Ichigo Kurosaki

darkshine On the outside animé/manga may look like cartoons on the surface but when you find the right one then you can understand why it is entertaining, it is not as childish as people think it is. Animé/manga suits a varying audience, there can be child-like animé/manga but there can also be animé/manga suiting a more teenage audience and sometimes even older. On Facebook, the most age range of people that like the Neo magazine that I read about animé/manga is around 18-24 so I fit neatly into that age range. Besides, looks can be deceiving animé/manga can have some interesting meanings. Naruto and Naruto Shippuden are just two examples, there is comedy, but underneath all that you see that the main character, Naruto, was alone and alienated (I can relate to that from school) and treated like a monster that people wished to avoid because of this ‘fox spirit’ inside of him. So Naruto chose to be a class clown in order to fight back against the glares that they gave him. He wanted to become a ninja in order to prove to the world the type of person he was, to prove that he could become the leader of their village. Throughout the story it tells of the harsh realities of that world and the wars that had occurred in its past and lives that were lost. There are characters that die and have an emotional affect to the other characters that were close to them, so there is a lot more feeling than how it looks on the surface. As they say you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover, and animé/manga is exactly like that. Yes, I could work on the tips that are easier to achieve and work through that. Thank you for the advice, . I just need to try to focus my mind on achieving them next, , some are already being done, the listening to Japanese music being one of them. I will keep a look out on iTunes for any podcasts of interest. Yes, there are some free podcasts I’ve noticed that look interesting, but as I’ve said learning the symbols will be a different story. Podcasts that may help learn the hiragana, katakana, and kanji symbols could be a help, if I find them, . I’ll give some of them more of a closer look and see what I can find, I’m already beginning to download a couple that look interesting, but unfortunately one set of videos has poor sound quality and the video keeps freezing for a couple of seconds, which is very annoying. I’ll keep searching though, I may eventually come across something a bit more interesting, but I am looking for free ones, not paying. Though I can imagine that would be difficult seeing as though most of the free ones tend to be simple travel Japanese, which isn’t really going to help me learn enough. Finding someone Japanese that can speak really good English, now that’s tricky as I have no idea how I can contact anyone like that. As this is the biggest step I’ve taken to talk online, that seems a big jump. Besides, how would I contact them, and where, if you mean that website I mentioned using Skype, I already explained how difficult that would be. Do you mean to try talking to a pen friend from Japan? Yeah, as I like Japanese music and watch most animé in Japanese with English subtitles I try to pick up some words here and there, I cannot pick them all up; it is just the passing word. I say to myself, “Ah, so that’s where they say ‘alright’, ‘sky’, ‘goodbye’, ‘thank you’, ‘hurry up’” and such. Learning Japanese is something I have thought about ever since I became interested in animé/manga, so yeah, in time I may pick it up more easily, but as you said, immersing myself in Japanese things, anime/manga, music, and such are Japanese anyway so that is something I guess. I need to keep my ears and eyes peeled and more importantly, my memory in check, . To lose the ability to do certain things like to go out or interacting, yes, in that case, I think I know what you mean. For me, back at school, in primary I was practically alone, yet just in the last year began talking to someone that didn’t seem hostile, that old primary school friend. She didn’t go to the same secondary school as me, but luckily I managed to find someone else that I became friends with, it didn’t help bullying matters at all, but the fact that I had a friend was important to me. Unfortunately, when all hell broke loose as I ended up having that emotional breakdown, that bond went through some rough turbulence. He came around to my house and brought a birthday present, I was too shocked over what happened at school, and I couldn’t see him. Over time I regretted not seeing him, but what was even worse was that I forgot his contact details. I began to feel scared about contacting him, and only recently after talking to that old primary school friend, saw that secondary school friend on Facebook. After talking to that old primary school friend I had built a little courage to try writing to the other friend. I did only a couple of days ago, but in truth, I am in fear that he would reject my apology. I am frighteningly awaiting either nothing, or a hateful reply. So the idea that you once had that ability and now it is gone, I understand fully. Writing to that friend from primary school has started to grow a small amount of social confidence to come onto here, and send that message to the secondary school friend. Although, I have a funny feeling that that last one may be a mistake as I could very well be kicked in the face instead. The primary school friend was already friends with my mum on Facebook so that was easier, but the secondary school friend, hmm, that is a tricky one, a very tricky one. When it comes down to the volume of writing I write, it is always about the strong emotional feelings I have about the subject, either to put my point of view across, talk about interests and such. It is difficult to control as I hardly even talk to many people online anyway, so I tend to overload with a lot of detail that I feel needs to be explained. Condensing what I write is both difficult for me and my mum; we both end up writing a large amount, it must be genetic, . I suppose I could try splitting this message up into smaller portions. I don’t know if that helps but I’m willing to try if more people would be able to write to me. Yes, I can completely understand that time to type long replies is something people find difficult. If my tutors were back teaching me, then I don’t think I would have even written on here in the first place. If they were still teaching me then the time that would be available to me would be extremely limited. The concept of writing to people on here is so alien to me, but I have improved my writing skills so much by my old home tutor that combined with my feelings, writing is like an explosion inside of me. As talking to people online can tackle some of my depression that may also mean that I am trying to make up for the lack of socialising I didn’t do back at school. I don’t know if that’s true, but I feel like I want to say so much that I could burst, . That may sound strange but I always have strong emotions and now that I am talking online, all those emotions are flowing through the computer. Well, in school, that brick wall was there, but smaller, it was a little easier to talk to people. After that breakdown that wall has shot up to an unbelievable height, it feels even harder now. On top of that the trust has been broken with those that dictate my future with non-ASD trained hands. With that they can do more harm than good, and that 139a document is proof of that. They clearly have little, if any, understanding about what I can cope with. I know that to try to find help out there I would end up having to put myself in the hands of those not trained in ASD, which surely can’t help me. The help my mum and I are searching for needs to be independent separated from the Local Authority that is not afraid to confront the wrongs that are caused by the Local Authority’s harsh and untrained in ASD hands. Those not paid by the very people they would end up facing against. There is an advocacy service over here that say they are independent, but truth be told, my mum had an advocate from them, and they were most certainly not independent. I don’t even think they understand the meaning of the word. What are they independent from, me and my mum? They should be independent from the Local Authority, not the other way around. It is sickening that we have to turn to those that are being paid by the very people causing the problem, that doesn’t make sense to me. When it comes to seeing the country around me, honestly, I think the government have no idea what it is like for the rest of us. They aren’t stuck behind their bedroom doors, or stuck in their houses, how would they know what would truly help us, that doesn’t make sense to me. From where I am sitting I see news on the internet from those with disabilities and the harsh draconian laws coming out of the government and the way it is affecting people like us. It is sickening, we are being dictated by those that live in a different reality to the rest of us, the MPs aren’t struggling the way we are. If my mum wrote to her local MP and they haven’t helped her, then that proves how little they truly care about their constituents. Those laws will affect my life in the future, I know that is true. Whatever draconian methods that are passed through the House of Commons will end up kicking me while I am already down, so finding those puzzle pieces in the future may be a lot harder than it sounds. To make a success of life seems practically impossible if the government’s harsh laws have anything to say about it. The puzzle piece to do with socialising, well, that is something developing, but the volume of writing I write, I worry may push people away. I have a lot of emotion, and that emotion will flow if I am talked to, I don’t mean to drown people with words. I’m not talking to many people so I put all I have into what I write; I think it is part of my personality anyway. If I was able to talk more easily to people I suppose I would give it everything I have. Even if I had no depression, the government is most definitely going to insight more depression any way. There is a lot of wrong that the government are sending out, if I expose myself, then I know I will feel the brunt of it. I see enough online from others that are disabled to know that much. The difficulty is that this depression only increases if I am not able to tackle the difficulties, in my own way. To do that may take time, and finding the right help may be even harder, but I know that I can’t shake this depression by following the Local Authorities untrained and uncaring hands. Social depression can be tackled by talking on here, which is what I’m doing, and from this point, who knows where it may lead, but I think that is something that is progressing, at whatever pace. Talking on here is a big jump in my world but also a small one, -_-, some feel too impossible to achieve, so I am working from the bottom upwards, if that doesn’t work then I’d have to find a different route to the goal. I highly doubt it will be a straight route so I may need to change it many times along the way. I am not sure if I’ll succeed, as you haven’t succeeded yourself, makes me feel like I won’t either, . Yes, the internet is a very valuable thing to me; it provides me with an access point to socialise that doesn’t cause an overwhelming sense of anxiety. That is something that helps. Talking on here is my way of socialising. Finding the right way of talking to people will be tricky if I have trouble condensing my messages, . The major problem is my writing. I like writing about all my thoughts and feelings but I am worried about the volume that others can accept or not. I really don’t mind if they only pick out one or two things I’ve said and write to me about that. I know I write an overwhelming amount, if it is too big then just write back to me about a portion of it. To me, receiving no replies in return feels worse than talking about one section if they find that the volume of writing I write is too much. I really don’t mean to overload people; I just like explaining my difficulties and explaining my interests in detail. I just have a lot of emotion to channel in writing. Best wishes Ichigo

