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CarolJ

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Everything posted by CarolJ

  1. Canopus I believe a mixture of both I can see the frustration of adults which I often see reflected in my children when they try to make sense of things. But I think thats not exclusive to those with ASDs. One of the positive things is seeing the suggestions and advice offered and the way in which those with AS respond to those situations. I want to know as much about AS as possible and that includes the negatives or the dark side. I personally found that adopting an attitude of ambvilance towards the needs of my childrens autism was not helpful and was harmful in my experience. Ignoring something doesnt make it go away or make it any easier for an individual to accept and to be expected to live with it can cause someone great emotional and psychological conflict - my views as an NT - for me, part of accepting all aspects of the spectrum means taking the good with the bad and seeing how individuals overcome and deal with things. One example of this for me is that "the powers that be" tried to tell me that my non-verbal son was not aware or able to experience or express emotions and I knew they were very very wrong, I could see his pain and confusion in his expressions, body language. Luckily my clever son himself proved that he did indeed have very complex emotions and needs - he was able to demonstrate this in person and thereby showed them that being non verbal didnt mean he was dumb. Had I remained ambivilant, ignored my instincts, and listened to what the "experts" were telling me I would have bought into the idea that my son didnt have awareness and I dread to think what the long term effects of that would have been to him. I dont know if you go on youtube but I found a video on a young boy with autism and the words to the song are just brilliant (its country and western not my usual thing) but it kinda said it all in relation to any disability not just autism, its speaking of our differences as people. Its called "dont laugh at me" . Jorden (youtube)
  2. Hi Jadensmum, yes I do remember you, I am glad you were able to identify and I think unless someone has a child like scott they wouldnt fully understand what I am talking about. It never truly goes away and you will find that different things will trigger it, normally seeing others of your sons age or someone saying how their child achieved something remarkable serves as a powerful reminder. I know people dont mean it but sometimes it feels like a slap in the face - its a continual process of acceptance. One that I do everyday. You will never stop grieving but it gets easier to live with. I know it hurts when people stare and it seems that everyone elses kid even when they are are on the spectrum is making more progress. The right schooling and support really can make a difference - Scott is much happier these days - sure hes still non verbal but hes a character alright as I am sure Jaden is too. Its their total innocence that always gets to me how vulnerable they are how trusting. I will pm you with my email address if you want to chat more.
  3. I was told by a professional that some of the parents of these kids had indeed stopped contact and I was told that in relationship with a decision I was making about my famly. It was used as an example to give an opinion on what I was proposing to do. I know as well as anyone the reasons why any parent can be pushed into making decisions to put a child into care. What part of "my" experiences equates to this is about anyone other than me?
  4. Okay This post was never about judging others or expressing opinions on others - it was about "my" "experiences" and the way what I did affected my kids and I have seen this first hand in others not on this forum. Obviously I failed to make it clear that this was about my personal experienes because everyone seems to taking it as an is an attack on other parents? Once more I would like to say I was attempting to tell people about what "I" went through and it did have an affect on my kids. Yes bid I did put down about parents posting about how they felt, perhaps the way it was worded didnt come across right it certainly wasnt an attack on other parents - I was attempting highlight examples of how we act as parents and that it has a direct impact on our kids - using it as an example someone saying I am having a tough time with blah blah blah and then saying finding it difficult to cope with my kids. I put down about my own experiences and myself and others say I dont agree I take issue with.... ? Correct me if i am wrong but how can someone not agree with you about your personal expriences? I was never asking for you to agree or disagree I was merely sharing my experiences and these were certainly not opinons about other parents. Its like saying to someone I dont agree with the thoughts and feelings you had because I didnt experience things the way you did? If someone would care to explain exactly where I say this is about others then please feel free to point it out?
