loubeeloulou

I hope you manage to recharge the batteries and carry on with the day to day issues with more strength . We tried two different medications for my son before we got to sertaline, and this has been the best. It's not making him tired nor drowsy and it doesn't fog him either. It obviously doesn't take away our issues but it takes the edge off. He began it and raised through tr levels quickly, he was in 50 mg for a week then 100 then 150 and we have stayed on that although some days feel should be higher. Hopefully it will work well for your child. I wish you luck through the funding process as in sure respite will definitely help you all particularly your son as he will have access to day and night support from staff. And it's continuity with his school peers. I hope it soon gets sorted as he clearly needs some assistance and soon, hopefully the Meds will take the edge off ... I found sertaline worked quickly into his system. I know when things are Bad nothig anyone can say makes a difference but in sure we all know how you feel and aebd beat wishes to you

Yeah I think you're right, the teenager bit is coming into play, it's just vile , I don't think he does hate me I just hate this way he has now. I do if I'm honest find it hard to be super harsh like I would've done with my other kids due to his clinical depression, it's a tough balance I guess. I have pressed Into him that it's not ok and it's hurtful but him and emotions just don't mix

Due to our lack of direct communication, son has had a phone since Christmas, this way he can text me instead if holding it in. Recently, when things anger him or he doesn't get his own way or he is fed up, he seems to pick a fight with me. Up to now, I've been the only person who he really knows tries their hardest for him every day, but something's gone askew.... He has a friend who Plays on the game who comes now and then to play on it here, I said no as I had work, to this I got a huge tirade of how I was so up myself how he despised who I was how my charoty work I do is hated and is vile and it just went on and on and on. It reduced me to tears twice now and it's awful. I don't know why it's happening, we had a family meal yesterday at home and I knew he felt uncomfortable but he sat at table, but was head down and quiet, there was 11 of us, just us and grandparents and grandson, no one strange, and he threw abuse about that before saying it was ridiculous and not real life and fake etc etx. I try to calm him, tonight I told him I wasn't tolerating that and id take the phone off him. But I don't understand why he seems to be channeling his anger at me. It's very sudden. I do go away for charity work two or three times a year, for maybe 5/10 days a time, but I always have done, so it's not new. He has attacked (verbally) all of his siblings and us his parents, in my head I know he's raging and it is almost like a Tourette's type torrent of abuse it's hurled without thought its just horrible though and I don't think I'm asking anything other than has anyone experienced this and how do I process it so u stop feeling like my son truly hates me.

QUOTE: LancsLad When it comes to hygeine including brushing teeth. The sensations and smells associated with such activities are really discomforting for me, so I am not in line with 'social norms'. I will shower after exercise and will cleam my teeth from time to time but understand there are many cultures around the world who do not follow our cultural norms in many areas without any real issues. I think for some Aspie's this will always be a compromise area in their lives. When I rarelly go out I will make an effort to fit into cultural norms when in my own home my agenda is one of health and looking after my body, brushing my hair for example does not make me healthier, cleaning under my armpits might stave off a bacterial infection I think there is a big difference. Maybe I should stop worrying so much about this hygiene thing, he has told me mithering him makes him worse, maybe I'm too hung up on it....I do tend to over worry. (Most of my family have ASD traits, my Dad, me, my eldest son, my daughter) If that is the position you want to take and I can not make you, then here are my thoughts based on my limited understanding of your situation. Going backwards, or going no where? This wholly depends on what your target end point is to be honest. I think you need to sit back and say what do you think your expectations are for your son at say 16, 20, 25 and 40 years of age? You then need to sit down and say what is the reality of his condition and how it affects him on a daily basis? To be honest you may not have a clue about this untill you sit down over an extended period of time and talk things through in a calm, rational and non judgemental way. At this point you will be able to compare your expectations in respect to your sons potential to function on a daily basis. If the expectations are wrong whoose fault is that, your sons, norms in society, parental beliefs, brothers ability? Thats not for me to say, but if there is an imbalance in one direction then there is only one possible outcome and that is a feeling of going backwards or nowhere. Initially, my expectations were huge. I was hugely tied up in his lack of potential in missing school, he is so bright, so intelligent, so I spent way too long stressing about that. Now he has not school, I stress about that, I do over stress, I do over worry, so I know I possibly make him more stressed. I have worked on that over the time we;ve known about his asd, two years now, and I am much calmer and usually don;t stress at all, which is why yesterday was so bad, he knows nothing rattles me with him. I try to encourage him in everything, what he can do, when he says there's no hope, I try to raly him out of it, I offer him anything he wants to do, or attempt, small steps etc, sometimes this bouys him, sometimes it doesn't, I believe his talk of harming himself is non-specific, I never dismiss it, although I feel it;s him saying Mummmmm, please help me I feel like I'm sinking. or such like. It's a cry for help, I know that, but I never discuss that with him, and to be honest, I have to believe it's only a cry for help (when I say only, I don;t mean to belittle the statement) as his Mum, I can't even contmeplate that my boy wouldn't want to be here. I do worry about the future, about the lack of possibilities for him, he knows he can access education at any point in his life, we've already had that conversation, he doesn;t see the point in many things, where as I see the potential for him, I do worry too. In an ideal world, he needs to realise his own potential, but through accepting small steps forward, until he does that, which I guess he might never do... then I don;'t think his self esteem or confidence will increase...but, I'm a Mum, I don;t have any clue really... . I think your son has the potential for this the light at the end of the tunnel being he is prepared to text you about feelings of suicide, which if genuine and I have no reasons to doubt them show a very open attitude and a lot of respect to you as the keystone in his life with whom he believes there might be an answer. In this respect I disagree with posts which said this must be really awfull as a foster career of some very challenging young adults I would have seen this as a massive step in the right direction and one to grab with open arms. I am happy that he tells me, it kills me when he does though, and I hope that our argument hasn't spoiled that. Thank you so much for your input and help.

