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THE MAN WHO BROKE A PLATE Kevin Nobody was washing up one night ,"when all of a sudden the plate fell out of his hands and landed' "Smack, right on the floor, shattering into many fragments. he managed to use a dustpan, but the fluff in the pan suddenly flew up to his face, causing him to sneeze so hard that it caused a powerful tremor. In fact the force was so powerful that the cupboards burst open and all the crockery flew out landing, smack, on the floor, with the result that they all got broken, shattering into a load of fragments all over the kitchen floor. In fact some of the broken pieces of plates, cups and saucers flew into the dining room. Meanwhile, outside people walking to their flats got thrown to the ground in the corridor due to the powerful tremor caused a by a man sneezing so hard. The carer, Edna Plate went to investigate to see what it was all about. As she walked into the man's flat she saw a load of broken crockery on the floor as well as knives, forks and spoons, but, 'as she tried to piece together what it was all about the man started to sneeze, so hard, that Edna Plate got thrown right across the room. "You, you've gone too far this time. I Know what I'm going to do, I'm going to call the police. I'm afraid I can't take it anymore with you sneezing like that. You blew me across the room. You're a dangerous person, you should be locked away" The police came, bundled the sneeze into the van and drove off to a prison where the man got locked up for 50 years. His crime: "Sneezing dangerously with the force of an earthquake. By the time the man was released from Jail he was returned to his flat, but his carer, Edna Plate, had shrunk to only two inches tall due to advanced age.

THE FRIDAY LAUNDRY Every Friday between 7am and 8am the carer came into Bernard Tisman's flat to collect the laundry, but discovered that the man too needed laundering because he was so dirty, so she told Bernie to climb into the laundry basket. She then took him and the clothes together along to the laundry. On arrival at the laundry room the washing, plus one human being, was unloaded and put into the washing machine. In an instant the washing machine was turned on and the clothes, together with Bernie, spun round and round until clean. The washing machine was opened up, unloaded and out came a man and a load of washing. The laundry, one man and a load of washing was tumble dried and put into the laundry basket. For Bernie to be cleaned up inside a washing machine was a real experience, for it was the first time that Bernard Tisman got laundered.

MAYHEM AT GOODMAYES LODGE One night Bernard Tismaniac went off his rocker and banged the front door of his flat, then raced out into the corridor, kicking walls and urinating on every flat door. One of the support workers, who was 12 foot tall caught him and shouted: "If you don't shut up mad boy I'll get the police to take you away to Goodmayes Hospital." The man became violent and shouted f---off at the carer on duty. She responded by grabbing hold of him and chucking him up to the ceiling, where he ended up hanging onto a smoke alarm. The man was so heavy that the smoke alarm could not support him and he ended up ripping it off the ceiling. He than went off his rocker and tried to eat the smoke alarm. The carer Miss Stake shouted at him: "Will you please take that thing out of your mouth Bernie Tismadman, Tismaniac. "Oh, shut up you big monster, shouted the mad resident, why don't you get thrown to the lions. "Get back into the room Bernie Tismadman,troublemaker. The man reacted violently, grabbed hold of the carer and knocked her flying. She flew along the corridor and went, "Smack!, Right into the wall. In fact, such was the force that she made a hole in the wall. The woman in charge came out, flew in a mad rage towards the madman Bernie and chucked him down the stairs. This made him madder than ever and rushed right out into the car park, banged the bins and jumped up on top of one of the cars and stamped on it, so violent that he made a hole in the roof. He then ran out into the street and ripped lamp posts out of the pavement, throwing them across the road. He even dug the road up with his head and sucked a mains pipe beneath, sending out electric shocks which were so fierce that he got thrown up into the air and landed up on top of Parkside theatre. Still in his fit of madness Bernard Tismaniac burst into Parkside and threw chairs out of the windows. He then rushed across the road and went back into Goodmayes Lodge, when the carer shouted at him: "Get out of this block Mad Boy I don't want you, you're just a big monster who should be locked up." Bernie had to spend the night locked out in the car park after the fracas with the carer Miss Stake in Goodmayes Lodge. Come Friday the next morning Miss Stake left to go home and when she saw Bernard Tisman she told him to hop it or get locked up in Goodmayes. Then along came Daffy Dill, one of the other support workers and had to phone Bernard Tisman's cousin Alan Tortoise to get Bernie sectioned after the mad rampage the previous night and the violent confrontation with the sleep in carer Miss Stake. When Daffy Dill came up to Bernard Tismaniac's flat she saw it in a right mess , with dinner plates smashed all over the place and excrement smeared all over the walls. And it it arf pong. The flat was a right pig sty. There were also doors that had been wrenched right off their hinges because Bernie Tismaniac had banged them so violently. But that's not the end of the story because Bernard Tismaniac is about to take revenge. He rush's toward's Goodmayes Lodge and kick's it up into the sky, knocking it flying. The block of flats then flies along Longbridge Road whilst it's up in the sky and: "Whoosh! "It crash's straight into Lidl completely flattening it. Everybody who was in their flats at the time the block was knocked flying when a madman kicked it up into the sky are thrown about in their homes because of the extreme force. Even the carers are thrown all over the place. Now that Goodmayes Lodge has crashed into Lidl everything has been flattened. People who were shopping at the time got thrown to the floor when Goodmayes Lodge came crashing down into Lidl after it was knocked flying by Bernard Tismaniac when he kicked it up into the sky in a mad temper. In fact there is so much damage that everything is rendered unsuitable to buy. The sight of a block of flats crashing right down into the Lidl store after flying through the air took everybody by surprise. In the end a crane is used to pull Goodmayes Lodge out of the wreckage of Lidl, then hoist's it up into the air, and into a helicopter. The helicopter is then used to carry the block of flats along Longbridge Road, before returning it to the site from where it was wrenched out of the ground when a madman kicked it up into the sky. However, the support home can't be re - inserted into the foundations from which it was ripped out from after a madman kicked it up into the sky, so the plan is to rehouse every tenant until a new Goodmayes Lodge is built on the site. Meanwhile Bernard Tismaniac is caught by police and bundled into a car. They take him to Goodmayes Hospital and section him for 200 years.

