darkshine

You eating enough now?

Episode 12 - Ink I spill, stain, ruin, damage, and in the right hands can create something special, words, images, ideas, patterns, I can come alive on a page and am both permanent and not for you can throw a page away and I am gone, burn the paper I mate with and I no longer exist.

Sa Skimrande - I don't have much to say on here these days compared to previous months, but your question pulls at me, I feel some of your energies and turmoil - for years and years of my life - the largest part in fact, I haven't had a clue about "what" I am. It is a very difficult question to answer. What am I? I haven't got a clue. But there are other questions - and I think an important one is "Who are you?" and you know some answers to that question, as I know some answers about myself. I can start lots of sentences about who I am, even if I take it down another level and begin with what I like, what interests me, what I am like, what's important to me, what some of my values are, what I believe, what matters to me, how I like to be, how I like to treat people. I think sometimes the questions we ask are key to finding the answers we seek. Of course we exist within a culture and society that has a lot of effects on us as all this external stuff clashes with internal stuff - and it can be like a storm and a half as those elements meet, mingle and mash together and that poses serious problems. Who you are - is far more important than what you are or what other people think you are, in so many ways - you might look at an animal and ask "what is it?" and you might label it as a dragon, you might smile and say I know what that is now, I can call it "dragon" - but is that really what it is? Does that really define it at all? I don't think so - there's more to being a dragon than being labelled "dragon" and there's more to you than "what" you are too.

You are welcome. I hadn't noticed you have been online all day as I've been doing other things none of which have been boring to me

I don't think the ball is in her court - its in yours - if you take this on then you need to be emotionally and psychologically prepared for what you may be taking on here and that could be a big undertaking - you have concerns and that also suggests the ball is in your court Ben and not hers or you wouldn't say things like this: Your worries are real, and you need to think about them and find the answers within yourself - I feel you should talk to your friend about your worries because she might like to know, and she might be able to make you feel better - but at the end of the day, you are one half of this venture and you have to know that you are committed to this, whatever happens - and that is no small thing. I'm not trying to rub this in, I am trying to help and I really feel that being honest with her and yourself is the key here to finding the answers within yourself - and also to find peace of mind over some of these worries you have - they are very valid concerns!! Its all too easy to say she's going to die anyway, or that she knows the risks - but you have to be happy with yourself too Ben, and you have to know that you are in a position in your mind and heart where you can feel like you are comfortable with what you are doing. Which by the way I think is a fantastic thing, its just that I am trying to help you see that you are right not to underestimate the costs to yourself too, and that taking some time out to talk to her, and think things over so you can be in a position to feel like you can face this potentially life changing and wonderful thing, while at the same time being prepared - in your mind - for the other factors involved in this. Sometimes in life there are big risks, but the benefits may make them worthwhile - I think you are right to explore your feelings, and I really do think you should talk to your friend - not in a "am I going aren't I going way" but in an honest and open way because you guys will be in this together and you need to know that - she does and so do you. Best wishes Darkshine

PS - The questions are yours - she has probably answered her own questions already when she made that decision - ask her if you want to know, talk about your concerns, discuss it, but sometimes we do have to make our own choices and respect other people's. PPS - and if you really cannot do it then be honest and tell her, your choices are not easy but if they were then what would be the point?

Sometimes we just have to do what we gotta do and risks be damned - you can either go with that if that's what she wants or not - that is your choice Ben, she makes hers, and you make yours.

I wonder what people would like from a forum such as this.

What things make a community? I sometimes wonder whether this forum is one. And other times it sorta feels like it is.

Any opinions? I personally find the suggestion of no mentions of organisations to be a bit daft as things like the NAS are an organisation, as is Wikipedia. Also brand names - sometimes people require ASD related things and brands have to be stated in order to recommend things.

Same to you Linnet, and everyone else

How's it going?

I'd love to relive that last stage where the Sky team got Cavendish through to win, it was brilliant to watch - I'm looking forward to next years Tour, and I would find a topic on it interesting as I have got out of the loop with it, and I do thoroughly enjoy the event - I have a countdown in my head waiting for the next one in summer

I don't find it boring - you could start a topic and ramble on to your hearts content Linnet - I watched a large percent of 'Le Tour' and enjoyed it thoroughly as I have done for many years since I was a kid - although I have missed quite a few years through depression which is a shame in my view

I just want to say that this could be really inspiring if people really pay attention to your words, because the bad stuff will have been worse than you've said and you've shown the value you've taken from the knocks, the bad times, the rough year and made it work for you to be a stronger person. I don't think we have to be scared of failure, cuz mistakes and bad stuff can teach us far far more than success - and in many ways I think that whatever "success" may be, it is probably more likely to be found through perseverance and mistakes and failings cuz by going out and having a go at stuff, we all stand to learn more. My life hasn't been easy either but I think if we learn our lessons from stuff we can pull through and I just want to say that thanks for sharing this. That's all I have to say. Best Darkshine

Some guitars are a little more interesting that others http://www.otheroom....07/guitars.html http://www.stevesgif..._Guitar_Set.htm http://www.toxel.com...eative-guitars/ http://www.slipperyb...ruments/page/4/ Still gotta be able to play em though Or if you fancy something really unusual you could install a sea organ or a aeolian wind harp - let nature do the playing

Thank you for the suggestions so far, I am slowly working my way through them - its been a busy week and I haven't been as 'on it' as I would normally. I'm wondering if everyone else either finds this topic boring - or if there are more people who just avoid the news as I have done for so long - also, this may be a total presumption, but I did think that there would be some really weird stuff that people might read and I'm mildly surprised that a lot of this stuff is er... dunno the word... not very surprisingly quirky PS - has anyone seen how much the price of newspapers have gone up by - its been a long time people, they were pence last time I bought one

Maybe some phobias have a degree of justification - I worked in a factory that set aside meat for pet food and I wholeheartedly agree that it is worthy of a phobia (especially when you have seen what ###### goes into that stuff!!!!).