darkshine, to be honest, even though I am writing on here, I feel I still need to make sure what I have written sounds alright, I always need my mum to give me her second opinion, just because I need to be sure whether it’s ok or not, . Yes, I do hope to find some good skills, talking to my tutors, and speech and language therapist (SALT) about various subjects like, politics, how I feel, education, social difficulties, anxiety, depression, and such, had helped me develop some better verbal skills and moral views myself, so it is a progression through each step, hopefully through talking here, it may open up more possibilities for growing skills, or providing some guidance to achieve some new ones. Technically, I did respond to the girl in the shop saying “No, it’s alright, I’m just looking for someone”, but it was the feeling of being singled out in the shop, mum even said that the other shop workers had never said to her “Is there something I can help you with?” like the girl did with me. It was because of this that my mind could not settle, I wondered “What was that all about? Was there something hidden there that I missed?” For mum to not be asked that herself, and for it to happen to me like that, it had really puzzled me. I wasn’t really expecting someone to look dead in my eyes and smile from that distance, it felt alien to me. The thing is I only looked into her eyes for barely a second and she was already smiling before I even looked at her face, what does that mean? As strange as it sounds, no one had ever done that before. I wondered whether I should have tried talking to her more to find out what it meant, without verbally saying it out loud. It is just like when you said that to try to start an interaction about an inquiry to find out her reaction. Later, I looked back on it, it didn’t feel natural that she was so intent on grabbing my attention, I don’t know if I’m reading into it too much, but this is my analytical mind again, . At the time, inside, I felt like I was on an edge and that if I could push a little then I could have said something, I was contemplating it, but something put me off, it was the strangeness of the situation, it was almost as she wanted to be spoken to, but I felt it was too weird, I couldn’t build up the courage. I feel like I could scream inside, I wonder what in the hell that was. It could mean nothing, but my mind, ah, it’s so infuriating thinking about situations like this. It is a constant conflict, wondering if there was a hidden meaning that I should have tried to find out about, or thinking that there surely couldn’t have been a hidden meaning and that I am thinking too hard. What sounds even stranger is that my auntie said she saw a couple of girls looking at me as I was talking to her outside just before we left, which had confused me further. I didn’t know what to think. I didn’t think much of it at the time but as time moved on I analysed the words my auntie and mum spoke, and the way the girl herself reacted to me. I thought was there something hidden that I missed. I consider all thoughts, what people have said and the environment I was in at the time, and if something seemed out of place, I cannot stop but think there was something there I may have missed at the time. When it comes to having to speak to someone catching my attention, inside it feels just like acid takes over, I do freeze, I can’t help it. It is only recently that when something was obvious like someone had just said a second ago that someone behind the counter would take a couple of minutes to get ready, then I could only just say to someone else that asked me where the shop clerk was, then I could say they’ll take another couple of minutes. That may sound like nothing but I had acid in my stomach, for just that interaction never mind about anything else. I feel like learning scripts isn’t enough, it is also trying to overpower the high anxiety levels as well, that isn’t a cup of tea, . Yes, I may create a new thread on the 139a document. I have thought of many metaphorical ways of explaining my difficulties to the tutors, SALT, etc. but nothing made any difference. It felt like my words were just travelling in one ear and out the other, they went to some of the meeting mum went to, but were powerless to the ‘professionals’ that never even came to talk to me from behind my bedroom door. The tutors and SALT knew me far more than those ‘professionals’. You can’t judge what someone can cope with when you haven’t even spoken to them directly, it makes no sense. Yeah, I can imagine I will continue to get that feeling; it isn’t easy to live with by any means. AS, and time play a huge keys in things like this. No, I certainly don’t think my cousin has these difficulties; she is so confident that she can speak up if someone is horrible to her, the only problem being that she gets kicked in the face because of it, so in a sense it’s a double edged sword. She is far better at socialising than I ever was. She even came out and said to me “I don’t think you have autism”. Through everything that has happened and the effects of time and her advancing and me feeling as if I’m detracting, it has caused me to avoid seeing her. I couldn’t see her at Christmas because of it and ever since then. When I talked to her on the telephone, daggers felt as if they were penetrating my heart at every word. To be honest the idea is very much like my speech and language therapist (SALT) suggested. Taking little steps she said, I said to her that I see the big picture always. It is a sound strategy and one I shall think about in greater detail, but it has to be in a way not thwart with emotional breakdowns in its route, some steps I could take but others are too much as you’ve said. It is something I think I’ll need to get my head around, it isn’t easy to follow this path, it is like trying to accept punishment, I think it may be difficult to follow through, . For me, taking steps is definitely a slow and painful process no matter how you shake it, dealing with that may be one of the hardest things I could ever do. This is one objective that I don’t think will be completed in the next five years, it may take half my life, , at least it looks that way. Best wishes Ichigo

darkshine, well, , Japanese animation is very entertaining and as I like it so much, I thought, “Why not learn the language; it would make it so much easier to understand if I did”. Yes, it isn’t an easy language to learn, but I wasn’t really focusing on the difficulty level, more the passion I have in the entertainment that flows out of Japan, . I can’t help my interest, . It is just that through playing the games, watching animé and such, I have grown to want to learn it. Talking to people in Japanese won’t be any different, I didn't want to learn so that communications would be easier, it is because I want to understand Japanese being spoken, not necessarily to have a conversation in Japanese. Thank you for the useful tips, but, some of those tips on the website are a lot harder than others, , but another thing to keep in mind is that I think I need to learn the Japanese symbol alphabet before I learn words. On the first comment of that website someone says that I need to ignore the romanji translated Japanese (such as sora, arigatou etc. Basically words translated into English sounding words) as if you were to see Japan then there wouldn't be romanji translated text, it would all be symbols. This is why I need to learn the symbols, do the hard part before the easier, that is the problem I am having, but it is something that would need to be learnt. Saying that I need supervision in order to learn the hiragana, katakana and kanji to get the strokes correct, , a little easier said than done, since I don’t have someone to look over them, . Finding someone Japanese to talk to, I don’t know how I’d find them, . Going to the country, well, that is a lot harder than it sounds, I haven’t even traveled across to Wales or Scotland as I am too worried about sleeping in hotels due to my sensory processing disorder, , never mind about the food in Japan. I can see the importance of the tips in the list, but at the same time, I don’t think it’s going to be as easy as that to even achieve some of the tips, . Finding light, well, have you pursued the light, or is it the worry of being on edge feeling like it could change any minute? Or do you mean you found light but it seemed too impossible to reach? About the SPD/OCD thread, yeah, I’ll try to use that tip in the future, lol, it is easier said than done since there can be a lot to explain, but I was worried I sent too much. I think what I did as well was pair up some writing I had written before and melded it together to get my difficulties across, now I feel like I sent a tidal wave over, , sorry . Yes, I can see what you’re saying that depression dictates your focus, and yes that happens to me too, . Sorry about that, . I’ll try to condense my threads a little more in the future, . Root causes, yes well, the root causes of my depression would be a mixture of a lot of the things in that list that you stated in your previous message. It is because of things like that that I feel this way, social, education, success of life, all play a huge key in the depression, so then those are the root causes and as I said before writing on this forum and to that friend try to tackle one, another way would be trying to build up for a book, and as for education, that may take a little longer, . As for anxiety, that’s a tricky one, it is hard to control, some people would say the more times you experience something the less anxious it would make you feel, well, I think it may take quite a long time for that to happen, . As for recognising social interaction subtleties, it may be about how many times I notice it, or if not, I’m really not sure. Living with depression makes confidence and self-worth seem impossible. The thing is that when you have depression it feels like the world is against you, I cannot shake that fact; it is part of the depressing cycle. One thing I do know is that the government is against us, but when it comes to basically trying to cope in everyday life, and then it only gets harder when depression is holding you back. Acting positively is exactly like lying to myself like you saying it is difficult to respond to “How are you?”, you know you don’t feel alright, and you don’t want to lie. Depression may exist but so does the systems powerful and merciless arms ready to crush you with their not ASD trained claws. Independence feels even harder on so many levels, and a support worker is like basically like trying to get used to a complete stranger, that is a lot harder than it sounds, and on top of that they will be constantly changing making that even harder still. This is beyond my capabilities, I know what I can deal with so much, and I know when I would break. Yes, it is me building the confidence to write on here, but again I do need to reconfirm what I have written with my mum, just to be safe than sorry. My difficulties don’t just spawn from building the confidence to write, it is also the confidence to accept what I have written as well, . Best wishes Ichigo

