Gold MD

Is it really necessary to filter out every curse word?

Sometimes, I hate my physical looks too. I am thin and wear glasses. I find it hard to be a part of something.

Um, I don't even know how to answer this.

Yes, don't wait. Give it a try.

Can you ask for an expert opinion? A GP could refer you. I don't think it's all that uncommon to have more than one mental health issue concurrently.

I find fellow autistic people feel the pain of other autistic people better than most NT people do. Like, I get accused of making everything worse by how I react when I get screwed by others, but it only serves as ammunition to the bad guys to those that shoehorned me in the first pathetic instance. Basically a "bad guy" is a social worker, corrupt 'law enforcers' and the judges of our country who never practice what they preach.

My IQ is probably higher than my support staff's. Well, former support staff. Having autism does not make me a moron.

Yeah. There is nothing worse than being shafted by your so-called mates, "carers" and whoever else you are supposed to trust. You sound like you got off by the skin of your teeth there, man. Even my own mother betrayed me once. Who the hell can you turn to when the s*** hits the fan? From my experience - nobody! Last year when I had contacted those ladies again at the end of August just to say sorry, I was out all night and stood outside her front door on the tiles feeling scared. But I only went in her house briefly (where I was bailed to, to use the loo) and eventually when it was daylight, she coaxed me into going into the park and waiting in the bowling green as the exit in that bit of the park is too far away, as it has railings all around. She had called the pigs on me, but I never knew that. There came a car, as well as a van. They had me surrounded. The next day in court, I ended up going back to jail for 17 days, after having already been remanded in there for 14 days just a few weeks before that. Her excuse was that I could not hide from them forever. She also knew how tired I was, but I had nowhere to go, at all. I had no money. She reckons she did the right thing, but you will never fully trust anyone again who does something like that during a crucial moment. To be honest, I have never forgave her for that act of betrayal. My problem is I am kind of stuck at hers for now, until I can get another flat, as I absolutely will not be able to go back to the supported one now, having been tricked by that Catherine cow. DTA: Don't Trust Anybody. Live and swear by that motto, please. I suppose jail was not that bad for me. It really all comes down to how you will pass the time in there. The last thing you can do is have a breakdown in a place like that. If you get someone nice to share a cell with, you are considered to be one of the lucky few. So I was lucky, but one time I was not fortunate and was attacked. It just goes to show the "System" here in the UK is all balls.

Even if I could have gone back to that flat, without everything being back to how it was before all this happened, I think it would just make me feel miserable being there. Then again, I will probably have to put up with the misery and added loneliness in another flat, wherever I end up next. At least in that flat there, I had staff to run to pretty much all the time to sound off to, if I needed to complain about how much my life sucks. Rarely were people there that understanding. They are supposed to be running another snooker tournament soon, and a pool one. I went to the snooker tournament in May last year and finally won the Number 6 cup, but then I had to miss the one in October. I was the reigning champion, but it was my nerves. I was up half the night feeling agitated and would have had to have gotten up early, and I for the first time ever, had to skip that event. I have chronic anxiety these days. Every day now, I just feel so bland and nothing good happens. I feel angry a lot too. I find it hard to sleep during ordinary hours and I crave sweet foods and chilled coffee drinks. I often wake up in the middle of the night, then go to bed around 6 PM. Rinse and repeat. All I do is comfort eat and go online. Sometimes, I play my music. I find that keeps me happy sometimes, but I feel sad others. I heavily depended on them, but whoosh, what do you know? They do not care. My mate Scott who lives upstairs in that accommodation is on the verge of giving up with obtaining a social life. He has said to me on the phone before that he would rather die than be here, as he reckons his life started to go bad when he lost his sister to cancer and then his mother to diabetes. He feels women just play silly games and everybody else is full of it. He has been in jail before as well. He once tried to burn down a flat he was in, due to stress. This was years ago before I met him. He has been arrested for throwing rubbish bags out of his window. He was arrested on a Friday once and held in the police station until Tuesday due to a bank holiday Monday, so that was bound to have really sucked. All they do when I call the office now is fob me off, or try to change the subject if it is Joanna-Sara related talk as usual. It is OK for them to act like they cannot be bothered with me since I am not there any longer. They are having to hear about it, but they never suffered going to jail and all the rest of it. They can say my outbursts were what caused all that to happen all they want, but it was their lies and games that sparked it off in the first place. Unfortunately, I don't think an advocate could really do much to try to get that decision about my tenancy reversed and it seems the court do not care about me either. I'm just the bad guy in their eyes for wanting my workers and I to be in unity again, after all the pointless lying and mishaps. I do not regret meeting Sara De Las Heras, but now I just feel like maybe it would have been better not to have met her. Now I will spend the rest of my days feeling awful.

What's with the poem? My and M's issues *ARE* very real, and serious.

