Hughey

When I was 19 I was begging for work.

Hi. This has been going on my entire life. I wont go on some huge spiel about it, but I'll just give you the most recent example: I went to get an addition to my tree rescue course (its an arborist thing you need to get to work on site) the first day we did a written assessment and I had to do it twice because I failed the first time. When it came for the test, which was just the guy asking me questions, all I could remember was words on paper and some guy talking, it was like all the information I tried to take it was just flashing in front of me like a bad tv reception and I went home with a massive migraine because of doing all this. The second day was the practical day. We watched what we had to do and I did it better, quicker and safer than anybody. The guy who did the verbal test thought I was an dead headed drip, but I really shocked him because of just how good I was at things I was shown how to do, rather than told. People kept forgetting to do things that they were shown, but I remembered it all because I was shown it. Also, as I have just demonstrated, I have a hard time taking in explanations and explaining things myself without examples. I can take in the information better if I have something to visualise. Does anybody else relate to these kind of things? If not, then does this make me stupid?

Tbh, I'm starting to accept it. Not in the kind of way where I embrace my defect, just in the way where I just don't give a damn any more. Kinda happened today really, its been really hot and I just kinda raged myself out. Years of trying to change who I am, and look where it has got me... nowhere... You have just witnessed a really huge turning point in my life right now. I have never embraced anything I see as weakness like AS, but if I was born to be weak and defective, then whatever, I just don't care any more... at all... I really couldn't give any less of a damn... I wasn't born to get what I want out of life and if I'll die this way then whatever. Its not like after I'm dead anything I did here on this earth will matter. So I'll just coast through it because I wont ever get what I want out of it so once again, I don't care any more. I accept my AS defect, I was born with an incorrectly working brain and will die with it. I have been given everything I will need in life and AS has taken a huge vital part that holds it all together and there is nothing I can do. I will never be a great socializer, I will never have any interesting relationships and I will never be a real man. But whatever, I simply don't care. I will settle for an ugly fat girl who is as boring a person as me, or another girl on the spectrum and she will settle for because she doesn't want to die alone and we will have a passionless swamp of a relationship and if that's what's supposed to happen then fine, I don't care. I'll be 30 before you know it, then 40, 50, 60, 70, then dead. I don't care. Instead of just being able to live a normal life, I'm part of a subculture of people who's lives used to make me cringe because I can see myself heading that way, but they don't any more because I don't care in the slightest, its all pointless, why try fight or change anything? I have AS and I am doomed to be like this for life and there is nothing I can do. I have fully embraced nihilism, I don't care, there is nothing else there that I want... I don't care... I feel much the same about trees. I don't even know what I wanted success in (I don't want anything any more, I don't care). I didn't even want success. Like I said, there is more to life that success, I didn't want money or a high paid job, I wanted to make enough money to get by and just do what I needed to do. I like tree surgery, its a okay paid job, its outside, and when I'm in a massive lime tree and using a chainsaw that is running at about 100 decibels, I don't have to be chatty or social, I can be free to concentrate on my job. I get to pick my own tools (Husqvarna for life!, screw Stihl!) and I don't want to be a team leader, I don't want to run my own company or makes laods of money, I qould be happy as a pig in poop working as an every day climbing tree surgeon. I would use the money to do stuff with my friends and try to make life interesting, fund various things and have a good time with the missus. But that ain't going to happen so ###### it. Do... Not.... Care.... Any... More.... Oh. I'm just not the real man that they want, so be it, my AS has stopped that and I don't care. I just want to be able to get laid, with the way I look I should be able to, but because of my weird, defective AS personality it makes it difficult for no reason, so I don't care. The Marines are the point. Its the toughest training to create tough people. Its supposed to put a boot in your butt and prepare you for the world, that's why my family are insistent that we all join. But I don't care any more so whatever. Let's just try and get through the next 50 years as quick as we can.

Because I don't want to join the army, I want to join the Marines and they are much more picky than the army. A cousin of mine is in a similar situation. In your claf muscles there are two muscles that rub together when moving them and there is a protective sheath around those two muscles but he was born without them. It can put his calf muscles in agony after running and yomping for long periods of time and they kicked him out of training. A very similar issue was shown on a TV show called "Commando On The Front Line". The reason I told you that is because he is taking a different path in the Navy because they are less picky. When the Marines (the most elite infantry force) found out because AS is on my records somehow, I was told "I'm afraid we wont be taking your application any further". I agree, but the Marines don't see it as a bonus, just as a birth defect that can make me clumsy and makes me socially awkward and different from the other Marines, so they don't want me. I know. But right now I'm not interested in long term relationships, life is too short to waste this part looking for one. What is IYSWIM? uuuuuuuummmmmmmmm.... okayyyy?