  5. Lucas thank you I noticed that my behaviours did indeed impact on my kids and I was honest enough with myself to admit this and do something about it. I was just attempting to share my experiences with others. I have observed parents of both NT and ASD kids going about their business and oblivious that what they do directly affects how their kids feel about the world and themselves as people. There are some who dont like to take responsibility for the impact their actions have on those they are supposed to care about and love. I would never say i am perfect parent in fact I am far from it but I try to look at things from the point of my sprogs not just throw my hands up in the air and say its not my fault! As a parent my duty is to protect my children as much as possible from the stresses of every day life and yes there are certain things you cannot protect your kids from. I admit at times I resented my kids for the demands they placed upon me which were sometimes made worse by their having ASDs and unable to cope because of them being unable to make sense of what was going on. I think the one who suffered the most was my non-verbal son. At least if you have language you can express how you feel to a certain extent. I couldnt imagine how hard it must have been or is for him not even being able to share his thoughts or feelings with anyone else. How alone and scared he must feel sometimes. I repeatedly see parents posting about how unhappy they are and how DS or DD is making things worse. I hardly ever see anyone put down how their kids must feel? I am just saying look at it from a childs point of view NT or ASD = families can only exist as a unit and we accept that we need to consider each other. In my sons school (autistic school) there are alot of kids in the care system because their parents gave up! Its heartbreaking. There but for the grace of god could be my DS it came so close to happening its scarey. Lucas I am sorry that your mum seems to deny that her actions past and present have any bearing on you because that denial can be more hurtful than the actions she did or failed to do. Perhaps she thinks shes doing the right thing? I dont know I dont know her like you do. I found one of the biggest barriers to understnding my kids was the communication problems. But its possible to overcome this. Even with a non-verbal child. Its not about beating yourself with parental guilt its about being strong enough to be objective and realise that as a parent just about everything we do affects our kids = well in my experience it certainly appeared to I hope you will be able to communicate with your mum somehow. Sometimes even if you live in the same house you dont really know the person you live with and there can be a lot of resentmennt and anger - this applies to all relationships not just parents and kids. I just found out its better to be open about how you feel as the resentment simmering away can build and lead to an explosion caused by something stupid which is normally out of all proportion. now i deal with things as I go along.
  6. Maybe I should be clearer about what I am saying in future. I am attempting to share my experiences. I agree on days when you feel down or have a headache its more difficult to cope with "normal" behaviours. But in "my" experience how I behave reflects directly on how my kids behave? This isnt about blaming the parents. Its about how our behaviour can affect others. In my experience meltdowns more often than not have triggers. I am saying that sometimes when life gets me down it "can" trigger behaviours in my kids. I am not just speaking of myself I have seen this in other parents where they are so busy worrying about their problems they can forget that their kids have feelings and can be affected too - especially in family breakups/divorces/splits. This is why its important to let the kids know that its not because of them or their autism but because XYZ has happened. I am not the perfect parent ye gods! But I have learned from mistakes I made in the past. I now try to look at the bigger picture and my family as a unit. We all get good days and bad days we are human. I am certainly not trying to tell people how to parent their kids. We get enough of that from plenty of professional bods (blame the parent mentality) and yes I too have been accused of causing my sons behaviours and had to fight to show that in fact it wasnt my rubbish parenting that it was part of how he dealt with situations in fact things got so bad SS were threatening me with a care order for him and I had to turn the whole situation around or risk losing him. I nieavely put my trust and faith into a system that then used my vulnerability against me saying I wasnt strong enough to parent my son because of his autism. I know of parents who are blamed for their childrens behavours some who have had their kids taken away from them. It wasnt a step by step plan on how to be the perfect parent it was my experience of when things got really tough and we had a lot of uncertainty in our lives that my kids behaviours got worse because I was struggling to hold it together and deal with everything that came along. I was just trying to share my experiences of how its easy to get caught in a cycle of feeling negative and how it can impact on our kids. I was trying to share my experiences in order to help others? I know I can get a bit mouthy sometimes and I do have a dark sense of humour. Perhaps I am too blunt or negative sometimes but I speak from experience. I have looked at the way some seemed to cope so admirably well with what happens to their famlies and although I know people just want to give support, it did kinda reinforce the fact that I felt like a sub-standard parent thinking why cant I cope with things like others? I guess by originally posting this topic I was trying to say look its okay we all make mistakes as long as we learn from them. Perhaps I just need to soften things up a bit? or I should add a disclaimer to my signature errr that was a joke
