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Mr Salvador

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Everything posted by Mr Salvador

  1. wow so they are really taking their time now with this! I sent them more details of a friend from school days who I found on facebook who says he remembers the starring thing and other social ineptities, so all good however the bad bit is that apparently leeds diagnostic service is moving to another building so basically they haven't got round to it yet! how satisfying it must be to move to a shiny new building. the apparently modern curved wood alternative that they made with expoxy bonded lapboards was splitting when I went and couldn't take my mind off the imminent danger present from the poorly weatherproofed system that they obviously thought looked good, but spent no time thinking about the longevity of the design! that made me angry now it is making me angry that he is saying that they are too busy to do my assessment?! If my partner were here she would say that anxiety is clouding my perception of the situation, but am I not right? I told them again she doesn't have much patience for my mood swings and I need to get back into work but the stress of this assessment dragging out is really getting to me. it seems that now I have been honest with myself and admitted a spectrum disorder, I am now, even more so, resentful of 'trying to fit in' in regards to co-working with NT work'mates'. I mean there are often people who talk to me, but it seems when in technical assembly jobs, people on the 'shop floor' don't want me to be excellent at my job. they say it makes them look bad. and my lack of understanding, and ability to 'affect', the underlying social structures of who's been there the longest etc, leaves me in a situation where I am in and out of jobs often leading to being worse off than on benefits and caused problems with work confidence. now that I have time to ponder the benefits of diagnosis I am now realising that waiting for work related support has caused me a mental pause about the situation. I think I have become fond of the realising that I could start a job and keep it with union support if I should have a meltdown at work or become a target of intense bullying from collegues as I was in my last job. I think I would prefer to wait, but my partner thinks otherwise. and regardless of what she perhaps 'should' be doing or thinking at this time. I have to be aware that I am currently reliant on her and she doesn't like that, so I need to do something about work... so I have to risk it all again, just as my anxiety levels were calming and things at home are starting to relax. I have to put myself under the pressure of attempting to be perceived as 'normal' in order to get money into the household to help pay bilss and coming festivities. (in this household this year apparently it will be Yule!?) any, once again I digress. so if the diagnostic centre have had my aunties response and phone call and they confirmed to me that no appointment had been made, did they not have enough information from her? or are they waiting because I messaged them to say I had found a school friend for witness? regardless. I am trying hard not to allow my stress to be seen at home so I am not kicked out before the growingly important diagnosis can give me 'options' [in proverbial context only] fingers crossed (for) everyone!
  2. I have found an aspie friendly FE college that does things related to my special interests im hoping my diagnosis will help me onto this course and I will be able to correct my mistake in not asking for the laptop assistance and for other support in regards to sensory overloads and the meltdown scenario which I suffer often in the workplace. I am excellent at building and fixing machinery but fail when melting down when co-workers tell me to slow down im making everybody else look bad! I don't get that, and end up falling out with people for being lazy! all I want is a job so I work my best obviously and teams of NT's don't think the same obviously! cant believe I got sacked for being too good, they always say 'the face don't fit' hopefully I will find a scenario where I can be excellent at fixing things and not upset lower IQ NT's around me the course I want to do is 'land based engineering' so one day I can fix tractors, in the countryside open air, on my own with farmer giles happy that im getting him working again, and not making him look bad! for that I need my diagnosis so I can get support. this time I will not let worry about meltdowns stop me. even if its not aspie friendly uni there are still nurses and medical staff who you can go to, they might be able to de-escalate? I foten missed lectures because of meltdowns but if I am luck enough to go back I will make sure I have plans set out also, I would guess that having a friend who knows might help