LATEST NEWS ON BERNARD TISMAN WHO GOT EXPELLED FROM HIS CLUB‏ Just recently Bernard Tisman got expelled from The Michael Den day Centre for chucking his dinner on the floor and urinating on a dinner plate. He got kicked out and became violent. He wanted revenge, so he got hold of a car and chucked it through the window,crashing right into the dining room tables. Luckily no one was sitting at the tables otherwise they would have been killed. One of the builders building the new Dennis Centre reacted violently by chucking a tree at Bernard Tisman. It missed him by an inch. Bernie then darted like a shot down Blenheim Avenue and went absolutely berserk. He lashed out and kicked one of the cars up into the sky - with such great force that the car crashed into one of the houses and whizzed right through, landing up in a neighbour's garden. The neighbour, Bill Toilet ran out into the street and shouted at Bernard Tisman: "Go on, Oppit, you mad scummy vandal, you wrecked my house." Bernard Tisman rushed out into the main road and yanked a tree out of the pavement. A bus came along and he chucked the tree at the bus. Such was the force of the impact that the bus toppled over. One policeman, PC Cowpie, grabbed hold of Bernard Tisman and knocked him flying, with such force that he flew across Cranbrook road and through Valentines Park, coming out of the other end by The Drive. He became even madder, and as he boarded a bus he threw the driver out and took over the wheel. He started acting strange and drove the bus on the pavement. he then got out of the bus and turned it upside down. Everybody inside fell on top of one another and wanted revenge, so they all got out of the bus and grabbed hold ofBernard Tisman and chucked him into a bin. Bernie climbed out and shot right down Coventry Road, ripping pavements up. He even ate one of the pavements. He then continued on his mad rampage and shot through street after street, punching loads of houses and having a fight with two other Bernard Tismans. He then dashed out into Ley Street and dashed straight across the road, through Grigg's Approach and into Winston Way, walking right in the middle of the road, dodging vehicle after vehicle. By the time Bernard Tisman got into Green Lane Bernie Tisman had already caused millions of pounds worth of damage. However the trail of destruction which resulted from a violent reaction to being expelled from his club didn't stop, he just continued going off his rocker, kicking loads of cars and shouting f--- off at loads of people, and telling passers - by to drop dead. No one could control the man who got banned for good from his day centre. Then, "All of a sudden The mayhem died down and Bernard Tisman became normal again. He walked home to Goodmayes Lodge and went up to Flat 11 as quiet as a mouse. Since the violent outburst Bernard Tisman has remained at home. The Michael Den Centre is now officially out of bounds to Bernie Tisman.