I already explained in the first part of the post that I didn't write this in anger and nothing I said implied anger, this is quite possibly the calmest thing I have ever written about my defect. And just because I call it my defect doesn't mean that I'm angry, I'm just not delusional enough to call it anything it's not. I'm sorry, but (if you even give a damn) I think you might need to elaborate more on that. Yeah? Well all its done for me is hold me back. I could have a good relationship? How boring. Its narrowed down my demographic and my abilities to have certain standards myself. What are these achievements? They got a qualification and became head of a department... cool... And my AS is the only thing making me one of them. I wouldn't be like that if I didn't have AS for reasons I explained. I would have certain problems and things about myself and my life that I don't like, but I would have confidence and personality to go with my looks and it wouldn't apply to me, so I don't see how I should care about other people like that. How does knowing that other people are like this supposed to help me find some kind of solution to this? I'm perfectly healthy, so once again my AS steps in and takes something away from me. No physical problems, perfect 20x20 vision. Thanks AS, another thing you have taken from me. I wouldn't care if I was ugly on the inside. Maybe in your own case. You might want care and attention, but I don't like women like that, I like women who can take care of themselves, not women who feel the need for somebody to care for them and look after them. I take it you are. Who says that I'm an angry and aggressive person? This is the only place where I can even be like this, and just because I hate Aspergers and the subject makes me angry doesn't mean that I'm an angry person. I have no other reason to be angry at life other than what AS has done to me, so really this is just another fault of AS even if I was an angry person. Its kinda hard not to when my faults affect about 90% of my daily life anyway. Its hard to not know my faults if I wasn't defective then I certainly wouldn't be where I am today. I know what I can do, its the things I can't do that I actually want. I do, I like helping out, mostly over xmas, I don't really have too many friends so xmas is a very lonely time for me so I volunteer as much as possible. I try to do some charity work every now and then but I don't usually get much time for it. Plus I do all the charity runs too and raise some money. Its a sad day when you really have to search to find something good about yourself.

Hi. I don't believe in personality disorders, I think I have what is classed as "Anti-Social personality disorder", although, I see it as me being angry and nihilistic more than anything else. I don't believe too much in the words "aspergers syndrome" just believe in developmental defect, although I will use AS because people understand it more. I ask because what is in my mind is very violent and not something that a lot of people would like to read. I think its mostly caused by AS, isolation and anger. I would like to discuss it online because I don't think I can discuss it with an counsellor because of its nature and I don't want to get kicked out or something. I ask because if I write it, you might not understand why I have written it here and its not something family friendly, but I tried talking about it on another forum where I had an argument with a mod until he/she kicked me off. I like this place because (no offence) but the members are older and quite a bit wiser than other places and I want to talk about what I think is budding psychopathy.

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I have to admit, there seemed to be more about the precautions she was setting up than the actual problem which made it seem like what I was saying was correct. I think saw more about sexually e-mailing Russian women and going on dirty sites than stuff on facebook. But I have no idea on how to read that in a way that I would have gottt. I have seen something similar before about parents freaking out and shutting down the internet and making them close accounts of whatever, just because they looked at some porn. I found some of the content disturbing, especially on how she seemed to want to have a great deal of control over his life on the internet, but I guess I was wrong, so dorry, OP.

Removed.

