Chloes mum

Hi Js Mum and Oxgirl The contact is not done at an offical contact centre. It is usually at either his mothers house or his flat, but they will normally take the girls to the park or to a local woodland area so they can have a run around. His mother does stay with them throughout the visit - she doesn't even leave them alone with him whilst she goes to the bathroom. The problem is he has now shown he can still be aggressive in front of her, and also she is not a young person, and so my concern is that she would not be physically able to prevent him from harming them - she would simply be witness to it! I do have a solicitor dealing with things, and we are due back in court soon for a review hearing. I think I will press for the contact to be decreased, and also if possible for it to take place at a contact centre A few people have suggested writing things down, so I will buy a diary and document everything from now on.

Thanks for all the advice. I will make an appointment with our GP and try to get her some professional help. I have emailed the social worker a couple of weeks ago to find out what happens next with regard to the report they have to write, but she hasn't bothered to reply yet. I've only ever seen her once, and to be honest, she wasn't much use. i know my daughter is keen to speak to her to she can express her wishes, but nothing seems to happen fast. does anyone know anything about family support workers supervising parental contact? At the minute his mother is supervising his contact, but I'm not convinced she is the best person to do it. After all she is his mother so if something did go badly wrong i'm not convinced I would get an accurate account of events! A social worker supervised his contact for a couple of weeks when his mother was on holiday, and both girls have said they preferred that. Will social services fund supervision if there is a relative willing to do it? Js mum - thanks for all the links. I've had a quick look at the young minds website and it looks really useful. I think I might phone their helpline and see what they suggest. You mentioned relate counselling, Do they counsell children? For some reason I thought that was an adult service? Many thanks to everyone for all the help x

Hi Oxgirl and Coolblue Thankyou both for your replies. The day after his latest suicide attempt a child protection investigation was launched by the police and social services. A police officer and social worker went into the school to interview both girls seperately. I wasn't able to warn them as I didn't know beforehand. This was an extremely frightening thing for my elder daughter, especially as the interviews were conducted in the headmistresses office. Her dad had already threatened her by telling her that if she told anyone what he was doing to her, then her and her sister would be taken away by social services and placed in separate foster homes. With his words ringing in her ears, she gave them no information, and as a result (despite several different adult witnesses to various assaults) the CPS decided not to prosecute. It was agreed in court that he would have weekly access, fully supervised, pending a social services report. the contact order states I have to make them available for contact, otherwise I am committing an offence. My eldest is aware of this, but she has asked me to ask the judge if she can see him less often. She has said once a month is what she would like and she has stated she doesn't want to be on her own with him. When social services eventually get round to writing this report I am guessing they will seek the views of the children. I have told her that she has to tell the social worker what she really wants, and hopefully they will listen to her. It is difficult though, as every week her behaviour deteriorates a the day before she knows she was to see him, and only gets better once the visit is over. She tries every trick in the book to avoid going, claiming she's ill or she feels sick etc. When she comes back from seeing him she is always upset over something that he's said or done. nothing major, just little subtle things that he seems to do to upset her. Usually she feels that he gives more attention to her sister, and so she feels left out and ignored. She hates going, and I hate sending her, but I'm not sure theres another option at the moment. He struggles to cope with them when he does see them, even with his mother helping him, and so this week he cut short his contact by about 40 minutes (its only 2 hours long anyway) as he lost the plot with them and started screaming at them. My eldest said he was screaming in her face with his fists clenched and a look on his face that she felt showed he wanted to kill her (her words, not mine) and so she ran off frightened, and so grandma had to take them to her house and I collected them from there. He has threatened to cut all contact with the girls many times, and used it to blackmail me into staying with him for a while. I used to think they'd be devastated if he deserted them, but now I almost think it would be for the best

Thanks Baddad, that makes a lot of sense. I do try to put very firm boundaries in place, and once I've said something to her I do stick to it, so she does know where she stands with regard to sanctions. She doesn't get away with much - there is always a consequence for a bad behaviour. It just doesn't seem to make much difference!! However I think she is dictacting the family dynamics, as I do tend to avoid taking them places as a result of her behaviour. I really can't cope with being 'judged' by onlookers, especially as it has always been difficult taking her younger sister out anyway, as she doesn't cope well with lots of people or changes to routine etc. I take on board what you say about taking them regardless and inviting people round regardless. You're right, and I think I do need to be more black and white with her. I'll give it a go!! She does use 'anger' as an excuse for everything. No matter what she's done, if you ask her why she's done whatever it may be, she'll say 'because i'm angry over whats happened' It does feel as though she's using recent events as an excuse to behave however she wants. She's very confused over things. She doesn't fully understand a lot of whats happened. For example she knows that the police were at our house one evening for several hours, and that the police were out looking for her dad, but she doesn't know why (this was the evening of his last suicide attempt, where he left a note and then disappeared) She keeps asking why the police were looking for him, and why he had to go to hospital when he was found. alls i've told her is that daddy wasn't very well and the police had to look for him to take him to hospital. Trouble is she's not daft, she knows i'm hiding the truth, but is she really old enough to be told the truth? Barefoot Wend - I had been thinking of taking her to our GP to try to get her some proper counselling, so I think I will do that. Trouble is in our area there always seems to be a big waiting list for services like that!!