Hi robert7111a, I have never heard of hyperacusis, but thank you, I’ll do some research and see what I can find. I don’t know if it is related to stress levels in me as I hadn’t really thought about it. I tend to listen to music I am interested in; it tends to drown out the sounds with pleasant ones. I didn’t realise it could be separate from sensory processing disorder. I forgot to mention, when it comes to people chewing food, or sucking fingers, the sound always intensifies to me and that plays on the hearing and the touch difficulties I have. How would white noise and music therapy help?

Hi darkshine, yes, it would be interesting to see where this all leads, I will try my best to jot my memories and thoughts down as I have already been doing. I think each person on the autistic spectrum has a limit that when breached it can get hellish, if found the right, right not the authorities “right”, help and/or support then that limit could be bypassed averting the major harm, at least I hope so. Metaphorically speaking, if I dip my toe in the water, by writing on here instead of face-to-face contact, then I hope to find a light of hope that I could reach for, that is my hope. Then I could try to reach that light. I could very well be living in a dream world, but if I don’t try then what else could I do that doesn’t break that limit? It may not happen and that is why if I can collect my writings from different locations and thought processes together to form a book, then that is another way of searching. I cannot give up; giving up is emotional and educational suicide. The thing is I think I know my limit before I even have to go through a situation, which is how much I have analysed. What happened with my emotional breakdown really made me see what my limit was, and how much that I could take. I have not often been wrong either, that tidal wave of anxiety I feel is everywhere, I know it is. I’ve felt it countless times already. It does involve people, and that’s the problem, they feel like they are waiting on your response, waiting for you to say something, but I’m frozen, they say “Hi, it’s me”, I need to go, “Hi, blank, how are you?”, instead I go, “uh…uh…uh…mum, it’s blank”. The analysing has been so effective that I could even tell if I get left alone briefly then someone will come up to me, and it’s happened. I must be psychic, lol, only it isn’t funny. I must have an aura around me that some people are attracted to, it is disconcerting. It happened once to me in a shop, just last year, I walked through the shop alone to find my auntie, but a girl peered over at me from an aisle that was a distance away and smiled, I didn’t know why, it felt strange, I walked past but almost instantaneously she said “Is there something I can help you with?”, but I couldn’t say anything, it felt too weird, so I avoided it. This limit cannot be broken, if crossing that boundary at secondary school caused me to retreat behind my bedroom door, I daren’t think what may happen if something happened again, I dread to think it. That is why I wish to avoid it. About the document, exactly, but this is the catch 22, if it is the only way I may receive education with someone behind my bedroom door, but they try to get me to go to college. It is so painful, but at the same time I was able to learn behind my bedroom door, it is so very overloading. I know I cannot cope with whatever draconian methods they would use and that is why I cannot sign it. I am well and truly stuck, where do I turn? Maybe at this age you start to analyse the future, see it crashing down around you and want to find a way of making my own niche in life in my own way. To find my own way of either coping, or finding a medium to make a success of life in a way that isn’t detrimental to that limit. This is what I am struggling with; I am trying to make my own way through life, my own way of trying to succeed. Whether I make it or not is irrelevant, the goal is everything, the road to that goal is one that is unknown, a black void, which you could fall if you weren’t careful. This is what I try to achieve. My own future, a future without my limit being breached, it may be hard but I cannot give up. I can relate to a lot of things in that list, I have the same trouble; they seem too large to condense into manageable chunks. Metaphorically speaking, I see each individual section as a mountain, each one treacherous to climb. Sitting beside people in a car, lol, that is a lot harder than it sounds. I don’t know if I ever will, I have just, only just, managed to cope in that old primary school friend’s car to get home because my cousin has a similar car like feel inside. I have seen my old friend before so it had less of an impact. Here you are talking about a complete stranger, that’s a whole different principle altogether, wow, isn’t it just. I have wanted to drive since my cousin managed to learn and her parents got her a car. I fell into deeper depression as you can imagine, she is only a year younger than me, time again, . I don’t hate the fact that she can drive and has a car, I hate myself for being unable to sit in a car and learn how to drive with an instructor, but I know all too well how impossible that is. I had an advocate that promised she would help me by taking me to a driving pod somewhere in London to learn in that way. It never came about, and she left, leaving me with that thought, but nothing to go on, it was horrible. Taking steps is not as easy as it sounds, going backwards, how would I achieve that? If it was education, I can’t pick courses before I even know if I could walk through the door, what would be the point, I don’t understand. The amount of people sitting around you in college is much more than school isn’t it? If so, then that is like jumping from the frying pan and into the fire, I would never cope with my AS difficulties. It would feel like suicide, I would have another emotional breakdown there and then. I can already feel it, . As I see the big picture, I need guidance in order to work through each step, as I cannot focus on each individual doable section. There needs to be achievable end results as the problem is all my trying could be in vain and that would be pointless, this is the difficulty. If my mind analyses and sees possible failures, then my mind has already made up its mind. This is so hard to cope with, but then again has prevented me from metaphorically drowning like I did after the incident with the emotional breakdown from school. What do you mean exactly by backwards? I don’t think I understand. The big picture has always been difficult to change my view about, it is always difficult, as you said you give up, it is just the same for me. I don’t know if thinking backwards would work for me, it sounds confusing.