  7. BD parents are the adults - therefore I know as a parent that my ability to cope and moods directly affect my kids. I am letting people know this. What I am trying to do is to ask people to think objectively about why their kids seem to act up when they are having a bad day. Step back from the situation and think about how the kids must feel? Look at the bigger picture? As adults we are are supposed to be grown up and take responsibility for our actions. Trust me I can knock spots off my kids when it comes to having a tantrum! My kids are not "little angels" I was being facetious. Yes All kids are effected by how their parents are able to cope. But since its a well known fact that ASD kids in particular need routine in order to thrive I can safely assume that a parent going off the rails about something thats outside the childs influence can be even more upsetting to a child on the spectrum? BD I am not blaming parents or giving them more guilt complexes, surely you can see the same sentiments repeated over and over again on this forum from parents - You can see the struggle that many have and I have spoken about this before. My post is actually designed to help parents give them encouragement not criticise them? It seems you have taken this as a criticism and yes as parents of ASD kids we do actally have more to deal with on a day to day basis as I said in my post originally ie fighting for approriate school placements. BD for my DS especially the "differences" are acute so yes they are big. If you are in fact intimating that I cant give my personal experiences and by saying that I have struggled as an NT to understand my kids autism because it has made a big difference in our lives. Because if my son was like any other kid he would have a few good friends and a lot more freedom than he currently has. He would be able to talk for starters. So are you are saying its okay for me to post as long as I dont try to make out that any of the extra things I have had to deal with are due to having kids with ASDs and actually making it sound as if I am blaming my kids for everything that goes wrong? Since i have returned to this board you seem be taking issue with a lot of what I say? Is it that you think I lack enough understanding of ASD? Perhaps I should just shut up in the future? Take care BD (I do respect your views but I dont think you respect mine, even though they based on honesty) Hugs to Ben <'>
  8. well done Karen- peace will be restored methinks. What I would do in your case is to sit both boys down and let J hear first hand that you hold Ben just as responsible for last night as you do J - this will help J realise that mum is fair and just because Ben needs more help you still think about J and how he is feeling. I think you should apply for a job as a United Nations Peacekeeper! If J is NT just goes to show that he still gets pushed to the point where he struggles express himself and if he often thinks his brother gets more attention or gets away with stuff because of his SENs it can lead to resentment. You need to treat both fairly and equally allowing for their abilities of course. Good luck for tonight! <'> :notworthy:
  9. One of the things I see repeated on this message board is ?I am having a bad day? ? ?I cant take any more? ? ?what I am doing wrong? ? I would just like to give people my experince of how my moods and ability to cope have a direct impact on my childrens behaviours. When I am having a bad day PMT, worrying about something non-ASD related, I can guarantee my little Angels especially my DS will give me a hard time. I have noticed over the years that if I am feeling helpless unable to deal with things - life is too much - I just want to give up - his behavior worsens and it in turn makes me feel worse ? it?s a cycle which is hard to break it can sometimes escalate to the point where I start to blame his being autistic for all my problems and almost hating him and then hating myself for feeling like that towards my own child. Its easy to take my frustrations out on him and his sister because I resent their demands on me. Hey folks I am not a bad mother I love my kids but I am being honest here. It took me a long time to see that my moods triggered behaviors in my kids. I think about it from their point of view. Autistic kids need stability and routine to thrive. If I am upset about something I tend to change what I do in order to deal with whatever it is needs my attention. This means that things change and I start to feel stressed and angry and tired because other things I needed to do have been left. I feel as if there isn?t enough of me to go round. It all gets too much. I can start to show emotion cry and this has a very negative effect on my kids. They see you are struggling to cope and you are weak they in turn become frightened and insecure especially when I voice things like ?I cant take this no more?, children need a stable homelife in order to thrive. When you are showing your child you are struggling to cope or are upset you are scaring them. They become insecure and then try to do things (sometimes bad behaviour) to get your attention all kids hate being ignored. Its almost like they are saying to you ?Hey mum what about me?? ?you are scaring me?? I am not saying its not okay to show emotion in front of your kids but if I am upset or angry I explain to my kids that its nothing to do this them that mummy has her weepy time or that something else has upset me and that I still love them and its not their fault I am upset. My non verbal son I just give him hugs and try to take as much notice as possible to reassure him. When we are down in the dumps it?s difficult to think about anything except how we feel. But please if your kids react the same way as mine do, try to stop and think about how your behaviour as a parent can affect their behaviour. Noone is perfect ? kids don?t come with instructional manuals, and kids with ASDs are a law unto themselves. Nothing will have prepared you to deal with that, and all the extra things that parents like ourselves have to deal with can overwhelm us. The system has a lot of answer for in my view!! The amount of fighting and energy it takes to get even the basic services ie a suitable school place ? can leave parents drained and takes away the energy we need to deal with our kids. I often stop and think to myself ?How would I react if that (insert who or what is causing the problem) came into my home and upset my child?? I would be very angry. By allowing yourself to get upset about outside influences your child WILL BE UPSET! So effectively it has done just that. I get angry and think YOU WILL NOT UPSET MY CHILD! This helps me target my anger and energy where it should be and I certainly don?t turn it around and blame myself? Sorry if I sound like I am stating the obvious here but this is how things have happened for me? everyone is different. The key to making an child happy is "confidence" and know that they are loved. Even when DS has been doing his finger painting over the curtains! <'> Take care all
