Luigi

Hi Zorro, Last year I too was referred to a psychiatrist by my doctor at my request. I was 46 yrs old at the time. The psychiatrist referred me to a psychologist (or was it the other way around? I get mixed up with psychiatrist and psychologist). Anyway, both appointments were pretty useless. I think that the problem was that my appointments were at the local mental health clinic. I think I am AS, but not very far down the spectrum, whilst some of the other people in the waiting room obviously had quite severe problems. The 'experts' more or less dismissed my claims of AS on the basis that their regular patients have much more severe problems than mine. They told me that they thought my problems were just traits of my character and that if they gave me a diagnosis of AS I might just rely on it, instead of trying to change for the better. I didn't agree with them, but more or less accepted their decision. A year later, with my marriage failing, I went to my doctor again insisting that I wanted an official diagnosis. To be fair to my doctor, he arranged another appointment with the psychiatrist (the same one as last time). Two weeks ago I had my consultation, and again was told that he didn't want to say I was AS (for the same reasons as last time), but he has referred me for counselling. I agreed to go along with the counselling (it hasn't started yet) on the basis that at least I am now in the system and the counselling was the psychiatrists idea. If the counselling works, great, but if it doesn't I will not just accept being signed off. I intend to keep perservering until they take me seriously. To cut a long story short, I would advise you to be very insistant at your assessment. They might try to fob you off if, like me, your outward appearance and behaviour looks quite normal during a one hour assessment. If the psychiatrist is a busy man, he might decide that he has bigger fish to fry. Don't let him get away with not taking your issues seriously. Please don't let my reply make you even more anxious. But it's worth getting it right the first time rather than waste a full year like I did. Good luck Luigi

Hi Mel, If it wasn't for my wife arranging nights out etc, I don't think I could be bothered to go anywhere. So I know how you feel. I've just started reading a book called 'Cognitive Behavour Therapy For Dummies' (sure got that name right) and although I'm only part way through it, I think it might do me some good. This is how it's explained on Amazon "We all have aspects of ourselves that we would like to change, but many of us believe that a leopard can't change its spots - if that's you, stop there! "Cognitive Behavioural Therapy for Dummies" will help identify unhealthy modes of thinking - such as "a leopard can't change it's spots"! - that have been holding you back from the changes you want. CBT can help whether you're seeking to overcome anxiety and depression, boost self-esteem, lose weight, beat addiction or simply improve your outlook in your professional and personal life. Apparantly CBT is the one area of therapy that can be self-taught. Anyway, I'm giving it a go and i just thought I would mention it in case it would be of any help to your situation.

Stomach

Hi Tina, I'm not an expert in employment law, but I do get involved in it a little at work from a managerial point of view. Employment law is very much on the side of the employee these days, and the company I work for simply dare not do anything that might contravene these laws. We tiptoe around some serious breaches of discipline because, when we look into it further, the employee is nearly always protected in some way. So it sounds to me as though your employer might have acted unreasonably, although I appreciate you have only been able to tell us a brief outline of what happened. I am sure there is a deadline for submitting consructive dismissal claims (three months I think), so you might need to get your skates on depending when this all happened. If I was you I would contact a no win no fee solicitor out of the yellow pages asap and tell them your story. I know that if we were contacted by an employees solicitor, we would be very keen to listen to what they had to say and almost certainly settle out of court. There is no way we would want it to go to a tribunal, even if we thought we were in the right. It's just too much hassle from the company's point of view. Even if legally you do not have a case, a little pressure on your former employer might prove to be worthwhile. Don't wait a few days though, contact a solicitor today! The sooner the better. Good luck.

Hi Chriss, I do appreciate you taking the time to reply. Everything you've said has been said to me by my wife a hundred times. I don't want that to sound as though I don't care. I know she, and you, are right. But, just telling someone with AS that they must change their ways doesn't really help. If it did, I would have chosen that path years ago. I wouldn't choose to have no close friends, an OCD that drives me mad, on the verge of losing my wife and children etc. I wouldn't choose those things if it was that easy to change. I've rang a CBT today and am expecting a call back at the end of the week when he gets back into his office. I'll see what he has to say, but I'm thinking that it wouldn't do any harm for me to look into it further and hopefully learn to accept situations differently. Thanks for your thoughts and I'm glad things are looking brighter for you both.