darkshine, to be told you should be grateful for the little you received, I can imagine that, how heartless, just goes to show you how cold they really are. Where is the care, I wonder if they even know what the word means? It’s disgraceful. I think it’s difficult to say whether or not I’ve built confidence yet, there’s no measurement, lol. It is a progression that is progressing at a pace but I have never written as much as I am now. Social wise, I am writing a lot more to people than I even felt confident enough to talk to people at school, which must be because written format is so different from face-to-face conversation. Well, to be honest, educational wise, the way I was taught at home is very different to school. As I said before I found it incredibly hard to cope with the work in school, terrible really, but in secondary school with that other friend, I copied him in maths, and it was so hard to concentrate on the work there. I liked maths and ICT (Information and Communication Technology (basically computing)) at school, but I couldn’t really focus on the work. I was better than the computing class but I copied from a friend in secondary with maths. The homework was becoming increasingly harder each time, I couldn’t cope. Now, after learning from behind my bedroom door, strangely enough I don’t regret learning this way, as I think I may have got worse grades in school. The only two things I can regret about learning this way is the fact that I was restricted to what both home tutors could teach me, and that I got split from my secondary school friend. My biggest regret from my past would have to be social interaction, which is the killer when it comes to my mind at the moment. When my mind is reminded of something, my mind just goes straight to all the similar situations in my past. It can be hellish. It is like all the depression inside of me starts to quicken and get worse. I was always a deep thinker in primary and secondary, I used to wander the playground with just my thoughts for company. I tried to make sense of everything but that only made me more depressed. Moving forwards is something and the part about it being excruciating slowly, I don’t think I could get anywhere if I didn’t start somewhere small. What I don’t think those that are neurotypical understand is how small and how much, we on the autistic spectrum, can exactly cope with, there is a limit and that limit is fine and sharp, if it is crossed, we feel like we’re going through hell. That is what I need to avoid, but how could I move, it sounds so hard, ? Writing on here and to that primary school friend, and such, metaphorically feels like I am taking one more little step up a mountain that is out of sight as it is beyond the clouds. The idea of this little push is like I was explaining about there being a fine and sharp line, if it’s crossed we go through hell, and that would be what the professionals would do. I don’t think that the authorities understand the concept of the real line that cannot be crossed as I believe they cross it more times than they care to admit. If they didn’t I wouldn’t have been behind my bedroom door in the first place, and there would have been better help to socialise in school than that “buddy bench” from primary. I could never trust those services if they are not trained in ASD, that would be like ASD suicide, I don’t want to cause myself to have another emotional breakdown by trusting their “neurotypical” ways. They do not help, they break, and I don’t wish to be broken, none of us would. Miracle people, lol, wouldn’t we all want that, but seriously I need to try to reach out there as much as possible, it is so hard trying to cope in this situation, I need to try searching my own way as much as possible, this is my move to search for help. No matter how small it may look on the surface, this is the biggest thing I have done since school. This is my own personal little push, lol. In the disability news thing that I have seen, I have heard not too long ago that a disabled woman got literally spat in the face over her disability and her being different. I feel like this is another discriminatory society, you just need to read the Daily Mail to see that much. There may be good people out there, but there is so much wrong in the most important places that makes life feel so much worse. Looking for the oasis that is real, if you stumble across the lying mirage, instead of coming up with nothingness, to me, it would feel like I have been drained of all oxygen and trying again feels impossible as the damage had already been done. After the incident at school, I have lived in constant fear of having another emotional breakdown, it was not nice, and it was not pretty. I had such an overflowing confidence saying “NO, I can’t go back”. It was awful on so many levels, but to go through mirages to find the right oasis, I need to know, and really know, which is safe before making the journey. I cannot jump into a possible fake one that could change into another emotional breakdown; it was not an experience I want to go through again if I can help it. Local groups to do with photography, now, I have tried going to one in the local arts centre near us. There were only three other people including the tutor, and my mum. I first walked through pass the threshold; it felt like the pressure in the room fluctuated almost instantaneously, it was such a familiar feeling and one that felt like I was falling from a waterfall. There were only three strangers in the room and my world shook. There was a very odd moment where I was able to speak up a bit, my voice was shaking, I was screaming inside, but I spoke, I felt like the odd one out but I tried nevertheless. One person sounded as if he thought the class would be a bit more advanced; I think he was getting at me without saying it outright. Anyway to cut a long story short, every moment felt like hell, but I only just managed to scrape through as there were so few people. I felt like my knowledge wasn’t perfect, and I was in self doubt, but I hoped I didn’t act so hopeless, it was such a confliction in my mind. College and uni, now you’re heading into dangerous emotional torture for me, . Either one sounds so hard, so very hard, nigh on impossible in fact, but learning is something I have always wanted to do, ah, I hate it, . My mind is so, so, so, so, so, powerful when it thinks education and the struggles that would be involved in finding the right way for me to learn. Trying to find coping mechanisms and building resistance, well, they are definitely steps, however, what I don’t know about is how I myself would be able to achieve that, this feels dangerous in its territorial move, I know it is important, but it is so hard to find the right way. Best wishes Ichigo P.S I forgot to mention that because of this 139a document, the government only allows disabled young people to learn with “assistance” until they are aged 25, but if I was to sign the document I would be only learning with them for 4 months and then they would try to get me to college with no help. They can’t understand why I have to learn from behind my bedroom door. The funding for my education has to go through a provider and that’s also causing a problem because it has to go through a college and I can’t cope with a college.

darkshine, when it comes to listening, reading and visual, then this website with games, or drill exercises (a, b and c with 10 levels), for hiragana and katakana, would be my best bet. (http://japanese-less...01.html#writing). I may have got distracted but, it seems the best method in some respects. I just need to find some of my own supreme focus and concentration, , probably easier said than done, but nevertheless, I’ll have to try again. Memory is my biggest problem; I am not too bad a pronunciation, after all I hear my music, and watch animé in Japanese with English subtitles enough times to gather more or less how to pronounce some of the symbols anyway. I have learnt some Japanese already, but it is only passing words, from the animé, such as, thank you = arigatou, yes = hai, sky = sora, etc. It is just that with the symbols, memory plays a huge key. I have remembered some of the Hiragana symbols, but not all. I suppose I should try printing out some flash cards maybe. I have printed practice writing sheets already, but, lol, I can’t drag myself to them, ah, I’m hopeless, no willpower, . I think it could be the daunting aspect of when kanji comes up, wow, I think the basic amount to learn is 2000, and that’s how many I need to remember. It is a daunting prospect, and I think it puts me off, . I do want to learn, but I always see the big picture, I find it very difficult to start at the bottom and make my way up, the kanji side makes the hiragana and katakana seem like they’re at a baby’s level. Well, to have someone to help practice a language may help, especially if they knew the language already, but that may be unlikely, . I have never tried myself so I can’t confirm. I am aware of the depression, but it is difficult to shake away. When you have a cold and you sleep, it only takes days to treat. When you cover your head, it is a jerk reaction that may or may not work. When it comes to depression, being in that low functioning state makes it hard to operate. Dealing with the reason for the depression is like lying in bed to sleep, it is finding the symptoms (reasons for depression) to find the cure (the chances, or possible options that need to be found to tackle the reasons). If you can find the chances, or possible options that tackle those reasons (for example education, social situations and making a success of life), then it may help slowly solve some of the depression in time. I think a problem may be if you’ve lived with depression for a long time and you have found some light, maybe there could be a fear of slipping from the path, back into the darkness again, starting the depressing cycle again. Coming onto this site, and talking to my old primary school friend are tackling the social depression, but somewhere inside, I fear it could go wrong and I’ll end up alone again, and I feel so different contacting people now that I am not used to it. The negative thoughts are always there because of my analytical mind. Reassurance and encouragement does help, but I think it is only the tip of the iceberg. Yes, I have tried my best to cope with the OCD & SPD (Sensory Processing Disorder) fusion as best as I can. It is mighty difficult, and drives my mum mad, . It is hard to cope with for all involved, including myself. I am always on the lookout for more strategies. In the long thread, , ‘SPD/OCD and a weird experience’, I explain in a long set of paragraphs my difficulties. I don’t think I should have done that as it is too overloading, . I don’t think anyone can condense it. I really should have held back on that one. I have come up with various strategies of my own, but even with that it is difficult. It is certainly not easy to live with, by any means. Could my lack of focus and concentration be due to the depression? I have heard about CBT (Cognitive Behavioural Therapy), I have done some research online. It appears it is finding techniques in dealing with some problems, but from what I have seen they are a short number of sessions that I don’t think would really get to the main issues. Thank you, , and yes, it does help when someone reassures me. I think over time though it might wear off, it feels like a perk that lifts you up one minute but the next you feel all the worries start to creep back up again. I feel like it never lasts for long. Sitting alone does cause the depression to fluctuate, it’s true. I did know about forums, but I was both looking for the right one (one from the UK, where adults with ASD were writing just as much as parents) and also trying to build up the courage. Now that I am writing on a forum, it is good, and it could hopefully open up new friendships, ideas, advice, etc. Writing on somewhere like this can really open up the communication possibilities, but I suppose it depends on how strong the person’s anxieties are.