FIFA, in my opinion, is pretty much the only thing besies us his family, he engages with, he isn't disappearing into a different world, or creating an escape, they have to buy packs of players to create teams, he gets bored sells his teams, buys new ones, he doesn't have nice clothes, his choice, he doesn't have expensive trainers, or money that goes into his hand, which I know through experience with some kids often goes on cigs and booze whislt hanging round street corners winding up society - I know not all kids do this, I;m just using it as a comparison - so this team building, which we can go two weeks without spending one penny, isn't a major trauma, he knows when enough is enough. I usually walk away let him calm down and then we wait. And that works. This time I did wrong. My eldest son made his point in an aggressive way, wound him up, screamed at him he was mental and needed help and then my boy just reacted to that, which after the day we'd had, wasn't unexpected. Yes, he has a point, he does need help, CAMHS have now offered to come and do some sessions with him at home, which we've never tried before, so from next wk that happens. I don't think he'll speak as such but we'll give it a try, he knows the psychologist so who knows. To be honest, I wouldn't go as far as to say he has what he wants when he wants it and gets away with murder, cos he doesn't have anything, he doesn;t go anywhere, literally. He has been on tothe fields with his dad last night playing football. That is the first time he has left the house this week, as he doesn't do anything. So when faced with clinical depression alongside aspergers, absolutely no self esteem or confidence in himself at all, I don;t think I have anything to enforce, so when it does all ago wrong how can I possibly use rules and boudnaries in the usual standard way? I can't remove things from him, ban him from anything, for example if I stopped him having a tv or game, what would he do...? We don't have constant aggression luckily, the difference with the other day was I lost my temper with him, we fired each other,. If I had walked away from him left him it wouldn't have been anywhere enar as bad, I know that now, but hindsight is a marvellous thing! I realise that anti depressants have a short life span now with asd, after three months or so we have low feelings and mood swings again, but we tried no anti depressants over christmas and it was absolute hell on earth and we were literally all on watch, hiding everything sharp etc, we still have the opportunity to icnrease what he's on currently a little. Social services refusing him any outreach, even though I doubt he'd ever leave the house with someone, he would let them come here even if he chose to do nothing other than shrug his shoulders. He would know someone cares. I guess in essence, I'm simply, again, feeling quite alone to find answers and solutions and ways to deal with things. This has been the theme since the beginning, I guess many people are in the same boat. I'm going to try the camhs sessions at home, psychologist is going to speak with social services again and I'm going to apply for a befriender through NAS for him (now I know about it), all of which I think if they;d been started during feb-april instead of being refused,whilst he was feeling extremely outwardly positive, he may, just may have made some inroads to developing his confidence and might even have started going outside. There agin, if school had done things properly, education welfare had butted out, and every other professional we have met had acted efficiently then maybe we wouldn';t have such bad depression and thibgs wouldn't have escalated.....but I can't dwell on that, I know, things are as they are and I'm very grateful for people's input and suggestions.