I was just wondering whether anyone has had any experience of cognitive behaviour therapy. I'm a 47 yr old AS (self dx'd) and seem to really get on peoples nerves with my direct, no nonsense attitude. I'm always upsetting my wife over remarks I make. She says that it isn't really 'what I'm saying', it's more 'the way I say it' that hurts her. Many people at work shy away from me because I say it as I see it. It seems strange to me that NT people seem to waffle on for ages without actually getting to the point. I've sat in meetings at work for 2 or 3 hours and nothing's been decided by the end of it. It drives me mad! But it's my wife that I'm really concerned about. At the weekend we had another bust up. I didn't like the way she was treating our 12 yr old daughter. I thought she had been mean and unfair with her, so I told her so when our daughter had gone to bed. My wife went into floods of tears and we more or less kept away from each other all weekend. The mood in the house was terrible. But now that we've talked it through, I understand (kind of) that I could have put my point of view across in a less confrontational way. The problem is though, that I've come to this conclusion many times before, but nothing really changes. I just fall into the same trap again and upset people close to me. If you could see my wife's face today, you would understand why I must do something about all this. She looks as though she has come to the end of her tether (really at the end, not just fed up...but ready to call it a day and give up on me). I know I have this problem, but can't seem to do anything about it. So I've checked the internet and read a little bit about cognitive behaviour therapy and wondered whether it beared any relation to my problem. Any thoughts or experience anybody has had would be great to hear. Thanks

Hi Emily, The more I think about it, the more I think I would like to get a dx. I know what you mean...it's not like I'd want to wave it around for special treatment, or for people to feel sorry for me. I just know that sometime in the future I will have to explain my behaviour to somebody (perhaps a friend or a work colleage) and at least I would have the option to prove to them that I am AS if I wanted to. I think I am probably not very far down the spectrum (perhaps borderline) and I have already had close family refusing to accept that I have AS. It has caused some family problems. My concern is that, because I think I am borderline, a private dx might come back negative. That would upset me more than a positive dx of AS. You made an interesting point about the social side of things. I've always yearned to be able to be just like the outgoing people you see at parties. They get on the dance floor and throw themselves around, totally letting themselves go. I like to dance at parties, but am much more conservative. I have the same dance for every different style of music. My feet kind of shuffle from side to side, whilst my arms are glued to my side. But recently I've started to adopt your kind of thinking. I've stopped putting pressure on myself to be outgoing. It's not my style, so why strive for it. It's never going to happen. I'm quite happy now letting others strut their stuff, or dominate a conversation. I'll shuffle my feet, or chip in with an occasional conversation and that's fine. No pressure. Sensory overload isn't really a big problem to me, but it looks like you have tackled it head on. Having the intelligence and confidence to 'ask for a corner table at a restaurant', for example, is a real positive step and you seem to be doing everything you can to make life a little less stressful. I admire you for that. By the way, I checked out your blog. Last year we also went to Florida and Chester Zoo. Both were great. I thought your post was really interesting and well written. You have a relaxed style of writing and I enjoyed reading it. Thanks.

Hi Bid, When I read your reply last night, it really got me thinking. I'm not trying to get myself 'off the hook', but I do think you've got a point about me not choosing to hurt my wife. Funnily enough, this morning I decided to tell my wife that I'd joined this forum. Since I made my first post a few days ago I felt as though I was doing something behind my wife's back, even though it wasn't anything to be ashamed of or destructive to our marriage. So I told her, and she thought the forum was a great idea. I then told her about your thoughts regarding guilt, and without even thinking, she agreed 100%. Like you, she said that I hadn't chosen to hurt her (emotionally of course..not physically) and that quite recently she has come to realise and accept this. She also said that since I'd started to research AS rather than burying my head in the sand (say the last couple of months), I have been a much easier person to live with So thanks very much for your thoughts on the subject. It prompted me to tell my wife about the forum and I feel much better about it.

Thanks Kathryn, I really can't believe how kind and caring people are on this forum. It really has taken me aback. Thank you for the above info. Some of it I have previously looked at, but some I wasn't aware of so I'd best get surfing.

Hi Smiley, To be honest, I have shared all these feelings (or lack of them) with my wife so she is aware of how I feel about the lack of guilt. I had started to wonder whether my wife should join this forum in her own right and share her concerns with other partners of AS people. It would probably help her to be able to get things off her chest from time to time, but I don't think it would always be a good thing for us to see each others threads (depending on the subject). I wonder whether there are any other AS and NT couples using the forum independantly? I'll give it a bit more thought. Thanks for your interest Smiley.