darkshine, I have heard my mum listening to a video by Polly Tommey saying that when it comes to training to be a doctor, you don’t have to go into one lecture about autism, she said this at a conference in the European parliament, so is it any wonder why we have so few doctors that understand about autism over here. When that therapist’s job changed it would be detrimental to someone on the autistic spectrum, after all we cannot stand change. That psychologist obviously had very little, if any, training in autism. Yeah, I can understand, building your strength in order to try to build confidence again. I am now writing to that old primary school friend, and writing on this forum in order to try building my own confidence. About the effect of time, so true, so true, in more ways than one, and it only makes my depression worse. The older I get the worse it would make me feel, I can very much relate to that. There have been social situations in my past that I could have said something to, but I was far too anxious at the time to say anything, and so I missed out. It would have meant very little to the person talking to me, but it would mean a great deal to me, especially now that my social anxiety has become even greater. Depression is an awful thing to experience and I think it can be equally difficult to shake away as well. I think I had depression the moment I hit school. There was a social interaction back at school, I had a choice to respond or just walk away with a passing comment. I believed that that particular social interaction wasn’t real because I was bullied a lot previously. I thought, “This can’t be real, it must be a tease. I can’t make another mistake, so I’ll avoid it”. I did, but ever since then I have wondered if it was genuine or not. I have always wondered where it may have led to; I was teased a lot at school, so sometimes I couldn’t tell the difference between being teased and being told the truth. It depends what you mean by ‘little push’. Yes, people don’t understand when you’re afraid, if the local authorities are not trained in autism then that is even more detrimental if they push you. I really doubt that if they are not trained in ASD, then when they push, it wouldn’t be small, it would be large. That may be because they treat us like any other individual that is neurotypical, they don’t know how to help us as they haven’t been trained. If they were trained in ASD, then they may have a greater chance of understanding the effects such pushing would cause us, but as they haven’t, they won’t. Escaping the trap is all very well, but remember there are so many wrongs out there, so many evil people, that those that are good are so few and far between. I cannot blind myself to reality, facing those evils is a feat in itself; my cousin confronted those that were horrible to her, and metaphorically speaking, got kicked in the face. It is just like the school system, but on a far bigger scale. In the houses of parliament, each side argues and bickers like school children over our future, it’s sickening. There are so many wrongs that the parliament is sending out that us, the disabled and vulnerable, pay the biggest price for. My future is being metaphorically spat on by the government. If I escape from this trap, I’d be trod on in mere seconds, I am not blind to the wrongs of the world. Just because I protect myself the way I have, it doesn’t mean that I haven’t notice how the government wants us, the disabled, to suffer. It is a catch 22, and because of their lack of training in ASD, that becomes even truer. When the tutors were behind my bedroom door teaching me, I was able to come back with quick responses and they were far away enough and not visible, making it far less stressful. Yes, money is a big issue; we can’t afford large sums of money. It makes it even harder. This is why I am stuck. I don’t know where to turn. Even if I could do distance learning, with the OU courses, I have noticed they don’t have all the subjects I’d want to learn. From what I have seen, they may have German but they don’t have Japanese or Chinese as languages to learn, I don’t think they have photography. I suppose they do have computing but, online learning is so difficult, if I get drained talking to that professional web designer to resolve a problem, then how is it going to be any different in an OU course?

Jb1964, yeah, learning Japanese would make watching animé, playing Japanese games, and listening to modern Japanese music so much easier to understand. I would be able to get hold of the games before they get converted to English, or even play the games that may never even get translated at all. Music doesn’t help me when I want to learn Japanese, as I have stated in the ‘Concentrating on developing skills’ thread. Negativity is a big problem for me as well; I always worry about getting negative responses. Worrying tends to be my middle name when it comes to social interaction in general, . I can imagine that she would be too scared about sending her artwork to be shown in case she would get bad replies, I would hate that too, . As I have such high levels of anxiety some things become so much harder than for those that are neurotypical. So she was distracted by the others wearing cosplay for the animé/manga/games she was interested in, yes? I can imagine she must have been lost in the moment, , I can imagine how exciting it must have been. Personally, I am not sure how I would act if I went to an MCM Expo with my high levels of anxiety, but if you are able to cope with the group of people there, then I can imagine that it was a great place to go to. She looks nice, and yes, I can remember the character, Alita Tiala, in the Apollo Justice Ace Attorney game, the outfit looks good too, unfortunately I don’t think I ever managed to complete that game. I do have the 91st issue of the Neo magazine, which came out December 2011, which she appears in; she must have been brave to have her photograph taken for the Neo magazine. In truth, I mainly look at the new animé and manga coming out rather than the cosplay, so I don’t know if I noticed it before. I can completely understand, before you get there all the things you want to say float around your head, but the moment that it counts, you freeze, I can relate to that, . I freeze all the time whenever someone comes up to talk to me face-to-face, other than my family. I always get strong acid in my stomach and I fumble my words. Yes, I do have a DeviantArt account, I haven’t posted the two sketches I have created, but they are only just rough sketches, first attempts basically. To be honest, I have rarely gone onto the website much, but on occasions I have seen some artwork on there. Best wishes Ichigo

Hi jb1964, yes, I can understand why she would be petrified, I felt worried about writing on the forum in the beginning as well. Still am to some degree, but I am slowly trying to get used to it. To me, writing online is so much easier than talking face-to-face. I have gone onto the DeviantArt website in the past; I liked the artwork on there. I have only drawn about two drawings of manga, but only just a couple of sketches from an online video tutorial. I have wanted to try to get better with drawing the manga characters, but I have also wanted to try to learn Japanese, but have been having difficulty focusing. I also like the Ace Attorney Phoenix Wright games, I do use walkthroughs to help me complete the games though, but I do like playing them nevertheless. I do use Skype but I have never really contacted anyone other than my family on it though. I have always thought how crowded the MCM Expo’s are. I have always seen them as being a sea of people that I could get drowned in. I also feel embarrassed about dressing up into cosplay. I have seen it in the NEO magazine and the new MyM magazine and thought “wow, what dedication, I don’t think I could do that”. I wish her all the luck when she goes to meet the people in London, . I think she is brave to go to meet those people, I know I certainly couldn’t cope with that. Yes, I too would find that talking about a common interest would spark a better conversation than simply talking ‘small talk’. It is much easier to flow when you have an interest to talk about. If your daughter feels brave enough to write on here and introduce herself to me, I would be happy write to her about her interests in animé, manga, and the games. Thank you for your kind words, and I hope your daughter gets on well with the people from London that she would be meeting, .

Someone that my mum has been in contact with also thought that “Behind My Bedroom Door” would be a good title if I wrote a book. It will take some time to go through all my memories, but I am more determined now than ever before after contacting this forum. Yes, I can understand what you say, it makes sense. I feel like I have a huge wall of anxiety, breaking through it feels impossible. Yes, they should have helped me at day one (my mum tried to get them to help me by going to so many meeting but they just lied), but now that I am at this stage, I feel like I would be hurt if I moved. I think now that I am in the situation that I am in for these 5 years, then it may be dangerous trying to help me, in case they hurt me instead. I think in another thread, I describe about a professional web designer that tried to resolve an issue with my web site for a web designing course. Long story short, it became confusing writing to him to solve the problem between the main course tutor and the web designer via emails (one could see the website whereas the other could not), it got very draining, so much so that my grades suffered in the end. This is an example why I would find online learning by myself difficult. Learning online is a solution that seems to mock me, it is there, it is available, but it can get confusing and draining all the same. This is the difficulty I face with distance learning. Yes, but it has also taught me how cruel the world is as well. I have gained the perspective that some aspects of school life seem to reflect onto the rest of life. I cannot say that there are not bullies in life one way or the other. I believe that bullies from school do not grow out of it; they grow into a bigger form, either as work bullies or via criminals. There could be powerful and influential corrupted people out there that during school enjoyed picking on others as well. I cannot blind myself to reality, it is there, it can be cruel, and it can be vicious. Yes, my anxieties have increased exponentially in those 5 years, but no one has ever come to help me. When I say help, there is a difference between helping and pushing. Pushing does not help; pushing can be very harmful to someone on the autistic spectrum. Well, there is the difficulty with the fact that, if I come out of my door to face the tutors, not only would it make me lose focus on learning, but also I feel like I am vulnerable. If I am out from behind my bedroom door the authorities could say “right, now you are out, you can go to college”, I cannot run a marathon when I am just starting to limp. I will break if pushed, I cannot be pushed, pushing only hurts me, of that I am certain. Seeing how my peer group are advancing in comparison to myself will cut deep, and that is due to the effects of time. Time is a merciless thing, leaving you no time to catch your breath never mind make something of your life. I feel that I should have started talking on this forum a long time ago, . Mum thinks that I am generally two years behind everything, so ideally, I should have started writing on this forum two years ago, but at least I am starting now.