  3. hi, I went to uni. before I became aware of my condition I might add for me it was a way out of homelessness at the time but I got on with it quite well it is about self learning and if you go to do your subject of interest you shouldn't find the workload hard at all you can wait till your moments of clarity and genius and do the work then, and if/when you have a meltdown the student union is always open and people are always drinking. at my uni there was a mainstream bar/club for the norm-ski's and there was a smaller bar for the 'alternate' people. such as goths, skater's, geeks, foreigners and as it turned out, at least one aspie. people seemed to be less judgemental of 'alternate' behaviours sometimes I had sensory overload issues, although I didn't know the term back then. I know drink and drugs are not exactly recommended but I did ok until the end my understanding of the coursework was fine but my issues with dyslexia brought my average down at the final exams as I was stuck in a room I didn't know at the town hall with pen and paper and failed most of the finals due to that. im fine with computers but pena and paper is like 'double dutch' to me and got 1's and 4's out of 15 when my coursework was all 9-12 out of 15 I thought my only issue was dyslexia and was too foolish and didn't go for the assessmen for laptop assistance in the finals when I could have scored a 2:1 quite easily my advice to you is KNOW your strengths and weaknesses, and ASK for help where you are weaker. NEVER be too proud or scared or foolish to not seek help. make the most of the money you spend to garuantee a stable worklife when you finish. Also, if you have family and friends, make the most of them too. I feel if I had family support I might have got the laptop I needed to do my finals and wouldn't have been homeless again after uni! forget about sociality, concentrate on your chosen subject and never let anything beat you ever! help show the world that we are not 'disabled' just 'different'! :-) peace and blessings ally
  4. I am also high functioning and socially unaware I find discussing things with people on here helps. everyone here seems to have similar but slightly different problems and experiences but generally are very nice and supportive
  5. thanks fr that. im sure she will understand, as long as I don't mess up bigtime im hoping if she still loves me when shes that old then she will understand. however, most adults I try to explain to explain to don't understand. they hear 'autistic' spectrum disorder and get things mixed up with true (and severe) 'autism' and say "no, you're not that" and just dismiss it completely my dad was also like that and I never really considered he might be on the spectrum, I just thought it was from before him but in heinsight maybe he was. he liked spending most of his time by himself when he wasn't shouting or lashing out. I guess he also had some special interests I have reason to suspect my gf has FTAS although she just thinks she has an anxiety disorder and OCD I just said it. I guess I have have mixed ability when it comes to empathy. I can understand that you must be either confused or afraid of telling him what you think? maybe he also has a temper? but at least I do not seem to think about how people might feel before I say things like that. I just said it. people often are offended when I speak without thinking like that. but that's just me you obviously have a high level of empathy as you always felt like he didn't love you, but now you understand and have forgiven him, maybe you can help him to understand himself better? it might be the re-making of your relationship, however it does have its risks so you should weigh them up carefully before proceeding down that route thanks for the reassurance. one of my issues is never knowing really if people like me. and she doestell me a llot that she loves me, unprovoked I might add. I guess maybe the time inbetween when I see her I start to worry that one day she will choose not to come anymore. my gf says I need to be more firm with her, but I want her to enjoy herself when she comes to me and learn things too. I don't think its worth causing trouble for a 3 yr old dropping some food on the floor, I guess there are differences in parenting choice that I find hard processing properly. logic I process in seconds but decisions that involve choice or emotion I struggle with and it sets off my anxiety, which then lead my gf to want to go elsewhere when I have my daughter here, which in turn causes me more anxiety because it makes me feel she doesn't care about me enough to engage with my daughter days which then in turn makes me angry at myself that I need to rely on partners so much in daily life and that maybe ive moved 100 miles away from bambina to be with somebody who cant be bothered to do that which makes me happy even though she expects me to do everything on her list before she will show me any affection (which I guess I might yearn from her having some issues, at least previously, with adhd) wow that was a rant, sorry I got caught in a tangent then so apart from that she made me go to a party a bbq and her sister and brother were talking about their cousin who has Aspergers and referring to him as a 'spakka' persistently! grr. presumeably they hadn't been told about me then. I just walked inside to get some food so perhaps she could bring them into the loop, but even though I didn't expect that sort of offense when I was doing so well even going there, not really knowing anyone, and the purpose being to meet her brother for the