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Hi Zebedee, I can understand why you would feel worried about this, but I do think it is encouraging that your son spoke to you about it and brought it up himself with you. If you can try to remain calm and not show too much horror and try to get to the bottom of what your son is feeling, I think that might be the best approach. I would certainly try to keep the lines of communication open and keep a close eye out for signs that your son might be wanting to act out his thoughts, but I wouldn't panic too much at this stage. I think it is entirely normal for children, especially boys, to experiment with these things. My husband used to spend hours burning ants and pulling legs off flies, etc. as a boy and, whereas it is uncomfortable, I think it is a fairly 'normal' stage of development and it doesn't usually escalate into anything more worrying. When my lad was younger he quite matter-of-factly one day announced that he could get a knife and stab me if he wanted to. I was very shocked and alarmed, he'd never been violent before and never shown any signs of having these feelings. He never said anything like that again and never did anything violent at all and is 20 now, I think he was just simply making a statement, tbh, and not really expressing violent thoughts or tendencies at all. So, keep an eye on him but try not to be too worried. Of course, if he displays signs of wanting to act on these thoughts, you'd need to look into getting some psychological help for him, but hopefully it won't come to that, hopefully he was just making a statement too. ~ Mel ~

What are your comments?

Hi deejar, sorry to hear about your troubles. I can relate somewhat. As my son has become older my husband has found it harder and harder to relate to him and now finds it difficult to even speak to him or look at him. We have spoken about it a lot and it comes down to resentment on my husband's part. At age 20 he feels he has given as much as he can and, although he accepts that our son isn't able to 'become normal', if you like, he does resent the fact that he has to continue giving quite so much as he does. He does try to fight against these feelings, but sometimes they do come out in ways that upset me and I feel are unfair to our son. I recognise that he feels he is doing his best, but still end up resenting HIM for not being nicer to our son, if that makes sense. Have you and your husband sat down and had a real heart to heart about how he feels about his son? It could be that he has some deep-seated feelings of anger or resentment against autism itself and the unfairness of it, that he is taking out on your son. The disappointment that he is not the son he had hoped for, even though he loves him, might be overtaking his other feelings and coming out as anger towards him? Some men just aren't good at expressing their feelings, I guess. Has he really come to terms with the diagnosis? I do know that there was a period, when my son was younger, when everything he did irritated me and annoyed me, even his voice annoyed me. I look back on that period and regret that I wasn't more patient or more understanding and that I didn't do better. It did pass, though, and now I have a very good relationship with him. I did have to go through a period though when I had to purposefully make an effort to be nicer to him and to smile at him, until it became natural. Maybe your husband needs to go through that period too. Do they spend much time together? Is there something they could do together, just the two of them, that might bring them closer together? I know that it might seem the 'easier' option for him to leave, but in the long-run, if you two could both work together as a team to build stronger relationships then that would be the better, although harder work I guess. Good luck. ~ Mel ~

Hi Kathy, I sympathise. I've had facial tics ever since I was 12, they tend to vary in terms of severity according to how I'm doing re. stress, so I can relate. Have you thought about some sort of herbal or natural remedy for stress, just as something to try? Kalms or somesuch, which might just take enough of the edge off of his stress to get the tics under control. I know myself that the more I think about the tics the more they occur, so distraction or keeping busy is essential when I'm feeling like I can't stop them. What about exercise, will he do any? Running is a good one, or swimming maybe, relaxing and distracting both at the same time. I'd really like a punchbag, but don't have the space, would he enjoy something like that? ~ Mel ~

Hi kazz43, First thing I would say is that if your brother has a dx of AS, then he was born with it so will have had it ALL his life, not for most of it. As for you feeling you have traits too, I think we could all say we have traits to varying degrees. The issue is whether those traits are strong enough and debilitating enough to cause serious problems in your life and hold you back. I think a lot of people who go about their lives perfectly happily, gaining friends, partners and holding down jobs could say they have 'traits' in various ways, but they manage okay so it isn't a problem, we're all different at the end of the day. I'm not sure what this proves really, but if you generally have managed okay in life and there aren't particular issues that cause you serious problems in your life, I personally wouldn't worry about it. Of course, that's your own decision and only you know how 'seriously' affected you think you are by your 'traits', we have have differing issues at the end of the day, wouldn't be human otherwise. ~ Mel ~

Glad you are feeling better and that you have got your diagnosis. Hope that you'll be able to move forward now with more hope and positivity and that things continue to improve for you. All the best. ~ Mel ~

Hi Loops25 and welcome to the forum. Sorry that you are having such a worrying time with your brother, it certainly sounds concerning and he obviously needs some help. Has he ever had any contact with Social Services or mental health services? Do you think he would accept the idea of help from his GP or is he resistant to the idea? Maybe you and your sister could write the letter together and make it from both of you. You could even put it through his door to look at when he is ready and explain that you are worried about his violent reaction rather than confronting him in person when he might not be ready to hear it? You could say that you'll meet up with him after he has had some time to digest what you have said in the letter to discuss it with him but will only discuss it if he remains calm. Does he accept that his behaviour can be worrying and frightening for you and the rest of your family? I hope that you can get some help for him. It must be an awful strain upon yourself and your parents. ~ Mel ~