Does anyone have any tips on dealing with major anger issues in my 8 year old daughter? She is not autistic, her younger sister is, but her anger, violence and massive temper tantrums are getting completely out of control. Both girls have gone through a really tough time recently and I know this is causing her to lash out at anyone over the slightest little thing, but nothing I try seems to make a difference. I am recently separated from their dad and I have residency of the girls. Dad sees them once a week under supervision. He was physically abusive towards both of them whilst we were married, and that led to the separation. He was more violent towards my older girl and also filled her head with lies - telling her that if she told anyone that he was hurting her then she would be taken into care, telling her that the marraige breakdown was her fault and that he wished she'd never been born etc. He caused her physical injuries requiring hospital treatment and abandoned her in a car park one evening. Her dad suffers from depression, self harms and has attemped suicide. She knows she is safe now, as there is a court order in place preventing her dad from coming into the house and all his contact must be supervised. She says she loves him, but I struggle every week when it comes to his contact time - she doesn't want to go and will use any excuse possible to avoid it, but the contact order states that I have to make them available, so basically she has to go. I have spent hours and hours talking to her about her feelings, reassuring her that its not her fault and that I love her and she is safe with me etc etc, but nothing seems to make a difference. She gets angry over anything and everything. She is disruptive, rude, violent, aggressive, disobedient and has major temper tantrums, throwing herself on the floor like a toddler and screaming. She blames her sister for everything and will do her best to get her into trouble. She seems jealous of her sister, as her dad treated her sister better than he treated her. I can fully understand why she is behaving like she does, but how do I help her? She is in counselling (arranged by the school) but what else can I do? I do sanction her bad behaviour, and I always try to be firm and consitant with her, but it doesn't make any difference. She flies off the handle so quickly and will attack everyone around her. she is alienating most of her friends, and making it impossible for me to take them anywhere or do anything with them. I can't even have friends or relatives come to the house as she always kicks off. Its better when I'm on my own with her, as I guess she wants me all to herself, but if anyone else is around she will be rude and cheeky What can I do?

Have you tried any medication to help him sleep? I know not everyone wants to go down the medication route, but sleep is very important for both of you. My daughter is only 7 and she is prescribed Melatonin to help her sleep. Before she was put on it she would be up most of the night running about or just staring out the window. She has improved massively since she started taking it.

We had a very similar thing with chloe this year - she is also 7 years old and has aspergers and ADHD. we managed to get her off to sleep on xmas eve no problem at all (but only because she's on Melatonin!!) But at 12.45am she was in our bedroom, wide awake with presents that she'd already opened!!!! I have to say we did our best but there was absolutely no persuading her to go back to bed and somehow she managed to stay wide awake for the whole of xmas day, and didn't go to sleep til 8.30pm. Not sure how she managed it - we were shattered!!! Not much help I know, but you are not alone!!

Hi I think discussing it with your child is probably one of the hardest things. I guess a starting point would be to consider what he's aware of already? With Chloe she has known for a long time that she is 'different' to the other kids at school - she has a 'helper' whereas the other kids don't, and she can't do a lot of what her peers can etc. I always try to explain it to her in a positive way. I tell her that being 'different' can be a good thing - that she is clever and funny - but that she might struggle with some things that the other kids find easy (such as sitting still, not shouting out, making friends etc)My main concern was that she might use her diagnosis as an excuse for her to behave badly, and she has tried this a couple of times!!! So I then had to explain that having AS and ADHD is NOT an excuse for bad behaviour. We bought her a t shirt off the internet which shows a row of identical yellow ducks all looking in the same direction, and then next to them looking the other way is a beautiful rainbow coloured duck with the slogan above saying 'Autism: Being different can be a good thing' She loves it as she knows that the rainbow coloured duck is her!! With regard to books, we bought 'My sister is different' from the NAS, mainly for Chloes older sister to try to explain things to her, but we also read it to Chloe and she seemed to be able to relate to the character in it (although it is a general autism book, not aspergers) There are a few other kids at Chloes school with AS, ASD, ADHD etc so it helped Chloe to know that there were others like her and she wasn't completely on her own. We've also taken her on a few trips organised for kids with ASD/ADHD and that seemed to help a lot as she could be herself and the other parents were obviously really understanding of her behaviour. Hope this helps a bit

Hi I have a 7 year old daughter who was diagnosed with AS and ADHD a few months ago. Whilst we were waiting for assessments we got lots of comments from people who seemed to think there was nothing wrong which I found really frustrating, as I felt they were blaming my parenting skills for her behaviour!! however with hindsight I think people were just trying to be reassuring. Since her diagnosis it is amazing how many people have come forward and said they thought she was on the spectrum!!! I always tell people about the diagnosis as I think it gives an explanation for some of her strange behaviours / comments. Some people will always be negative about it and put it down to a 'naughty child' but thats their problem. good luck