Hi Lancs lad... You make a really valid point actually and I'm pleased you have given me your insight into how it feels going through it. I guess it's like anything, when times are bad we are desperate to seek some kind of assurance that things are going to be ok once again. I genuinely don't feel supported by professionals or most of my family, maybe why things broke down yesterday. I agree that people going through it themselves have far more detailed experience than someone who is a parent of....this spectrum is so huge I guess nobody has the same issues as someone else. There's four of us at work stents of asd diagnosed kids and they're all totally different symptoms and issues. I've skim read your reply as I'm at work now but I'll read it properly when home. It's hard, I don't mind admitting it, I struggle to know what to do sometimes. I feel I can't do right for doing wrong and vice versa. Just out of curiosity, my son has a playstation he plays FIFA on it. For Him its about buying nd selling the players so I have to fund this, my orher son thinks I spoil him, I dont think I do neither does my boy, he Doesn't add it up I think he just sees what he needs to get order and complete his team doesn't matter what cost. Sometimes it's 30-50 during a week depends on funds. Sometimes just fiver. I guess it's part of his obsessive behaviour....

We've been 'ok' since new anti depressants kicked in in February. (my other posts here explain in detail about my boy) he is now enrolled with notschool.net and has drifted from interest in it mostly, as expected. He has been on 150mg of sertaline daily since feb and these have been ok, past couple wks have been a bit low, almost like after three months on any Meds he seems to be used to it and it doesn't seem as effective...? Yesterday we had a breakdown, my fault I guess, I told him to shape himself, get up off sofa, brush his teeth and get some work done on pc. But I said it in front of his brother and sister and he got embarrassed/humiliated/angry at me and stormed off swearing banging etc. I told him I wasn't being nasty I was just trying to say come on let's get going its 2pm! He started to kick his door over and over. So I went upstairs. Mistake two. I shouted at him telling him stop. Basically it ended with his punching his tv that hard it fell over and broke, he threw stuff everywhere, threatened to throw me down the stairs, his dad had to restrain him ....until we were both screaming and crying. I know I did wrong. I had a meltdown. He had a meltdown and it went too far but I didn't know what to do. I told him that too. That I couldn't deal with this. Someone else needed to. I rang camhs psychologist was busy, I left an 'urgent' message, no ring back. It is calm now. (his older brother who doesn't understand made things crazy again tho last night by arguing with him about football with him so that added more tears!) My oldest son accused me of doing nothing. That I tip toe round my boy, that I'm scared to upset it and I should just be truthful and make him realise he has a problem!!!! This hasn't helped as eldest is stubborn and thinks he has the answers!!! He thinks he should 'see someone's as clearly the people he sees aren't helping. He's right, they're not. He hasn't even been reviewed since these new Meds were started. I've been refused by social services for outreach as they say he would go to mainstream if he went to school, and refused by mainstream outreach cos he doesn't go to school!!'n basically it's down to me to find help. From where? He has nothing. He has school on pc a bit here and there but he doesn't feel able to go anywhere else so school isn't the issue. He doesn't go out. He doesn't have anything other than us and his pc and his playstation. This has been a long two years. He doesn't take care of himself. I think the last time he brushed his teeth has to be weeks go, he won't bathe he says the more I ask the more he won't. I'm at my break point, and I broke yesterday. I'm calm again and I know I am the only person who deals with it so I'll deal with it but I need some help. For his sake, I've been given (again DIY) the details of befriend scheme by nas which I have to do myself, for a change. He has aspergers ad clinical depression, no other issues at all. Huge lack of self esteem and confidence . Any advice? Besides not to lose My temper, I already know that

I understand your concerns about gp but for both your sakes you need to find an answer and hopefully some support. They can refer u for assessment as can school but school may not see everything so doctor better to give them full story. U might not like idea of it but if u don't then your never gonna accept that there is a problem . I refused to do it, I wouldn't accept suggestions of problems at first, this could have made things much worse than thy might have been, although school refused too. Had everything happened faster we might be in a better position now and had a more settled two years. Hindsight eh...!

