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Sorry been trying to edit this post, as I noticed I had mentioned something relating to harm that shouldn't have been there. Hadn't used the site for so long, hadn't come to mind. If the post needs to be deleted please do so, as I cannot find a way of deleting it myself. Apologies

I am in need of some advice, I really feel like I am losing things slowly and I am going to explode. A little back history, I have been under some form of mental health services for the past 10 years, first diagnosis was OCD, then Borderline Personality Disorder, which I had very intense therapy for. About just over three years ago I sort a second opinion as I didn't agree with what I was diagnosed with. I went through a three appointment assessment, which one of my parents attended. Outcome was a diagnosis of Aspergers and ADHD, with mood cycling diagnosis. They felt my self-harm was due to a realisation that I was not achieving all that I had been expected, purely existing. This was done private and I was never able to take it further because there was no room for discussing it further with my then mental health team. From 2010 I was employed part-time in a local supermarket, it was very stressful and anxiety provoking, but the routine of my job got me through. Late last year I went full time and moved up to a supervisor. Soon everything fell apart. I like to do things the right way, no rule breaking. Which didn't go down too well, but let me say, this wasn't just small rule breaking, some of it was just pure un-professional. My department manager refused to back me up, saying "if you want routine, then this isn't the job for you". There was no structure in this role and I asked if he could give me set tasks each shift, so I wasn't stood doing nothing. I was given the role of observations on staff, so when I failed someone I was in the wrong. There was bullying on top of it. It got to the point earlier this year after 4 months full time in this position I was severely self-harming, spending time in A&E to the early hours before 2 hours of sleep before another day at work. In the end I handed my notice in. I know that the main issue at work was my need for routine/structure, also I don't think like others, so it became an issue when I couldn't understand their way of thinking. I have no way of communicating anything verbally and the situation got out of hand. If someone told me they would do something say at x,y and z, I would expect it done and couldn't understand why they would say it then not do it. Anyway after leaving, I literally had maybe two people contact me, it was kept so quiet at work, that some people thought I was on holiday two months after I left. A few more people stayed in contact, but again it would be me contacting them. I would get told "don't be a stranger". One person I got on well with, I asked if they could pick my p45 up as I needed it asap to send off to benefits. They were well aware that I had no income and financially things weren't good. So I text them and asked if they picked up, they said they hadn't, but would the next day, didn't hear anything, so text again, x who they had to get it from wasn't in until 2 days later, so would do it then. I heard noting, so on purpose I didn't contact this person for over a month. By that point I had got a letter from head office saying my p45 will be sent out. That month past, in the end I had to phone my ex-employer, they still had it, they held onto it for over a month for no reason. So I also contacted the said person above just to clarify they hadn't picked it up and could they respond asap due to the situation, they read the message, but didn't reply. Then later that night this is the text I got "hi, haven't heard from you in a while, did you get your money sorted". I wanted to lose it and say "obviously not as I don't have my p45 that you said you would collect, and by the way I haven't heard from you either". I am awful for not understanding communication between two people, I read things totally wrong, get attached when I think people are being nice, when it is probably politeness more than anything else. My lack of understanding communication has led to me losing it like never before. After the last few months I was referred back for urgent therapy and was put under the CMHT. The CMHT were not helping and when I finally told them about my aspergers diagnosis, they brought someone in to the room and said "they have OCD and has rituals about keeping routine". They ignored everything I said. They then made me an appointment 3 weeks later when I was meant to be in contact weekly due to medication change. Something happened later to this appointment, which led me writing a letter to be discharged. They have tried phoning and left a voicemail, but I cannot listen to it. There is lots more, but I don't understand how people can go three months without responding to a message. I had a letter from GP last week to call the surgery, but I can't, I don't want to see them anymore. There are issues with family where no one bothers about each other. No effort is made and no one ever contacts me to see how I am. I have serious issues with my mum and we went three months recently with no contact. I went to see her after getting a call from my uncle asking me to see her as he was worried and she isn't getting younger. To kind of get to the end of the story, I have a facebook account but in all the years have never made a status, but yesterday after everything spilt over, I made a nasty status saying I was going to experiment and act like others do. So if they don't hear from me anything up to three months it is because I have such a busy and fulfilling life that I can't even pop by and say "hi". I have never done anything like this ever, but I feel like I am going to explode. Last week I had an assessment for therapy (for the BPD diagnosis), was pretty much told, I am too unwell for therapy right now, if and when I start group therapy if I self-harm my place will be suspended, that I am not to talk about the past. That I provoke my mum by telling her what I feel let down by (as a child). They have enough notes on me so they don't need to know my history, oh and the group therapy is for me to talk about sexual intimacy as I have never been in a relationship. She wanted to know how I manage sexually having never been with anyone. That it is worrying. My head is so messed up and I am for ever losing people around me. Issue is I can come across so intelligent and adept, but I have learnt to be this way. You know when they say a swan is graceful but under the water their feet are kicking hard, that is me. I really don't know what to do, I am never nasty to anyone, always there to help when needed. But I cannot deal with relating to others and how relationships work. I cannot believe what I did yesterday. I haven't logged on since, because I am scared of what might have been said. No one has ever seen this, I turn everything inwards and any anger I feel towards anyone, I punish myself with. I literally have a housing support worker and one friend in my life at the moment. I am unemployed and pretty much spend everyday by myself. The worst thing is one of my parent's works with a child with autism and they show so much passion and involvement, they comfort the child when they are anxious, where I get no support. My parent does believe that I have aspergers, but then when at my uncle's a few weeks ago, they said "yeah you think you have that aspergers", funny that, you were in the assessment and answered all the questions about me as a child. Now you making me look like an idiot. Sorry for how long this is, I don't know where to turn. No one gets that at my age I cannot understand how people make and keep friends or how disagree in a relationship or to express opinion. I can boil over easily, but generally it is with those who I feel are ignoring my feelings, which I struggle to express, hence the self-harm.

