Dijac

I'm taking my son, (15) to a violin concert in 2 weeks - he asked to go - not strictly classical, as is electric violin, but he loves it. The musician is called Lindsay Stirling.

Hi , Re Bed32's post, one thing we did identify was that Will ready hated the school canteen - so we tried to collect him at lunchtime when we could. We are in France, so he often had a 2 hour break, so it was do-able. Just having a break to distress a bit made a big difference to him. He now has a statement, and the authority pays for a taxi so he can still come home, even though his school is now a bit further away. Diane

Hi, I'm afraid I can't really help, just sympathise and tell you I thought you were describing our son. He is almost 15 now. I don't think he has been stealing, but he manipulates things to get what he wants - and he doesn't have OCD - but the rest is the same. He was diagnosed at about 11, and his psychiatrist put him on Risperdal - just .25ml per day. I know a lot of people don't agree with anti psychotics, but this did seem to calm him, just a bit - and helped him sleep. But he has refused to take it since March this year, and he has become a lot more violent since then. Not sure if it's his age (someone told me 15 was the worst aGE) or if was coming off the meds. He is in a normal school, though he moved up a year, and does well academically. But says he is so tired at the end of each day. We also have a younger son (12), and Will is totally horrid to him, and tries to rule the family. I am dreading the summer holidays - Will generally refuses to go out. Will hates my husband, his father, too. I am hoping you get some useful advice which I can follow too. Good luck, Diane

Hi, My son is now almost 15, and has been the same - he hates public toilets. For him it was a privacy thing. When they went swimming the teacher let him have one of the only cubicles for changing as he'd refused to change with the others. But he has started sort of 6th form college this year, and now manages to use the school toilets occasionally. And he has just come back from a trip to Venice, and managed ok. He is still not comfortable with public toilets, but will use them now.

Hi, I haven't posted on here for a while - 2 years ago my son, (then 12), was supposed to go on a school trip to London - we live in France, so quite a big feat. Well, he really wanted to go, but just couldn't - we could almost see him fighting with himself - he was just too stressed. (Where would he sleep? - he had a fear of public toilets, what if he didn't like the food) etc Last year the only time he went out was to go to school. Roll on 2 years, (now almost 15) and last night he came back from a school trip to Venice. Since September he has been in Lycee (like 6th form), and is in a much more serious class - so more like minded people - he has lots of friends, mainly girls, but one boy he likes enough to share a room with. His principal teacher knows of his AS and said she'd keep an eye on him, and she said she'd ensure he shared just with this one boy. The first day or so I had a lot of texts saying he was too tired and hated it - but once he settled, he had a good time. He even bought me a pair of tiny Venetian mask earrings. He hasn't told me a lot yet - after a week of being sociable he needs to be left alone now. But we are feeling very proud of the progress he has made this last year. Just thought I'd share a success story. Diane

Hi, We learnt the hard way it is better to tell our son what he was getting. Last year we decided to give him a laptop as a surprise - he cried all day. It was terrible. This year he got a few small presents, then chose something else he wanted himself. Much better Christmas this year. He is 14 now. We don't have a problem with food - he likes roast meat and potatoes, and mince pies - and he loves Christmas cake, but can't understand why I only make it at Christmas. Diane

Hi, My son, who is now 14 has taken it for 2 years at a very low dose - but he has had no obvious side effects, even in the first week - for him it helps him sleep better and he gets less agitated - in fact, he tried stopping it earlier this year, and started getting very agitated again - I know it doesn't have such a positive effect for everyone, but for him it helps. Diane