THE OSTOMY BAG THAT FELL OFF One day as Bernard Tisman was returning home, as soon as he got off the dial a ride, he was met with a terrible accident. The stoma bag that he was wearing fell off and slid down his trousers, after breaking away from the base plate (flange) on his body. The bag had been clipped on and locked but, without warning, detached itself from the base plate, broke free and slid down his trousers. And, what a terrible mess it made, "Excrement all over the place and the stoma bag dropped down on the ground. Not only that. The accident with the stoma bag also stained his trousers, his pants and his T shirt. The carer came out and saw Bernard Tisman put a soiled stoma bag into the yellow bin loose. She told him to put it into the yellow bag instead, because the bin could get contaminated and spread germs. The derailment of the stoma bag from his body meant that Bernie had to return to his flat with nothing to cover his stoma with and protect him against the inevitable. And what would have happened. Bernard Tisman would have ended up soiling his clothes, even having stools running right down his trousers and out onto the carpeting inside Goodmayes Lodge. Luckily no bowel movement took place otherwise Bernard Tisman would have created a terrible mess inside Goodmayes Lodge. The worse scenario would have been stoma contents littering the carpeting and floors inside the support home and the whole block , making it really unpleasant for other residents to walk pass for they would have stepped over the stools (body waste). They could have even ended up having stools shoot right up onto their clothes, and who would have been to blame. The answer: "Bernard Tisman. There's nothing worse than returning to your own flat with no bag to cover your stoma with making you really vulnerable to accidental bowel movements and stools running down your legs and onto the floor. And there's nothing worse than having the whole block littered with stoma contents, the sort of thing that can happen if you come inside the building with no stoma bag to protect you from having terrible accidents, ending up with mess on the floor. Bernard Tisman was in a terrible state and had to change his clothes, putting the soiled garments into the laundry basket. Straight away Bernie put on a fresh bag and no more accidents took place

BERNARD TISBOY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY‏ One day it was decided that Bernard Tisboy should have a birthday party as his birthday was only a few days away. On the day of Bernie Tisboy's birthday he was invited to his cousin Alan Chine, who lived in Dog Poo Road, Fried Barnet, in the London Borough of Bernie. The block of flats where the invitation was to be held, was none other than Tyger's Court. On arrival at the flats in Dog Poo Road, Bernard Tisboy received quite a number of Birthday presents. He opened up one of the presents and found a box loaded with horse manure. He then opened up the second birthday present and found a couple of dead rats. These were Bernie's birthday presents. The two dead rats were a surprise birthday gift. Then came more presents. Bernie opened up another present and found a human head inside a box - a head without a body, and another present - this time, a bottle full of urine. And birthday cards. Among them, a birthday card stained in sauce, and a birthday card loaded with bees. Then the song ' Happy Birthday to your head and your body.' The birthday cake was laid out, but with caution, because it had a bomb inside it. Any false move and the bomb in the birthday cake could go off with the result that the cake could blow up causing the whole block of flats to collapse. Before the cake was served out the bomb had to be defused so Alan Chine phoned 999 and a couple of soldiers came round and defused the bomb in the birthday cake, Now all was safe to eat. For the special lunch that was served to mark the man's birthday there was potato shmutters and salt beef, served with walker beans, Bristle Sprouts and so on. For afters there was roast ice cream and black peaches.

BERNARD TISBOY'S BIRTHDAY PARTY‏ One day it was decided that Bernard Tisboy should have a birthday party as his birthday was only a few days away. On the day of Bernie Tisboy's birthday he was invited to his cousin Alan Chine, who lived in Dog Poo Road, Fried Barnet, in the London Borough of Bernie. The block of flats where the invitation was to be held, was none other than Tyger's Court. On arrival at the flats in Dog Poo Road, Bernard Tisboy received quite a number of Birthday presents. He opened up one of the presents and found a box loaded with horse manure. He then opened up the second birthday present and found a couple of dead rats. These were Bernie's birthday presents. The two dead rats were a surprise birthday gift. Then came more presents. Bernie opened up another present and found a human head inside a box - a head without a body, and another present - this time, a bottle full of urine. And birthday cards. Among them, a birthday card stained in sauce, and a birthday card loaded with bees. Then the song ' Happy Birthday to your head and your body.' The birthday cake was laid out, but with caution, because it had a bomb inside it. Any false move and the bomb in the birthday cake could go off with the result that the cake could blow up causing the whole block of flats to collapse. Before the cake was served out the bomb had to be defused so Alan Chine phoned 999 and a couple of soldiers came round and defused the bomb in the birthday cake, Now all was safe to eat. For the special lunch that was served to mark the man's birthday there was potato shmutters and salt beef, served with walker beans, Bristle Sprouts and so on. For afters there was roast ice cream and black peaches.