  10. Another idea is a "safe word" one that can be used when someone has gone too far. ie if you are wound up to a point that you feel you are going to lose control say that word usually something that is not used in every day conversation I say to my daughter "Zanzibar" and she knows enough and she uses it too. It immediately difuses the tension as its a word she can say without thinking and she knows its communicating time to stop! Its just an idea if you havent got anything that can be punched
  11. Hi Karen it sounds as if J hit his brother out of frustration my DS does this all the time. Sometimes when they struggle to express themselves verbally they hit out. Its not done out of malice its done because my son just cant help himself he lashes out. Problem is it hurts I am working on a no hitting plan with my son hes non-verbal and reacting to him "you gave him a telling off" actually reinforces hitting as an acceptabe form of behaviour. But as your son is higher functioning I really do think it was done because he had no other way of expressing his frustration and he hit his brother because he was nagging him to finish the book. I have felt like slapping someone sometimes when you are not able to get your point across or they wont listen. It sounds as if Ben was winding his brother up. My daughter does this with my son and I have to tell her to back off and leave DS alone. If you stop and think about how the situation arose. If that was me i would have stepped in earlier to stop Ben nagging his brother. I would calmly explain to Ben that J would finish the book in his own time. My daughter doesnt like to be pushed or harrassed it makes her "stressed". I think next time try to intervene earlier and explain to Ben to leave J alone or to say to J, "Ben cant wait for you to finish that book so I can read it - hes really looking forward to it " - its difficlt when they are both on spectrum but hitting is not an acceptble form. I have punching cushions that i punch sometimes and my daughter does the same. Some people use punchbag - say to J when he feels like this again to go punch the punchbag that way he will communicate to his brother he has gone too far. Of course it may not work but dont try to blame J totally. It sounds to me a case of six of one half a dozen of the other. Dont feel bad your a parent and sometimes you feel as if you have to choose between your kids. Its hard but if I was you I would try to talk about what happened and say to J Many NT people do things like kick and slam doors (I am terrible for this slamming doors and stomping feet and I am able to express myself with language!) its time fora bit of anger management methinks? good luck and dont feel guilty your sons sound as if they really do love each other, but boys will be boys. Dont continue to be angry at J - speak to him and let him know that hitting is not acceptable under any circumstances. Also say to Ben if you hadnt have nagged your brother he wouldn thave hit you. Let the boys see that you are fair and you are dissapointed at both of them. If J thinks you are defending Ben it could cause resentment.
  12. Well done Cat you came across really well. :notworthy:
  13. Both my two have a wicked sense of humour. It is visual based, my DS does a great charlie chaplin Act, he wacks himself on the head and falls flat on his back laughing looking for my response too. He really does intterract. My daughter can do verbal humour but simple jokes. I have to sometimes explain to her the punchline of a joke. My fella has a strange sense of humour but he laughs at my sarcasm. Yesterday I was taking the p*ss out of everyone in the house (except my DS). My fella always says the same thing when the children have left in the mornign for school "DS or DD have left the building" every day without fail - I pointed this out to him yesterday and said cant you say something else? but he still said the same thing again today guess its a habit I just cringed! My DD has a phobia about babywipes - my boy still wears nappies so wipes are something we have in every room. If she sees a wipe out of the packet or poking out or in the bin or dropped on the floor she goes crackers. She screams and refuses to look at it closing her eyes saying "get rid of it, Idont want to see it!" and starts to flap her hands and stim. At first I thought she was just attention seeking but she really doesnt like the physical feel of a wipe, esepcially if its dry and now the sight of a wipe is enough to send her into a meltdown. She also has a lock on her bedroom door to stop DS from gettign in there she likes her space and he tends to wreck her room. Its a yale lock so it needs a key and if you open the door using the key from the outside she shouts at you to remove the key all you hear is "The KEY!!!" "TAKE OUT THE KEY" it drives me nuts Yesterday she was getting ready for school and I left the key in the lock and as I closed the door behind me all i coudl hear is "THE KEEEYY" - I started laughing and said she reminded me of the hunchback of notre darm "the Bells" "the Bells" or "the wipes" "the wipes". I said to her I am going to do a scarey movie with the killer wipes do a timed screen shot of a wipe moving towards her bratz dolls, and a psycho shower scene with the wipes creeping up to the victim withthe high pitched music in the background... I told her was going to make a movie and put it on youtube and when she was naughty I would make her sit and watch it!! I think i may have gonea bit too far with the wipes but she was laughing but upset too. Do you think I should do it and let her see she can laugh at it or do you think I am a cruel mother who doesnt respect the feelings of my DD? what does anyone else think? I think it would be hilarious