Hi nysnanna, Didn't want to not respond, but not sure I have much advice to offer, I'm afraid. It's a horrid situation and I'm sorry that your grandson has got himself into this trouble. Is he on any medication? Could you see his GP and get an emergency referral back to CAHMS for some support, they will see people in a crisis if urgent. Does he feel any remorse for what happened or is he more angry about the situation? Is he still seeing his friends or going out or is he grounded at the moment? It sounds as if he is quite able. I wonder if it might be helpful for him to have some 'punishment' at home, i.e. grounding, extra chores, etc. until his case comes to court to help him to see the seriousness of the situation and earn back some trust? I hope you can get some support for him and for your daughter too. ~ Mel ~

Sounds like you've got a lot of people on your side and are doing all the right things. Good luck, I don't see how the Head can stick to his guns after advice from the autismn outreach contact. All the best. ~ Mel ~

You say the autism outreach lady is supportive of you and not happy with this decision; could you ask her to arrange a meeting with the Head and yourself to explain to him why adapting the NC to your son's needs would be beneficial. At the very least, could she write to the Head on your behalf? ~ Mel ~

Hi emotink, it does sound as if the Head is being very inflexible about this, and I can understand your disappointment. Do you still have contact with the autism outreach team and could you approach them to back you up perhaps? I would have thought it totally reasonable to sacrifice one lesson in order to help your son cope betting with school in general and I can't understand why the Head does not see this. Surely, by forcing him to attend this one lesson, he would be risking setting him back to where he was last year. Could you contact CAMHS as well and ask them to write to the school maybe? I certainly would put your request in writing, copying in the Spanish teacher also. Have you had feedback from the teacher about how he is actually doing in the lesson? I would discuss it with the lesson teacher and then request a formal meeting with the Head and Spanish teacher setting out your arguments in a calm manner and take it from there. Good luck with it. ~ Mel ~

Hi etie and welcome, Are you currently home educating your son yourself or does he have some tutoring? My son is now 20 but we did home educate for two years when he was not coping at school. He also has OCD and spends a lot of time in the loo! Personally, I would not try to keep to school hours. I would sit down and agree a timetable with your son, which I would print out and post up somewhere. I would be inclined to set an alarm for him at around 9am and start working around 10.30 to lunchtime. Then I'd schedule a short session in the afternoon and the rest would be free time to do fun or interesting things together or go out, etc. Is there an Education Otherwise group in your area? They are a group of home educating families who get together and organise learning sessions and social outings. Hope things improve for you. ~ Mel ~

Hi Dixie, I'm so sorry you are having a rotton time. I know exactly where you are coming from, my son is 20 and in a similar position. Just because they are classed as 'adults' doesn't mean they can suddenly become independent. Do you have any Social Services involvement who might help you with the application for PIP? Have you managed to fill in the form? When my son was 16 and had to re-apply for DLA, because he couldn't cope, I gave him the blank form to sign and then filled in the rest of the form myself. Would your son sign a piece of paper if you just put it in front of him? Could you explain to the assessment people that he refuses to attend and act as his representative? I know it is hard, my son also hates his AS and does not want to acknowledge it. We are currently applying for ESA and he has forms to fill out, which he can't cope with. He may have an assessment also. When it comes to jobs for yourself, I was in the same position two years ago. I'd been trying to look for work and after two years finally managed to get a part-time job, just 13 hours a week. On my CV I just put my previous work experience and then said something about being full-time carer for my son, who has autism. The gap in my CV did make it take longer to get work, but finally somebody did give me the chance and they will give you the chance too but it may take a while. I know what this life does to your self-esteem and sense of self-worth. I became very ill psychologically but feel much better about myself now that I can get out and do some work for a few hours a week and be myself. What about volunteering in a local charity shop for a couple of hours? At least it would get you out of the house and interacting with a few people and you might start to feel a bit more like yourself again. We certainly lose ourselves to autism and it takes time to get that confidence back. Is your son at college or is he also looking for work? Maybe he could also volunteer if he was willing? I bullied my son into volunteering and he doesn't really enjoy it but at least it's somewhere for him to go and something for him to do. I hope things start to improve for you soon. ~ Mel ~