Hi Dr. G-nome, I live in France, so am not really sure of the system in UK. But I do have a 14 y.o Aspie son. A lot of the things you say were the same for him. Maybe because we are English living here, he is a bit exotic, so some of his 'quirks' are maybe put down to that. He has mainly female friends too - and also hates sports - his teachers have made some allowances - like when they had to go swimming, she let him have a private cubicle to change. When he was at primary school, he came home for lunch most of the time - and had a real problem with the canteen when he went to senior school - so I have had to adapt my work schedule to pick him up as much as I could. When I couldn't, one of his teachers let him take sandwiches and a book and sit in an empty classroom. We found this helped with his meltdowns, as he was getting some alone time. Last week he started at equiv of six form college, which is further away, but the dept of handicapped people have agreed to pay for a taxi for him to return home at lunchtime, when possible - (it works out 3 times per week). He has always had problems sleeping too - I know it is not very favoured here, but he is taking Risperdal, but only a tiny amount - we found this is just enough to keep him calm - we did try and stop it earlier this year, and he started getting aggressive again - I also find he sleeps better with it. I know this doesn't work for everyone. Maybe a better option is homeopathy - when he is really stressed,(like for the 2 weeks before he started his new school) I give him a medicine for minor problems sleeping - it has camomile and things in it. We also have the computer issue - in the school holidays there were days when he was on it from 8am - 11pm - I do drag him out with me to walk the dog, and make him have little breaks - but a lot of his NS friends seem to be on all day too. But he is not allowed to take his laptop to his room, so if he wants to go there, he can just read or something, otherwise I know he'd never come out. Unfortunately, with adolescence, comes more attitude - sometimes I get the "I'm the genius round here, so I know best!!" speech from him - so I have to stand my ground. But in a lot of ways, he does see it as a positive thing at the moment. Although he does get frustrated at all the stupidity in the world! Though now he is at lycee, he is in a 'serious class', with more serious students, and is loving it. I'm not sure if any of this helps, but it hopefully shows that things can progress. We had a few bad years before his diagnosis (age 11) - And I am not sure if I am not a bit Aspie too - I do go to an AS support group, and when they talk about girls with AS, I can see a lot of things in me. (He refuses to come however) - Anyway, good luck. Diane

Hi, My son (13) was diagnosed 2 years ago. I go sometimes to a support group here in France, and through listening to them talk about girls on the spectrum, I have been wondering about this myself. I love being by myself, but have always held down jobs etc. I teach now, but do prefer one to one, than teaching groups. I'm not sure if I am making some of the symptoms match my life, or vice versa (if that makes sense). I can sympathise with my son a lot more than my husband can, when he panics in a crowd etc. But then at 48 is there any benefit to finding out or not. I am English living in a French village, and imagine any 'weirdness' is put down to my English eccentricity or something. The support group are going to a theme parc next week - Will refuses to come, but I will go with my younger son, and I am intending to speak to an As mother and ask her when she got diagnosed, and if it has helped her or not. I do find talking to the other parents good - reminds me it isn't my fault. Diane

Hi, He is very used to flying - we lived in US till he was 4y.o.. When he was about 3 he started getting sick, often on landing - this is the bit he hates most. We then had a spell when he was sick on every car journey, train journey etc - and especially on a bus. He has grown out of it to an extent now, but we've had a couple of bumpy flights in the past, and this is what he dreads and gets anxious about. Luckily, this trip, we had no problems - very smooth flights - even ending in him asking - 'Are we there already?'

Hi Selsey, We saw Will's psychiatrist the other day and he is arranging for him to have a disability card, so then we won't have to queue so long next time. We are coming over to UK this weekend - Will hates flying - so lots of planning, and prep needed. I am dreading it. And let's hope his i pod doesn't run out of battery!! Diane

Hi, About a year ago I asked for advice about taking my son to a concert - he'd asked to go, but when we sat down to book, he'd decided he couldn't manage it. This February he asked if we could try again - he wanted to see Lana Del Rey. So we booked. He was pretty stressed at times, and I learnt a few things, but we went to the concert, and he said after that he would go again. As suggested to me, I'd booked seats - he would never have managed to stand in the crowd at the front. However, we did still have to wait for about an hour in a big queue/ crowded huddle (I live in France, and the French don't queue!!) - this was pretty stressful, and he nearly bolted when he saw he'd have to be patted down by security! Once we got inside, things were much better. I had seen a note about calling in advance if you have a disability, and I thought this would probably be just for parking and access, but I asked someone once inside and they said another time I should call, and maybe he could go in a different door. It was free seating though, with no assigned seats, so he had been very worried that we wouldn't be able to sit together. Luckily though, it wasn't at all a fullhouse, so we had a lot of choice. We choose side seats, so we could escape quickly if need be. I'd told him throughout that it was an experiment, so if he wnated to leave we could. Another error I made was I let him get over hungry - So next time I will make sure I take somthing with us. A good thing we did do, was to leave when she said she was on the last song - that way, there was fighting to get out of the building/parking etc. During the queuing part he said he'd never some again, but this morning he said he would if we could call and arrange something. He even said maybe we should have sat a 'bit' closer to the stage. This to me is a success - he does like music and as he gets older (he's 13 now) I could imagine he'd want to go more. He had a couple of things last year he couldn't manage, (a concert and a school trip), so I just thought I'd share that with planning and increasing maturity, he can learn to overcome some of the difficulties. Diane

