Anastassia Florinevna

Jericho, it isn't just the anonymity I was looking for; I also want to blow off steam, and I also just find that career exciting. And Frangipani, I don't feel anxiety like that, I'm happy but would be so much happier if I had a clean slate! If I had a clean slate I wouldn't be worried about anything! But thanks for the advice, both of you.

I have a proposition. Maybe there can be a section where people can write diaries about their lives and how they feel. How many people would be interested in this? If you don't want to make one here maybe I can start one elsewhere and post a link to it here. Or is there already a site for that? If so, please link me to it! I really have a lot to vent about!

But the way I feel inside will change with my name. I'll no longer be shy because I'll no longer have nothing to be shy about.

Aargh, I'd be so mad if I were you! Those people are either shortsighted or bored with their dull lives! Say milk gave your son indigestion and the school knew, because he'd said in a conversation or something, but that he continued to drink milk because he had a serious calcium deficiency and constantly had to be drinking it because nothing else offered it as fast as he needed it? The school might end up killing him! LOL!

About

Maybe it's the feeling of power and control. Maybe those kids feel like they're being oppressed. If I felt oppressed at that age I'd probably do something similar.

Okay, so me and my parents are living in a tiny little room (about 11' by 9') in someone's house (where we have to share a less-than-clean kitchen and bathroom) and my parents both work for practically nothing; it covers food, gas, rent of the tiny room, and nothing else. I do not want to get a job, as there is no point; welfare pays more. But my mother does not want me to go on wlfare because it would damage my chances of ever being able to buy a house in the future or something. I don't want to get a job for now because what's the point when I'll have a job when I join the armed forces? There's no way I would be able to research this because it would probably take years to find an answer. I ask again if there are any Canadians here who know. If I went on disability, I'd get plenty, and be able to get an apartment and have a lot left over, but that might damage my ability to get into the armed forces if they do that kind of background check (I don't know exactly what background checks they do). Right now I'm waiting to get material for a correspondence course for my last credit in high school, so that I can get my diploma, but we need $75 to go get it, and we don't have that, so we'll have to wait a week or two. My father drank a bit last night and made me feel guilty for not having a job and not finishing that last credit in school, but the workload in grade 12 was too much for me with 2 major subjects and 1 easier one, and then one other option that gave more work than the other 3 put together, and I had to drop it because it was stressing me out. At times I think that someone will ask, "Why do you want to join the military if you get easily stressed?" The answer: to get rid of stress, to blow off steam. It seems like a simpler life, with no research or papers to complete or anything. It's a different kind of stress, a kind of good stress I had when I was near a school shooting and the killer was rumored to be walking the streets around me. I've never felt that neurotypical PTSD due to physical threats... well I may have, but I enjoyed it in a weird way; it wasn't depressing because I knew what I had to do. I loved reminiscing about it later; I was still excited from when it happened. The thing is, I got PTSD from normal things, like embarrassing moments, and walking the streets near where some of my old schoolmates live. I wonder if people will consider me weird for being so disaster-happy. Is anyone else here disaster-happy like me? I'm so scared no one will reply to this because it's incoherent or weird or something!

LOL, that's very true sometimes haha! It depends though; some people with AS might be obsessed (come on, you all know what an obsession is!) with the Armed Forces and therefore know every detail there is to know, and the bigger picture, and everything!

I wonder if prolonged daydreaming can make a person nearsighted, because I wasn't always nearsighted but now I am, and am getting more so. I sometimes think it's because I ceased to adjust to things far out because I didn't do a lot of external concentrating, so my eyes are now less flexible. Does anyone else feel the same way? A lot of the stuff like blurring, distortion, scrambling, etc. sounds like it may come from only certain parts of a person's mind paying attention.

Thanks so much Brooke, I'm glad someone besides me feels the way I do and sometimes runs away, lol. And I'd be accepted, but maybe not as much as if I had a clean slate (no embarrassing moments for them to remember, because don't forget, the chain started with outside influence and then came my shyness and embarrassment). Yes, I'd still be myself, but I'd ACT like myself as my new personna. I'd not act like someone I pretended to be like I did as my current name. I was so shy and embarrassed as this one, because of those events, and that was the only reason why I was shy and embarrassed. I wouldn't be as the new person because I'd know they don't know and I can pretend I was always like this. The only difference in my personna would be getting rid of the shyness and embarrassment, but it's a big difference.