  14. My DS only reacts to pain when he sees blood. He panicks. I know when hes not well because of his body language and he rubs his head when he has a headache. But he gets grumpy when he has constipation I have developed a sort of unspoken communication with him I know instinctively what he wants. I remember when he was younger he trod on a wasp in the grass in the back garden he was playing in the pool. He screamed in shock and I knew immediately what had happened I cant explain it but my son and I communicate on a different level I feel rather than see or am told what he needs? He has had blisters on his feet before from new shoes, which SS pulled me up on saying I was neglectful thing is i never knew until I pulled his socks off how the shoes had rubbed and I felt terrible but he didnt appear to feel the pain. I am sure that he feels pain differently from me and I know that sometimes because he cant express that pain especially the pain in his gut that he becomes aggressive and hits out because he is suffering. My DD is a wimp, a runny nose and shes dying she suffers from man-flu. She likes fuss and attention when unwell, and everyone knows! My fella is definitely a whimp. I hate it when hes not well he cant do anything for himself and does the dying swan act. This video will give you a good idea of what its like? You may recognise this in your own partner? Youtube mancold
  15. Mumble sweetheart I come across people like this all the time in the "support" services. Look at it this way you "love" what you do and "want" to do well all you need is support which is what this person is there to do but perhaps to her this is a "job" a means of paying her bills, rather than a "vocation". Some put 100 per cent. into what they do others, do the least possible in order to get by and you can clearly see the difference in their atttiude. My son who is non verbal can pick out a "do be" a mile off he knows when someone is truly interested in him. He is a brilliant judge of character. Mumble dont allow this womans laziness to upset you. Go to her superiors and tell them how she is treating you and if you need to quote Disability Discrimination Act - that always seems to prompt a reaction. Ask if its possible to change your support worker? What she is doing to you is trying to make you feel like a burden. As a parent I have come across this attitude numerous times. Its the standard "you are asking for too much" quoting words like "Budgets" "figures" "financial targets" approach making you feel like a drain and a burden which is wrong. Basically making you feel as if you are asking for far too much and are greedy!! If it werent for people like you Mumble this woman wouldnt have a job so really she ought to be more appreciative of the fact that you are using her services. You need her support as a means to an end in order to qualify and go on to have a rewarding career you are asking for help in order to give something back. It really makes me angry when I come across "do bes" like this, if you were not so determined her attitude and others like her would probably influence you to give up and think "whats the point?". I admire you for having the guts to keep on despite this "do be". And I can picture Bid saying "thats my girl " and will do all she can to support you. We are all behind you on this one. People like this dont realise the effect they can have on a young person be they neurotypical or autistic. Attitudes like this can kill a young persons ambition. It happened to me too when I was younger. I wanted to work for NASA as a rocket sicentist but the careers adviser told me to take a secretarial course instead seriously though I didnt end up what I wanted to do do and lived to regret not sticking to my guns so I admire your spirit Mumble. You go Girlfriend p.s. dont you dare curl up in a ball and die or I shall ask bid to kick you!!! How many others have given up because of this "do be's" attitude? Dont allow people like her to make you feel less of a person because you have asked for the help you were assessed as needing. Grrrrr! You are worth 10 of this "do be" dont allow this woman to use your AS against you. I am going to stop now becaue what I want to really say would get me banned. So dont you dare go giving up or thinking like that. You will come across people like this throughout your life you are your own person dont ever stop fighting for what you want.....any volunteers for an "angry mob?" ability to set buildings alight and to shake fist a must - i will supply pitchforks and torches? puts in addy of "do be" into SatNav....
  16. CarolJ

    Hello

    My friends daughter would do this in public - if my friend toldher off shed cringe away from her saying "Mummy please dont hurt me" and making a scene. Of course my friend felt mortified. Her daughter was 11 at the time and a big girl. My friends girl was placed on the child protection register it all got a bit messy. Kids dont realise how serious things can get. she went on to be dx d Aspergers with oppisitional definance disorder and bi-polar - but my friend had a terrible time convincing the authorities that she was not in fact harming her daughter. It amazed me as my friend also had other kids younger ones at the time and there was never any concern over them. My friend was also accussed of munchausen by proxy over her daughter and attention seeking. As a parent you feel as if you have to prove your worth to a system who is quick to judge. I too had to prove to powers that be that my DS behaviour was due to his ASD and not my ###### parenting. You are on the right track now stay strong. We are all behind you! Its great you have taken a day off to spend quality time with your son. Its hard because its easy to feel negative about our kids then they are acting up. I do this too as I am human. maybe it would be an idea to have some mother/daughter time. My daughter really responds to this and I make special time for her! Sometimes there just not enough "me" to go around. Try to stay positive there is light at the end of the tunnel. <'>
  17. CarolJ

    Hello