Hi Alibird, While my husband isn't AS, he and my son, Will, 13, don't get on. This has been goign on for some years, to the point sometimes where Will shouts at his Dad he wishes I'd divorce him etc. This really upsets me. However, recently we were having problems, and Will got really upset thinking there was a real possibility we'd divorce. I sometimes put their differences down to the fact that my husband is older - he has a lot less patience than me. If we are goign somewhere and Will kicks off that he doesn't want to go, my husband tends to just shout at him. I have to tell him sometimes that, yes, Will can be ignorant to him - not sure how much is down to AS and how much to just beign a teenager - but the fact is, he is still a child, and my husband is the adult, so needs to try and behave as such. For us also, my husband doesn't do a lot with my son. I feel a lot of Will's resentment is down to this. But he has a very stressful job, and then shuts hismelf in his garage at the weekend doing DIY stuff - which doesn't interest Will whatsoever. I have to force on all of them family activities, and while Will is often resistant at first, once we are there, it is usually ok. But this is all very tiring for me - like you say, being piggy in the middle is very wearing. I had a low point last year and ended up going off to visit a friend for a few days, although I was very worried about leaving them together. But in fact they managed fine - probably better without me intervening, because they had no choice. My son's psychiatrist has noted that Will is a lot more agressive when his father comes to an appointment - but says that some father/son problems are normal,especially in the teen years. However, he does want to see my husband and I to discuss my son without him - (appt in April). So maybe some professional helps now is a good idea. I don't know if any of this helps, but I understand it is difficult. Good luck, Diane

Hi Trekster, We were very wary of starting him on meds, and when he was having just a small difficult time, the pyschiatrist wanted to double the dose, but we refused. Also, I guess I should mention he does struggle a bit with his weight - a side effect, although this year he has started to walk home from school, as he hates the bus - which has helped maintain things. So I know it isn't ideal, and doesn't work for everyone. I guess fr my son it just made him calm enough to tell us what his main problems were. Diane

Hi, I am goign to mention, against most of the others, that at diagnosis, my son's psyciatrist started him on Risperdal (he is only on 0.5ml per day).At the time before, and at diagnosis he was very frustrated, and was getting aggresive with frustration. He also didn't sleep very well. We foudn the medicine helped calm him, and he seems to sleep better - and being less tired, seems to sleep better. Maybe it's the medicine, or maybe just the fact we are taking his problems more seriosuly, but I haven't been chased with an iron bar for 2 years now. Will also researched Aspergers on the internet, and this helped him - especially when he found out some famous, successful people have As. That was 2 years ago, and Will is now 13. And despite growing a lot, is still on the same dose. Once he accepted his diagnosis, (this took a while), he was able to talk about what were his major problems, and we have tried to address them. He still comes home for lunch almost every day - this gives him a de-stress time - without the noise and smells of the school canteen. And some privacy to do his de-stress ritual before going back for the afternoon - he walks up and down the garden path, or round the dining table if raining. He came up with his ritual when he was very young, and it is great he has something that de-stresses him. Thsi little break means he is much more able to cope with school. We are in France, so I am not sure how things work in UK, but Will is taking his Brevet (sort of equiv to o levels) - He qualifies for extra time in his exams - most of which he won't need, except maybe in French - as your son does in English. I wouldn't say you should go down the medication route, but for us it has worked, so don't rule it out completely, but use it alongside some other things. Over time, my son's growing has naturally reduced his dose, and we hope by the end of adolescence, we will be able to stop it all together. Good luck, Diane

Hi, There was one on Newsround yesterday too, at 5pm UK time. My Mum had told me about it . I watched it with my younger son, as we think he has dyslexia - we hopefully get some results back tonight from some tests he's had. It was interesting, and made him realise that he isn't stupid - it's not his fault he has problems reading. Diane

Hi Sherbet, My son (13) has AS, so I am a couple of years ahead of you - he was only diagnosed earlier this year - to people outside, he seems ok, but as soon as he gets home he lets it all out!! If I let him he'd spend all day on the computer - so we have to force him to come out - thankfully so far, and although he has threatened not to, he does go to school every day. We do have to bring him home for lunch and to de-stress. I'm not looking forward to next year when he changes school!! Diane

