Lyndalou

Hi Mike I'm not sure if there is a great lot and imo there is an awful lot of negative information on the internet about people in relationships with partners who have AS. Reading some of this information, often written by 'experts' in the field has made me feel quite upset as it often 'blames' the AS partner for any problems in the relationship so I try not to read too much of it any more. I'm not saying that I don't agree that some AS/NT relationships are abusive or destructive (as any relationship can be) but what I can't accept is that this is the unchallenged 'template' of what a relationship on the spectrum is like. However, my husband bought and read '22 Things a Woman with Aspergers wants her Partner to know' by Rudy Simone and it was very easy to read...nothing too heavy. This is the 'companion' book to '22 Things a Woman must know if she loves and Man with Aspergers' which I haven't read but has decent reviews. After reading a lot of stuff written by 'experts' about how bad Aspergers parents can be too, it was nice the other day to read comments by Tony Attwood saying that we mums can do a great job and make very good parents... Are you asking from a personal standpoint? My husband has a lot of 'traits' and he says this himself too. This probably means that we can rub along together easier than I was with a completely 'typical' man. We are a bit unconventional in that both of us take trips away from the home on our own and often we sit in silence in the evening doing our own thing! He is willing (and happy) to do some of the 'woman' stuff like cooking and changing nappies (not so happy ) while I do bits of DIY and take junk to the dump. When we met, we agreed that our relationship would only work if we were totally honest with each other and kept talking to each other so even though at times it's excruciatingly hard and we hear uncomfortable things, this so far has worked for us. Lynda

I like the idea of sitting in a bed of cushions - cosy! However, 2 duvets would make me totally claustrophobic . I loved my 'dens' as a kid too...I had one behind a big bush in the garden - I thought no-one could see me there as it was so secluded but my mum could keep watch on me from an upstairs window

Hi Echo I've just gone and bought a bunch of sensory stuff including a sensory tent for my son and I intend to make use of it myself when he's not about! I wouldn't have considered this type of thing if I hadn't been taken into a sensory room when I had OT therapy and I was very taken aback as to how mega-chilled I felt watching (and listening to) bubble tubes and watching lights slowly changing colour! I've since been in a smaller sensory room a couple of times with my son and again, found it very relaxing! You don't have to go down the road of getting expensive equipment - you can just make a little 'den' out of sheets or blankets but I've chosen to get a proper blackout sensory tent so that it's got more of a 'cocoon' feel... Lynda

I must admit that I can't really remember a lot of what I was doing at 4 but things that sticks out in my mind was that I repeatedly did puzzles as a toddler (just like my son) and often I did them with picture side down, I had a spinning top (one of the ones that you push down on the top) and I used to love watching that and I was a precocious speaker who spoke clear sentences at the age of 18 months . There is a picture of me at a toddler group. It always puzzled me when I looked at the picture why I was 'separate' to the rest of the kids; in the picture I was standing and not smiling by the window while the other little girls were all bunched together smiling and looking at the camera. At school (I started school at 4), I was classed as a 'daydreamer' as I zoned out a lot and got into trouble for 'not paying attention' or 'disobedience' and I was reading 3 (children's) books a night on my own by the age of 5. By all accounts, I spent a lot of time 'gardening' outside of school at that age too on my own too and I remember being fascinated by worms. Not long after, I used to go digging for bait and fishing with my dad and I was very possessive of my time spent with him.

Looks like it will be an interesting lecture!

Hi Bristolbloke and welcome to the forum It sounds like for the most part you are happy with your life and that if you are indeed on the autistic spectrum then you have managed to learn and compensate very well. What you might want to ask yourself is what you would like to achieve from gaining a diagnosis. Some people might find the diagnosis can lead to some adaptations being made for them in the workplace but just 'knowing' can mean that you can make adaptations in your everyday life to make life easier. For instance, many (if not most) people on the autistic spectrum have sensory difficulties along with the more 'recognisable' difficulties and it can be helpful to figure out what those are. Good luck with the GP. You may find the info on the NAS website about approaching your GP helpfu. Lynda

What is your MP saying they can do for you? Are they confident they can help and are you?