I dont know if this will help, washing hair was a nightmare for me too. It was always sit in a bath and use a cup to pour the water over my head, then we got a hand held shower thing attached to the taps, so then I could lean over the bath and only get my hair wet. Now I have a shower and when I wash my hair I stand with my back to the shower, plus my shower isnt very hot so Im literally in and out. Added bonus, got my hair cut short (not to everyones taste), but I tell it is a breeze compared to before. When it was longer the amount of times I lost it with my mum. She used to straighten my hair a few times a week, it used to hurt like mad, which she couldnt understand, it got to the point I told her I would rather not straighten my hair because it was such an ordeal (also because I felt useless that I couldnt even do my own hair at that age).

Thank you both for the advice, the only thing Ive gone near before is wipes for acne (one of those brand named ones) and that I can manage, but it doesnt last long. Cream is a big no no, I dont even like my hands touching cream. On the times Ive got someone to put cream on my face I do feel more refreshed. Oh and the bubble bath, I cant stand bubble bath, to bubbles touching the skin etc. I also have a problem with the hot water, I literally have just about warm enough water for a quick shower. I do much prefer baths over showers. I just cannot stand anything like creams touching me, I know the thought of my nieces using paint sends shivers down me. Even people writing on the hands with pen makes me feel squirm. I will definately look into getting face wipes like the ones I used before, just to keep my face clean and fresh.

sorry to post again, but there is something that I wanted to ask, I am a bit embarrassed about it and no one knows this at all. I have a problem with washing. I do have a bath or shower, but I can only wash intimate area and underarms, I cannot put shower gel anywhere else and I cannot wash my face. I dont even remember the last time I washed my face. Ive never spoken to anyone about it, however during the assessment my mum did say that I couldnt let water go near my face. I dont know how to get round it. I have bought face cloths, but cant even wet that and wash my face. I dont tend to not look after my clothes eg wash them and take a shower everyday, but just cannot wash myself as such. Does anyone understand that?

Hi Mel, thanks for the reply, I guess a part of me is relieved about the diagnosis, because now I can start to understand myself better and everything is falling into place. My mum also said that it wasnt until she was asked questions in the assessment that she realised that there we things that happened as I was a child that do stick out. I think what has happened is that she has gone away and thought about the different aspects of me as a child. She has been great with her support and I think she is just as relieved as me to be honest. I will think about looking for a support group once things have settled down. I do love exercise, but cant do it by myself, if I go for a run I get bored after 5 mins and stop. Its not that Im not fit, its just my concentration. Im much better in group exercise, which I do once a week. That is a challenge in itself, because I struggle with talking to the others that are there and end up feeling the odd one out. I played team sports as a kid and teenager, but always struggled with the other people and because of that was bullied. Because I always tried hard and did what was asked of us, I was classed as the goody goody or teachers pet etc. If I could play sport everyday and train everyday I would. Its just impossible financially sadly.

