Hi all my name is Julian I'm 23 from Oxford, I hope that I'm posting this in the right place. To explain why I'm here I myself do not have Aspergers but my current partner exhibits many characteristics of having Aspergers, although not diagnosed he has spoken with people who work for scope who have said that they felt he does suffer from Aspergers and to speak with his GP. We are our in a fairly recent relationship but we are somewhat invested in it, he is 21 years of age just graduated university and currently looking for work. Since graduating he has been forced to move back home, meaning that we are now separated by an hours travel each way. This is in itself is not an issue, but it does cause issues. But prior to this we saw each other daily and although we had problems they seem to have become worse with the distance. This weekend we finally hit rock bottom having had a blazing row, over what I consider to be trivial things. The argument started over communication and the fact I feel there is a lack of it. I do my best to accommodate his needs when it comes to communication but I feel that not even being able to send a few simple text messages throughout the day with out getting my head ripped off is a step to far. I love him and care deeply for him and one of my ways of expressing this is by communicating and expressing an interest in his daily life in this manor amongst other things. He states that this leaves him feeling claustrophobic and unable to cope, I have now stopped messaging him throughout the day and only message me when he is ready to talk but this leaves me feeling slightly sad and empty inside, but I am willingly to deal with this. One of the big issues is he need for space and that he can't be around people for long periods of time, it concerns me that in doing this he is pushing people away who are trying to be there and help and support him and that one day when he most needs them they will not be there. But this is also adding a stress to our relationship as I would like to spend more time together than we currently are, I am also struggling to understand his reasoning for this, to me this is a completely alien concept. He also has an obsession with Pokemon cards and this itself is not an issue its the fact that they can if left to his own devices over take more important things such as finding a job or actually doing some of the small work he has already. I feel that I am having to parent him on the issue of priories and I know this is something that many people feel in relationships with someone who does suffer with Aspergers, but I need to find a way in which to manage this without offending, patronising or being condescending.
But right now my biggest concern is his habit of putting his friends first and relying on them being there for him, I'm all for that to a degree, but I feel as they are uni friends and they have all gone there separate ways and started life in the real world, they see each other rarely and I'm concerned that he will always become reliant on them as form of comfort blanket and then one day without him noticing they won't be there anymore. I really want to be with him and will do what ever I can to help him and support him, as I said I have stopped the texting despite how this makes me feel, but as for the rest and in general terms of making our relationship function I feel like I've hit a stumbling block as he is not able to guide me to making changes and so I have become desperate to find ways in which to make it easier for both of us which is why I am now here. I'm sorry for my ramblings, but I need help to make it work. This is a guy that makes me feel like no one else ever has and it is worth going to such lengths for. So any advice I really would appreciate, as I'm struggling and this upsets me tremendously hence the arguments. Regards, Julian
