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About Cr4ckp0t

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    Salisbury Hill

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  • Interests
    Cracking, coding, graffiti, rap music, Xbox, smurfs, chemistry, physics, running and death
  1. I'm 33 and I flap my hands when I get upset and anxious and people think im behaving like a small child but I can't stop it. I know people have always tried to stop my rocking and flicking my fingers and shaking my legs but the more they do the less I can. As an adult I can articulate now that this is what I do when I'm distressed and I do it to block everyone and the distress out and go into hyper focus on something - anything other than the noise/feel/light that may be upsetting me. When I'm focused it subsides but some days it can be near constant as I bob from one irritation to another depending on the environment I'm in
  2. Hi treckster Sadly I missed the opening ceremony, I'm back in hospital again "for my alarming behaviour". So watching tv with the other inmates isn't an option. I don't feel safe to go out my room. So what was of interest in the opening ceremony?
  3. Hi rufusrufus, No I haven't but I'll be sure to look it up. Having to operate off my 3G connection on my iPad due to being admitted for my 2nd inpatient stay on an acute psychiatric ward (the 2nd time in as many months)! Is your pet ferret called Owen?
  4. Thank you for your replies - for taking the time to listen and respond - with grat though and insight too. I appreciate it. I know you are both right and I know fate is in my own hands and I have the choice and ability to alter my perception of both myself and the world. I'm tired, really tired of it all. I feel like I have nothing left to fight with anymore. I've fought for so long and I just don't feel I can anymore and more than ever before in my life I really want to die .....
  5. I rarely venture out the house but every other day I go feed the swans and ducks in the pond at the bottom of the hill. Yesterday when I returned I continued writing my suicide letters that I began on Friday. I have tried for so long to get the point across to my parents, to support workers, to psychiatrists that there's just nothing to go on for and I'm sick of being patient and trying to "learn" how to manage in a world that I just don't fit into. The simplest way I can describe it is like this: If a penguin appeared at a duck pond what would happen? The swans and ducks and other birds would laugh at them, give them odd looks because they looked and acted differently. The penguin would quickly pick up on this and either be very hurt and get depressed or would try hard to do what the others around them were doing. However hard the penguin tried they would never be able to quack like a duck or elegantly float like a swan, they would always feel very different. The penguin would struggle to deal with the wet, moderate climate not to mention the lack of food they are used to eating. However hard they tried to get used to bread and weeds they would become ill. They would realise they would never find a mate either. Soon the penguin would die from sadness, loneliness, depression and mal nutrition. If the penguin is a fighter it finds it way to a lake, a river or someone's back garden in hopes of surviving but in spite of its efforts it will always be a penguin. The only way it survives is to be taken out of the pond/lake/river and put in a zoo. A zoo is a psychiatric ward. In the zoo the penguin may still not meet any other penguins but it is nurtured and removed from swans and ducks which tell them it doesn't fit in. Sometimes the zoo keepers (psychiatrists) even try understand and make the penguin feel better about itself but then eventually they have to let it go and send it back to a world of ducks and swans. I am a penguin in a world of ducks and swans and no-one quite grasps this.
  6. Hi I'm new to this too. I don't know anyone with Aspergers - least I've not met anyone. I wouldn't class myself as being extremely high functioning because I am unable to get a job (I've quit trying), I've had to move back to live with my parents, I only have one friend, I can't do any normal things like go shopping or to the pub or for coffee. However some people say i am academically gifted as I have an IQ of 162, countless GCSEs/Alevels/Assosciates Degree/BSc etc etc. I am enrolled now on a distance learning course at Harvard and I am also looking to complete my MSc here in the UK although this is problematic as it requires lab time and human interaction. I'd probably be like one of the three very depressed characters you talked about if you met me but if people persisted with me or communicate with me in writing/by email etc I can probably pull it off that I'm fairly "normal". Having just spent the last 5 weeks in an acute psychiatric ward I know that however competent I may be intellectually or academically, my thought processes and behaviour often result in people perceiving me to very childish, even stupid simply because I don't have the social skills or ability to adapt to different situations. I'd give anything to meet people who have some degree of empathy with how it feels to be part of a world you never seem to fit in. That would be worth a million times more than meeting people who are my intellectual equals with whom I find it no easier to relate to than any random stranger i could meet in the street
  7. Cr4ckp0t


    Hello. I'm new here too
  8. Hello I'm new here too. I just received my "official" asperger's diagnosis.
  9. Jedi mind tricks Snow goons Linkin park - anything mentioning suicide
  10. I had a career until about 3 1/2 years ago, in fact my own business until I simply couldn't cope any longer and pretending to be normal just became too hard
  11. Hi, I'm new to all this and am looking to find other people with similar interests and experiences to communicate with. I'm a 33 year old female, from leeds. I have recently received an official/formal diagnosis of asperger's (although in the past 20 years several psychiatrists have suggested I was on the autistic spectrum but then I was promptly removed from their care and sent to someone else!!). I like anything apple - macbook's, iPad's, iPhone's etc etc especially taking them apart, modding them as well as hacking, cracking and coding. I also like rap music especially underground stuff and also some grunge/metal too depending on my mood. I also like my Xbox FIFA 12 currently. And smurfs, I love my smurf village. It lives on my iPad and iPhone. When I'm not on electronic devices I like to write (most people call this graffiti but technically it's the art of writing and lettering). I like tattoos and piercings. Reading research papers on chemistry, building molecular structures and understanding about explosives. I also am interested in Newtonian Physics, Fractals, Anatomy, epistemology, eastern philosophy and IQ's. I also like fire but I have to be careful about how much interest I show in that because recently it has raised considerable concern with forensic psychiatry!! If anyone has any similar interests I would like to hear from them as really the only people I communicate with are my parents and mental health services who don't share my interests. I do have a friend and she is brilliant but we are very different and she doesn't like any of these things except she has a smurf village too.
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