Hi Bid Thanks for your reply. I've just read your thread, and it seems unbelievable that so many of us seem to go through the same problems when trying to get a dx. I don't think anyone could diagnose me with AS if they only met me for an hour or so. I'm quite good at 'faking nt', even though I don't fake it deliberately. My Relate councillor only mentioned AS to me after about 10 sessions (i.e. after he had got to know me), so how could a complete stranger in a white coat make up his mind after only an hour in my company? I'm not really sure if I would want to pursue a private dx or not. Perhaps I would. I'll need to think about that. If anyone knows of a private psychologist with AS experience in my area (Hull...or the Yorkshire area) then I might give it a go. Thanks again Bid

Hi everyone, I've been thinking about joining a forum that deals with aspergers for some time, so it was great when I found this one. The site looks really alive with lots of recent posts. I was self diagnosed with AS a couple of years ago after our Relate marriage councillor suggested it to us. When we went home that day and googled 'asperger syndrome', it was a real shock to me that all of these web sites seemed to be talking about me. Lots of the symptoms seemed to fit. I knew straight away that I had AS to some degree, and my wife agreed. My wife didn't know whether this was good news or bad. At last she had some recognition that what she had been upset about for all these years wasn't in her head (I had told her it was). But because the sites said there was no cure, it was very upsetting for her particularly. I didn't really feel any different, apart from the fact that I was reading all these accounts from partners of AS sufferers that tied in almost exactly to what my wife had been telling me for years. Therefore, although I still didn't feel any guilt for making her life a misery for years, I knew by 'mechanical reasoning' that it must be true. Through my GP I had three visits to see a psychiatrist and psychologist at a local mental health clinic, and what a waste of time that was. In the waiting room I was surrounded by people who obviously had severe mental health problems, and I felt as though I was in the wrong place. The psychologist told me that, considering the severity of the cases he deals with daily, he couldn't diagnose me with AS because of how normal I was in comparison (not the exact words, but you get my drift). So I'm not diagnosed as AS, but i know I have it (although not as far down the spectrum as some people that I've read about). My marriage of 23 years was totally on the rocks two years ago, and has been up and down since the self diagnosis. Recently it's been a little better, but for how long? The problem is this...I know now that I haven't supported my wife emotionally (in family disputes etc), and I haven't had any empathy towards her (like when her mum died), and I've never trusted her judgement (for some reason I'd rather believe a complete stranger). But I don't feel any guilt. I want to feel some guilt, but I just don't. I want to break down and get upset about the past, but something inside me is stopping me doing so (some sort of defence mechanism). Does anybody else feel the same way? I know it sounds too simplistic, but if I could feel some guilt, and show my wife that I feel bad about the past, then we might be able to draw a line under the past and move on. I've read quite a lot about lack of empathy etc, but cannot find much information on guilt. Has anyone got any views? This is my first post, so i hope I haven't rambled on too much. -------------------- Luigi Stop the world I want to get off!

Hi everyone, I've been thinking about joining a forum that deals with aspergers for some time, so it was great when I found this one. The site looks really alive with lots of recent posts. I was self diagnosed with AS a couple of years ago after our Relate marriage councillor suggested it to us. When we went home that day and googled 'asperger syndrome', it was a real shock to me that all of these web sites seemed to be talking about me. Lots of the symptoms seemed to fit. I knew straight away that I had AS to some degree, and my wife agreed. My wife didn't know whether this was good news or bad. At last she had some recognition that what she had been upset about for all these years wasn't in her head (I had told her it was). But because the sites said there was no cure, it was very upsetting for her particularly. I didn't really feel any different, apart from the fact that I was reading all these accounts from partners of AS sufferers that tied in almost exactly to what my wife had been telling me for years. Therefore, although I still didn't feel any guilt for making her life a misery for years, I knew by 'mechanical reasoning' that it must be true. Through my GP I had three visits to see a psychiatrist and psychologist at a local mental health clinic, and what a waste of time that was. In the waiting room I was surrounded by people who obviously had severe mental health problems, and I felt as though I was in the wrong place. The psychologist told me that, considering the severity of the cases he deals with daily, he couldn't diagnose me with AS because of how normal I was in comparison (not the exact words, but you get my drift). So I'm not diagnosed as AS, but i know I have it (although not as far down the spectrum as some people that I've read about). My marriage of 23 years was totally on the rocks two years ago, and has been up and down since the self diagnosis. Recently it's been a little better, but for how long? The problem is this...I know now that I haven't supported my wife emotionally (in family disputes etc), and I haven't had any empathy towards her (like when her mum died), and I've never trusted her judgement (for some reason I'd rather believe a complete stranger). But I don't feel any guilt. I want to feel some guilt, but I just don't. I want to break down and get upset about the past, but something inside me is stopping me doing so (some sort of defence mechanism). Does anybody else feel the same way? I know it sounds too simplistic, but if I could feel some guilt, and show my wife that I feel bad about the past, then we might be able to draw a line under the past and move on. I've read quite a lot about lack of empathy etc, but cannot find much information on guilt. Has anyone got any views? This is my first post, so i hope I haven't rambled on too much.