YOB THE BUILDER One day a builder called a man terrible names when he went berserk. He was called Yob The Builder because he started on people for nothing, or even creating a scene, like Bernard Tisman, when he kicked the street and even started to urinate five feet up into the air. Yob The Builder had cropped hair and was one of the builders constructing the new Dennis Centre. He had a friend called John Ruffian, one of the other builders, who was also a nasty character. He went too far when he urinated on Bernard Tisman's rucksack as he walked by. John Ruffian, one of the builders and a mate of Yob the builder, even called Bernard Tisman a 'mental case' all because he shouted, screamed and bawled. The Mitkadem day centre members were outraged at John Ruffian's remarks,calling Bernard Tisman a 'mental case, and for a builder to say that is even disgusting. One of the staff said' "I'm going to report those two builders, Yob Scummy and John Ruffian, for making nasty remarks about Bernard Tisman. "I can't understand how builders could behave like that. The reason they are there is because the new Dennis Centre has to be built. Their job is to make sure that the new centre is built, this is because the other building at the bottom of the street is being acquired by the Ilford Synogogue. The new Dennis Centre that is being built is in Clarance Avenue, Gants Hill, next door to Mitkadem Day Centre. The builder in charge is Peter Duckhead, who's the boss, and it's no good telling the boss because all the builders stick together. He said to the two builders, Yob Scummy and John Ruffian: "Take no notice of Bernard Tisman, he just want's to cause trouble for us builders, because our main job is to get the new Dennis Centre built as quick as possible. Another thing, we'll have to make sure that the new day centre doesn't get overrun by a load of Bernard Tismans because that name spell's trouble.

THE MAN WHO USED A HUMAN HEAD AS A HAT Once upon a time a man bought himself a hat, but it was no ordinary hat, for it turned out to be a human head - one head mounted on top of another. What actually happened was that the head had been stolen from a man whilst he was fast asleep so it could double up as a hat. It only came to light when the man's wife came up to the man's bedroom and found him with his head missing. The wife got the shock of her life when she found her husband completely headless. she told the police and the police said 'that a gang of head snatchers were on the loose, going around stealing other peoples' heads and selling them to hat shops so people could wear them on their heads as hats. The gang not only pinched other peoples' heads they also stole legs so they could end up as chair legs, 'that is chairs with human legs attached to them. although the man was headless he was still able to move.

BARBERSHOP NEWS One day a man whose hair was five feet too long went to the nearest barber. “This barber used unusual methods like using blow lamps to burn off excess hair and taking off the customer’s head so to make the job easier. ‘The hair cut was done by removing the man’s head so the barber could get on with his job. This ingenious method removed the need for the barber to tell the man to keep still whilst he carried on with his job. ‘Once the haircut was done the head was re – attached to the man’s body. ‘Throughout the period when the haircut was being carried out the man had to be content with remaining headless so the barber could cut the hair from the head whilst it was without its ‘owner.

ABANDONED RESTAURANT MEALS At a number of disused restaurants there are meals that have been left standing on the tables. People were about to eat their dinners when they were told to leave because the restaurants was closing down. The meals were left standing on the tables so that the restaurants could look exactly like they did on the day they closed down.

ABANDONED LONDON UNDERGROUND STATION PASSENGERS If you go through London's Underground you'll see rows of people waiting to board a train, but aren't able to because they're dead. These are the skeletons of people left abandoned when the station closed down whilst they were waiting to get on the train. As a result they couldn't get out of the station and kept waiting and waiting until they died. These abandoned railway passengers are to be seen as you go through the tunnel. One such station is Whitechapel Itch. It's on the Stepney Line. This station closed down when a great big monster ate its way through it, making it unsafe. Not only that, the walls started bleeding.

A TRIP TO THE DENTIST One day a man went to the dentist to have a filling, but,' just as the dentist was about to give the injection the man's head fell off, making it ever more difficult for the dentist to carry out his job. To solve the problem the dentist decided to give the filling inside the mouth of the fallen off head whilst it was detached from the patient's body. This proved an advantage for the man could feel no pain in his mouth as he had no head. When the job was done the dentist re - attached the man's head, but,' just as he was about to the head flew up the dentist's chest and bit him on the head. he tried to pull the head off but it just kept on biting and pulling at him so he got out a cigarette lighter and that got the head off because a human head, even if it has fallen off the man's body could still not tolerate pain and fire. The head immediately died so the man just had to grow a new head.