atlantis

Hi everyone, My birthday is coming up in a couple of weeks and I'm already getting anxious about it. My fear is that I will be alone on my birthday, but typical birthday socialising comes with so much expectation that it usually ends in disappointment, which won't be great either! I'd really like to go out for the day with my boyfriend, but before he knew the date of my birthday he already made plans to travel to see his friend on that day because it's also her birthday and she's having a party. He's promised to do something with me the following day, which I understand is perfectly reasonable and fair. I'm not mad/upset/annoyed or anything with him- he's done nothing wrong- I'm just worried that it will leave me alone and very depressed on my birthday. I do have one good friend I could see, but she works during the day and she lives out of town, so if I spent the evening with her she'd have to stay at my place, which I'd really struggle with. I could visit my parents so I don't have to be alone, but I did that the last couple of years and it just felt a bit... tragic. I wish I didn't have a birthday, it would be so much easier! I could pretend I don't, but I'd know really, and it makes me sad that most people can have so much fun on their birthdays when I have to pretend it's not happening. Does anyone have any suggestions how I could make it easier? Anyone have similar problems?

@ Lyndalou very well put, I completely agree! When I first read about the report in the newspaper I was really concerned about the effect it would have on public awareness of autism- particularly of high-functioning types as in personal experience it's often difficult to be taken seriously as it is! I think the perception of autism as an 'illness' that can be 'cured' is a potentially dangerous one, Even if it were possible to completely remove all autistic traits to make a person 'normal', there's the question of whether it really would be as straightforward as treating an 'illness', or whether it would be a complete reversal/reassignment of a personality. And how far would it go, beyond autism? Would they try to change any remotely 'abnormal' traits in anybody, to make them fit better with their definition of normal? Scary stuff :/ '

Lots of interesting posts! @Linnet it happens a lot to me too that I get told I'm a very feminine and delicate person, when on the inside I feel much more masculine than most other girls! Although I do wear skirts and makeup and things I do seem to think much more logically and my interests are much more typically male. I get called 'cute' all the time and it drives me nuts! When I was little I really wanted to be a boy and would wear my brother's clothes- I used to love it when people thought I was a boy. My gender identity has always been a little shaky, I guess. Last year in my art degree I did a whole project on androgyny, and loved dressing up ambiguously! I think in an ideal world I'd be male some days and female other days... I think in reality that would be too confusing for people though! @Lyndalou I really like the idea of 'reinvention' you talk about, and I think this is something I can really relate to- as although I feel like my sense of identity is in constant flux from time to time I'll completely reinvent my look/outlook. Also the fact that you're 'drawn to' butterflies- me too! My flat is decorated with butterflies, I have butterfly clothes and jewellery and they seem to pop up in my art work too. I never really noticed until someone said to me 'you really are obsessed with butterflies, aren't you?' haha. @watergirl nice tattoo! And I totally agree- my mental image of myself is different to what I see in the mirror too. It's interesting that they were thinking of dxing you with borderline personality disorder, but settled on Aspergers- you'd think they'd be so completely different that they'd be easy to distinguish! Before I was dx'd I always wondered if I had something like that.

Hi folks, I've just been reading an article in the latest New Scientist about the idea of the 'self' and it's really got me thinking... When I was diagnosed I spoke to the people who gave me the diagnosis a lot about the fact that I have no stable sense of identity, and change depending on what the situation calls for. Apparently this is a common feeling among aspies- in females in particular. In this article it talks about 3 core beliefs that determine the sense of self, one of them being 'continuity'- the sense that the person you are today is the same person you were yesterday. While I think this is true for me on the whole, I feel like my sense of identity- and in fact 'self'- changes dramatically on a day-to-day basis, much more so than for my NT friends and family. In myself I'm fairly comfortable with this, but the times when it becomes a source of anxiety are when people I know and love are confused by it. Over time the changeability of my personality seems to have alienated a lot of people, I guess because it's probably difficult for them to see me as 'genuine', or the person they get attached to can so quickly seem to become someone else. I'm just wondering what other people's experiences of this might be? Do other aspies have a comparatively stable sense of identity, or feel a bit confused? Or does anyone have any interesting links/info on the subject?

