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rufusrufus

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Everything posted by rufusrufus

  1. rufusrufus

    Shower

    Nowadays I prefer a shower because in a bath I'm more "exposed" to my own body, and in a shower I don't have to look at myself so much. I'm amazed that other people feel the same way as I do re. swimming, again, it's the lack of control that panics me. But I do love that incredible peacefulness under the water. It's a shame you have to come up to breathe, really!
  2. My goodness, you are doing so well! I feel the same way about recovery time - that I "shouldn't" need it, and I'm being lazy etc, but the fact is, I do need it, so I have to do lots of mental re-framing to persuade myself to do it! It is exhausting running a house, isn't it?! But you are doing really well, I'm glad you got to speak to your Mum, they must be home soon, I should think? Glad your girly night went well too
  3. Hi there. Here's a list of doctors who assess / diagnose adult females with AS, from Rudy Simone's website: http://help4aspergers.com/pb/wp_05797c6f/wp_05797c6f.html When I was looking into it, one place near me charged £300 for the assessment and the report they have to write, but that was the only place that explicitly stated the cost on their website, so I have no idea if that's the going rate, or higher, or lower. Best of luck!
  4. rufusrufus

    Shower

    As a child I HATED the shower, would scream and cry when my Mum washed my hair. Not only did I hate the water going in my eyes, but I hated the rest of my body feeling cold, and the sensation of Mum rubbing in the shampoo, and the smell of it, and it was cold on my head. I only recently got a dx of AS though so just had to get on with it. I still hate showering, but now it's got more to do with hating my body, but at least I'm in control of when I'm under the water. My chest still seizes up when I have to put my face under the shower though, I really have to steel myself to do it. I like what Merry said about introducing water play to reduce the fear. I would go very slowly with this though, and not push it too fast. Also, your child may be very quick to cotton onto your ulterior motive and resent it! From my work with children with special needs, there seem to be 2 lines of thought in things like this: 1 - if it's that traumatic, don't put them through it, if a viable alternative exists, (eg. bath instead of shower), just use that, 2 - Teaching your child that they can "opt out" of certain things means that when they are confronted with something in the "real" world that they can't avoid, they won't have learned any coping strategies, so are likely to totally meltdown, so it's better to keep working through these issues, although they're difficult. I still can't decide where I stand on it, to be honest! From my own experience, I wish my Mum had realised that I wasn't just kicking up a fuss to be awkward, I was genuinely absolutely terrified, and her "no nonsense, just get on with it" approach made it worse. Still, I don't blame her, you just do your best with what you have at the time. Best of luck, I hope you find a solution
  5. I looooove Turkish Apple Tea! Yum!!! You are doing really fantastically! Don't be too hard on yourself that you didn't do your full gym work out - being without your parents is bound to drain you mentally and emotionally, and that can make you really physically tired (speaking from experience, here!) so build in lots of recovery time around the things you need to do, like going to work etc. I think you're doing amazingly well, but I appreciate that it's hard. I hope you have a brilliant time tonight
  6. Lego, especially this "girly" version they did called "Paradisa". Scrabble A little board game called "Off To The Tower" - I can't really remember the point of it, but there was a tower, and I remember the box "Coppit" which was a bit like Ludo I think, but mostly I just liked the name, and the fact that the board was black - it was like staring into nothingness. Ker-plunk (but I didn't like the loud noise of the marbles dropping, and we used to get told off for playing it when Dad was on nights! ) CONNECT FOUR!!! That was awesome!!! Playmobil - endless, endless fun
  7. I like the idea of "it takes a whole village to raise a child" - so long as I had a village around me, I'd like to think I stood a chance of doing ok! But, being Aspie, I'm not always terribly good at keeping people around me. Certainly when I was trying to be a step-mum, I approached it very much in a scientific way: if you set down these rules, the children will behave in this way, and then everything will be fine, but it's much more complicated than that, and my brain just couldn't work out contingency plans etc for when things didn't go how I thought they should! The kids zoned in on how vulnerable I was, despite the "I know what I'm doing" front I tried to put on, and they went for the proverbial jugular. Yeah, so fingers crossed it'd be different with my own child!
  8. In some ways, a work environment with kids is easier, because you get to give them back at the end of the day! In a school / nursery or whatever, there's structure and rules, you're there for a practical purpose, whereas being a parent / step-parents is lot more vague - everyone has their own ways of doing things, routines etc, and it's open-ended. You have day after day of finding stuff to do with the kids, there's no let up, no break, no saying "it's not my problem" when things go wrong, because it is our problem! I think it's possible to love a child that's not your own, lots of people do adopt, foster or take on step-children and genuinely love them, but for me, I'd panic that I'd never feel for them the way I'm "supposed" to - whatever that is! In my analytical brain, what's to stop me from waking up one morning and thinking "Oh... this isn't what I want, I don't love this child any more, I want out." In fact I even worry about that when considering having my own children. There's supposed to be this strong biological link between a mother and her child, but what if it just doesn't happen for me? That terrifies me. I hope and pray that if I had a baby, that bond would be there, and it would eclipse everything else, but part of me always says "What if?" - it's a big gamble to take, when I could really mess up a child if the gamble doesn't pay off. I guess the concept of love (be it parental love of romantic love) is so built up in the NT media, that I don't know if I'm even capable of feeling that way, or if my unique Aspie version of love would be adequate or enough. Do I struggle to feel love etc? Well I've only known for sure that I'm Aspie for a short while, so before that I didn't realise that my perception of love could be different from an NT's. Looking back over my life, I seem to fall in love hard and fast. Mixed in with the love though, is a sense of gratitude, because I tend to feel like no-one would want me if they knew the "real" me, so I end up being a total doormat! Heh. It is hard to find a balance between wanting, loving and needing someone. I think I'm getting better at recognising the differences, but it's still really hard. If someone is nice to me, I want them around, and start to feel like I need them in order to feel good about myself. That's not the same as love, but often it's easier to stay with someone than be on your own :s With me, I never know how much of what I feel is genuine, and what's coloured by depression, anxiety, and now Asperger's. I have no idea if what I feel is similar to anything a NT person would experience, or someone who doesn't suffer from depression and anxiety. I often feel numb though and can't switch my feelings on, everything's just grey and I just have no interest in anything or anyone. I always thought that was the depression though. I guess the difference between your own child and another is that strong biological bond that exists because that child has grown inside you. A big part of me would really like my own children one day, honestly I would, but at the moment I just can't convince myself that I'd be good enough. Don't feel too sad for me though, I learned a lot about myself from that experience, a lot of valuable lessons!
  9. It sounds like you're having an awesome time Well done, you
  10. rufusrufus