sorry for not replying sooner. My friend is happy texting, but gets frustrated because they feel that we can misunderstand each other about whats being said. It has been an issue at times, but we work through it. I was given a diagnosis of aspergers and ADD today, the specialist said there was no doubt in his mind that this was what has been going on. That my OCD and depression of part of the diagnosis. He said he can see how much I want to make friends, interact and be close to people, but I just dont know how to go about it. He said the more questions he asked the more clearer everything was. He has suggested medication for the ADD should I want it, he said that it would help with my concentration and dealing with my emotions. I dont know what to do to be honest. I am struggling big time with concentration, I just get very aggitated, cant sit still, cant watch tv, get distracted very easily. It just builds up and up until I have to find a way of releasing it.

I hope it is no bother me writing a post, am still in the process of having an assessment done. I am just so lonely at the moment, I dont know how I get through a day, well I do I have my routines and follow it to the plan. Its been so hard over christmas/new year, because there have been days where I would normally be doing things and it has made me feel lost. I know this maybe a bit of a private question, so please dont answer if you dont want to, but does anyone have any problems in relationship wise eg girlfriend/boyfriend. Im in my late 20's and have never had a relatioship. Im not saying I dont want one, but Ive given up. Ive seen people (wouldnt class it as a date unless they told me it was), the longest Ive done this for is two weeks, before I back down. I have a major problem with intimacy, I find it horrible, If I could go without kissing someone I would, however Ive been told over and over that this is normal in a relationship and whoever I was with would not put up with no intimacy. It just repulses me. I do find people attractive but never on a sexual level. Im just so confused. Earlier this year I told my parents I would never have kids and probably never be in a relationship. I guess on benefit to living on my own is that I can follow my routines without it effecting anyone else. Ive never known how to make friends and I cannot maintain anything with anyone, I just feel so lonely. Im not the type of person who wants to go to the pub for a drink or to a club or shopping. Infact my one friend, Ive only met them for a tea, we have never done anything else with each other in over 10 years. Ive only spoken to them once or twice on the phone in that same time, We only communicate via text. I just feel so different to everyone else, like Im an alien in this world. I wish I could make some changes, but I need to stick to my routines and follow my plans otherwise I cannot cope. I cannot even watch a full tv programme because my mind wonders, or I start looking at things in my room or get up walk around. I just cannot concentrate. I am just really struggling, its like trying to get through each day and I dont enjoy hardly anything. Its like im existing rather than living. New years eve I was in bed just after 8pm and got woken up by the fireworks at midnight, I heard everyone celebrating. I felt so alone and wanted to just curl up in a ball and cry. Sorry for going on I just thought someone might understand how I am feeling, Noboy else does.

Hi, Im currently going through an assessment for aspergers, have had two very long sessions (I cant believe the questions they ask and how far back they go) and have on more left. The person I saw said to me that I had done the right thing by coming to him and that we were working in the right direction. That those involved in my care (previous psychiatrists) have missed some very obvious things. When being assessed there were questions about learning, school etc and I hadn't realised that I had been struggling for years with this. When I was at school I always got great reports and was predicted high grades in secondary school. Everyone felt I was very bright. Over the years Ive always told my parents, that I actually struggle to learn (eg when you have to bring homework home) I could never do anything on my own. For my exams I didnt revise, because I cant take any of it in. I got good grades, but not what was expected. I went to college and my course involved no exams just coursework. To be honest all you had to do was find information and make sure you reference it (but I even struggled with that). I finished college and never went to uni despite having places on offer. Years later after a lot of struggle and I started a course with something I enjoy very much, but once again Ive struggled. I passed my first exams and practical assessment. The majority of my course is home learning and I cant do it. Also my course involves thinking/designing fitness programmes. Well I cannot work it all out and cant understand it one bit. For example if someone cannot do a certain exercise, what can we do instead. When I do go to the venue to study and the tutor asks us to work on something alone I cannot do it, I just sit there. I dont know where to begin or how to do it. I only have 6 days left at the venue which involves exams (just a week away) and Ive been unable to revise. Ive done so much hardwork to get this far but feel hopeless with the remainder of the course. The specialist I saw found that I also have concentration problems for example I cannot watch tv for too long I get distracted, I cannot even watch the ad breaks, I flick channels to see if something else is on. Even if Im watching something I like I get bored and turn it off. I hardly watch tv, prob max an hour in evening. The rest of my day I dont know what I do. My problem is this course, Im so stressed, I dont want to give up now, but I cannot even revise. The first exams I did, I feel I did well because I memorised words (that came up in questions/answers, its a multiple choice exam). Also the days that Im at the venue are 8-9 hours and Im never around people that long. I just cannot socialise well and dont want to listen to be talking about anything. Any advice on how I could maybe continue with this course, not sure anything will help though, because Im not even revising. Ive had 4 weeks to revise.