Hi Thanks for your suggestions! I tried out a few of the things you suggested last night- herbal tablets, no sugar or caffeine, no TV, and an eye cover- and it worked! I was asleep by 1am (as opposed to the usual 5am)! So thanks all for the help :D I'll try this every night now xx

Hi Does anyone else have trouble sleeping, or difficulty maintaining a normal sleep pattern? I mentioned it to my doctor and her reaction was "Ah yes, lots of people with Aspergers have difficulty sleeping," but she didn't offer any solutions. Once I get to sleep I'm fine, but it seems that I'm falling asleep later and later. and it's really starting to affect how I'm able to function during the day. I do lots of exercise so that shouldn't be an issue, and I also wear earplugs to bed so that I can't be distracted by noise, but as yet I haven't been able to find anything that really helps all that much. Anyone have any particular tricks they use themselves? (It's not at all coincidental that I'm posting this at 1.35am!) Thanks guys

Hi everyone thanks for the welcome!

No problem I'm glad it's been helpful. Hmmm can't think of a good way to say this, but it's meant to be constructive more than a criticism: Do you think it's possible that you think you're judged by other people because you're quite quick to judge others yourself? It sounds like you have strong opinions about those around you, perhaps without getting to know them better first? I ask because I know it's something I do a lot (I often assume I understand people's motivations, and that they're the same as my own, but later find out I was wrong), and perhaps if you gave them more of a chance you might believe they will give you a chance too? I used to worry about it a lot, but over time I've realised that people don't put half as much thought into judging me as I fear- most people are far too lazy! I'll PM you about my age etc- I don't mind telling you but I feel uncomfortable about posting that stuff on the open forum! Also, I introduced myself in a post in the Meet n Greet section a couple of days ago

Perhaps learning to drive would open up a few more options for you? If you're planning on carrying on living in that area with your parents and you don't like walking around there it sounds like a good solution. It would also mean you could get out and go to some classes, or just find somewhere quiet to relax! As you're studying I imagine paying for lessons etc would be difficult, but maybe if you could explain to your parents how helpful it would be for you- and perhaps even for them!- they would be willing to help you out. It would also give you something to look forward to and focus on in the the short-term, and a sense of achievement when you pass your test! Is it that you would like to socialise but are afraid of experiencing the same feeling of rejection, or is it more that you want to feel more comfortable with your own company? Do you have a specific interest that you can dedicate your time to, so that you can feel like your alone time is purposeful without the need for other people to be involved? That's why I got a little flat all to myself and I even pay less than my friends in shared accommodation!

Are you planning on going to uni once you've finished your A levels? The environment there tends to be quieter and more focussed, and I've personally found that my uni has really good support for Aspergers. I've also had the opportunity to meet other aspies through a social group for students with ASDs that's part of the uni's student union. It's not without it's own difficulties, but I've found it to be a big improvement on college and school life. I've also had the same problem of not being able to relate to others in regional Aspergers groups. In the meantime maybe you could try to join a local group/society specific to your hobbies or interests? You might meet people of a wider range of age and experience, and might benefit from socialising with people more mature than the ones you've been having difficulties with. I don't really socialise much but I go to martial arts every day, and I find that it fulfils my social needs, as well as keeping me fit (which really helps against depression) and helping to improve coordination. Hope that helps

Hi The way it was described to me by the people who diagnosed me was that we feel empathy but may lack the social skills and body language to communicate it effectively. I think that's definitely the case for me, because like you both I seem to feel it more intensely than most people but other people still see me as cold and unable to empathise.

Hi all! I've posted on the forum a few times, but have never properly introduced myself, so here goes I'm 22, female, late diagnosed aspie (got my dx the day after my 21st birthday). Was recently told I have ADHD but I remain sceptical... Totally obsessed with TV series'- especially the long-running US ones. X Files, Stargate, Buffy, Angel, Revenge, American Horror Story... I won't give you the full list, it's a long one haha. Big sci-fi fan (2001 Space Odyssey and the original Solaris AWESOME). Wide-ranging taste in music. Huge martial arts enthusiast- kickboxing, jeet kune do, eskrima, muay thai etc etc (participating rather than watching) I train up to 16hrs/week and it's massively helped with confidence-building and controlling OCD behaviours, and life in general lol. Full-time I'm a fine art student, although I'm blatantly on the wrong course since I'm like the least artistic person ever! (I can draw well, but turns out that's not the same as being creative ) Oh and I have awesome bright orange hair So yeh, that's me! I'm looking forward to getting more involved with the forum and chatting to you all xx