    Hi!

    I have AS, myself, but last year I struggled to get help for my partner's child, who has EBD, so I can empathise with your trying to get help and getting brow-beaten! It can be a total nightmare But hey, we are here to offer support
  11. My goodness, you've been so busy!!! Well done you! I know you want to do your parents proud, and I reckon they'll be proud of you just for trying to cope without them, even if you come unstuck. Asking for help / support isn't the same as failing (it took me a looooooong time to learn this!) so I think you're doing really well
  12. Not as far as I'm aware. My partner is on Job Seeker's though, and sometimes he has to go to a group thing, I think it's advice about preparing for job interviews, things like that, I'm not really sure though. The WRAG just means that you have been classed as "able to partake in work-related activity" - this means that you might not be able to hold down a 9-5, full time job, but there is some potential for being able to carry out some kind of work.
  13. I think this is a really interesting topic. I think (after a lot of thought) that it is entirely possibly to be a wonderful parent, and have Asperger's. Well, I think this in theory, however, I have a fairly low opinion of myself, and would worry hugely that I, myself, wouldn't handle it. I would desperately hope that if I had a child "everything would fall into place" and that my maternal instincts would help me overcome the hurdles of the necessary social interaction, Mums in the playground type stuff I'd have to encounter if I had a child, but I'm absolutely terrified that I would fall short and ruin my child. I also had a long period of resenting my parents for acknowledging that they both had several instances of mental illness in their family histories (not that AS is a mental illness, this is more concerned with my depression and anxiety) and they still went on and had children, seemingly not caring that they could pass on those genes to their children. On my bad days, I still resent my brother and sister for not being the ones the "bad genes" were passed onto. But I know it's not just about inheriting genes, it's which ones are expressed etc etc, and in the end, it's a roll of the dice. I thought my parents selfish for having children, but I now believe that you can have children with 101 mental / physical illnesses, and they can still live a fulfilled life, or you can have a "perfect on paper" child, whose life is entirely miserable. I also, last year, had a go at being a step-parent, foolishly thinking that the skill-set needed for biological parenthood would be the same as being a step-parent. I now believe this not to be true. For my partner, whatever abhorrant things his children ever did, fundamentally, he would always love them, but for me, that primal, biolgical "protect my offspring" instinct wasn't there, and this really upset me and made me very sad, and jealous, actually, that I couldn't feel it, no matter how much I wanted to, for his and their sakes.
  14. rufusrufus

    Hi!

