oxgirl

Hi, yes, another one here. My lad is also 21 and I am the driving force behind everything he does still. It is exhausting, I know, and also frustrating because when they are adults it isn't so easy to just take them places. I sometimes wonder myself if I am making him feel not capable by doing everything for him or finding agencies to help him do things, but I know the reality is he wouldn't do anything if I didn't initiate it for him so I have to keep going. I also don't have an answer. Sometimes people say 'something will come along', but I get so annoyed at that, it's so glib. Where do they think these things will 'come from'?, out of thin air, HOW do you make something happen and change? We are also stuck in a rut, unsure how to move on from here and there is not much help out there either. (*group hug*) ~ Mel ~

That sounds wonderful. I only wish there were more of these in other areas of the country. Good luck with it. ~ Mel ~

Hi Dixie, so sorry to hear about the problems you are having with your son. You don't say what he does with his time, is he still at school or college? Is this a special school or college if so? Could you talk to his teachers or helpers there to find out if they are also concerned about him? It does sound like he is struggling to cope at the moment and is very anxious. Does he have friends he sees or other activities he goes to or is he mostly at home with you? In the first instance you could make an appointment with his GP and go by yourself to discuss your worries about your son and ask for his/her advice on how best to go about helping him. I would take a list of all the worries you have written down so that you don't forget anything. Has he any other support at all, a social worker or other agency who deals with him who you could talk to? Does your ex still have contact and is he worried about your lad also? If you could both sit down and discuss together how you could both help, that would be a good starting point. Maybe if you both sat with your son together to talk calmly about your worries, maybe he would accept it more if it came from you both? Hope you can find some help soon. ~ Mel ~

Hi alexontime, you say that you used to bike ride for 3 hours but that you managed to break this routine. How did you manage to break it? At least it shows that you are able to change your routines, otherwise you would still be doing that now. If you feel you need to walk every day that is very healthy and only becomes a problem if you are struggling to cope. I guess it's a question of which routines are helpful and good for you and which are a problem for you. If you need to walk and need to include the number 3 perhaps you could walk for 3 miles rather than 3 hours. Three miles would only take about one hour but would still include the number 3 or perhaps you could walk for 33 minutes? See if you can change the routine to work FOR YOU rather than the routine forcing you to work for it. You did it before so you know you can do it again. ~ Mel ~

My cat is definitely annoying, she is driving us crazy with her incessant whining. I like horses most of all. ~ Mel ~

Hi Eustace, yes I can sympathise, I have always been very sensitive to lots of different sounds and used to over-react to certain sounds when I was younger. What I found was that when I was younger I would become obsessed with these sounds and fixate on them and could not distract myself from them to such an extent that I could not think of anything else. It has certainly got easier as I have got older, I am now able to distract myself and not focus all my attention on them anymore, so it does get better. Can you think ot something you could do to distract yourself from focussing on the noises that are upsetting you? Have you spoken to your doctor about the problem? it could be that a mild anti-depressant could help you to be less sensitive to the noises and help you to move on from them or at least break the cycle. I used to become very stuck with noises and could not move on from them and would sit frozen listening out for them and waiting for them to begin again to the point where I was losing my mind with the anticipation of them. As I said, as I have gotten older I have been able to focus my mind of other things so I am not focussing my whole attention on the noise or waiting for them to start. I am not saying it is easy, but it is possible. Sorry if I haven't been able to explain myself very well, but hope you might find some of that useful ~ Mel ~

I've sent you a message Soraya. ~ Mel ~ x

Hi smadams11, sorry you're having a tough time with your son. It sounds like he isn't getting much sleep if he is up late in the night. Does this keep his brother awake also if they are currently sharing a room? Have you thought of medication to help him sleep? It could be that he does need his own space away from his siblings. I don't think it is necessarily a good thing to try to enforce them to play together, but I do understand that you don't want him to become more isolated also. It is good that he received a harsh punishment after hurting his brother, was he sorry afterwards and did he apologise? Personally, I would try to make sure that your eldest is allowed to have his time alone that he obviously needs, whilst at the same time trying to include him as much as possible. My son is an only child so he did not have to deal with boisterous younger siblings, but I'm not sure how he would have coped if he had have had to, it probably would have driven him crazy! Hope your Xmas is going more peacefully now. ~ Mel ~

I really didn't want to go for a run but I dragged myself out anyway. I did four miles and was faster than I'd been in a long time after coming back from injury so I was very glad I'd gone. ~ Mel ~

I've never seen nor voted on such a poll and I'm on here regularly. The mods do a good job and have done for many years, no complaints here. If others are unhappy, maybe they need to think more about what they are posting or post elsewhere. Sounds like sour grapes to me. ~ Mel ~

All are welcome, Dandy. Ask away. ~ Mel ~

Hi Michelle, and welcome. ~ Mel ~

One of Ian Rankin's 'Rebus' books. ~ Mel ~

I've never had family therapy but I think if it's been suggested and is being offered it would be worth trying. I'd never turn any offer of support down, as it might help a lot and you won't know unless you try. Good luck with it. ~ Mel ~

Hope you find a school that you feel happy with, Shaye. All the best. ~ Mel ~

Certainly I would explain your upset and concern to the teacher, Shaye, first thing in the morning and ask what they are doing to make sure this does not happen again. It is unacceptable and you need them to reassure your son that they will protect him. Ask for a meeting to discuss the incident and find out what measures the school are taking to prevent further incidents like this. This is what I meant about picking your battles and saving your energy for the big stuff; this is the big stuff and bullying and attacks on your child must not be tolerated. Hope the school can reassure you that they are taking this very seriously. ~ Mel ~