first time too. I took my PRN and I guess I didn't react but she kept on asking if im ok all the time. what am I meant to say then that's not going to reel off into one of my uncontrollable rants?! oh dear im doing it again. got to go do my thing now thanks for the support Georgia, I have the feeling one day I will explain to bambina in Chinese. she is so smart. I never cried in my adult life until I realised how smart she is, not even the day she was born, I guess that feeling is pride. they say pride is a sin but I think that only refers to the self. bambina is the love in my heart and I just need to get my diagnosis so I can get stability in my life so I can be there for me if she needs me without relying on women who might not be fully committed to my best interests process your risk assessment for the convo with your dad suitably. if the prognosis is that he might be receptive and he wont be aggressive, then surely there is only everything to gain from the sharing. however only you know his response and if he wont take it well you may be wise to wait for more support, from other family members perhaps in a suitably 'me' and undeniably 'religious-neutral' fashion, may 'the force' be with us all x
  6. thanks I do try to let her teach me, I get so far doing the tea and cooking set she has, and do ok when everything is 'as is', its just when she goes off track and talks about the egg being a plate and the spoon is a knife that I get hung up. she says 'oh daddy you cant pretend, you're such a grown up!' I want to teach her everything I know, but im aware that she may not want to learn as I did? I just cant comprehend fortelling what she wants me to do with her? if I teach her maybe im leading her away from her own persuits or only teaching her half of what she needs to learn being only the logical and scientific parts. not social? or maybe if I let her do things her own way all the time she will be a handful later and out of control or what? I mean I know there should be boundaries in bringing up children but I don't understand what I am to impose on her? I guess I only learnt from my parents how 'not' to bring up children, which is obviously not helpful, and that I have issues understanding social norms myself, I therefore only have a few learnt behaviours regarding parenting I can reply on, having watched other people now for many years I have learnt a few tricks for bringing up my child, however my judgment isn't always right and I do get angry and I do have problems going places which I am told she is learning so I am worried that my influence on her isn't as good as it should be is this just confusion or is any of it coming across? knowing that NT's think differently, and having experience of the diffrences, doesn't necessilarily mean that my brain will, at the time, be able to process the difference that I would have to notice to understand that her thoughts may be different from mine when one of the problems I have is not being able to see how people think differently to me when I have processed a situation and see it 'my way is the only way'...I see that 'that' moment when AS is making me not see things anyone else's way is the moment that I will make a thinking error regarding the right thing to do at the time in 'her' benefit, which could have reprocussions for her future in relation to some other of my posts, the thing my brain does when I get anxiety is trying to play the 'time game' trying to enact or avoid future events by following back time threads, which I worry about now more since she was taken away by her mother to live separately from her daddy. She will learn social factors from her mother and will growingly see her dads issues every two weeks when she comes to see me. shes only 3 and is already criticising me for my inability to 'pretend' in that way, that the egg is a plate etc. I can only hope that she learns to appreciate my help with maths and science homework on Skype or something. and when she realises that her language skills come from me etc I know I can offer her a lot, there aren't many english 3 year old that can understand and talk Chinese, and she knew aged 2 that she knew something her mum didn't know when I spoke it to her. last time she was here I said something to her in chinese, I was telling her off in fact, and asked her afterwards 'do you understand?', before now she had comprehended what I said and repeated words back to me, but this time she said 'I understand', demonstrating that she understands the difference between 'you' from the question, and 'me' for the response. she is brilliant, and somewhat clumbsey, but I don't think shes on the spectrum so reading back maybe a lot of it based from anxiety, but I do feel the need to contribute to her life and upbringing as much as I can and I worry im not doing it right and/or making bad decisions a long the way leading to more anxiety. if she can know everything I know and be social like her mother then she will do well in life, but if she learns my anxiety and never passes her mothers level of intelligence at school then she may not. its hard not playing the time game with my daughter, I would want for her to benefit for all the lessons I learnt the hard way, is that so wrong?