Thanks for the replies, I have booked in to have an assessment over three sessions, Im not sure what to expect. I have also not been able to talk to anyone about this, one because I think no one will actually believe that I have these problems. I was on the phone to mum yesterday, I hadnt been to see my nieces as usual. I explained that I didnt want to be in a mood around them (Im really down at the moment), to which she said "you are doing all this yourself", which just really upsets me, because I do not choose to feel this low. I read a book yesterday for girls with aspergers, oh my it felt like reading all about me. For years now my mum has been embarrassed by how I dress, I do not dress feminine, I wear jeans, trainers and hooded jumpers. As soon as I put something like shoes or skirt on I want to get it off, it annoys me and if I were to go out dressed in skirt, shoes etc I would be preoccupied with wanting to get home and get it off. I love being able to be at home and wearing as little as possible eg shorts/vest. My mum still says to me "Im not going out with you dressed like that". Nobody understands it, my mum wants me to wear make up too, I have no desire to do so. Ive also been told by my mum "no one will want you looking like that". I cannot change the way I like to dress, I wear what I do for comfort, I have a thing for hooded jumpers, because I like wearing the hood up, even when Im in my flat. It just comforts me and makes me feel at ease. There were so many things that I could relate to. Just a quick question has anyone found that they get obsessed (its not really obsessed to a degree) with other people and you almost try to become them. Over the years Ive got attached to different people and then I say that I want the same work as them. This is what has happened with my recent course. I dont know what I am doing. An example of this is I played a sport to international level when I was younger, it was my life, there was a time I trained/played 6 days a week, it was when that stopped I went down hill very fast. However I wasnt trying to play good for myself it was for my coach to prove to her I could do well, to show she was doing a good job. That is was drove me on. My list of things could go on. Growing up I had to have my bedroom layed out in a certain way, I couldnt face a certain way in bed etc etc. I just really am struggling with my moods and keeping myself away from others (not that there are many others, just my mum). I dont like myself at all, I sometimes feel I deserve to suffer. In therapy in the past I had great difficulty expressing my feelings, I would say something, then would be asked how I was feeling and that would be it, my mind would feel blank and over and over I would say "I dont know". Im finding the same problem with my counsellor at the moment. I end up sitting there, either looking away from them or tapping my leg. The worst thing is nobody knows how I am feeling, they all see the cheerful person, the person that goes to work and does a good job. Nobody knows that Im likely to give up on this course. Im getting annoyed with people making comments like "yeah we sometimes dont want to go into work when we get up in the morning", seriously I wish it was just that. My life revolves around structure and routine, isolating people, having no friends. I literally work and at other times sleep, because when I sleep I dont have to think about anything. Sorry for going on, my assessment is this coming week and then another two sessions after that. I just needed someone to talk to that might understand.

Thanks for the replies, ive not taken any steps further in trying to work out what is actually going on. Really dont have it in me to discuss this with my gp or psychiatrist, so other option is to see someone privately where I can refer myself. Things are just awful at the moment, Ive left my course with on a few more weekends left. I spent the whole two days zoned out in the lessons, not being able to understand anything and not taking part. I just cannot stick with anything long enough and I know others will be let down by my decision. I just cannot cope, I will try and work something out I guess or just carry on with life as it is.