I think that death is a pretty difficult concept for kids to get their heads around. I can remember being very upset about the family dog dying when I was about 6 but then my Gran died the following year and I don't remember understanding it very well. My thought is that having animals can be a good 'introduction' to life and death, even if it is just explained in the simplest terms at first. It's part of the reason I just decided to get a hamster; so my children can care for her and when the time comes they can say 'Goodbye'. I think the fact your lad is speaking about his Gran Sesley shows that the advert has triggered memories of his granny and I think this kind of discussion should be encouraged and is very healthy.

That's great to hear Smiley. It is normal to feel frustrated if you are a bit 'stuck' but hopefully you can find a way forward with the help of your family and the professionals.

There's a saying that goes 'Healthy body, healthy mind'. It's not quite as simple as that in practice but the meaning of the saying is that if you give your body the nutrients it needs, are active and sleep as much as you need for your body and mind to recuperate after the stresses and strains of the day then you will be able to cope better and have a healthier mindset than if you don't treat your body with respect and/or burn the candle at both ends (get too little sleep).

Smiley It can be very hard to work through deep-seated and difficult issues. It does take a lot of effort and commitment to make progress and make things 'better' but it can be a slow process and therefore can be disheartening. As has been said to you many times, work through these problems with the people who can help you in the 'real' world and tell them what the problems are so they can help you the best way they can. You need to take on board advice given (obviously you can discard what you don't think is helpful) and try to implement that advice. It can be painful and upsetting but if you do things like look after yourself physically and get lots of rest then that will help too. Lynda

Oh, what bliss. Remember doing this a lot when I was little.... I loved making lines in fabrics with a pile and skimming my hands over the top!

This makes me feel very very sad and I'm glad you are trying to do something to recognise the achievement of your children. However, I must admit that I would want to challenge the reasons given as to why this child could be overlooked in such an obvious way and for such a trivial reason in my opinion. He sounds like an incredibly gifted artist. I won the 4th Year Art Prize at secondary and it's one of my best memories and I felt so proud of my achievement. I still remember the strange look on the teacher's face who gave me my prize however. Now I know that I should have chosen an art book for my prize but I had picked a contemporary (slightly racy) novel instead, lol.

I wish I could say that there is an easy answer to your question but I know and you probably know that it can be a lot more difficult to gain an ASD diagnosis for a girl as opposed to a boy. There are professionals who recognise that girls often 'present' differently to boys with more 'subtle' symptoms but many professionals/teachers equate this to there not being much of a problem when it actual fact all it means is that the problems are not always outwardly manifested and even if they are they are not taken particularly seriously. Also, it is generally believed that girls can tend to start struggling more obviously at the onset of puberty. Speaking as a woman who struggled all through my teens (and didn't tell anyone apart from God), I would say trust your instincts that your little girl needs the help you describe. Half the battle is that you see the problems she is having. My mum laughed when I plucked all my eyelashes out at the age of 12 as I was in so much distress! There is a lot of anecdotal evidence to suggest that many girls with ASD actually have a very active (in fact completely vivid) imagination because it is their way of escaping the emotional and social turmoil they face. However, it is not officially recognised in any diagnostic criteria and this is partly why the diagnostic criteria is currently under scrutiny with regards to how applicable it is to girls (see under Girls and Women on the NAS website) and there is a lot of debate as to how many girls the diagnostic criteria excludes unfairly. I would suggest that you would only concentrate therefore on the problems your daughter has which would be observable in both boys and girls on the spectrum and from the list you have produced I would say there are a fair number. I would concentrate on demonstrating your daughter's lack of SOCIAL imagination rather than highlighting her fantasy life and provide evidence as to how she struggles with friendships and with specific areas of academic learning. Lynda

I looked up the definition of this word to try to find out exactly what you may mean by your question and there seemed to be 2 meanings: the attribution of religious or mystical significance to an inanimate object or a course of action to which one has an irrational and excessive commitment. Which one do you mean?