  7. wow thanks, I think you did that which you thought you couldn't, but offered! in terms of the catchphrase sub-theme, that was supportive hug. thanks I guess mihaela's right I do show at least some, FTAS symtpoms. it does feel good to be hugged when looking to relieve stress, and sometimes I do over-empathise. I guess when they are situations I have 'can' empathise with I do so overly. cutting ones parents off would be unimaginationable to NT's, maybe its because we're aspie's we can do that im not sure? anyway I don't think about them and never really did, just not having parents put more weight on the women of my life I guess. thanks for reminding me of that which we speak. sometimes the logic is clear in my mind and then sometimes the anxiety makes me forget again. im very happy with most all the people on this site, being the most communication ive done with anyone in recent years at least since giving up drugs and alcohol, in the most part at least. it was easy to fake being 'chatty' and social when drunk or otherwise inebriated. however I have since learnt that this is not me or my character, it had become a fake personaility copied from others around me which had at somepoint been identified, perhaps wrongly, as 'socially acceptable' and otherwise found out to be something I didn't want to encourage. if people acnt accept me for who I am and how I think they sobeit. im not faking it anymore. that's why im looking for my diagnosis now, so that loved ones around me can be assured of what I know about myself, and that im not just annoying and offensive on purpose. this time its not for me. I want my gf to be reassured and not by any means least, for my daughter, in case anything should arise in her coming school years. she is very much the attention seeker I apparently am, and if nothing else she could run into talk about adhd, which apparently I score highly on in online tests but wasnt very aware of. perhaps its just with my gf because im comfortable with her and she is my obsession? perhaps then it is fair to say I do also often over-empathise as FTAS do? your comments about your mother made me angry and have had to partake in coping methods in reading it I don't know. I am comfortable being different and always have. perhaps its the recurring cycles with gf's that has lead me in my old age and wisdom, to feel the need diagnosis to perhaps explain my behaviours. not looking for any excuses, I am who I am I do what I do, sometimes people I care about are offended ghighly about the questions I ask with no apparent feeling and it upsets my gf who I depend on more than id like to admit. its for my girls now, I do it for them, even though the process is making me worse. this site is great, the support is very welcome [metaphorically speaking] 'fingers crossed' that my aunties memory gets jogged by the doctors involved love and best wishes to all x
  8. thanks it does help hearing others thoughts being similar to mine (wow the troubles then trying to find that smiley amoung all the others! lol)
  9. thanks. I also learnt a lot from catchphrase and things like that. I also built up the mental memory links of certain expressions, although its hard to not engage those links when they ask you what the faces mean. I guess I got the easy ones. smiley face means happy, tears means crying etc. I saw some things in the pictures that the doctors didn't see (mostly background items and connections}), so im not in the mentalit of any diasability here. apart from the social thing, new places/people, dyslexia, anxiety and concentration issues I don't have any disability. im just wired up differently, and have many positive attributes about my wiring configuration which to me distinguish AS from PD's and and PTSD's I think they saw enough of how I am now, they just need the links to childhood so they know ive always been like this. my trouble is my coping strategies started first day of school after they all ridiculed me for being the weird kid, so my auntie remembers only so much. she remembers me being very serious and adult like and not getting the jokes and being smart for my age. however she is also aware that my parents had behaviours they wished to hide and she is aware that she may not have been told the whole truth about my development. she certainly only saw the best of me when she came to visit, couple times per year.i probably asked her a lot of questions that were beyond my years but I think she is struggling to make connections between just being smart for my age and possible symptoms of AS. They sent her the questionnaire after they got her conscent a couple of weeks ago and they haven't received it back from her yet so I advised them that she was probably waiting for them to call her. I hope she can remember the little details that matter when it comes to AS diagnosis...did I point at things a lot? did I show her the things I made with lego but didn't play with them? does she remember seeing me play make-belief with my sisters or cousins? she had a hard time when my dad died, obviously I was somewhat relieved but she has been on antidepressants since which is 18 years now, so she suspects I may be affected by his death as she is?! how does one explain to her that I was happy like the munchkins in wizard of Oz?! he was my abuser and I do not feel the same as she does. {I guess I just need them to jog her memory about a couple of little details that she may come across whilst scanning her memory. maybe they just need 'some' detail to add to what they see in me today? I hope she also mentions about our other faily members who have had issues. someone one her side has passed her daughter dyspraxia and dyslexia bless her, they are on my dads side and he obviously had zero empathy and apparently so did his dad. so its on that side of my family, surely they don't need much more? The fact that she has taken more than two weeks now then denotes surely that either, a)she cannot answer due to inability to remember the facts clearly?, or b)that she is trying to learn more about the details of AS to get a better picture? as I hope its not c)cant be bothered or forgot...have I missied anything? my gf seems to challenge my logic when it comes to women or social factors as apparently there are the extra dimension of social and emotional based decsions which I don't usually think of being logically minded. does research help her to answer properly or does it bias her to the label that is being suggested? I knows theres no logic in crossing fingers, and I don't actually do it in real life, but my brain thinks it a lot regarding this. now that my paper trail school report has been shredded im left with not much left but a vague glimmer of hope that my auntie will remember something relavent
