I’ve tried writing this intro several times. It always turns into War and Peace, so hopefully I can condense this.
I’m a 32 year old man. I suspect I might have Aspergers, or something related.
I have very few friends, always have. Not more than 3 or 4 at a time. I have genuine obsessions, mostly film and TV. I was completely useless at school, yet I went to University to do Media and got a 2.1 in a breeze. I find communicating very difficult with people, especially new people. I hate to travel. The idea of going somewhere new or meeting new people makes me feel uneasy, upset and usually angry (if I’m being made to). I have massive anxiety problems which CBT has done some help with.
I find emotion difficult. I broke up with a girl of seven years because I changed the paradigm of our relationship by being unfaithful, and no matter what I tried to rectify it within myself (I never told her) I felt like I had broken something that was irreparable. I buried my Mother two years ago, as the coffin went into the ground I didn’t cry . The only time I cried was when I saw my younger brother cry. To be honest I feel like I just mirror peoples emotions sometimes to fit in.
That’s the crux of why I’m here. I understand that when someone smiles they are happy and when they cry they are sad. I read that Aspies can’t tell this about someone. Yet people say that I say the most insensitive things and I just don’t see it. People have said that I ‘overstep the grounds of familiarity’. People say I’m distant. I make certain people uneasy just by being me, by being still.
I see patterns and routines in EVERYTHING in life. If I don’t listen to my Ipod or music on my computer every day I feel like I’m going to have a meltdown. I make meal plans for every night of the week; if one ingredient is missing from the home or in the shop then I just shut down. It takes time to send the signal back and fall on a new routine etc. But if I have it my head to eat parsnip for dinner, I’ll walk to every shop in a 3-4 mile radius until I meltdown and rethink things.
Cannabis and Alcohol helped me socially from the age of 17 through my twenties, but I don’t smoke weed anymore and I hardly drink. But making friends (and work contacts) is like scaling a glass building with my fingertips. Trying to focus on people when I meet them is like a massive rush; all I try to do is turn conversation to something I love (films for instance) or just question them on whatever they do and base my question’s on the little information I know about the subject.
I’m happiest on my own, in my own world, and I feel being Mr. Normal, is exhausting.
I could go on…but I would gladly listen to what any of you good people think.