Yes, I have absolutely no idea what you are referring to, dotmarsdotcom. ~ Mel ~

Just remember, verbeia, that nobody on here is qualified to provide you with a definite diagnosis, especially based on just a few sentences and never having met you. Good luck if you do decide to see a professional for the dx, and good luck also if you don't. ~ Mel ~

Don't put yourself down, Shaye, you are trying your very best and it isn't easy, I know. Try and stay positive and accept that there will be bad days but hopefully you and the school can work together to make things better as time goes on. You are very young and it is tough. I was 30 when I had my lad, but I still wasn't prepared to deal with everything that was thrown at me, so you are doing a great job. Stay strong, keep being firm with him. He is still very young too and has many years of schooling ahead so don't wear yourself out with fretting too early, you're in it for the long game. Take the good days but try not to panic when there are not so good days, it doesn't mean things won't improve in time just try and keep as positive and tough as you can and try not to let the set-backs get you down too much. Hope he has a better day tomorrow and well done for not giving in to him. ~ Mel ~

The sad fact is that school is a stressful place for AS children, ANY school. It is impossible to ensure that a child with AS is never upset whilst at school. Of course, you want to minimise distress and talking to him about how he can find ways to help himself are important too. Think very seriously about moving your son. If he has a friend at the school where he is, that is extremely valuable. My son never had a friend. If you do move him, it could be that the stress and anxiety of moving to a different school that is much further away could make things even worse. At his new school there will also be things that upset him, because school is stressful for children with AS. You will not find a school where he is NEVER upset. If I were you I would work with the school where he is currently to try to minimise his stress and find ways for him to be as settled as he can be. Also, I would not ask him if he wants to go to school. If you ask him if he wants to go and he says no, what do you do? I would set up a positive attitude towards school and impress on him the expectation that he goes every day, making him feel positive about the experience too. If things come along that do upset him, which they will, work with him to find ways with his helpers at school to make them better next time. If you run away from this school who knows that the new one will be better. You'll have taken him from his one friend and you may regret it, especially as he is still so young and right at the beginning of his school career. I would seriously give his school the chance to find ways to improve things, with your input and advice. ~ Mel ~

Believe me, Shaye, I know exactly how you feel. I went through exactly the same feelings as you are. I'm sorry, though, I just can't see the situations you describe in the same way as you. It sounds to me like in all these cases the staff tried their best to accommodate your son, bearing in mind they have a whole class to deal with and not just him. Obviously, they can't please all the children all the time, they can only do their best. My advice to you would be to pick your battles. If you start becoming very petty and picking up on every little thing that you feel they have done 'wrong' then there will end up with a lot of bad feeling between yourself and the school, which can only be detrimental to your son. I am saying this as someone who has been through it. I had so much fury and resentment towards my son's school that by the end of the time he was there I was a complete wreck. My whole day was spent with me wracked with stress, anxiety and continual fretting. I'm not saying the school didn't deserve some of this anger directed towards them, but it did no good. That's why I'm always wary now when people are advised to go in 'all guns blazing', because I know the consequences will not be beneficial for your son. If you can, try to keep a sense of perspective. Battle and fight for the big things but let the little things go. The trouble is that the more you wind yourself up about things the more the little things seem enormous and in the end they will engulf and overwhelm you until they overtake you, like happened to me. I'm just advising caution is all. My honest feeling is that if he was in the park and desperate for the loo and he didn't think he could make it back to school they maybe thought they were doing the right thing by trying to get him to go in the park rather than wetting himself. Maybe they were trying to do the best they could for him. And how was the teaching assistant to know that someone had taken his drink? You say the teacher offered him another, what else could they do? Also, don't forget a lot of this is your son's perspective on a situation. He may have felt the TA was ignoring him but really she could have been busy dealing with another situation or finding out what had happened to his drink but he just felt ignored. If you were to write these all down and present them to the governors as evidence that the school is letting down your son you could be setting up deep resentment in the staff who will feel overly criticised and will then look on your son unfavourably. Hope some of that helps. ~ Mel ~

Hi Shaye, if I may, I'd just like to offer one word of caution re. school. It is really important to try to remain on good terms with the school and to keep the lines of communication firmly open. I know feelings run extremely high and I also know, to my cost, how difficult things can get if relations break down between parents and school. Certainly have a meeting and express your concerns, but do try to keep a good working relationship with the school because that way they are much more likely to try to find ways to help you and your son. If things break down it is very hard repair and to continue working together, which is what school and home need to be doing. Good luck with your meeting and I hope they reassure you that they are trying their best for your son. ~ Mel ~

Welcome Shaye and sorry to hear about the problems your son is having at school. My son is nearly 21 now, but schooldays are still very fresh in my memory and I know what a stressful and difficult time it can be. I hope things improve for your son as he goes through school. All the best. ~ Mel ~

I've been here for many years and it used to be a very strong community here. Years ago meet ups used to be arranged regularly. People would agree a place to meet and a group would travel down and meet up. I never went but there were quite often six to ten people who used to meet up. I don't see why that sort of thing couldn't happen again, either groups or just ones or twos. ~ Mel ~

Hi KezT, hope the op goes well. I'm not sure opinions will help you, as none of us know what the hospital will decide, it could be they will see how things are going and make the decision as to whether to keep him in on the day so you can't predict that. I would arrange for someone to be available just in case he does have to stay in and that way you will at least be covered if they do keep him. Good luck with it and let us know how it goes. ~ Mel ~