    Hi, and best of luck with your seeking a diagnosis and getting support. We'll help however we can, even if it's just a weak attempt at making you smile after a really rubbish day
  15. Cool, it is all really confusing though, I think!
  16. Hey Joanne, sorry I missed your comment before, I'm glad you can relate, too - it's a great feeling isn't it?
  17. I know: blah blah love, blah from above. Blah blah cried, blah inside etc etc
  18. Awesome! I hope it all goes well for you! You can always ask us stuff on here too, if you get in a muddle, but it sounds like you have wonderful support around you, anywa. It's great to hear you are planning another social night with your school friends, I hope it goes well
  19. Sorry, this wasn't for the ATOS capability for work assessment, it was Job Centre appointments. I was put in the Work Related Activity Group after the ATOS assessment. First I applied for ESA, which I was granted, and the GP signed a sick note because of my depression and anxiety. Then after 8-12 weeks (I think) I had to have the ATOS assessment. The result of the assessment was that I am capable of work related activity. Because of this I have to see an advisor at the job centre every few months, although she understands that I'm not ready to actually work yet. She acknowledges that I'm making an effort to engage with the outside world, and that's the first step. I next ATOS assessment is next year, 12 months after the last one. Hope that clears it up The whole system baffles me, to be honest! I struggle to find my way through it
  20. That sounds really productive, I really hope they can help you It's good that the Wellbing Team are based at the dr's surgery as it's a familiar place for you. Best of luck with it
  21. Firstly, don't apologise for rambling on I really feel for you. I also suffer with despression and anxiety and have had crisis team intervention several times. Personality disorders, bipolar etc were considered, and Asperger's wasn't even thought of until I suggested it (although a family friend always knew, apparantly!). I think it's really amazing that you're working so hard to try to get your brother this support. Wow. Trying to access support is like wading through a quagmire, blindfolded with your hands tied behind your back. It's a total nightmare. It does sound like your job will be harder though, if your brother only feels he can accept help when he's really struggling. It can be quite harrowing to realise that you're not the fully functioning person you try so hard to be, so I feel for both him and you. So, what advice can I give? Knowledge is power, and you sound like you're pretty well informed, it sounds like you need someone to help kick butt! Do you have a local Citizen's Advice Bureau? And have you looked at the Benefits and Work website? That's just off the top of my head, but there might be some advocacy advice on there. I have found that with GP's, you have to be VERY explicit and challenge them in order to get anywhere. For example, I have a history of eating disorders and could feel myself slipping back into old habits, so went to GP asking for referral to Eating Disorders service. The (junior) doctor said "I think you are just conscious of what you're eating, that's healthy". In the end I had to say "are you telling me that you are refusing to refer me for this help?". She backtracked and said she'd speak to a senior dr, and I was referred the next day. As far as no services being available, although no official services are available, you might find local support groups that the powers that be aren't aware of. Do you think your brother could / would access them though? Have you / he applied for DLA? Sorry, my brain's a bit fuzzy right now, I don't know how helpful this post is, sorry! If I think of anything more coherent to say I'll come back later, though hopefully someone else will have some advice for you soon. Take care
  22. Aww Tsukimi, I relate on the bad few days, I hope you pick up soon. Motley is gorgeous!! It's great he's in tune with you. Owen's not really that fussed about me, but he can be bribed for cuddles Sugar gliders sounds awesome! And the AFT! I used to have Yemen chameleons, an iguana and a beardy. They were so cool, especially the iggy.
  23. Ok good, I'm glad I wasn't patronising It is all really stressful, isn't it? I feel for you. If you could face another phone call, could you phone ESA people and ask if the appointment could be conducted over the phone? If not, have you got someone who could go with you? I also experience depression and anxiety, and after I burst into tears after having to wait in the Job Centre waiting room for 30mins, the nice lady said she'd try to do as many of my appointments over the phone as possible That was before I got my AS diagnosis. My support worker phoned her last week to update her and tell her about my diagnosis and she said that I would have been due an appointment in October, but because of the diagnosis, she now doesn't need to see me until after Christmas. I'm not sure what logic lies behind that (if any) but I'm not going to argue with it! She also said "Ohhhhh, no wonder she got so upset waiting all that time!" ....well actually I think most people would get a bit upset waiting all that time, but anyway, I'll let that go, she's trying to understand Good luck with everything.
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