darkshine, hmm, so learning a language is a problem that I may not find an easy answer too. The most I could find were two things in learning languages, one (in Japanese) was games on the internet to help remember the symbols and the sounds, I tried that, it worked to some degree, but then I was quickly distracted shortly afterwards. I also found a website that you’d have to be on Skype to learn languages by talking to someone in their own country, with my anxiety and social difficulties that would feel impossible. What I can’t understand is that we all experience anxiety and depression at some point, isn’t it human nature? We experience depression because of when our lives start to head down a dark path, everyone would feel that way, wouldn’t they? If someone had difficulties around talking to people as they are shy, isn’t that a form of anxiety? High levels of anxiety have been caused because of the social difficulties I have, therefore it is closely linked to my AS. The anxiety that is caused by my social difficulties produce depression, no? When it comes to my OCD, I think that my SPD is so similar to OCD that it could be impossible to completely get rid of the OCD. I feel like the SPD would only regenerate a new form of OCD shortly afterwards. Not only that, but if someone were to help stop the OCD then they may not understand the difference of the SPD to the OCD and therefore make things worse. I can see that OCD and SPD mix to form a condition that feels greater. I need to wash my hands because of the SPD in my touch sense difficulty but I suppose it has become somewhat of a ritual/obsession therefore the OCD. I always believe that the reason for the depression needs to be tackled to help solve it. If I can tackle the social depression by finding friends, then that kicks that side of the depression. If I can tackle the lack of education by finding a way of learning that I can cope with, then that takes care of another side. If I were to go to a psychiatrist all they may do is prescribe drugs to mask the depression, not find strategies to tackle the reason for the depression in the first place. I need to find strategies to find the solution not medication to mask it. Writing is so much easier than speaking in person, it is very true, and the only real anxiety with talking online is if the other person can understand your writing or have been offended. I still have a lot to write about my past though, but I can understand that when it’s all finished you find you want to use your writing to speak on this forum. It is a good way of socialising when you can’t cope with face-to-face interaction. I, myself, feel it is much easier for me writing to my old primary school friend online then talking to her face-to-face.

darkshine, When I was learning with my tutors from behind my bedroom door then I could focus far better on learning, now they’ve gone, my focus is broken. I want to learn as much as possible, but the difficulty is I get distracted very easily. So many things distract me, games, music, etc. I find that when it comes to writing, music is the best focusing tool. Learning other subjects like languages, music doesn’t work; I don’t know what to use to keep me focused. With the comment that they haven’t got a clue, my mum agrees with it 100%, they haven’t got a clue. From what my mum sees on the internet, we aren’t the only ones that realise that they haven’t got a clue, there are hundreds of people out there who feel the same. Yeah, I think that as ASD affects us neurologically, technically that is the mind, and mental, is also mind, so therefore I suppose the two get mixed up a lot because they are based in the same place, the mind. It is just that ASD may affect us by genetics when mental illness may be caused by the situation you have gone through. I wonder whether depression really isn’t part of AS, not all may have it, but nevertheless our difficulties may make depression come from the anxieties we feel. I think that in my own situation, my anxiety in social situations, and the effects of time, has caused this depression I feel, those anxieties come from my AS, and therefore the depression comes from that. I think depression is like a follow-on condition. I understand that it is difficult to understand the concept I have of being behind my bedroom door. I only stay behind my bedroom door when anyone official comes to the house be it, home tutors etc. If they need to come into my bedroom then I go down to my grandma’s. I don’t stay behind it 24/7, I do go around the house and outside but I don’t talk to anyone and basically only with my mum, but when it involves authority, then it’s behind my bedroom door.

darkshine, yes, talking on this forum is a start, and yes, typing on the computer is easier. The anxiety does still exist as I worry over whether I am understood, or offended anyone, even if I haven’t, I still worry over it, always have. Having anxiety over social interaction is always there, ever since I first entered school. It has just grown larger as I got older, as the repercussions in getting a negative result could affect me more now. If they treat autistic people as having mental health disorders but we don’t then how would they be helping, aren’t they making things worse? If they treat it as a mental health problem, prescribe you drugs for social phobia and such then it really won’t solve anything will it, no? Drugs always carry added problems, side effects, long term effects and such; why not try to find strategies to help develop your social confidence than prescribing drugs that could make things worse? Of course they have to be the ones making the first move, but once a care plan was sent to me that I didn’t even know about and it said if I didn’t build the relationship with the psychiatrist then they couldn’t help me. I couldn’t sign something like that; they have made no conscience effort to ever help me. One psychiatrist very briefly came and asked if I would work with him via the computer, I could barely hear him through the door but said yes. After that we never heard about him again. My mum had been many meetings involving psychiatrists and psychologists during the time of my statement but their promises to help came to absolutely nothing. They have all known about my position of being behind my bedroom door, but none of them ever made a move to help. I find it hard to learn by myself, always have. It is very difficult; I have such a lack of focus, but then again, such an ambition to learn. It contradicts each other, but I am constantly faced with that fact. Is it because of my depression, or is it something else?

darkshine, yeah, I think it is a combination of my high levels of anxiety topped with the fact that I am practically alone in the friend department, that old primary school friend I have only been contacting for a few weeks. I think I still feel alone. I don’t often write to people like this, so it is all new to me. I am so anxious about making a bad impression. It has always been difficult moving past that, with all that’s happened I think it may take time. Even then, I don’t want to get on anyone’s bad side so I think I will still be apologising. It feels like a never ending cycle. There are times I feel I need to find out something, but in the process I may make things worse by over worrying. That is something I am going through with this old primary school friend. She works in hairdressers and gets busy sometimes. I got worried since she didn’t reply for some time, and sent a second message; I think I may have rushed her as she wrote back straight away. She has reassured me that it was OK, so it has a bit less of an impact. I have been alone since school, so to be able to contact an old school friend after all this time feels strange. I’m not used to it. Isn’t autism a neurological condition, not a mental one? Why would we need to see psychiatrists and psychologists? Besides I think that psychiatrists and psychologists have special buttons in their offices that they don’t have when they are out of their offices. They feel vulnerable when they are in people’s homes, as they don’t have the security they have in their offices. Those with autism are known to have difficulties with building relationships. It should be the psychiatrist or psychologist that should build the relationship with the person with autism, not the other way around.

darkshine, I just wish I had started a diary a long time ago, and then I could have more detailed accounts of my past. There were many situations that I could have included but forgotten, . My mum has tons of paperwork all over her room as well. My auntie, Marilyn, always says why she doesn’t get rid of that rubbish. If the ‘rubbish’ can be put to a better use then why waste it? That is what got me thinking, with the advice on here, why not try using my memories of the past to a better purpose, I am struggling behind my bedroom door, and it is extremely difficult trying to cope in life. Yes, I can understand what you mean, I feel the same, but then again, each person with ASD is different but may have similar experiences. I think there is not enough awareness in this country to help support those on the autistic spectrum, if there was then I wouldn’t have needed to be behind my bedroom door in the first place. I thought it was too big a task to write a book, but I think from my home tutor, Sonia, advising me about it, the advice I got on here, and since my mind is in such chaos. Why not make a use for that chaos, maybe in writing a book, my mind may ease a little, at least I hope so. Didn’t Luke Jackson write a book, did his mind settle in the process? I thought that as I am struggling so much from behind my bedroom door, maybe I could try piecing pieces together of that time, say how I got to that stage, the struggles I have gone through since then. Maybe it might be interesting to hear of someone with AS learning from behind their bedroom door, I need help desperately anyway. To try and reach out there for hope when all seems lost, I think I need to try something; I don’t want to just sit here waiting for a possibility of everything going wrong. Time is against me, everyone is advancing, I am stuck, and I want to break out of that cycle somehow. I don’t know if this would be a way. Maybe, if I reach out there maybe people might notice, and then I may feel less alone. Yes, I know, but mum herself has been stabbed in the back many times by authorities, why should I trust the people that have stabbed her in the back, I got stabbed in the back enough at school. Having AS and experiencing bullies is not a nice experience but it has also taught me how vulnerable I am. I don’t want to hand myself on a plate to give those that may be corrupted in the authorities a chance to snatch me up and jab their fork into my back as well. How can I know who to trust and who not to trust? Someone could wear a caring face one minute and then change it to a demon’s mask the next. Just because I am older it doesn’t mean that I don’t still have such a high level of anxiety. It was a challenge when I first met my old primary school friend face-to-face. I feel like I have no confidence how am I supposed to challenge the authorities. It has been amazing, this bedroom door that I have hidden behind for so long, it has helped me feel confident enough to talk to people much more fluently. I am not as afraid to speak to someone new when the door is there then when it isn’t. The bedroom door is the best way I have found to help enable me to talk and focus at a level that is the best for learning with guidance from the tutors. I was only able to talk to that old primary school friend face-to-face a little better because I had seen her before and knew what she was like, and also because I explained my problems to her beforehand. The 139a assessment document is sometimes also called a Moving Forward Plan. It is a document designed to state my needs in help with education, what my future aims are and what I would like to study. Something like a statement of educational needs but this is nowhere near as robust as a statement. These have got to be carried out by a special needs adviser working for Connexions. Unfortunately, it has been reported country wide that the qualities of these assessments are not very good. Because my situation was so complex from the start, meaning being behind the door for 5 and a half years, and home tutors coming to teach me from behind my bedroom door, and also the fact that I took exams down in my living room and my mum was allowed to be present. The connexions advisor that started this process off hardly knew me and he only came to two annual review meetings. At the first meeting, he stated to all present that he had no idea how to help me and that he couldn’t. By the second meeting, just as my statement was about to end, even though he knew that I wanted to continue with my studies (after all I had past several exams). His statement was to have a gap year. What I didn’t know at the time was that actually as my statement ended, he left. This document/assessment must be talked through with me and my mum. Lots of what came back in the draft copy was not true, we had not discussed it and not agreed to it. This has been going backwards and forwards for the past two years. My mum got a solicitor and wrote to her local MP but it has made no difference. In order to continue with the possibility of having any further education, we have to sign the document. I can’t sign anything that isn’t true, and besides we don’t even know now that the two tutors I had will come back. Even if they do, it will be for short courses only and the assessment has to be redone all over again, with yet again a new SENs connexions advisor that doesn’t know me.