    Hi stressed and welcome to the world of online forums and posters. I can identify with much of what you have put down. Especially when peeps ask about "your" being on medication its almost as if they are saying to you - we believe its down to parenting which is a great scapegoat for the system. Its been suggested to me I need counselling too along with parenting classes (which arent aimed at ASD behaviours) the list is never ending. Firstly you have to deal with yourself and remain strong and dont allow others to browbeat you, by all means admit your limitations you are not superwoman you are a ordinary mum dealing with extraordinary children. Its imperative you recognise your needs your welfare is crucial to the welfare of your kids. I take antidepressantsand it really helps me cope so using medication tohelp you get through a tough patch is perfectly okay. Your daughter is going through puberty which is a tough time for any child. Her behaviour could also be a result of sibling anger and jealousy over her brother who by the sounds of it has more needs. My daughter competes with her brother for my attention and says things like I ignore her and I dont love her becuase of her brothers needs. I have to tell her that I love them both equally but that my DS needs my help more. I suggestedthat she become involved with caring for her brother but she does it only when shes in the mood. Shes actually a very loving child and very loyal to her brother. Which i suspect your daughter is too. They all have a loving side. I know they can push you to the point that you almost hate them and want tohurt them but thankfully we dont. Your daughter sounds as if shes trying to find herself and her identity and by being oppositional shes getting attetnion. If you feel she is on the spectrum then you really need to push for dx. I fought for 8 years to get my daughters dx as they said to me she didnt appear to be like others on the spectrum (a bit like they said about your son). You know your own child. I pushed for dx in order to get the help Ifelt she badly needed. I know its easy to find reasons why we dont stuff makeexcuses but utimately I have found that I do one thing at a time. I concentrate on one "project". In the past i tried to do alot of different things at once and felt as if I never got anywhere fast. I know how it feels when you are getting it from sides - your kids/the school/the system and you feel as if you are piggy in the middle trying to exercise as much damage limitation as possible. It makes you really angry and frustrated. You now need to find out exactly who can help you and get them to do asmuch as they can, if you have friends. family, the kids dad or a trusted professional this is a time when you need to call on them. Have u got a social worker? I have a disability team social worker who can also help. It carrys more clout when they support you and acknowledge the problems your children have. Although they can get it wrong sometimes, but its up to you how much involvement you want. You need to try and step back take a deep breath and decide what is the most important thing you need to tackle first. I have to do lists. Have you tried talking to your daughter I think shes old enough to know - see how she feels about dx? Ihad a friends girl about the same age who was introuble with police lying saying her mum beat her etc. and mum ended up gettign arrested. The girl would say to her mum unless you do XYZ i will tell that you hit me she was manipulative esepcially towards strangers she would act sweet and innocent and her mum was made to look a liar. Although my daughter hasnt reached this puberty stage yet I can still see many things that I can identify with in your post. Good luck and keep strong your a good mum (I know is hard to believe this sometimes, I struggle with it to).
  18. Hi Morgan and alex I have to say as a parent I am often accused of indulging my children and encouraging their behaviour. When your daughter stands in the corner do you try and coax her out? talk to her go to her? It could be making matters worse It sounds as you daughter is trying to shut out the world and get some peace. Have you tried just leaving her be? ignoring her? I find reacting to behavoiur seems to trigger the behaviour. I know our instinct as a parent is to try and make it better and understand what is upsetting our kids but pushing and asking sometimes can be very negative, i speak from experience with my daughter she cant always tell me whats wrong and expects me toknow. I find I ask and if she isnt willing to tell me or cant tell me and appears to get more and more upset, I then walk away and leave her and allow her to come to me when shes is ready. the fact that shes in a new school, new environment is probably adding to her anxiety levels and she is attempting to shut out everything that is scaring her. self imposed time out. I find that my kids need their space and I dont hassle them to open up I let them calm themselves down and when they are ready I reassure them gently. I have found I couldnt force either of my kids to comply with what I thought they were expected to do. The are very stubborn. They work to their own agendas and I had to make allowances for this. Its not about them controlling me its about me meeting them halfway and treating them with understanding and recognising why they do things. Dont listen to others judgements on your parenting skills and your daughters behaviours, its unproductive. Your daughter is expressing her anxiety and needs understanding not condemnation and punishment. Hope this helps but only you truly know your daughter, so dont get upset about other's opinions. take care <'>
  19. Science you have basically got it in a nutshell the label or even the possibility of a label helps you to understand the actions of someone it brings more awareness which is a good thing. I know what you mean about labels and dealing with the establishment (which has AS in its own way). I pushed for labels for my kids because I needed the help that would benefit them and needed the labels in order to get that help. It also helps when you are trying to explain to others about your child'sbehaviour. Telling them they have autism normally is enough. I think you have as much right as anyone else to be here we all have our reasons. just because its not officially recognised doesnt make a blind bit of difference.