I've never seen Citalopram prescribed for a child before, but I think it is unlikely that you would see such a dramatic effect from a single 2mg drop. This is a very low dose and would be unlikely to provoke such a response. My opinion would be not to worry too much about the fact that it is unlicensed in kids. Many drugs are unlicenced for use in children (including melatonin) but are also very effective. I would give it a bit longer before deciding whether or not to continue with it. The reason it says 'not to stop suddenly' is mainly for when it is used as an antidepressant, where abrupt withdrawal can lead to a rebound depression. In your case, stopping after one drop would not be a problem!! Hope this helps

Hi I have a 7 year old daughter diagnosed with Aspergers and ADHD. I too went down the private route for her AS diagnosis as it was taking too long via the NHS (it would've been 2012 before they could've assessed her through the nhs). Our paediatrican accepted the report no problem, as did the LEA, and it has resulted in a lot of extra help for Chloe, so it was well worth doing. Your paediatrician should not have discharged your daughter - she is entitled to NHS services!!! With regard to Melatonin, it can be prescribed by GPs in some areas as it is classified as an amber drug in some areas now, as opposed to a red drug. This basically means that it has to be initiated by a specialist but then it can be passed over to your GP to prescibe under a 'shared-care protocol' Check if this is the case in your area ( I am in East Yorkshire and we now get Melatonin from our GP) I know it feels like a constant battle sometimes, but keep fighting. It will be worth it in the end - and you should definitely contact PALS. You have been treated really badly and your daughters Melatonin should not have been stopped abruptly because of 'politics' as to whose care she should be under. Good luck x

Hi I don't have personal experience of Alton Towers, but we recently took our AS / ADHD daughter and her NT sister to Dratyon Manor theme park, which operates the same disability policy as Alton Towers. I took our DLA letter as proof, but I wasn't even asked for it - they accepated what we said without question. I got in for carers rate, and the whole family were given wrist bands to avoid the queues. No-one stopped her going on any rides as long as she met the height restrictions and had adequate mobility to get on the rides. It was a fantastic day because of the wrist bands - my daughter does not have the ability to queue for anything!! My other daughter was even able to use her wrist band on rides that her sister wasn't going on!! We had a great day - good luck and have fun

Hi We got Chloe a weighted blanket from sensorydirect.com They are a UK based company (Worcester i think). It cost just over £100 including postage and she loves it! We wrap it around her to help calm her down when she's agitated and it does seem to work. They also make weighted jackets, lap belts etc. Delivery took about two weeks, quality is excellent. Very tempted to buy a weighted jacket next!!

Thanks everyone for the advice - I am very tempted to make a formal complaint, but I am worried about being labelled as a trouble causer or an over-protective parent. also C enjoys going to the group and there are a couple of kids in the group who are really good with her, so I feel it is beneficial to her. If I complain I'm worried that its just going to make things awkward when I have to face this woman every week, but on the other hand I feel really uncomfortable doing nothing as I do feel that her behaviour was totally unacceptable!! Thanks for the link to the girl guiding disability policy - I think I shall mention tha next time!!

Hi, I'm quite new here and in need of some advice about how to help siblings understand ASD behaviour? I have two children, C aged nearly 7 who has recently been diagnosed with AS and ADHD, and M who's 8 and NT. Cs behaviour can obviously be very challenging and time consuming and I think her older sister is jealous as a result. She thinks that her little sister is more special than she is because she has problems. C can be very unpredictable, lashing out violently without warning, destroying her sisters things etc. M has now started to be violent back as a result, and in some ways her behaviour is worse!! It has got to the stage now where they can't really be in the same room together without a massive fight breaking out - we can't leave the house together as a family as it is always a disaster. I have bought M books explaining ASD, such as 'my sister is different' etc, but this just seems to reinforce the message that her sister is 'special' and she isn't!! I always make sure that M has some regular 'one-on-one' time with me or her dad, but this doesn't seem to help much. Basically I think they hate each other and would happily kill each other if left to their own devices. How can I help them have a better relationship? Also, changing the subject slightly, does anyone else have a problem with hobbies and ASD kids? C attends rainbows (girl guiding for little ones) and due to her challenging behaviour I always stay to support her. However today at the group C ran off and kicked another child before I had chance to stop her. The 'teacher' (who also happened to be the mother of the child who got kicked) then grabbed C by the arm and dragged her to the side of the room, shouting at her that she was mean and that it was unacceptable to kick someone. I went across straight away and the 'teacher' then shouted at me too. A few minutes later I overheard another child complaining to the teacher about something C had said to her, and the teacher replied (in front of all the children) 'just ignore her, she's a very mean little girl'!!! I took offence to this and C was very upset by it, so at the end of the group I had a polite word, and tried to explain that C is autistic, not mean, but I was basically told that I was overreacting. Am I? Woud anyone else have objected to their child being shouted at and dragged off, as well as her telling the other kids that she was a 'very mean little girl' instead of trying to explain that she can't always control her behaviour? Whats the best way to handle this?? Thanks