And I really appreciate people giving their opinions & offering ideas as it does truly help me think things through so many thanks

Yeah I'm going to ask for sure. I agree it isn't the best being his lifeline, but I guess when things are a bad as thy have been if he hadn't have had that closeness with me then we wouldn't have got through it. It's so hard sometimes being the only person who gets it, and sometimes I struggle to find the answers just I'm te one who can deal with it, I guess being a mum is hard, I've had so many huge joyous moments with my 4, and maybe it's just my turn for some hard bits, we'll get through it, in sure, just hard at the time isn't it. I desperately want him to have friends and go out, I can visualise that happening at some point in the future now. He can't, but the fact I can means I know it's going to happen, one day. I'm gonna try and make him see that one step at a time is ok . Obviously asd issues mean he can't see too many steps ahead but I'm just hoping each step can be taken slowly til we get there I'm not usually this positive but I'm gobna try maintain it as I think it's good for him to see me being so

Missed a bit... He doesn't really leave the house either, only to his dads or when he is up to it, which is very rare recently, so I'm hoping access to stuff where e can go places and attend etc up to staying over anywhere are way ahead in the future. They may be referring to aiming high as outreach, as she did discuss staying out eventually . I'm just hoping he makes use of this service, he often refused to come downstairs for home tutor, but it's trialling everything until I hope something works for him and gets my desperately sad boy feeling alive again.

My clinical psychologist at camhs has been my only constant through all this, she chaired the meeting, it was about her making sure services were at least available for him to access even if he didn't want to. It's always minuted there. Outreach seems to e their in house equivalent here I think, she told me all about the stuff they do, and having access to outings and even a flat that they can go to to play games etc. I'm happy with these two big steps for now and await then working or at least sometimes, and he would never leave me and go anywhere right now. When they asked me if I get any help I said no, and that it was best I deal with it, he relies on me, my psychologist summed it up well; it's hard to see where he ends I begin... We've almost merged into one person... Which is true! And apparently very common. This not school program apparently has to be logged in to every day but it's up to them whEther they do work. The idea/goal is that it gets them interested again and fires them up....we shall see

Had meeting today with clinical psych, education woman & ss. Was quite anxious about it but clinical psych mainly talked which is what I wanted, social services woman actually said I could probably be the one who needed some respite!!!! Although I'm not holding my breath with them yet ...! Basically they are taking it to panel a week on weds and going for outreach worker to come out and build a friendship with him to see if that can't prompt him getting a bit more sociable... Again, not expecting miracles! Not school program will be sorted within next two weeks, they'll give him a computer and program and a mentor to email and work set online. His mood is a bit better for now, which is good, I'm not ambitious enough to think everything is fixed, but I'm less anxious so for now, it's calm and that's a bonus. (he still doesn't want online learning at all so no doubt battle will commence again once it happens!)

Yeah I'm expecting social services to be there a the email copied in an address I didn't recognise. Should be interesting...! I thought we'd reached a breakthrough when he seemed almost interested in attending something somewhere, although today he is adamant he doesn't want to go anywhere' typically! They've finalised his statement based on not school.net which is fine for now, although he doesn't wanna do that either! He doesn't want to do anything which I've told him isn't gonna happen. But the statement woman has said it can be assessed continuously to ensure its right for him. Which is good, I've also told her that if he did ask to attend somewhere then it would have to be asd specific with qualified people etc, she accepted that straight away so I don't seem to have a battle with them to fight which is good I'm just hoping he does choose to attend a placement at some point, for his sake, although I'm not holding my breath at the moment! He seems calmer the past couple days, I used the psych appointment time as I didn't want Togo over everything with him present again, I don't think it's fair to make him listen at times, this worked well, maybe I should do it more often as he never contributes anything ever anyway! He has been given new medication to try, fingers crossed, third time lucky etc!! I want him stable and a bit less anxious and maybe even a bit happy. I can only hope anyway

Just a quick update; education dept have gone with exactly what I requested and offered not school as his provision, which I thought was great. His response was 'try just give me anything to get rid and that doesn't help'! I've got an mdt meeting next week where, based on the usual one way conversation ( from me) I'm gonna ask for a placement for him, part time, possibly one afternoon a week, as he seems to want (or has shrugged his shoulders anyway!) to want to socialise a little. I think this is more cos he is desperately depressed on no medication, we've had a horrid 3 weeks, and it's not getting better. He was scratching himself with a smashed cd the other day, just cos he got beat on FIFA. We've had horrid bouts this week, going to see psychiatrist and psychologist tomoro, to beg for medication just to take this nasty edge off. It's what he wants. Not one day has been ok for him lately an it's crucifying seeing it. I've never seen him cry so much. He has smashed things, his things, he is angry and feeling lousy. My poor boy is desperate to be 'normal' yet just stepping foot outside is massive. I don't think he will attend anywhere as I think his anxiety will stop him but I'm hopin he is that desperate to get out and do something that he overcomes it. Fingers crossed! Not that it helps If all else fails, I think I'll need medication!