  10. so what am I to do when I am told that my issues with anxiety and frustration are rubbing off on her?! I know I need to manage my anxiety better, but when she comes she is so demanding and never gives me time to break away and have my calm space time! I hate upsetting the ones I care about the most but I cant get a break when I don't get help with her from my gf. im sure we all have our happy place to go to when things get too much, but my happy place gets interrupted because my daughter isn't old enough to know that daddy needs a break currently struggling to cook dinner, something I taught myself to do aged 7. its only bacon and eggs but im really struggling to focus already and shes playing the elephant game.... brain is trying to shut down but ive got duties to do
  11. ok so just to confirm I got an inconclusive result. not ideal. they asked to speak to my auntie more and shes given her details and concent. she remembers me being serious and very adult and very intelligent for my age, but its 30 years ago and shes been through a lot too. obviously when my abusive dad took his own life I felt differently than she did and she has been very upset since, and suggests that maybe there is also reason to suggest PTSD which I do not deny but I know its more and im trying to think how I can jog my aunties memory I sent her details the diagnostic centre and ended up adding a really long message asi do about how I don't deny traumatic events and how ive been seeking help for 17 years without hiding from anything. ive told all the stories, tried all the pills and been to cbt many times. however I am still an aspie and thusly I know there is more to it than just anxiety and depression about childhood events. I went on a rant about 3d visualisation about schematics and that's how im really good at fixing and building things and laguages etc, and how those things don't arise from PTSD oh dear I did have a rant. my gf who isn't speaking to me at the moment for reason of snoring and riggling in the night then broke the silence to ask me what im doing when she hears me drilling the keys on Hotmail. so im trying to get my point across because I am intelligent and don't come across so when im in person in front of people I don't know so they don't just think im broken from traumatic events. far from it! its made me strong and helped me to find my real me! I am an aspie and always have been and just cant wait to start my new life being proud of my special talents and interests, and be true to myself never hiding or pretending again to please others. its made me go grey and im only 35. I need to be accepted as an aspie and left to do my life my own way before I am forced to start singing frank Sinatra at the top of my voice so people get the message!!!! I just hope that they get what they need from my auntie so im not back to square no.1 hope she can remember something important. she might not think to mention about me showing her the lego I made but never 'played' with it....
  12. I did think the same but they know. I got inconclusive results pending further childhood history. So annoying I just want it done with so I can move onwards My auntie says they can contact her and wants to help me so see what she says. She said she just remembers me being very adult very serious and not get jokes bit I've mentioned about Lego and stuff see if it jogs her memory So back in the waiting some
  13. I have to fight it to drive her back. I haven't got time to endulge in any rest. Its a long way and I just need to switch my brain back on somehow and keep going forwards...
  14. So im trying to fight it again today too. My brain is tired of spinning about 2nd part of assessment tomorrow and trying to shut down but my daughter keeps calling me so I can't
  15. There is a lot of information on the internet about what to do if you are the parent of an aspie... But what about the aspie parents of NT children? I have a lot of trouble keeping up with her as she displays many NT social qualities. Most of which make me squirm. I am separated from my daughter and see her fornightly. I want her to have as much fun as possible and try to teach her things I think are important, about nature and fixing things. Im not sure if its my routine or hers, but we go to the park everytime and she insists on saying hi to everyone at the park and shout 'look at me look at me'. she's only 3 bless her and I love her so much. I want her to have fun but my life so far has been quite serious and scientific, and get stuck when shes trying to engage with everyone there. Im ok when im teaching her things that I know about, and she loves to learn, and in many ways knows more than most at her age, for example with language shes picking up Chinese mandarin off me at the moment but also seems to cope if I slip into French or Spanish. she's smart, and slightly clumbsey but I don't think shes on the spectrum I just struggle with the 'let's pretend' things she wants to do and I worry im not being a complete dad for my little girl...so shes got a kitchen set, and im ok when im teaching her how to cook the egg and put it on the plate to give to me and where is the salt etc. but then she does her improvisation and tells me that the egg is a plate because she cant find the egg and my head cant handle that so I go off to find the plates and she says im such a grown up and I cant pretend! so I spend the rest of the day worrying about it and go into shutdown mode when shes trying to get attention from me and all I can do it moan about it on here.... one thing I definitely hope from official diagnosis is that kind of family support so I know what im supposed to do to entertain a toddler except teach her Chinese and about nature and read her monotonal stories that are already pushing the limits of my reading abilities. I love her so much and don't want to let her down, but how can I teach that that which I cannot do myself?