I'll be in touch shortly Sidious

Hi Adrian and welcome to the forum

I absolutely understand your frustration and upset Dekaspace having lived in lodgings which were far from perfect with dodgy landlords. I once stayed in a shared house on the top floor where although we had a 'flat' we had no front door so the landlord wandered in when he felt like it. We were never able to use the living room as it was actually a room for all the junk he'd accumulated over 50 years or so...like a crammed antiques shop...and the rest... Do you have any documentary evidence of all the problems you had during your tenancy? Did you ever go to CAB or seek advice elsewhere? Do you have receipts or bank statements showing you have made all your rent payments? The reason I am asking is that if you were to contact a tenants rights association, they might need this kind of evidence to assist you. I really don't know how it works in actuality re. getting any of your money back or getting him to back off on asking for any more money from you but I do know that tenants rights were tightened recently - eg. having briefly looked up a website about tenants rights it states that your landlord should have placed your deposit in an Approved Tenancy Deposit Protection Scheme in case of any dispute about returning the total amount of deposit! Not just, you are not getting it and that's the end of it! I would suggest you look on the various sites about tenants rights - the Government one is top of the list - and get an appointment with CAB asap. The site I looked on suggested you speak to a Tenancy Relations officer so it might be worth calling the council too?

This sounds like a really well thought through proposition. If it can raise awareness at the same time as provide assistance to those who need it then more's the better I say! Would you be considering monthly donations in future as well as one-offs? I give a small donation to Dogs Trust on a monthly basis as I do to a couple of other (human) charities close to my heart and I would definitely consider this.

Sidious What a brilliantly proactive thing to do! Will donations be primarily for start-up costs/advertising etc? Lynda

I can assure you Susie that at 5 yrs old my son can now make excellent eye contact. It is one of the reasons that I believed that the Paediatrian was actually wrong about an ASD diagnosis in my son's case although back when he was just over 2 yrs old his eye contact was quite limited; mostly fleeting or he looked at us sideways. His eye gaze over time became longer and more direct (too direct) although there are times that he still won't make eye contact when he wants something and instead tugs on me or makes odd noises. The actual 'symptom' regarding eye contact is 'inappropriate' eye contact. That can mean too little or too much. So the child might avoid eye gaze, make fleeting eye contact or stare or not look at you when you would expect them to. I can remember clearly as a child flicking my eyes back and forward between the eyeballs of the person I was looking at as I couldn't figure out how to look at them. I was always being told to look at someone when they were speaking to me so I tried my best to do it and started looking at a point between their eyes and I often went cockeyed! Part of the problem was that I was unsure how close to stand to another person - it's easier to stand further away!

Hi Bed32 My son's school review took place today and at it his 'perfectionist' tendencies were discussed. It turned out that the school and myself are doing similar things with regards to tackling his outbursts or upset when he doesn't do things exactly as he would want or they don't turn out as he has planned. When I do something 'wrong' at home, I might make a big deal of it by saying something like 'Silly Mummy' or 'Mummy did it wrong, oh dear' or 'Mummy needs to try again' etc to demonstrate that when he isn't happy with something he has done that it's ok - he can try again. The teachers are doing the same thing like putting random things on their heads and saying 'Look, I've got a hat on' and then he says 'No, it's not!' and they say 'Oops! I thought it was a hat'. Maybe this is a daft example but basically it's about showing him that other people make mistakes... Lynda

Apart from the different behaviours between school and home (which is quite usual in a child with ASD), what are the reasons they are giving you as to why they feel that an ASD diagnosis is inappropriate? They can't just say this is what they think without giving some explanation.