  20. My current bf "G" is definitely on the spectrum. I have been with him almost 2 years now. We first met as friends, he first met him he seemed lovely polite, hes very well spoken. Hes very good with at practical things like fixing stuff and jobs around thehouse and would offer to do favours for me. I have noticed that G still gets calls from various female friends asking for favours ie fix computers or putting furniture together. He only gets calls from them when they need a favour otherwise he never hears from them. I sometimes get very angry by this. I had to point out to G that these "friends" were in fact using him. I think he used to do favours because he felt this was a way of making people like him. We have argued over these "friends" because he would say they were good friends and I would point out that you dont just hear from a friend when they need something its a two way thing. He used to say to me when he first met (as friends) that he felt he was "too nice" and he got taken advantage of and wished he could be more of a cad he said to me once that "nice guys always seem to come last". When we first met he really liked a girl we both knew and she played him off against another one of our friends to make this other guy jealous. I told G what this girl was doing but he said no its just her way he found it very hard to accept that this girl would do such a thing and got very defensive over her. At the time we were just friends and I tried to guide him and advise him from a woman's perspective. Eventually when this girl met him at a party and deliberately flirted with G and then disappeared with the other fella he was very upset but admitted to me that I was right. Sorry for long winded explanations here but I am trying to highlight how G seems very niave about people and takes them at face value. I tend to look at possible hidden agendas (damn my suspicious nature). I dont believe people do things without a reason especially when they dont know you. He seems almost vulnerable sometimes trusting almost a childlike quality. In the past he has really struggled with people taking advantage especially ex girlfriends. When i first got into a relationship with him he always seemed to be "holding something back" I cant explain it but it was like a part of his emotional response was missing? I am someone who is emotionally all over the place but rational (well most of the time anyway). He never seemed to have extremes of moods, you know when we have good days and bad days, he always appeared to be the same. That worried me as I felt as if he was hiding something. He would get stressed about silly things but the big things never seemed to phase him. One day he started to tell me about how his dad behaved and his dads quirks (his dad was in the army) and that he was just like him, that that was when the penny dropped about the possibility of AS. I tried to ignore it but the more I thought about the more I realised that indeed he was showing all the signs. At first I wanted to finish with him thinking I had more than a enough AS to deal with in my kids. I then approached him and told him what I thought and we sat down together and did an online test for aspergers using cambridge ARU tests. One of the thing I found really interesting is that he appeared to view himself differently and I would give my viewpoint on the answers. I know its hard to be objective about yourself. But he scored in the high 80s on the test which suggested a strong possibility of AS. He said he didnt want to push for dx as he didnt feel the need. One of the most difficult things about him is that he can be very selfish (self centred) and doesnt appear to consider anyone else that can be very hurtful. G also finds it hard to use his initiative and will only do things literarlly by the book not improvising in anyway which I find frustrating. One of the things that really made me think was that he is obsessed with computers. He was trying to fix a problem with our wireless router and he would get very frustrated because he had followed the instructions to a T and it was still not working and he would say - this isnt right this "should" work. I said to him pcs have a mind of their own and sometimes the instructions can be wrong. I called a friend who has his own IT company and he explained another way to G to fix the problem. But G still couldnt get his head around the fact that he had to do it a different way from the instruction booklet. He has problems with lateral thinking. He also doesnt like to be proved wrong about something he feels he knows and has to have the last word which drives me nuts He can be very petty about stupid things sometimes especially even when it comes to the kids. I have to separate him and DS sometimes because they two of them wind each other up. I have to say to G your the adult dont feed his reaction. But G will say but thats the way its supposed to be? Hes one for rules and regulations and things being done just so. I have to tell him with the way my kids are he has to let things go and let me make the decisions. I sometimes feel as if I have three kids on my hands. He can say the most hurtful things - hes said a couple of things to my DD too (as a joke) which she took seriously and got upset. I had to explain to him that she had taken his words at face value literally. There are 100s of things I can give as an example that I find frustrating but saying that I know the reason which allows me to be more tolerant of his mistakes he doesnt always like it when I point out to him how his actions affect others but he does listen. I am really glad that I decided to make allowances for him as he is a diamond and a lovely person. We actually compliment each other in a lot of ways. Hes deffo a homebod unlike my ex who was never at home. You have to work at all relationships but in a relationship with someone with AS you have to take into account the way AS can make them behave and make allowances.
  21. Just a quick reply, not likeme i know. but I am currently dealing with this agresion in my non verbal son. I ignore the bad behaviour and dont react. The reaction is the reward. when he is throwing things like knives and golfballs - try to pre-empt what he will throw and remove them. Use plastic knives at dinner. You do have to be consistent and I know its hard but it does work eventally (I hope )
  22. Tally actually this is one of the reasons why I keep mine braided, it saves an awful lot of time in the morning. Its a low maintenance hairstyle. I do my own too, it would cost a fortune if I had to got to a hairdressers to do it!