At the same time, it isn't right to just sit there and have the child / young person suffer. 'M' didn't name the person. If the person is talking to her, it's because she was in need of the help. These social workers and all them types are just snitching con artists. Plus, there are actually a lot of Samaritans that just listen to a phone caller and nothing else. At least 'M' here was doing more to help. The people that were paid to "help" me have just gone and kicked me out of my own God darn flat, after I was in it for 3 years and was anxiously waiting to get back inside of it. Only, they tricked me, again. All they do is lie to me. They are very adept at exploiting me at every turn. They made out I had rent arrears and while I did have some debt issues, they were not my concern. There are employed staff which includes seniors, working in flat 1 at the accommodation. They should have did more to sort that out as I could not even reside there due to the bail terms, and the court case being deferred for reports and because I continued to mess up. So I called up the place that deals with the housing benefits to learn the rent money was paid up to January. Of course, I had already signed what was, a plain bit of paper not knowing that at the time and I was clearly duped. Should that even count? A white bit of paper! They knew lying about my workers was wrong, yet they did it anyway. That is why I blew up and lashed out in the first place. These higher-ups came to see me in jail once and admitted it was wrong. Yet even after I went back to that prison a second time and all these other incidents have occurred, resulting in me being arrested, they still refuse to take any responsibility and give me a chance. I cannot put my points across to the court for a second chance if the company will not even try to meet me halfway. Surely if we all made up, the court would see that, but all the Edinburgh based Autism Initiatives and Catherine Steedman do is mess me around, play with my emotions and break my heart again and again. As it is, these ladies (Joanna and Sara) are now very scared of me and I never even wanted them to turn against me. Basically, all I want is my freaking life back. The court taken hold of me just makes the head directors feel all the more better off, because they know if I act abusive again or contact these women, go near where they live or whatever, I will get locked up again because the court are on their side. The 5 years non harassment order means they are gone, well and truly, the complete opposite of what I wanted, but that unfortunately has just become the harsh reality of it all now because that company could not "handle things property" at the time all this junk started, because I had feelings for the women and they took them well away from me. I am not even sure if an advocate could help me sort them out legally. Because I wrote my signature down, that is proof that I "agreed" to it. I could say Cathy coaxed me into it, but trying to prove it is pretty much not going to be possible.

You write very well. And I agree with everything you said. Neurotypical people cannot see the wood for the trees. Mess up unintentionally, and they make your life miserable. Personally, I want to be able to freely chat to people, normal or not, autistic or not, without worrying they will spill the beans over something I said. Unfortunately however, they have to speak up if they are a care worker, in case like you said, it puts their jobs at risk. That is really all they look out for. Sometimes, I think I will always be alone. Having lost my workers and my home now, I feel as if I wasted years on the wrong sort of people. All I wanted was to hang in with people like them, because I "did not have a life" and then they turned on me for trying to get all personal with them. It did not help that I have poor impulse control as it is and started to get argumentative, creepy and obsessive. But they got the ball rolling on that. When they "stole" Joanna and Sara from me then lied, it seemed like they hardly cared about the outcome it would have on me. Yes. They get paid to be nice and do what you want to do, but I wonder if they are just fake. My problem is that I try to hang in with them way too quickly right after meeting them, without knowing what they are really like. I had one male worker take advantage of me years ago and pretend he knew this Laura, whom I was quite infatuated with. The problem is, he was a nice guy in person, but behind my back, it was a different story. He sent me emails using an alias. You probably know that from my previous posts. My sister has not seen her eldest son in ages. Her ex's parents have him in their care. They spread all this stuff about her and she got punished hard. Since they are retired now, they have all the time there is to look after Arran (the boy's name) and none of the family have seen him in long enough a time. It is so bad now. Her lawyer dumped her because things got too heated. My sister actually grew to like her solicitor, but that is all they are - solicitors. But it is not good if the case has gone on for so many years and my sister is losing the war. I don't really know how to advise others who find themselves in similar situations to us. Just that perhaps the key thing to do is take part in more group activities with AS or some other disability related groups, and I don't know where to look for a romantic partner either, but there are a few dating sites for people on the spectrum. It seems like everything we do though is more of a miss than a hit.

I first went to the Autism Initiatives run Number 6 One Stop Shop in Edinburgh for my diagnosis in 2007. The doctor there was quite arrogant, and they eventually just had to say I have PDD-NOS because I was not displaying many AS signs to them. So I am assuming that is like the 'B' category. I had outreach support from them from 2008 up to 2014 when I ended it of my own accord. Honestly, I won't have any more involvement with them after what they did to me. They let out accommodation run by a university and I have just been duped into signing away my tenancy. Due to a court matter, I was last there in July. Then I did two stints in prison. I do need support. I get lonely and I like having someone there when I feel anxious, and this is affecting me a lot of the time, sadly. But I will excuse myself from A.I. now. I have major sensory issues. I rub my skin and face a lot. It is quite dirty and I do this skin rubbing incessantly. I also bite and chew my nails a lot and do similar funny habits like digging wax out of my ears. Sometimes, I hate doing these things. They are considerable obscure, yet I know it is just a comfort thing and a compulsion, so I do not beat myself up about it anymore.