I've taken the test several times over the last couple of years (apparently the result can change quite a lot) and have always come out as INTJ

Thanks for the replies and for the welcome, Merry! I have actually been formally diagnosed with Aspergers, but it's interesting to know that many of the traits I've been told would be attributed to ADHD fall under the AS characteristics anyway. I'm still learning about my dx and what it means- and especially how to manage it in day-to-day life. From how you describe yourself (Merry) it sounds like we're very similar! And I also feel that getting diagnosed was life-changing in a positive way too. Hopefully the impact will continue to improve things though. At the moment it seems to be more of a battle to get other people to understand- or at least acknowledge- what it means. My experience of the forum so far has been great, and I intend to stick around!

Following some tests I was recently told that I might have ADHD in some form, and that I might like to seek an official diagnosis. I don't really know an awful lot about it, and have found a lot of the literature online very confusing. I was very surprised to hear that I might have it, as it's never something I've really noticed in myself. In public I am very quiet, and my behaviour tends to be very rigid- which is not something I would have associated with ADHD. I even sit on my hands to stop any awkward movement. When I'm with people I'm very comfortable with, however, they see the full picture of my personality. The 'me' that these people see has wild mood swings, going from *very* hyper to extremely lethargic. I make rash impulsive decisions, and am incredibly disorganised. I tend to have difficulty looking after myself because I struggle to keep a tidy house, make food etc, although other people never see or believe this because I always appear well-dressed and groomed when I leave the house (and I never let people in my house). One of the reasons my ex-boyfriend broke up with me was because he felt like he was looking after me all the time, was always responsible for chores etc, and couldn't cope with my 'craziness'. I am also constantly late, and lose friends quickly because I'm so unreliable. I have trouble at uni in lectures because I can't listen to what the speaker is saying unless they're talking about something of very specific interest to me. In the past this has sometimes led to disruptive, rude behaviour, but I feel I have that in check now. Before I thought I couldn't listen because I had some sort of processing issue with speech- if something is written down I find it much easier to process than if it's said to me. But this doesn't account for the fact that it's not so bad if it's something I'm intensely interested in. And also the recent tests have shown that my attention span is very low across the board- not just with listening to speech but also in problem solving tasks etc too. They also showed that I'm very impulsive, confirming what I knew from past experience and the opinions of friends and family. Despite this, I'm still very sceptical of the idea that I might have it (mainly because I'm not sure whether a lot of these traits could be explained by my dx of AS anyway), and would feel very uncomfortable about seeking an ADHD dx as I don't want to be wasting anybody's time if it turns out to be false. Being diagnosed might be helpful as it might allow me to address problems at uni and at home, but there is no guarantee of this. And frankly, if I ask about a dx but get told I obviously don't have it, I'm going to feel like a complete idiot and will spend ages being very hard on myself about it!! So, would it be worth seeking a diagnosis? Is it even possible that I could have it, considering the lack of publicly obvious symptoms? Any advice would be much appreciated thanks.

Thanks for your responses It’s nice to know other people have the same trouble. I also find it difficult to sleep on a daily basis, and can’t sleep before 2am at the earliest usually. This is especially problematic when combined with the fact that I function best on about 10 hours sleep! 8 is the minimum I can have if I want to feel vaguely normal really. I’m not really saying AS is ‘to blame’, but it does make the difficulties I have that definitely ARE attributed to AS much worse. This is the point that I would like to get across to my tutors, as they don’t really understand why most of the time I seem to get along fine (outwardly, at least) and other times I have major issues. For example, on one day we might have a group tutorial in the afternoon, when I’ve had chance to get a decent amount of sleep, and I seem perfectly articulate and at ease (even though I’m probably still freaking out a bit on the inside), and on another day we might have one first thing in the morning and I’ve only had 2 hours’ sleep and I’ll be either unable to enter the conversation at all or be blurting out irrelevant nonsense, interrupting people and sometimes even things like repeating everything everyone is saying. The fact that they don’t understand why my behaviour isn’t consistently ‘weird’ is a major obstacle to my getting the support that I need at uni, as it means that I’m not taken seriously when I ask for help. Using tiredness as an example of a factor that affects my ability to ‘mask’ my AS traits seems like it would be a good way to get my point across. Like I said, I understand that everyone is affected by tiredness, but I really do seem to be much more affected than my coursemates. They will often come into uni hungover having only slept for a couple of hours and still manage to get along reasonably well. If it were me I wouldn’t be able to leave my flat, let alone participate in classes at uni, and many of them seem to do this on a daily basis! I did a bit of googling last night and found a few resources that mentioned lack of sleep/food making it more difficult for people on the spectrum to remember social 'rules' and work out how to behave in different situations, but still, it doesn't seem to be something that's very well documented... And yes, the going to bed at 10pm and waking up at 6am is the dream!!! No, I haven’t been tested for visual stress. What is the test/how do you get tested? Would normal tinted glasses work the same?