I've had depression since I was 14 - at least - its hard to put an actual start time on this since I can actually remember depressive periods from being as young as 7 - but anyway - depression is a part of me in some way, but it doesn't have to define me, and it doesn't have to rule me, when I am in a depressive cycle - or episode - things are really really not good at all, to the point where I want to kill myself or self harm or hurt others. But is depression me? Am I depression? No, it is not and I am not. It might play a role in defining aspects of my life, but it is not me, my name is not Darkshine the depressed. I guess if you think about AS in a similar fashion - am I AS? Nope, I am not, does it define me? Well it plays a role but I am not defined by AS, I do not have the name Darkshine the AS either. If we look at my initial post, I was not looking for an operation to surgically remove AS as though its something to be removed, I wanted to know if - like depression - there are ways of stepping back and seeing it like I can see depression at times, depression feels easier to understand for me, I find it easier to understand than AS - but I can step back and look at things and I know what to do - when I have issues where AS does become a problem for some reason - I cannot always tell if its me, AS or something else. The purpose would be - in seeing AS as separate - to look at it, understand it, value it - for even depression has a value of sorts, I can write some pretty ok things when I am in a deep depression and I can see things very differently in that state, and although it might be unconventionally weird to say I value my depressive episodes - I do - they give me something that other people I know do not have - I can do things and understand things because of my depression, I can connect with people who are depressed, I can understand them, I can understand myself - or begin to have a further understanding as years pass - and I can find some level of acceptance. Just thought I'd clarify that I am not seeking AS to be something to cut off and thrown away, just that I would like to reach a point where I can see things differently - and to acknowledge that like depression, it might take a while to do so - because I assure you that depression for me was a deeply upsetting, scary, disturbing and horrible experience for me for many years, but I did see value in it and over the years, many years, that value has grown and developed into something else - as such I wonder whether a similar thing can happen with AS as my understanding of depression continues over the years even now.

Oh yeah - that was gross!! That's one of your highlights?!?!?! I have loads of highlights in a year that has been pretty varied, I've had some really rough patches this year, dropping out of studying, food issues, my hand is still not great, had some really depressive times this year, none of which I feel the need to go into... But... I can go out by myself for the first time in years and have done so for a few months now, I am starting to eat without stress - not much food - but much less stress and that's a big thing, I've come off meds, found a best mate who is for keeps, I've decided to put the studies to one side, am working on addressing numerous issues I have (emotional, physical, psychological - amongst many others), I've found a degree of relaxation I haven't really experienced in my adult life without booze or drugs, I've cut down smoking, have been swimming twice (even though I can't swim well its been fun), I sorta think I'm "alright" and that in itself is massive because I hated my guts a few months ago. This isn't counting all the other stuff either - I could write more but I do not wish to do so at this time. I guess if you look for opportunities you will find them - if you look for the bad in things you will find that too. Now I just need to deal with my puke phobia which is still as strongly disturbing as ever!!!

I believe that it isn't what is 'boring' as an instrument - its what you can do with it that makes the difference between interesting and boring, I can think of some examples of guitar players that most definitely are not boring to listen to (in my opinion of course)

Yes I completely have had these sorts of feelings for most of my life and I am starting to see the value in feeling like the odd one out, I don't want a predetermined slot, or a box to live in, I'm finding certain levels of value in being me, sometimes it is difficult changing how I view things - or rather - adjusting my views on things - some people are unique, and as much as I do feel different and isolated and weird at times, there's something in that which is good because its interesting, and if I can't be unique or amazingly brilliant, then maybe interesting will do, even if I am one of the few people who believes it is interesting being the 'odd one out'. Also as I don't really want to be like everyone else, rejection becomes irrelevant as the people who matter in my life do not reject me and so the rest can politely take their leave of me and I shall take mine from them.

Thank you, it was of interest Nope, I'm an aspiring bagpipe, clarinet and guitar player who has only one functioning hand and no money to buy a clarinet or bagpipes - but regarding the bagpipes, if I did have money - I'm gonna make one sound and be murdered by everyone within at least a 2 mile radius, I reckon learning to play - or playing - the bagpipes could be a seriously risky business to my health! Now I can visualise having a guitar and a clarinet and attempting some sort of alternating thing going on there - but where the hell would I put the bagpipes? (clean answers only people)

Just decided to add this..... I have been contemplating this for some time now.... I fancy getting hold of a set of bagpipes and trying to learn how to play them. Or alternatively the clarinet.... And I still have an acoustic guitar to learn but I can't play that at the moment unless I strum and I just can't be bothered with that as I prefer classical guitar and I haven't enough movement in my hand for that.

Maybe