  16. I think that self diagnosis is just to appease one's self. so you can know yourself better not for others benefits I am also currently self diagnosed, and will probably face accusations of BPD, but I also know myself and know that I do not do the things I do on purpose which apparently PD's do I am different, not deliberately annoying. sometimes my level of intellect annoys people, that's not PD I think they might prefer diagnosis of PD because it can be cured, and they prefer to think that everyone can be 'cured' (once again reminding me of an X-men film) perhaps NT's who are not so HF cannot conceive how others can be 'special' with their differences, and not just either disabled or PD my gf works in medium secure unit with PD's all day and says the PD's deliberately pick on the people with learning disabilities and take advantage of their simplicity and when they take things literally as I do she says the PD's don't even get treated in Scotland because they don't recognoise it as a proper mental illness and they just get sent away to deal with on their own with meds im worried of similar misdiagnosis, ive been sent away with just plain anxiety and depression many times, as there is much in my history to be bothered about, but I KNOW its not that, I 'know myself', as the Oracle says to Neo in the Matrix. I know its more than that. AS with Dyslexia fits me perfectly and wont be happy being told any otherwise. and so should you know yourself, but only for yourself, and your loved ones wether we should need or want diagnosis to prove it for any other reason I guess is both subjective and circumstantial in any case best of luck to us all
  17. hope it all goes well. I have part 2 of my diagnosis on the 2nd good luck to us all I avoided the 'label' thing for a long time, but now I have come to understand that I can get the help I need with, dare I say it, the label nobody wants an ASD stamped on their paperwork, but in a way it will be a relief to have a name for it so I can know for sure im looking for help in the right places I want to go back to college with peoper help so I can demonstrate my potential and make a career doing one of my special interests, fixing things. I am now seeking diagnosis to get assistance giving college a proper go, maybe your aspie will go to FE college or even uni like I did. hopefully with diagnosis he will get help to do this too, and do it right like I didnt
  18. why is it better to find out out what family think afterwards? my sister is tlling me she isn't telling me what she put because its 'confidential' ?! it MY brain we're discussing, how come now shes keeping it from 'me' its making me VERY anxious ao yeah ok back in the 90's as a teenager I took all sorts of chemical substances in an attempt to fit and be like everyone else and be on the same level as someone for once, but that's not why im like I am I took them because im like I am and desperately wanted to be like everyone else! im worried that she isn't old enough to remember what I was like before im also worried that her way of thinking about me has been perverted by my estranged mother who definitely has a way of twisting peoples heads as much as I ever needed help I didn't need hers so my situation isn't clear cut. its easy for me to see how AS fits my personality traits but 'evidence' is hard to come by in my family so the day after tomorrow might either make me or break me! I will either get help, get misdiagnosed again again, or be left in the dark with inconclusive evidence, in which case my life will end up defunct and I wont get any help and most likely have to move out of here and be alone again again again I hate waiting, it sets off my anxiety
  19. Yes probably testing me I guess but certainly made me feel awkward. My legs didn't stop jigging and didn't know where to look!
  20. my mother used to play classical music everyday on the piano. she tried to get me to learn but I didn't take to it. however I used to like listening to her play. she used to really blast ou the chopin, Mozart and guilbert and Sullivan stuff
  21. you took the words right out of my mouth, usually I cant find the words to explain things. that's why I don't do well at doctor visits I hope one day there will be calm and happiness with the calm
  22. very weird and confusing experience he kept starring at me and made me even more uncomfortable than usual trying to meet his eye contact. I was just jiggering and couldn't relax in the lisghtest I got to go back on the 2nd now for more testing and they asked my sister and gf some really detailed questions and im worrying now because my sister wont let me see what she has put down and its all getting on top of me now and im stressing out bigtime!!!!!
  23. ok so I got 7 more days for the bailiff... now I can try and concentrate on cbt tonight and my assessment in the morning I hope tomorrow goes smoothly as I really do need help with my anxiety and public outbursts :-(
  24. Great, now added to that stress I got a bailiff coming in the morning and if I can't get 415 by the time he knocks he will add 235 for a callout! The last thing I need before Wednesday!! Aaarrggh
  25. So confusedtraveller you have your d-day in December?? I wish you all the best, at least we have a date now! It just is a big worry, if they say im not then what? Just plain weird and unsociable? I just want it over and done with now. My gf wants me to go back to college so I can get a piece of paper that says im qualified to make money doing one of my special interests!... I love fixing things! When I learn to fix tractors il be able to earn money again to contribute to the household bills again and get back to feeling like a human being . At the moment im in limbo, with everyday anxiety upsetting the ones I care about the most. Its so distressing
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