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peteo

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About peteo

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  1. to an extent, everyone's lazy. It's normal to try to save effort where we can. Who would choose to live further from the bus stop, rather than closer, all other things being equal? Who would rather carry a heavy cumbersome bag rather than a light one? Who prefers washing pots by hand rather than using a dishwasher? Even the most motivated people are often doing what they do to save effort later on. They work hard at their careers so that they can live the good/lazy life later on or in their time off. In careers, one of the benefits of "working hard" is so as to climb the career ladder away from the sweat and toil of the shop floor, and into a comfortable warm office with padded chair and a PA. People have different values. I'd rather work an extra hour or two a day in my job, and then spend the extra money on a meal out, so I don't have to put in the effort food shopping and cooking. Others would rather finish work earlier, stop by the supermarket, and spend the time trying out a new recipe at home. Both could see the other a "lazy" in a way. MH issues can make certain tasks much harder, in a way that "normal" people wouldn't understand, so they may wrongly label the person as lazy.
  2. cheers Adam. Of course you can talk openly with me! I glad you do, and please don't ever feel you can't. It's only through open discussion that we all move forward! Just to be clear.. I'm not pointing the finger, wanting penance or getting bogged down in further issues. I've already dumped all that ... I'm celebrating that such issues no longer exist since I figured all this out. Things have moved forward VERY fast since my first post just a few days ago. I've discussed it with my Dad, he's looked into it and read a few articles, recognised the issues and , recognised that our vastly different personality types, and lack of understanding by both of us was at the root of the conflict. He came to visit today and we spent a wonderful afternoon chatting, drinking lots of tea, walking in the park and generally starting again. I'm not one to dwell un-neccesarily on stuff. I like to address things and deal with them head on, and I'm glad I did. Poor communication and lack of understanding between people, regardless of the reason behind it, is behind so much of the misery in this world, yet it is also one of the easiest problems to solve, with near instant results, one true understanding is established. I'm very lucky to have great support network from many great friends, and discovering AS and it's related issues has basically resolved the one mental block I had... honestly, it's all good... couldn't be better!
  3. I agree with Tally. I have around 150 "friends" on facebook, the majority of which are really just acquaintances I'd enjoy spending time with occasionally, and probably as many again who aren't on facebook. In terms of real "friends".. i.e. those I'd invite to a wedding or house party, the number is nearer 30. "Close" friends.. those who I would make any sacrifice for, discuss intimate personal things with, or who I know would drop anything to help me in the case a massive personal crisis probably number around 5, and I'm very lucky to have that number. There are many people, AS and NT alike, who don't have nearly as many in each category. Adam.. I love the "social orgy" description. My theory (and it is ONLY a theory), is that (almost)all humans, AS and NT alike, have brains which are "hard-wired" to release pleasure chemicals (dopamine, seratonin etc), as a reward for learning something that their subconscious mind feels could be useful for survival in some way. The more we learn, the more pleasure we feel. For some people, it could be the acquisition of technical knowledge, which may allow them to better manipulate the physical world in some way to their advantage. For others, it could be learning more about their peers and social group, in order to better function as a group (safety in numbers etc). For example, groups of people often sit around telling stories/anecdotes of personal experiences. One person may describe a near miss they had in the car. the others listen and learn a little about what caused the near miss, how the person reacted to it, etc, and therefore pick up a little knowledge that may be useful in case such a situation happens to them. Thousands of years ago, groups of men probably sat around telling tales of their fight with a sabre toothed tiger or a wooly mammoth. It's a way of learning how better to survive from others experiences. it's not that they consciously KNOW that's what they're gaining from the discussion... it's just that subconsciously they know it's useful, therefore they derive pleasure from it. Groups of women may sit around discussing people and personal interactions, again so as to learn more about members of their social group, which allows them to operate better within the group, which male is best to breed with etc. Again, useful information for the survival of themselves and their offspring, and therefore pleasurable to learn. These days, in the modern world, it's not so much about survival, but the evolved "dopamine/seratonin release" response is still there, hence the the pleasure of social interaction.