This is a long thread. Sorry. I'm not very good at talking, and I'm constantly angry and anxious about stuff and I don't know what to think or do. I feel like my head is a cement mixer and my thoughts are all rumbling around inside. This has taken a long time to write down and it is hopefully a bit more insightful and less scattered. Also, sorry to anyone else I have argued with before due to this. I have to say, when I talk about this I do tend to lose my temper and probably will do again, all I can say is I'm sorry in advance because its just me being angry and irrational and not how I usually am when I'm angry. No nead here. If you want a context of speech, just read it in my deep, monotonous voice which I usually have. Oh, and its important to note, I am in no way looking for sympathy or people trying to relate. I find the more I talk or write about things, the better I feel about things. I will admit that I still hate, hate, hate my AS, however, when I first found out I was so angry that I didn't sleep for about 4 days because the anger and rage and the sheer hate was so strong that I couldn't relax even close my eyes. I find it uncomfortable when people when people describe what I'm feeling about AS as “suffering”. I never viewed AS as suffering as I'm sure most of you wont. Lets look at it this way: Suffering would be having cancer, having a brain tumour, both arms violently ripped off, the Ebola virus, AIDS and so forth. The way I view AS is like a bad case of Crabs that are immune to any treatment and will continue to live and build in your ball hair for the rest of your life. Its like having a permanent itchy rash across your butt and so on. Its just pointless, unwanted and ununnecessary drama and difficulties, its just there to make something harder than it needs to be. I know kinda what my true nature is, but I don't like my true nature. They say I'm just wired differently, but the way I see it is that I'm wired incorrectly. Wire me correctly for god sake. But I get to go to the grave knowing that I'm like this. I have a hard time trying to accept my AS. If I didn't have AS then I wouldn't be who I am, but I don't like who I am. I try so hard to not be who I am, to mask my personality and the way I usually think, I'm trying to find techniques and things to help me make myself as NT as possible, maybe one day I'll become as NT as possible and even though by then my youth will probably gone, this whole thing wont have been social awkwardness and weird obsessions. They say AS is a trade off, but its traded me the stuff I do want for the stuff I have never wanted. Just stuff I have never cared about. I (against my will) have traded my social skills, my confidence and my sex life etc, for a higher rate of concentration and abailities to notice patters and random other details. Wow, thanks... does anybody here want to trade thousands of quid worth of arborist equipment for a dull bread knife and a ball of wool? With the way I look and the way I grew up, I actually have an idea how my life would have been if I was NT. I can't say for sure, but based on what I have seen with other people like me and I have an idea and it pi**es me off to no end. I feel like it has robbed me of everything: Friends, girlfriends, confidence, happiness, sex, jobs, mental health, good times, bravery, adventure, my green beret, my pride and not to mention my youth. Its cost me chances with women that I have liked, and I feel very demasculated because of it. I'm not a real man, I have never met a person with AS who is. All of this is due to the symptoms of AS. I'm a big, tall, good looking, well built, athletic, northern lad. And despite my families heavy military background, a path I was supposed to follow in but can't because they don't want Autism in the military (gift my ar$e) We have always been raised to be nice, easy going people, although we are very protective and most people here are very competitive. I should be like my siblings and relatives. Chatty, confident, relaxed, enjoying social situations, but at the same time, adventurous and competitive. I know this because I'm the only one who's like this and I'm the only one in the family with AS. There is no other reason other than AS that I'm not. I'm a big, tall, good looking, well built, athletic, northern lad. And despite my families heavy military background, a path I was supposed to follow in but can't because they don't want Autism in the military (gift my ######) We have always been raised to be nice, easy going people, although we are very protective and most people here are very competitive. I should be like my siblings and relatives. Chatty, confident, relaxed, enjoying social situations, but at the same time, adventurous and competitive. I know this because I'm the only one who's like this and I'm the only one in the family with AS. There is no other reason other than AS that I'm not. I just don't understand people, the way they work and it frustrates me to no end. I really want to, I have put in so much effort and every day trying to figure out something that an NT just knows is like a huge mathematical equation. The things I say make people react in ways that I don't understand. I just want to know how to talk to people and make them like me. I don't complain like this in public, if I did then I wouldn't be here. I feel like slamming my head against a door when I'm trying to talk to people. I feel intimidated by people, mainly people my age because of the life experience levels of each of us, and because of how much wiser to the world they are than myself. I find crowds uncomfortable, I find leaving my comfort and routine zone quite distressing. I still hate crowds and places out of my comfort zone, but I go and try and it never really works, I just want to go home and do something time consuming with my headphones on. I'm 21 years old, I should love this stuff, but really I'm like a shy 15 year old. I don't want to let it beat me, and what I'm writing now is something I never let me tell myself, but I'm writing the truth that I don't like to admit. I'll keep going, trying new things and trying new people and places. I'm less shy when I'm drunk and I come out of my shell a lot, its a shame that I can't do it without making an ar$e of myself every time. Another thing its screwed up for me is women. I'm not a vain