Well, I could go to another group for support and maybe just request to work with men so that the infatuation risk is no longer there. The trouble is, they would probably get to find out about all the nonsense that went on with A.I. and so it would not feel like a fresh start. Like you, M, I have gave up trusting support / social workers altogether. Ain't nothing worse than the baggage one has accumulated coming with them to some new, ideally happier environment, because those in power spread your business around like wildfire. It should be up to the individual what information they divulge to others, but they claim they need to know certain facts. As if. I'd love to get a flat somewhere else now and just chill out for a while. I don't think I'd like it to be a permanent chilling out period. I would get lonely. Just that right now, I feel burned out, tired and angry. You know why. Losing my flat after losing my workers and getting a 5 years non harassment order totally blows.

Too right. What that Autism Initiatives put me through has damaged my confidence, a lot. Now they are just trying to cover their asses. Too bad about my flat as well. I liked that flat. I had been in it since 2011. They clearly have no morals if they tricked me into signing away my tenancy because of my emotional state, otherwise called manipulation. The rent problem is not even that bad so they had a cheek using that as yet another exploitable excuse to use against me, just like everything else. I called the place that deals with the H.B. and it appears I may have been duped. Then after I told this Cathy that I still wanted to live there and get the rent issue rectified, she said she had already signed away the lease to stop any debt, with immediate effect. What a tart. I've been royally screwed over by that company. That does wonders for my confidence. Not! I was never that confident anyway. I also nearly have panic attacks in shops. I get adrenaline rushes and it causes me to become anxious. I'm not sure how to halt this anxiety. It also prevents me from going anywhere far away. It looks like I will be stuck feeling crappy for quite some time. Unfortunately, my good friend is upstairs in that accommodation. That is why it was good being there. And I am still probably going to be banned from that street after the court case is over. That is because Sara and Joanna use flat 1 to work in. Gee. I have to lose my flat of 3 plus years, all because of them. I also don't really go to Number 6 any longer. I used to go infrequently in the past, but since it is associated with that A.I. company, it is hard to go in there now. http://number6.org.uk/

Like M says, I think self-help groups with fellow aspies is better, because a lot of NT people do not understand us, as I come to learn from being screwed over by these so-called "professionals" that could not even be honest about my support workers not working with me anymore. I've never been in Number 6 for quite a while. It is in Edinburgh and they run all kinds of groups. I kind of started to give up on the thought of a social life due to anxiety. I've found it hard just going in Tesco at night to buy a milkshake. Social events can be scary because you are often interacting with strange people.

Yeah. It seems they are not wanting me going back there and sure, the rent issues are an issue that needs to be sorted out, but I think they would rather I was not living there. I have wanted an advocate so badly for ages, but the problem is they cannot be involved while a trial is still running. This case continues because I keep getting angry and they need to have me going back again and again. A solicitor (or lawyer) is still a legal advocate, but I meant I needed somebody from an advocacy rights post to help me complain about how I was treated. Already, my mother is looking at other lets online. But if it was possible, I would have rather just "had my life back" with all the workers I miss. Sadly, that will never happen unless hell freezes over.

Like pretty much anything really, if the first film, book, game or whatever is initially a success, they end up churning out sequels and eventually, side stories and anything that rakes in the money. Harry Potter was a best selling book, so naturally, a film of it had to be green-lit eventually. Sometimes, sequels being made one after another can be a bad thing. Take Resident Evil for example. For a good amount of years, it was hardly a horror series any longer despite the original title being a classic game in the 'survival horror' category. It was getting to the point where the zombies were getting removed in place of newer enemy designs and the franchise was becoming more like action, with only trace elements of horror remaining. They understood this was annoying a lot of the long time fans, though, and Capcom are working so hard to rejuvenate things.

It was through my autism I got involved with Autism Initiatives. And really, before I was screwed over by them, my life was relatively OK. It wasn't great, but now I feel as if I have lost everything. That really has nothing to do with my autism as such, and all to do with not getting helped for my impulsive nature. These darn support people are only in this for the money. If you get bright ideas about being friendly with them there, they lie and take them well away from you.

The ass. director of Autism Initiatives knows that the council stopped paying my rent, which caused a real messy situation. I've not been in my flat since 28 July due to what occurred with two of my former female support workers and because flat 1 is an office, the court did not permit me to be there. So I've been living with my family for ages per my bail instructions. However, I felt like I had no choice other than to surrender my flat. But was there another way? I've already been in prison on remand and I have been arrested for going on Facebook and sending the ladies messages. Nobody notified the council that I had NOT moved out. Was this a deliberate thing on their part, perhaps? The court intend to have me electronically tagged to keep a check on my whereabouts. This to me clearly means I *COULD NOT* go back there for quite some time in any case, as there would be at least in my view, no purpose to tagging me should I have gone back to residing there. And since it could in fact make me feel awkward being there again, I signed the lease away. I will miss my flat and I will always certainly miss those workers. But really, what was I supposed to do? I was shafted. Did the ass. director perhaps persuade me to give up my lease? She asked me to write my agreement on some paper, in case my "word" was gone back on. I feel sad.

There are times I wish I did not have autism, myopia, anxiety, and my court case. But where does wishing get us?

Try meetup.com, for setting up a group. You will have to pay a monthly fee, but it isn't much.

As long as it's not Autism Initiatives.