I'm really all over the place at the moment. Don't know how I'll feel tomorrow but today I don't feel great. I recognised that I have always had Aspergers around 2 months ago when I started reading up. At the time I was recovering from another emergency section (I think unnecessary) and trying to come to terms with my son's diagnosis of high functioning autism. It has been a huge shock but not a surprise if that makes sense and yet again I have had to start examining my life and everything that has happened to me in my life from a completely new perspective at a time when I've got quite enough stress already in my life, thank you very much! My first reaction has been 'Who can I tell?' Even friends I have known since my 20's, my first thought as soon as I considered telling them was 'Well I won't see them for dust after this'. My fear of rejection is over-arching. The people I have told though have had a mix of reactions from not being surprised but not thinking it is a big deal to thinking I am joking - I can be seen as a confident, gregarious type in the right company. I spoke to a lady early on (I thought she might get where I was coming from) who has an autistic child who worked with my little boy. I ended up wishing I had not approached her because I think she just thought I was selfish, thinking of myself and not my child when there is obviously nothing much wrong with me - I feel quite embarassed. How do you explain that your whole life has involved obsessing about fitting in and that in order to keep the friends I have I try to gauge how long I can leave meeting up or speaking to them before they give up on me? I naively thought that when I became a mum I would have so much in common with other mums and it'd be all coffee and cake and walks in the park. How wrong was I? In a lot of ways I feel more out of step than ever and right now I feel like my emotions are a pressure cooker. Yesterday, for instance, my baby girl was crying shrilly at many points in the day. The crying makes me sweat and sometimes shake. I can't stand feeling sweaty. The weather keeps changing from cold to hot and I never know what to put the kids in and sometimes it stresses me out - I think I had put her in too much when she went down for a nap. So then, it seemed like she would probably want to be fed more but she has started to gulp her feed and it is difficult to burp her. She has had reflux since birth so I am always anticipating sick and how long she should be upright and the resultant laundry - I feel I have laundry coming out of my ears and it drives me mad. Anyway, yesterday all I could hear was this gurgly noise in her tummy which set my teeth on edge. How do I explain how upset I get? I don't. I would just be thought of as an unfeeling mother! I know it is horrible for her but that does not stop the pressure building up and up until I lose the plot. Then at the same time my little boy is putting his lines of letters on the floor or trying to balance things on the edges of tables and getting very upset when they fall over. Or he is refusing to feed himself at dinner time or refusing to let his nappy be changed. I know that me being unable to get to grips with my anxiety will ultimately affect the children and that is the last thing I want. I also do not want to drive my husband (who has been understanding but doesn't really get it) away. The GP didn't believe me when I said about Aspergers and I have since spoken to an independent assessor who told me that they have not got to grips with the referral process for adults in this area. At least he didn't dismiss me and we have set a date to start working towards a 'professional opinion'. I just want validation so I am not just dismissed as an attention seeker. I feel like I have been expected to put up and shut up for ever. I know I am very lucky in a lot of respects but I have found no other mother in my situation to speak to. The local NAS officer is setting me up with another 2 mums with autistic kids locally so we can bounce ideas off each other but I can't help thinking that I will not be able to be totally frank and that it'll probably turn out that they'll become buddies and I'll be out in the cold because they won't agree with me on certain things. Is there anyone out there who gets where I'm coming from?