Hi there, Long-time-no-posting but I have a burning question for fellow aspies: Do you find that you are less able to handle being tired than other people? I ask because I get along pretty well 'passing' as neurotypical most of the time, but when I miss out on my usual amount of sleep or skip meals I become totally useless. Sensory information becomes really intense (like everything is in super-HD!) and overwhelming and my processing speed seems to drop dramatically- I suddenly seem a lot less intelligent! This is a huge problem for me because the times when it counts- like when I have to give a presentation or something- I lose out on sleep the night before through being so nervous and it really affects my performance on the day, significantly more than the NTs around me. I know everyone is affected by lack of sleep, but for me it really feels like I can't cope. It would be nice to know that it can be attributed to AS so that I could explain it to those around me, otherwise I just get told to 'get a grip' and 'stop being so pathetic', or when I act strangely (because I find it harder to pretend to be 'normal' when tired) I get accused of vying for attention. If I could get some feedback on other people's experiences with this it would be really useful- it would be great to be able to explain the difficulty I have with this to my tutors at uni, so that they might take me seriously. Thanks _atLantis_

So, I went to the doc this week and had some antidepressants foisted upon me- Sertraline. I know there's recently been a thread about this already, but what I'm concerned about is the effect it might have on my ability to work. I'm an art student and I've heard bad things about the effects of antidepressants on creative ability. I've read some accounts that liken the effects to a 'zombie' kind of state, which definitely doesn't sound helpful (mostly because that seems to be my problem in the first place!). On the other hand some people have said it really enhanced their clarity of thought, which is something I could definitely use as I've been struggling to focus at all since the beginning of this academic year. Does anyone have any experience with this? (not just Sertraline, antideps in general?) I still haven't taken any of the pills- I'm waiting 'til I have more information to make that decision. Thanks, amigos _atLantis_

How has it changed things/has it changed you? It's had a fairly bad impact on my self-esteem. I notice things I do wrong in social situations much more than I used to. Other people think I've changed- I'm trying to act more myself now so they're noticing the difference (they generally think I'm only pretending to have AS and am trying to act accordingly). Do you feel more or less able? Less able- I feel quite useless! Have you had support? Not yet, which is bad. I got my dx 3 months ago, and since I got it I've had nothing. But I'm supposed to be meeting the specialist soon to discuss my dx report 'in plain language', so maybe something will come from that. How did your family react? My Mom has been really good. My grandparents don't really understand but have been really supportive. The rest of my family have made it quite clear that they don't care and seem to think I'm just attention-seeking. They don't believe I have AS and don't want to even try to understand. Mostly they ignore me now, or sometimes act with hostility towards me. If you got an "official" dx - did you get any help/support? Like I said, not yet. I'm holding out hope though. Do you feel understood? Not at all. How was the experience for you? Surreal and disheartening, mostly. Although if I get the support I need (...eventually...) and can overcome the self-esteem issues it's brought up I think it might turn into a positive experience overall. If you don't have a dx - would you need support? n/a What difference would dx make to you or your life? n/a _atLantis_

I understand where you're coming from with not being able to work full-time, I can't do it either. Even some other people I've spoken to with AS think I'm just being silly, but I really can't deal with the exhaustion! I can work about 5 hours and then I have to stop or I get so tired from anxiety I get physically ill... Also, my Dad is the same. He thinks I'm just not 'trying hard enough' if there's something I find difficult. There's no way he's going to change, and I'm guessing it'll be the same for your Dad. I'm afraid it's probably going to have to be like your Mom said- just ignore his comments. I know how hard that is, but it's the only way you're going to find some peace of mind. Just try to be sure of yourself- if there's something you can't do or find difficult you shouldn't have to push yourself too far just to please someone else, do what's right for you. atLantis