man, but I know that's I'm quite above average in looks, plus I'm a good height too (6'3), I usually score about a 7-8 for people who don't know me personally, but about a 3-4 for people who know me personally and know my aspie personality. I tried to make some money when I was 16 and thought I would sell out my beliefs on everything I hate about fashion and take a few promo shots and try some modelling. I got a job a month or so afterwards and hated the experience, and decided to withdraw my tiny and limited portfolio. I think you get the point though, I'm no Quasimodo. I could have had a few hot women I think. I would certainly not be on here, I would probably be in a crappy bed room with Nikki right now. I agree that beauty is in the eye of the beholder, I want to have a love, and I don't care what she looks like, I want to love somebody for who they are. But other than the rare gem like Nikki, at this point in my life, I don't really care about that stuff, all I care about is getting laid, all I care about are looks. My friend helped me out by wing manning me a few times to get some hot girls because I can't get them on my own, and these girls were just boring, vain people with dull personalities, the pulling was straining and one of the worst experiences of my life, but was the sex worth it?.... hells yeah! It only happened about 4 times, and because he was my wing man, he pretty much did all the work and when he realized that I'm mentally unable to return the favour, then he stopped doing it. I have actually googled drugs and even chemical castration a few times to just remove my weird, fluctuating sex drive, because it's no good to me, and it just causes frustration and anxiety and a possibly expensive future porn or prostitute addiction. I have never pad for sex, and I'm worried that I one day will. What I'm scared of it settling or being settled for. I don't want to be the guy that woman come to at 35 because they are desperate for a baby and a family and any half decent looking guy will do. Or the guy women come to at 55 because they don't want to grow old and die alone. I want to be able to do better. One thing that terrifies me is the thought of ending up with somebody on the spectrum! Speaking of kids, that would never be fun for me. If a partner of mine found out she was pregnant and wanted to keep ot, the whole time I'll be hoping its a girl. Two reasons: Girls are less susceptible to inherting AS, and second, I wouldn't like to think that I'm that boy's father figure and he will grow up like me, AS or not. But AS doesn't stop there. Lets say my daughter is born a happy healthy NT girl, and I'm happy that she is, then when she is old enough to have kids, like a virus, her kids might inherit it. I will be a 60 year old man hanging out with my infant grandchild, not because I'm a good grandad, but because I'll be checking their behaviour to make sure they haven't got the same birth defect that I was born with. I have never wanted kids, I don't like kids, and I really hope it stays that way, because this might become depressing at a later age. Food drives me insane. I hate food and constantly have to force feed myself. I for some reason, have a very high sense of taste and smell. I started smoking because I heard smoking kinda kills off your sense of taste and smell, it turns out it only works if you smoke a lot! I can't eat sloppy foods, I can't eat any cooked veggies, all veggies I eat are raw and they can't be mixed. I can't eat any other meats other than bacon, sausage and burger. I can't eat butter or margerine, I can't eat ketchup, mayonnaise or any other condiment other than BBQ sauce or I will be sick. I can't eat any creams or sandwiches. I don't know why. Food phobias are the biggest hastle because no matter how much I force feed myself this stuff, I'm still sickened by it. I should be thankful I have food on my plate, there are people out there that would need this food and for me to throw it away is bad, so I get a vegeatble pasta, and force every last mouthful down my throat and wretch. I wretch every single day a bunch of times. My weight fluctuates because I can't waste what I don't make, so I avoid food like the plague, and then I'm skinny and unenergised because I'm big and have a lot of weight to carry around, then I do eat but its all junk, thing that people usually indulge in, but the only stuff I can eat without trying to keep it in my body once its in, then I get a spare tyre, I have a spare tyre at the moment tbh, and a second chin. Spent last week at Maccy D's all the time. The usual, double cheeseburger, fries and a large banana milkshake. Tasty (at least I can find something that is.) All over sensitivities drive me insane. Eating sounds make my skin crawl, they make me angry to hear them, they make my hair stand on end. I hate wearing stuff around my neck, I don't like anything touching my neck. I don't like things touching my knees, I like baggy pants because they don't touch my knees as much. There are up sides though, but like I said they are either useless or work related. I have retarded obsessions, and that's no fault of the AS, that's parts just mere misfortune, I just wish I could pick what I am obsessed with. I'm not so much interested in enegineering, that I'm just good and interested in that kind of work in general. For some reason I can only learn visually, and I like working with my hands and being alone to concentrate and engineering seems like a good path for me. I was a trainee arborist until I lost my job due to AS, and I loved it. Everything was so noisy that you couldn't talk or do anything but work all day. I loved climbing because I'm up a tree all day... alone... with plenty of things to concentrate on. I have to admit, I love aboriculture and the great outdoors. Adore it. Aren't I an exciting and interesting chap? What else? Over the past 7 years I have collected about £5000 worth of ###### from a band called Agoraphobic Nosebleed, mostly rare collectables and stuff, and I have obsessed over types of underground music and all that stuff since I was about 13. I have had other extreme interests but they tend to fade when I realize that I should be out with friends on a Friday night, and not at home learning about stuff. That's all I have to say for now. If you actually read this far then I have to say.. Thanks.