I have wanted to continue to learn but because the authorities have sent out a 139a document that I have to sign, there are constant inaccuracies with it, it keeps coming back wrong; I cannot sign something that is incorrect. My mum has tried to find help in order to get the document sorted out but it has been difficult finding the right help. I think Dragon NaturallySpeaking could be a way of helping if you have dyslexia. If you start to use it, at the beginning you’d need to read some writing, but afterwards, it helps you by writing everything you have spoken on certain accepted programs like Microsoft word and emails. There is also a facility on there to read what is written if you highlight it. I don’t know if it could help you but it could be a good way of reading and writing.

A-S Warrior, I am sorry, , I just have a need to find strategies to help me cope through life. It isn’t easy when I have this high level of anxiety. Please, I mean no offense in any way; I just need to find a structure to work on. I need to start somewhere small. I cannot run a marathon, when I barely have the legs to stand. I am trying to plot my thoughts, feelings and memories down on paper so that I can find that structure. It may take time, but I will try my best. I am sorry, I cannot move with big thoughts when I have been taught behind my bedroom door for 5 and half years, after what the school system has done to me. I feel like my legs are broken and I cannot stand. I need to find the support to at least be able to limp again. I just need those strategies in order to achieve that goal.

Chris54, I’m sorry, , I think I wrote before my mind thought it through. I am sorry I didn’t mean to offend anyone in any way; it was just a misplaced meaning. Yes, my sister can read and write but she also finds it difficult to spell and read writing. I think even mum has problems with words; she can’t spell very well and has made many mistakes putting words with opposite meanings. She also finds it easier to read aloud, I don't think I have that problem, I can read without saying the words aloud. I am not all that bad with spelling, though to be honest, I do use spellchecker so that’s cheating, but I can’t spell perfectly. I also have some difficulties with spelling, but I think I am better than mum as she always asks me how to spell some words. Hmm, I never really thought I had dyslexia, I suppose sometimes I also read some sentences more than once, but not always. Hmm, I don’t think I am as bad as my mum or sister though. Just because I am better at spelling and reading then them, would that still give me a chance of having dyslexia? I have managed to read several books in the past; I didn’t find it too difficult though. Through my old English home tutor, she said how well my writing has improved and even came out and said whether I should write a book. I think what I have done is pick up words some people have used and tried to implement it into my writing where I think it would be best. As I have said, I write far better when listening to music, I think it helps me concentrate. Is that a possible sign of dyslexia, but in concentration?

darkshine, I will be 21 come June. Exactly, I cannot forget the pains that school has caused me. In the thread ‘Chaotic mind’, it has been suggested that I put my thoughts, memories and feelings down on word documents, web cam videos, voice memos, etc. so that I can build them up. I will try to use them for a purpose. I am hoping through this document that I started may grow into something that could be useful. It may take time though, my memory isn’t perfect. If I can build up all of my thoughts and put them on paper, maybe I could use them for a purpose. Hmm, the problem is that the trauma that my P.E teacher, that was also the head of year caused me, since then, I haven’t trusted authorities and shut my bedroom door from all authority figures. I have been learning from behind my bedroom door, with the help of two home tutors, for 5 and a half years successfully. Now there is this 139a document preventing me from getting further education. I cannot sign the document as there are so many inaccuracies with it; it keeps coming back incorrect, no matter how many times we ask the authorities to change it. I am hoping that through talking on this forum I may find some friends, I have been alone for most of my school life. I am in the process of contacting an old primary school friend but her life is so different from my own. I hope to be able to make some friends on the spectrum that may have some similar experiences to me. It might be difficult, but I am always willing to try. I don’t have many options, when the internet is my main access to the outside world. I find meet up groups to carry an awful lot of anxiety. If I can make friends on this forum, then that might be able to tackle those bad memories, at least I hope so.

I think my older sister has dyslexia; she also has trouble with reading. I have not got dyslexia; I can read and write, it’s just that to keep me focused on a subject then music has always been my first choice. I can do most things while listening to music, writing for example, it is just that to learn a language I am finding listening to music in the process not to be working. I’m listening to music whilst writing this now, . When I go down to my Oma’s (grandma’s in German) house I notice from mum and her talking and raising their voices is very distracting, so much so, that my music is my only escape. When I am at home, I seem to have an entertainment limit inside of me, I can get bored very quickly and immediately have to move to something else. I am not totally housebound; it is mainly to those in authority positions, after my P.E teacher, who was also the head of year, interrogated me in the gym in amongst the other students. The shock of that has stayed with me, losing trust in authorities. With the help of my speech and language therapist (SALT), being the invigilator, I managed to pass some GCSE exams from my living room with my mum present in the room. If I wasn’t able to do that, I think I would have had a great trouble even getting those exams. I also managed to pass a merit grade in web design and a distinction in photography, just before the tutors left. In school, I could barely cope with the work, when I was home tutored from behind my bedroom door, I could really tell the difference. I was learning much better, I could focus far more easily, now they are gone, having to learn by myself is like travelling back to school, and the difficulties I had there. There may not be other children distracting me, but the tutors were able to guide me down the right path. When I have seen where my peer group are, it cuts deep in my heart. I cannot cope in the learning system that some of them are in, university, but I am so ambitious about learning that it still hurts inside. No, the most a psychiatrist has done is come to the house to speak to me from behind my bedroom door and then leave, without coming again. They say I should be the one to build the relationship with them. They have not done anything to help me. How am I supposed to build the relationship with them, if they don’t come to me?

I think I’ll add this to my profile: In 2002, I was diagnosed with severe OCD by a clinical psychologist. There was then a talk of whether I had learning difficulties, possibly autism. I then had three assessments with a speech and language therapist, those reports then went forward to a consultant psychiatrist. In May 2004, I had an emotional breakdown at school. In the summer holidays of 2004, my mum got IPSEA involved because she wanted to have a statement of special educational needs. As a result, IPSEA paid for a full independent assessment from an educational psychologist and also a full assessment from an independent occupational therapist. All of those reports went to the consultant psychiatrist as well. In August 2004, I had an assessment with the consultant psychiatrist and four other psychologists altogether in the same room. As a result of that, I was diagnosed with ASD, quite possibly aspergers syndrome at the age of 14. However, due to the breakdown, and the terrible bullying experiences at school, I could no longer go back to school. So, I ‘shut my bedroom door’ physically and mentally to everyone, apart from my family, to the outside world. I was then home taught by tutors from behind my bedroom door for the next 5 and a half years. No psychiatrist ever came to the house to talk to me or see me, and I couldn’t go to their clinics. CAMHS and now CMHT, haven’t come anywhere near me to help me, and I very rarely see a GP and they keep changing at my practice anyway. As I reached 19, my statement of special educational needs has ended and my tutors have left me, without education. I am hoping to continue but the 139a assessment document is causing a lot of problems. I don’t think I have ADHD or ADD. I have never been a rough or hyper child in my life; I was always sensitive, and susceptible to being bullied. Isn’t Ritalin supposed to be taken if you have those conditions or Narcolepsy? If you mean to take it because of depression, I have always worried about taking medication, I worry about the side effects that might occur. I thought aspergers syndrome and sensory processing disorder weren’t mental illnesses. They are neurological conditions, aren’t they? Thank you for your advice, , but I don’t know if this will really help me as I don’t have ADHD, ADD or Narcolepsy.