Thanks for the response, would it be ok to phone the helpline or email them even if I dont have a diagnosis? Also another question who makes the diagnosis? (eg would professional?) Thanks

Hi there, I am really sorry to be a pain and ask for some advice. I know nobody can diagnose or say what the problem is. In the past someone commented on my behaviour and mentioned apergers. I didn't take it on board and just carried on as I am doing. Well now things have got to a point where I am really struggling. I dont know what to do anymore. A little background information. Years ago after leaving college I went downhill quite quickly. At college there was a lot of structure (it was away from home), breakfast, lunch and dinner were at the same time as was lessons etc. I came home and fell apart. A year later I was diagnosed with OCD, maybe a year later I was diagnosed with social anxiety, then lastly Borderline personality disorder. During those years I have had lots of problems. But one that has been maintained in all that time is structure and routine. I have to eat at the same times each day, most of the time its the same foods on the same days (eg tuna and pasta on a thursay, spaghetti bolegnese on a sunday). I also only got one day a week where I eat my dinner after 4:30-5pm. I dont know what controls that but there is anxiety. I am the same going to bed, there was a time a few years back where I had to be in bed before 9pm and for about an hour before I would swinging my leg with anxiety. This problem is so bad now that if someone asks to meet up I have to try and fit it around my times of eating, if it doesnt fit in I wont meet. I also cant go anywhere Ive not been before, if I do have to travel by bus, train I will have to check the times they are running etc and write them times down. I literally where the same trousers all week apart from my work uniform. I just cant change what I wear, I have made changes, a few years back I wore the same jumper and tracksuit bottoms, but then got into jeans with the help of an OT. I literally have one friend, because I have cut contact with all the others. I dont talk over the phone (have never done it with any friends) I text or email. I get annoyed very easily and think that they are not bothering or they are being rude or ignoring me. I must have cut of so many people. I get annoyed when people turn up late, I get annoyed if they arent there in 5 mins. When I met someone last year, I was fine where we were, then they said "lets go for a walk" the panic inside me, that wasnt planned. I would be happy knowing where we were going and how long we would be there for. My mum says she can tell how my behaviour changes and when I want to go home. That is becomes very obvious. I started a course recently and Im having trouble in the social spaces. Im not interested in any of the others, the conversations are not interesting to me at all. I find I can talk about anything I just go on and on, sometimes I dont know if people are listening or even interested. Sometimes I find myself cutting across someone, this also happens on the phone. At the course Im also struggling if we asked to do some work in lesson, I just cant do it, my head gets all confused and I would rather do it in my own time at home. The course Im doing requires thought into planning sessions for clients and I can work it out. For example I have all the information on how to plan sessions, but I cant work it out in my head, I cant even work out a session for myself. I have also found myself getting really frustrated with noise. Ive been in the same room with my mum, she is on the phone and Ive had to literally put my head on the table and cover my ears because it sounds like she is shouting, same goes I would really get annoyed with people banging things or dropping things. I just cannot cope anymore. Ive worked so hard on my other problems and Ive got so far, eg finding work after over 7 years of nothing, now living on my own. But now I hardly see anymore and if I do I cant cope with it, because the control is taken away. The course I am doing is great and I enjoy it, but now I dont know if it is worth it, because I cant get out of my routines and structure. This course was for me to change careers. But I cannot create sessions for clients etc. I cope ok with my current job, because it is so routine, I work in a shop and I have to say certain things to the customers, so I know if I follow that structure Im fine. As soon as they put me on different departments eg lottery, kiosk my head couldnt cope and I became so stressed. In the end I had to speak to the manager and ask I just stay on my usual department. I struggle with socialising, just the thought of having to have conversations feels like hard work, I cant imagine have anything to say. I took part in a charity event early this year and a group of us went to the pub after for a drink. I didnt have any conversation, I just tried to smile and laugh at the points everyone else was. I dont feel I can relate or have anything in common with anyone. Im not interested in what others say. Another thing which I am quite embarrassed about is, you know when you walk past a homeless person begging for money, I dont feel anything, even when I was in therapy and people said they didnt want to be alive, it did nothing to me, I see a lot of things and it does nothing. Its only my mum that gets me feeling anything. I have a counsellor and I often laugh at things that are not funny, that are probably quite sad, when my nieces were growing up I remember one of them crying at something on tv, she put her arms round me and I was laughing. I got a right ticking off from my mum. Sorry this was really long, but I am feeling so low, my psychiatrist only works on the Borderline personality disorder and when i was in therapy, that was the focus, nothing else was wrong. I just feel so stressed all the time and it feels never ending. Ive never had a relationship with the other sex and doubt I ever will, because I just cant change anything. No one would take me for who I am. The only people I can connect to emotionally are my nieces. I guess I just want some help and dont know where to get it from, my psychiatrist is a no go with this one. I see my counsellor, but dont think that would work.