  23. Oi BD well the extensions are blonde - its all my own hair (bought and paid for!)
  24. Tally thank you for your comments on this. I have to agree that the lack of theory of mind is definitely not an exclusive autistic trait , in fact I have found NTs are probably worse in my experience. I agree that meeting on middle ground/compromise can sometimes be the way forward. What I have found is that society doesnt seem prepared to do this on the whole. I guess thats where BD got concerned about the anger. I dont lose control I just had to learn to stop thinking about how others perceived my kids. I agree that with work colleagues etc. its not possible for them to have the same level of understanding as someone who loves you. I suppose I amtalking about general attitudes when I say the word "society" but it was the attitude from friends and family that really upset me. I agree everyone is an individual irrespective of being on the spectrum or not. People are like onions we are made up of many layers and can bring tears to the eyes. What I wrote was was purely my perceptions as a neurotypical parent of autistic kids and it was also driven by my emotions, including anger. I am just glad that I have seen the positive side of having autistic children and turned my back on the "norm". In fact nothign about my life is normal any more. My son is badly affected by his autism and i know unless he learns a form of communication that as an adult he may not be able to have a say in his life or make independent decisions. I dont want others making decisions about his life. I think tally we all have friends on this forum. Thats one of the best things about this site. I find that I dont have a lot in common with a lot of people these days and can find people to be a bit superficial and self absorbed. I find it too much of an effort. I have a few close friends who I trust but they are people who genuinely care. I think the beauty of sites like this forum is that we can all share our thoughts and feelings and know that there are others here that will understand how we feel and offer advice and support. Thats almost impossible to achieve in real life! I know someone else who likes to makes lists. In fact I should do it more often as I tend to forget alot of things but that could just be cos I am blonde! thanks again tally
  25. ...... BD thanks for your reply this is my perception and I found that the words I quoted rang true with me, unfortnately. I have found that soceity on whole is not tolerant of differences and doesnt hesitate to judge an autistic child. Yes you are right that its not blanket statement about acceptance and there are some who are willing to learn but in my experience unless someone is directly affected by autism they arent interested in understanding or learning about it. Most people are happy to remain ignorant. I have seen peoples eyes glaze over when I try to explain to them about autism. The majority are just not interested BD thanks for your take on the two types of autism. I guess what I was trying to say that certain autism appears to have environmental influences ie dietary, bio medical often linked to the immune system ie allergy. I have come across adults with aspgergers who tried to disassociate themselves with the lower end of the spectrum believing themselves to be the elite and almost as if they were the next step in human evolution. Obviously watching too much Next Generation My fella's dad was deffo on the spectrum (hes dead now sadly). My fella is what one politely terms as a "geek" My take is that my sons autism seems is worlds apart from high functioning Aspergers. Both my kids had language delay and skill regression (my son has never developed language) whereas aspergers tend to talk from an early age and dont appear to regress into aspergers. Correct me if I am wrong. BD well lets just say. I really had my eyes opened about attitudes. I have cut off family and friends who when it came down to it just didnt want to know and ignore. It was a natural process of others excluding my children as they didnt know how to dealwith them and werent interested in hearing about them. ie birthday parties at school, family functions, parties. I would ask "why didnt you invite my DS" and it was clear that they didnt want DS there would say things like "Oh i didnt think hed want to come?". Out of sight out of mind. They didnt feel comfortable or know how to deal with it. The reality is that people do struggle to accept differences. Their motivations may not be cruel or nasty but in the end they found it easier to just ignore. Things like birthdays and christmas especially from my ex whose family totally cut them off. I just learned to toughen up. Its not about wanting people to accept and understand my kids autism (in a matter of minutes) its more about people accepting my kids the same way other kids are accepted. You can see the difference in the way my kids are treated people find it hard to relate and talk to my son especially like hes some type of simpleton. When I say things like "do you want a photo?" its really because I dont enjoy my son being viewed as some type of entertainment side show. After all its rude to stare and these oglers need reminding of their manners! BD its possible to love someone without fully accepting who and what they are. In fact its harder to be objective about someone you love. I would never suggest that I loved my child any more than any others. But I struggled to let go of my own expectatations and accept my kids autism as part of what my children are - stopped wishing that they could be neurotypical (am being honest here BD). It was never about judgements it was about my overcoming my neurotypical idealism and expectations and learning to accept differences in my kids. Jeeze forgive my manners -thanks for your input BD its great to have another point of view. I respect your opinons and do listen. although I might seem to ramble off on a tangent sometimes. cheers hun sparkle!
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