Hi, This might be completely irrelevant, but perhaps its worth looking into- I also have Aspergers, and used to have a lot of trouble feeling nauseous all the time. It got so bad that going anywhere for an extended period of time became impossible, and I had to quit my part-time job because I couldn't physically do it. But it was my experience at work that made me realise what the problem was. It was always worst after my break, which got me thinking that it might be something i was eating. I'd feel nauseous and hot and faint and dizzy- really horrible. I decided to start experimenting with my diet, going back to basics and building on it from there, seeing which foods triggered the response. In the end I cut refined sugar, fatty/greasy foods, spicy foods, heavily flour-based foods, caffeine and alcohol out of my diet. That was last year, and I haven't felt ill since! Turned out I'm just really sensitive to certain foods. I also know a few others with AS have the same problem... Like I said, this might be irrelevant, but hope it helps atLantis

I'm not really sure about how to improve relations with your neighbour, but to put your mind at rest the council will not respond to complaints of noise before 11pm (in my experience with my local council, at least). Even if they did, it wouldn't get very far as they have to be able to prove it etc, and I don't think they would bother with such a small case. If your neighbour was actually complaining then that was probably taking it too far- a polite request to keep it down would have been more appropriate. All the best, _atLantis_

Hi Thanks for the replies- you raise some good points I suppose what's making it so problematic is that they usually ARE supportive. It just seems that now it's something they don't understand, they don't want to know. It's frustrating because I've been there for them so much in the past- even though I'm not that great on giving advice, just listening to their problems and doing favors to help makes things go more smoothly for them. Unfortunately there isn't much help available to me in my area at the moment- only groups for parents of young children. But when I go back to uni there should be a better support network (I had my diagnosis in my uni city). It's just that I've got 2 more months 'til I go back, and for the moment I'm stuck here with only my family for company. The dx has really got me down, I feel like I'm at breaking point. _atLantis_

I’m having real trouble getting through to my family following my diagnosis. This is really hard for me, as I feel that right now I need all the support I can get. The hardest part is that they’re simply not interested. If I bring up the subject they seem bored, practically rolling their eyes. My brothers don’t live at home anymore so I don’t see them all the time, but usually they visit every week. One brother visited just after I got the diagnosis, and I told him and he was like ‘well I don’t even know what that is’, so I offered to explain and he just said ‘no, it’s alright’. He hasn’t been round since. I texted my other brother right away when I got the diagnosis, because I thought he’d react more supportively, but he never replied and hasn’t been round at all. When I told my sister her reaction was literally just ‘oh, cool’, then she went back to her room to see her friends. The other day I tried to explain to her that I need someone to talk to, and asked her if she’d just been avoiding me because she didn’t know what to say and she got really mad at me. She shouted at me for accusing her of being a bad sister. My Dad isn’t interested either. My mom tried to explain things to him, and I told him that right now I need to talk about it. He said that’s fine and immediately left the room and hasn’t mentioned it since… that was a week and a half ago. Even if I try to talk about it he changes the subject. I guess my mom has been the best about it, but she still seems to avoid the subject. If I’m upset she assumes it’s because I’m upset about breaking up with my boyfriend. Outwardly, at least. I know she knows what’s wrong really, just doesn’t want to confront it. That is hard too though- if there was anyone I could have talked to about this it would have been my (now-ex)boyfriend. I spoke to him for the last time the other day- the last time because he was bullying me about having Asperger’s, basically saying how ‘retarded’ I am and how glad he is to be rid of me and how I’ll never get anyone else because I’m such a freak. This was because I wouldn’t give him money. The good side of this is that it completely cut dead any feelings I ever had for him. But right now, I just miss having someone to talk to. Is there any way I can get through to my family? Sorry about the long essay… Thanks, _atLantis_

It sounds to me like you want someone to connect with, and are genuinely hoping that women aren't as bad as your experience suggests! I don't think casual flings are really going to help here- in my experience it just alienates you more, and will probably only serve to further damage your opinion of women in general. Personally I have similar issues with other women- I find it difficult to appreciate their outlook when it seems so trivial and superficial to me. But, as proved by the fact that you've found a girl (albeit with boyfriend) who isn't like that, we're not all like that! Perhaps you're just looking in the wrong places... I've found that for me the best way to meet like-minded women is to join groups -eg. uni societies, volounteer groups etc - that are geared up for more 'intellectual' things (I think that's the easiest way to put it...). Good luck! And I hope your experiences with women improve in future _atLantis_