Hi, Thanks for your replies. SmileyK, I was reading your thread with interest - it seems to be from Will's point of view - I have just read bits to my husband - it just seemed the other day he was being a spoilt brat, but we can see now it wasn't that. Stupidly, he was upset because he didn't get a tin of YuGiOh cards - at one point I told him I'd take the computer back and get him a 20E box of cards instead. I knew he'd get money (he did - us living in France means a lot of family just send him money) - so he could chose whichever tin he wanted. SA Skimrand - in retrospect, maybe we should have bought him a laptop later - he goes up to lycee (like 6th form) next year, so will need one for school work - I like your idea of just keeping small things for Christmas, and in fact we do usually do this. My husband may take early retirement next year, so we tought it was may be good to buy these things while he is still working. Anyhow - he is playing on it right now, although he is muttering under his breath - and his brother is on his PS3 - but it isn't raining for once, so I will go and upset them all and drag them for a walk. Diane

Hi, My husband and I thought my son (13 AS) would be so happy this Christmas - we'd bought him a laptop - he is always complaining that he has to share the house computer with his brother - and in modern technology, it is a bit old - so often too slow for him. He saw his brother got a PS3 for him main present and was very anxious. I passed him his large box - he opened it, and rushed into the garden to do his de-stress ritual. When he came back in, he started sobbing. We were very bemused. This was all before he even took it out of the box. When he did that, it was even worse - we had to agree that windows 8 is ###### awful, when you are used to the old windows. The more upset he got, the more my husband and I became depressed. We'd really thought he'd be pleased. So Will then started to get more upset, because he knew he'd disappointed us with his reaction. This was on and off all day - he had to go outside and destress in the rain a lot - and the day ended with him sobbing again at 11pm saying he knew he should have been grateful, but was too confused. Yesterday was better - he was starting to get used to it - plus my husband tried to set some of his usual stuff up on it. Today has been up and down, but I think we've had a problem with our wifi. My husband has been trying to sort some things for him, but Will doesn't seem very interested in helping - he just plays on the Wii while he is waiting. I am sure things will calm down, and he will end up being very pleased with his computer. He had asked for 'surprises' on his list. Can anyone enlighten me as to why he reacted like he did, and what could we have done to prevent the stress we all had Christmas day. Diane

My son doesn't like fireworks much either - although we were in UK last weekend, and my cousin had a firework party, and he did come outside for 5 minutes, but only while some of the smaller ones were let off. Last year we went to an airshow, and despite wearing eardefenders, he totally hated it when a jet came, so we had to leave. So like Justine, we sometimes have to avoid things my other son (NT) likes, as it would be too stressful for Will.

I quite like Michael Portillo too - we watched somew of the railway journey programmes he did.

Hi Trekster, The support gtoup site is : http://aspergerlorraine.fr/ On the home page there are photos from the puppet show. Diane

Hi, I live in France - my son was diagnosed with AS earlier this year. I agree they are backward with regards to autism, and I got a bit mad when the psychiatrist told me, "yes he does have this 'maladie'", which means illness - she said they consider it a mental illness. And they do seem to have a pre-occupation with the pregnancy and birth of the child - like it is the mother's fault. But on the plus side, we have found an Aspergers group in our region, which meets once a month - it has parents of kids, and AS adults. I have found this really useful to know we are not alone, and to find out what services could be available. A lot of the teenagers come to the meetings too, and my friend's son finds it very re-assuring to talk to others with similar problems. Alas, my son has refused to come with me so far. Some people from the association also visit schools and do a puppet show about autism, promoting it as a different way, not an illness to try to change ideas. So, they aren't totally bad here, and some people are trying to change things. It is just very slow. Diane

Hi, My son was a little older (11) when I told him - I tried to make sure I didn't make it a bad thing, just a different way of thinking. He was confused at first, and needed a lot of re-asurance that he still loved him etc. But he is very into his computer, and in looking up AS, he read about some famous alleged Aspies. When he found out the inventor of Pokemon maybe has AS, he was very re-assured. He loves computers and wants to be a computer game inventor himself. I did also buy the book: Asperger Syndrome, the Universe and Everything , by Kenneth Hall - an 8 year old child. He only flicked through it, but his younger brother found it interesting when I read bits out to him . Glad they are putting things in place at school. Diane

Hi karmadestiny I am also mother to an Aspie (13). We are English, but live in France. He is academic, so lessons at school are easy for him ,but the playground and canteen are a different matter. I can't imagine dealing with him, and parents and in-laws. It sounds like you have your hands full. Welcome , Diane