Nah, our line manager is the one who does the bullying. Well, I say he does the bullying but what he really does is make do a ###### job and when we call him on it, he hides behind the upper management because he is the only person who will suck up to them. Makes me sick to my stomach.

????

I'm just kidding ya know. I'm not trying to provoke an answer out of you, we were joking about it yesterday and I thought I would throw in another little joke about it at the end of that last post. Its none of my business and I know there is as such thing as taking a joke too far and wouldn't have said anything else even if you joked back. Sorry you took it that way. Just hope you don't hold something against me for it. Really? I have really nice balls.

I'm trying to be civil and keep emotions out of this. No angry rants or anything like that. To be honest, I'm not even sure what to do about it. I have been to a bunch of these social skills building classes and been to a few councillors and stuff like that. Most of my anger comes from not knowing what to do. Even though I'm not very confident ant everything, I'm not the kind of guy who gives up too easy and this is the first thing that has seriously defeated me and the futility of fighting back is the thing that really makes me angry. If I had a problem, then I agree something should be done about it. If I feel like I'm getting chubby and I don't like it, Its my responsibility to either do something about it and get to the weight where I'm happy. I was diagnosed with AS, I don't like it and I need to do something about it, "TELL ME DOC!! HOW DO I BEAT THIS!, LETS MAKE ME NORMAL!!", when I was told it was probably like the recent Osama killing, we finally found him, so lets send in the Navy SEALs and take him out! and that's what I was thinking, we found the problem, now lets send in the cure and take it out! "Well, I'm sorry, but you are stuck with it, AS isn't a disease, its just how your brain is formed..".... "So no cure or any way to get rid of it?"... "Afraid not".... Another thing that brings on the anger is when I look back at my past and how its lead to my current situation. I don't want to sound vain or anything, but I'm a pretty good looking guy and I'm tall, if I wasn't I would still probably be a virgin and would have had absolutely zero female attention at all. I used to walk around the hallways at school with my head down in my shoulders and eye contact with people and trying to make friends was painful. I had no ideas about social cues and could never really relate to people. Basically AS symptoms were showing massively and never really enjoyed being around people and was lonely through school and college and was depressed a lot because friends seemed like this massive challenge where I had to try and figure them out and once I crack the puzzle I will make some. This is something I can do nothing about, I can't get my youth back and it was screwed from the start. I woke up on my 21st birthday about a year after my diagnosis and looked back on my life and there is nothing good to look back on, I'm not officially an adult and I'm a lonely, friendless loser and the main reason is because I didn't know about having AS, as far as I knew I was just a weird person who couldn't seem to do the same things other people do but now there is a name for it and I just became so angry. That's why I view it as something wrong, because I never wanted it and it has ruined my youth, the time I was supposed to be like everybody else partying and being crazy, I was at home learning 300 more things about Che Guevara. I don't even know what to do about it. But how does this effect me? I know Einstein and all that had AS, but I'm not Einstein, I'm just a regular guy. I was never going to be a great scientist or artist, so I have no idea how its supposed to be a positive thing for a person with AS. Einstein had a moustache and is often shown at an older age with white hair. Is that to say that people with white hair and moustaches should take pride in the fact that Einstein also did? I have never had a consistent obsession I jump between them. For a few months I will be obsessed with something and then I will switch to a new one. I have been into everything and seem to obsess over one thing exclusively. But recently I haven't been into anything at all. Nothing I have done has put me any closer to any success for anything. It just makes me a little angrier. When I say I don't accept it, I mean that I will never welcome it. I will never let it be a part of my life the same way I see other people with AS accepting it. Like I said, AS and not knowing I have it is the reason to a lot of things I get angry about. Don't be sorry. I totally understand and I'm in a very similar situation. I'm not sure what to say. You can always PM me if you want to, I wish I could make you feel a little better. Like? Yeah, anger usually does help me achieve stuff. Problem is, is when I have no way of using it it tends to just linger. I have heard that one too. Well, I don't want to blame my family for anger, but that's generally how I was raised to deal with things. I don't think its such a bad thing. I was actually taught to hold a grudge, an enemy is an enemy and anger if used properly is an excellent tool. Who said I wasn't trying to learn?, who said that I haven't just come onto the internet because there isn't another forum for me to express my angry views? I can't even talk to councillors because I'm uncomfortable like that, I try and talk to them and I try to make it better. Yeah, I have lost a little faith because I don't know what to think of everything and I am very confused, I keep getting angry and everything just feels like a giant mindfuck. I think you are a woman, if somebody questioned my gender I would be like "NO! I'M A MAN!!! A MAAAAAYYYYUUUNNN" and post a picture of my balls. I hope you got some decent rest and I hope you have a better day today.