Hi JuRo4, and welcome. I am in exactly the same position as yourself. My son is 20 and left a college course in November. We are in the process of applying for ESA, which is very stressful in itself, as you know. It is forcing him to face up to his problems, which he finds very difficult. He does acknowledge that he isn't ready for work but doesn't want to see his problems printed on paper. There is no way he would either cope with or succeed at an interview. He isn't ready to work full-time at all and is currently volunteering for a few hours a week in a charity shop. I am very fearful about the future, as I can see you are too, it is terrifying. Like your daughter, my son is totally dependent on me and his father and, although he is able in some ways, just doesn't have the communication or social skills to be able to function out there in the world at the moment. There is little on offer, it seems. I don't know where you are based, but it could be that there are some schemes locally to help your daughter develop the skills she will need to find work, although this sounds very easy and obviously is the total opposite! We are on the waiting list for a pilot scheme that finds placements for young people with A/S. They stay at each placement (unpaid mind you!) for five weeks to see how they get on and if they like it, and then try something else until they have gained enough experience/confidence to help them. They then help find permanent work for them. It all sounds good on paper, but I wonder if the reality will be as good. Have you tried Prospects? They have workshops where people go along twice a week to work in groups on interview skills/CV writing and stuff like that? We met with them but my lad wasn't ready to cope at the time so we are slowing down and will try it when he is ready. Would she be up to that do you think? I don't agree that she should not disclose her A/S to employers. I am with you, I think employers need to know of difficulties. There are many employers who actively seek people with disabilities and will always offer interviews to those with disabilities if they meet the job criteria, so at least they would have a chance. I got my lad to apply for a job at a new Sainsbury's that was being built in our town. He didn't want to disclose his A/S and, although he did get an interview, they said he didn't have the skills he needed (to pack shelves?!). I do believe that if he had disclosed his A/S they would have made more allowances for him and would have offered him a position. Good luck. I feel the same as you, the road seems never-ending. It feels worse now our son has left education. Before then, the 'future' seemed a long way away, but now the future is here and it seems to stretch ahead and we worry that little will change. ~ Mel ~

You did get two which you didn't acknowledge or comment on though! ~ Mel ~

We never went in for Father Christmas ourselves. I didn't like the idea of 'pretending' to him something that wasn't real, so we never tried to push the idea of Santa onto him. Again, we were criticized, some people in our family thought were were ruining his Christmas and not allowing him to enjoy being a child and enter into the magic of it, but it just wasn't something that he wanted or needed in his life. He much preferred what is real and to pretend to him would only confuse and upset him. ~ Mel ~

Hi Jeanne, glad Glen is still doing really well, long may it continue. It sounds like a good arrangement for you to go and visit him there, especially now that he is a lot closer to you. Could be that it would be good to carry on as you are for a good while longer and not rock the boat. I guess if it ain't broke, no need to fix. All the best for 2014 and hope your uncle is soon back to full health. ~ Mel ~

Hi, nice to meet you. It is pretty quiet on the forum at the moment what with Christmas and all, but do keep posting. Do you have any social groups near you that you could go to so that you can meet other people with autism? ~ Mel ~

Hi and welcome. ~ Mel ~

My lad has always found Christmas very difficult. He could not cope with not knowing what he was getting for Christmas. We started telling him what we had bought him and he was much happier with this and could then relax and look forward to getting his presents. His grandparents thought we were terrible telling him what presents he had, they used to accuse us of spoiling Christmas for him and spoiling the surprise. They didn't understand that it was the surprise that he couldn't cope with! He used to eat very poorly when he was younger and wouldn't eat any Christmas food. He used to have normal food on Christmas day, for example pizza. One year when he was about 14 or so we were at relatives for Christmas lunch. It was terrible. He couldn't eat any of the food they had made and sat in the other room on his own with a sandwich while we sat and ate our dinner. I felt terrible and could have cried. Now he is 20 and copes much better. The last two years he has had some 'normal' Christmas food so we can share a meal and he will have some of it. This year he had some turkey and gravy, some roast potatoes and carrots, stuffing balls and sausages. He even had a mince pie:) So things do get easier. ~ Mel ~

Yes, I think it would be a good idea to have a male helper in future. If you are someone who becomes dependant upon and overly attached to people, then having a female worker will ultimately lead to difficult feelings. Could be that you just become so fond of the people who work with you that these strong feelings become mixed up and turn into something that could be seen as inappropriate. At least if you have male helpers then you can be sure that this will not happen in future. Good luck with it. ~ Mel ~

Sounds like you have your hands full, tracey. Welcome back. My lad is 20 and also has AS, so will be nice to chat to you. ~ Mel ~

Hi Gold MD, I wouldn't dismiss internet dating sites personally. I know a lot of people who have had success with them, whether it be just finding like-minded people to date or more serious relationships. You have to be cautious, but I think there is a lot to be said for them. Also, your suggestion of joining interest groups is a good starting point for meeting people, including women. A lot of lonely people go to evening classes to make friends, and you never know what this could lead to. Good luck with it. ~ Mel ~

Lots of kids in general do, don't they? I think you have a tendency to generalize an awful lot about what AS kids do and do not like, if I may say so. Even if four or five parents say yes, what does that prove? ~ Mel ~

Good luck with it, I know it is a very worrying and stressful time for you. ~ Mel ~