  4. thanks the reply TVWLO .. or should I call you Variant? what do you prefer? EDIT.. Just saw you other post.. Adam it is! I have no problem at all with how you process data and make points. In fact that's exactly what I'm here to learn about, so I can learn to understand my family better! "Labelling" has somewhat negative connotations, and that's certainly not my intention. In fact my insights regarding AS have finally allowed my to understand and relieve myself of labels placed on me by my father and brother, which is great. In the last week things have really improved, my relationship with my father included. Labelling people is rarely a good idea, but sometimes it's essential to label an issue in order to address it. The term for what I've been suffering, I guess, is CADD, as put forward by Maxine Aston and others. As you probably know it's a form of depression suffered by some NTs essentially brought about by the fundamental misunderstanding between AS and NT people (sorry, more horrible labels again!) in a close relationship, and simply knowing the nature of the misunderstanding goes a long way towards relieving it. Sadly there seems to be a lot of hate and vitriol directed at Maxine, which is a shame. A greater understanding of the issue will save a lot of marriages, and lots of pain and heart-ache for a lot of people. Like you say, it's about context, and I'm now able to see the situation in the correct context. Having broached the subject with my father, it seems he too is starting to understand a little better too, so the outlook is very positive overall. Again, thank you for the reply. I plan on hanging around and learning more about AS. cheers! Pete
  5. I agree with Baddad that older siblings can be jealous of the younger ones, and bullying is common. . In my case though my (suspected) AS older brother went further than that. I was pretty much a walking punch bag throughout my childhood. Almost every day I was hit, had some hard object thrown at me (usually the TV remote if a dared to speak during a programme my brother was watching). If my parents caught him beating me, they'd just tell us both to stop fighting. He was never punished. To be honest it only really stopped in my late teens when one day I'd gone into his room to turn down some music he'd left blaring. He came in a had me up against the wall, hands pressed hard against my neck. I couldn't breath, and I just decided I'd had enough... spat in his face and planted a perfect left hook to his jaw. Basically I beat him up. It was the first time I ever fought back, and the last time I ever had to. He never laid a finger on me again. He had to feel first-hand the pain he was inflicting, and know that he would feel the same pain again if he inflicted more on me. I disagree that discipline doesn't work. Fear of pain is a persuasive thing. Years later, looking back he admitted he'd been really cruel to me, and was genuinely regretful. We get on ok now, as long as it's on his terms, we talk only about stuff he's interested in, and he's allowed to be "right" at all times.
  6. Hi everyone, I'm Pete. i've found this forum after lots of reading about AS. I've been through a difficult few years wondering why my relationship with my father and brother is so emotionally distant.. It's been pretty tough actually.. over 10 years of depression, soul searching, looking for answers. I had a breakdown 8 years ago, which lead to my losing my job, home, and self esteem. At times I've been suicidal. Following a conversation with a friend, and some research, I've realised that AS could be the reason. I'm really here to find out more about AS, from the perspective of other high functioning AS sufferers, and their families. Where do I go from here? I now need to rebuild my own life, in the knowledge that there was no malice in their actions and behaviour, it's just that that's the way they are wired. They are both caring, loving people, and happy in their own lives, but unfortunately unable to comprehend the situation from my point of view, or how their actions have affected me and other members of the family. I'm also left with a deep sense of loneliness, knowing that there never will that level of connection I'd hoped for. Apart from my 90 year old grandmother on my fathers side, they are all the family I have left. I can relate to them both very well on their terms, but I have needs too. Neither have been diagnosed.. they don't think there's anything wrong with them. They think it's me. If only I worked harder, made lists, did things their way, I'd be happy.... they believe. That works for them I guess, but they can't see that not everyone else is like them. How do I broach the subject and address this? my grandmother is very together for her age, and I'm considering discussing it with her, but I don't want to hurt or worry her. She may be able shed some light on my father and his childhood which may help me confirm my suspicions. Anyway.. nice to be here, and hopefully I'll find some answers. Pete
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