Baddad: Its not so much about knowing AS as a whole. I know all about stuff like Paranoid Schizophrenia because certain mental illnesses used to fascinate me but I have never suffered from it myself, so I agree that you don't need AS to know about it or be an expert on the theory of AS. What I was talking about are the things that are really hard to know unless you have it, things about acceptance, especially if AS wasn't diagnosed until adult life and its already done enough damage to make you really hate having it once your realized all this time is was something like AS causing it all. Telling somebody to accept it is easier said than done and although you may have observed your son and his AS all his life and know all about the theory of AS and might have a wide knowledge of the subject of AS, you have never been through the things that they struggle with and its very hard to take stuff like "accept it" from somebody who has never had to accept it himself. It's like sally44's post about her son. Her son says "I am going to kill it, i'm going to squeeze it out of my brain" which upsets her (and I understand why) and she hopes he will one day say "ASD is part of who I am and without it I would not be the same person" when she herself has never had to deal with AS, so to her and people like yourself accepting it is something easy to do from an NT view but when you actually have it and have to deal with it everyday, its not so easy to just accept and I don't think the regular mentally healthy NT understands that. So, like a man with Paranoid Schizophrenia, just because I'm interested in his condition and I know all about it, I would never be able to just say "Well, you are stuck with it, so you are just going to have to accept it" because he is going through things hat I have never experienced. I take my views from the people I grew up around. I see the people I see my family, my co-workers and the people I went to school with and they are all living decent lives mostly because of their social lives. I deleted my facebook page last year because I was sick of seeing all the pictures of them having a good time with friends, out at bars and they all used post update messages saying things like "Me and *names of about 6 people* are going to *name of cool place* and going to go *name of fun social activity* because last time we..." and so on. They are all at university and are enjoying their lives the best they can doing things that I don't even understand. Things that they do don't appeal to me like drinking alcohol and playing football and when they go away they go clubbing which I don't even understand how they can like it, and I really hate crowds, but they seem to be enjoying it and I wish I could enjoy that stuff too. Its like football and rugby, when I was a teenager I really wanted to get into football or rugby so I could play it with people and I could talk about it and join in with their tribal love of some premiership team or something like that. I still don't. I come from a military (Navy) family where everybody is confident and tough and I have always been the black sheep. We are all boxers (even quite a few of the women and a few of us have won some amature titles) I should be a big, confident bootneck right now nearing the end of my service. This is where I get my NT world view from. I wasn't allowed in. I got a phone call after my medical saying that AS is not allowed in the marines. Not to mention my co-workers. I'm the youngest in the firm and the average age there is about 38 and even though they don't do the same stuff I should be doing at my age, the things they say lead me to think they have good lives with friends. The guy who I work with is 41 I know I'm prejudice. Of myself, if I didn't have it or have anything to do with it then I wouldn't care about AS. I know it isn't a "thing" its not a foreign entity just how my brain was formed just like homosexuality and stuff like that, still hate it. Can't explain, don't know how. Just hate it and everything to do with it. Well, this just boils down to me being pissed off again. Where's mine? Where's my intelligence? Where is my artistic creativity? F**k AS. Doesn't make me hate it less. Still a regular dumbass who can't do maths or understand science or anything like that above a C level. Oh, the joys of AS. What about people like me? So Newton and Mozart were two people with AS who were brilliant minds, but what about the other 99.9999999% who aren't? Does this make AS a good thing?