For a long time I have felt very ambitious about learning. I have wanted to learn many things, and things associated with my interests. I think a problem I am having is with my sensory processing disorder (SPD). I try to focus on learning Japanese, but I get so distracted by my Japanese music. Is it due to my SPD? Also has anyone got any strategies in how to focus on a subject to learn, without being distracted from what you want to learn, especially a language? I am so unsure about a lot of things, that’s why I thought to ask this forum. I will take on any advice given and try to see if they may work. I do not want to repel anyone’s ideas; I am just trying to meld each into a more suitable approach. Each piece of advice could be vital, in finding the total answer that suits me. If you have any advice, please don’t worry about talking to me, I am more worried if you don’t. My mind is in such chaos, I’m sorry, . Thank you for replying to my previous threads, , I know I can be hard to talk to, but I feel so alone that every response is something useful to me, it really is. I am sorry if I have pushed anyone away in my responses, . My mind always tortures me if I make anyone feel bad.

Sorry, I think I might have put this thread in the wrong section before, I hope this is the right place, . My mind couldn't settle until I was sure it was in the right place, . My SPD and OCD affect my life in so many different ways, half the time I can’t work out the difference between them. They coincide with each other all the time. I sometimes wonder that if OCD is tackled then the chances are my SPD would only recreate new OCD traits in a different form. Food is one of the hardest subjects for my SPD. I am vegetarian because of my SPD, it took time but eventually in McDonalds, I kept trying the burgers, and slowly over time I got more and more uncomfortable with the feeling of the texture, focusing on the texture made me think of cows, and well you can guess the rest, . My SPD can make me very picky with foods, it annoys mum something terrible, and me, but I can’t help it. Most fruit I cannot stand, for example I find bananas, plums, grapes and oranges too fleshy, pears to be too grainy, raspberries too hairy, pomegranates, most melons, kiwi and strawberries to be too bitter. With vegetables if I see a brown mark on them then I cannot eat them. Mushrooms look a lot like fleshy overgrowths and some can really smell bad. I hate it, it makes choices of what to eat extremely few, I have a very small choice of foods, . When it comes to food, it has to look right, smell right, feel right on my tongue, and taste right, if it doesn’t pass all of that, I am unable to eat it. I have tried apples, they are reasonable, the only problem is that it is difficult to get used to the fact that it changes colour so quickly. I have also tried watermelon, that is a little better, I have gotten used swallowing the seeds along with it, and the fleshiness of it is not too bad, the look of it does kind of remind me of steak though, which is disconcerting since I am vegetarian. I have tried smoothies but I have to gulp it down as I don’t like the feeling of the fruit bits on my tongue. Tomatoes by themselves are very bitter. Food is an extremely difficult subject due to my SPD, argh, it’s annoying, . It is hard for everyone around me, including myself to deal with, but it is part of my SPD. That I can’t run away from. I want to try recipes to try other foods other than, tomato soup, soft rolls, breakfast muffins, pasta and pizza, but the problem is our kitchen is so very small and chaotic, making it claustrophobic, that it can be draining cooking in there, . I feel I need to add a lot of spices to most dishes to increase the flavour of the foods, which also includes breakfast muffins. There have been several occasions in my past when I was much younger there was a dinner put in front of me to eat in amongst other children, the same happened once during primary school. I just stared at it and tears started to well as I knew I couldn’t eat it, but I didn’t want to make the situation awkward, as that is often the case if you can’t eat the food. It was horrible when I was asked to eat the food prepared for me but I couldn’t eat it, I didn’t want to be ungrateful at all, but I had no control over it. I also remember when I was younger and used to eat meals that my Oma (grandma in German) prepared; I had to eat them on separate plates. That was a clear sign of SPD, but mum and I didn’t know it at the time. What gets me the most is that I want to eat healthily but my SPD is preventing me. All I can do is take vitamins for vegetarians. That is not all. Being sensitive to touch is another major difficulty to my SPD, I get a tingly uncomfortable feeling whenever someone touches my arms and I cannot shake people’s hands. The smell of metal in my hands from coins, door handles, and such creates a real irony smell in my hands which is irritating, thankfully I have found a strategy to tackle this and light touch. If someone was to accidently touch me or I had that irony smell what I do is wash my hands, it gets rid of the feeling and the smell in one fell swoop. If I need to open a door, I tend to use my t-shirt to cover the door handle. If I travel I take a hand gel so that I can use that instead of washing my hands, it is also much quicker. That is why I am never sure if it is my OCD affecting me here or SPD. For everyday tasks I find cotton gloves have helped me. To me, it cuts off the direct contact to surfaces and makes it easier to do various tasks like making a cup of coffee. I can’t hold most knives, forks or spoons unless I wrap them in tissue. I even have my own selection of knives, forks, and spoons to combat the problem to some degree. At night I feel I must bring a torch out with me to check the floor as I hate to step on slugs, snails, and everything slimy or gooey. If I did I can hear the noise it makes, the feeling it creates and my mind will not settle until my shoes are cleaned. It is awful. I don’t know how else to tackle this other than with a torch. Sight is more focused on my OCD, I think, but to be honest, I have no idea. I am not worried over sleeping because of my eyes at all; it is not like that at all. What I have the problem with which is why this is perplexing me is that if I see the slightest stain or hair on any surface, be it mug, plate, bowl, sink, bath, anything that I could have direct contact with, I need to wash it to get rid of it. I cannot use it otherwise. That has got to be my OCD surely. I keep seeing crossovers between my SPD and OCD that I cannot easily tell the difference. Smells do affect me as well. I like the smell of fresh bread, coffee, candles, and even washing powder. When I go to the supermarket the aisles containing those items can get quite overpowering. I have a lot of air fresheners around so that I can combat the bad smells around the house. I can hear much better than my mum. I can hear a phone ring upstairs from downstairs in the living room at times; it is not a major issue to my SPD though. What is a major issue with my hearing side of SPD has got to be loud noises. My family sometimes have an unfortunate habit of raising their voices when tensions become high. I find this horrible, and it makes me feel worse, the best thing I think that was invented for this is earphones. I just plug them in turn my music up and it cuts it off. That has been my strategy for tackling this problem. Something has also perplexed me about my SPD. I am not sure if this is because of my SPD or AS but I have noticed that I can sense my family’s moods. Personally, whenever I sense someone is feeling bad I can tell, it is either that I sense the awkwardness of the situation, can sense their tone of voice, see their reaction, like sinking into a chair and covering their face. I immediately feel extremely uncomfortable; conflict is something that makes me feel really awkward about. I tend to feel bad if they feel bad, I guess it is like a mirror image. I have noticed something very strange that only happened once a while back. I got up one morning walked to the window then I suddenly got this picture in my head of a cat with an exaggerated scared expression. A few seconds later I heard a dog bark from far away and then a couple of seconds later I noticed a cat cry. I found that weird, I have never experienced that before. It shocked me and I didn’t know what to think. I am not sure what it is. Is it my SPD, AS or what? So the questions I ask are: Where does my SPD affect me and where does OCD? Also, has anyone found any strategies to tackle some of these SPD or OCD traits? And what happened when I got that pre-emotional reaction from the cat before it occurred?

darkshine, yes, I can’t understand it either. I have learnt not to be stupid enough to say that someone looks ugly, it is that to trick my mind into thinking brighter thoughts. I cannot do that, my mind has more bad memories than good ones, how would I focus on such few good memories, when my school life was only just behind me and carried a massive weight of bad ones. Yes, I can see the sense in A-S Warrior’s words; it is just that, I need to be doing something now so that in the future I may say that. I cannot go through life thinking I may say that but not truly knowing if I may get to that stage. I think I need to be able to see some brighter solidity in my future. I think I need strategies in order to get to that stage. I cannot just say I will feel that way in the future. I need to know how to get to that stage.