So if someone gets off detention due to stress, any NT kid could say they have a lot of stress in their life and get off detention. A lot do have a lot of stress in their life. LOL, you guys will be famous for changing the school system... it's usually a loud minority that changes systems lately.

Maybe they adjust the lights because it's too bright (maybe the lights burn their eyes) or too dim for them (as in, their eyes don't adjust well to the darkness). Maybe they're embarrassed about being different from others in this way and thus don't want to tell people why they do it, so they pretend they just do it for fun or something. (I was just thinking about why I might do it; I've never done it or known anyone who did.)

I say explain to the entire school about it if the kid in question doesn't mind, and then no one can say they don't understand. If anyone still bothers him about it give them hell.

When I was little, I didn't have the vocabulary to explain why I wouldn't look my mother in the eyes. Now I do. I didn't because I hated that depressed look. I had better things to look at than a depressed person. More cheerful things. All she did was make me depressed. When she smiled, I knew it was fake. She said that was a smile, and I assumed that she meant that her whole expression was a smile, and therefore, I decided that I didn't like smiles. The same thing goes for happiness. She would give this fake happy smile, and I decided that if it was called happy then I didn't like happiness. And that was why I hated it when people said I should be smiling or happy, or that they liked smiling or happy people. I didn't understand that they would. Whenever I heard the word "smile" or "happy" I thought of depression, because that is what I thought those words meant. So I didn't connect with people the way I should have. If my father had been totally out of the picture (which my mother said sometimes should have been better, but it would have been way worse) I would have been way worse. Especially since my mother was such a loner, and since I didn't have many friends (sometimes not any at all) she was the most I was exposed to. I wasn't very happy. I only started loving her significantly when I was about 8 and had seen enough of her non-depressed moments. She labelled me with something that I considered her fault, and that was why I resented her. She thought my resenting her was part of the AS I was born with. She got even worse at times BECAUSE of me and that was the LAST thing I wanted or needed. At school and camp I was often a complete loser, though I had friends in all those places-- until high school (starting at grade 7). Then I started not having friends, because the shame (and often, visible depression) of being a loser earlier was sinking in, more and more as I got through high school, and of course there were still people in all those high schools who remembered me from before. I did not, and do not, want to be remembered that way. So I decided to keep a low profile. Big mistake. As a result, people paid MORE attention to me. I got diagnosed with AS when I was 14 and about to go into grade 9. I was switching schools, and there were people there who remembered me from before. I thought I had friends there but because we were so out of touch (them due to business and me due to feeling ashamed and wanting them to forget me) I didn't know that the main one had moved to a different school. I had left my last school due to embarrassment, as well as stress (high workload, it was supposed to be for "smart" people). I went out of the frying pan into the fire. I changed to a different school two years later. In this one people left me alone, but some heard abut me through the grapevine (the city I live in is so big but so small). The embarrassing moments compounded; I embarrassed myself by being elusive and then people would wonder why I was so elusive, why I didn't make friends. I also had the normal teenage embarrassing moments, which made it worse. It got to the point where I'd had so many embarrassing moments that some of them didn't seem so bad any more. If I accidentally flashed someone in the dressing room, I'd just be thankful I hadn't been outside naked. If I had a cold and my nose was running nonstop, and started to run down my face before I could get a kleenex, I would be thankful that I hadn't barfed in class. The fact that I was less aware (daydreaming about having a clean slate one day) made me have even more. I would forget my textbooks or fail three subjects or put my sweater on inside out while in the dark and daydreaming, and that would just make my present situation worse. I had no life, no stimulation, and chances to prove myself that had come at the wrong place/time. I wanted more than ever to make up for that and have the chances come at the right time. When my slate was CLEAN. I didn't want people to see me doing something good and make the connection with the weird stupid person who always screwed up. That would spoil it. I don't want to be doing things right for a change, and then someone else gets a zero on a test, and the teacher says someone got a zero but isn't telling who, and then everyone assumes it's me because of my reputation, even though it isn't. So to make up for some of the lost stimulation, and the lost chances, and the lost time, I plan to change my name, move elsewhere and join the military (I'm in Canada. Are there any other Canadians here?) I have a lot of steam to blow off, being misunderstood by many people, my mother in particular. But the military probably doesn't take people who change their names. They'll make the connection, and say, "This person changed their name completely because they weren't proud of the reputation associated with that name." They might do the check and find my original name was Jane Doe. They might do a check into Jane Doe, ask at the schools she went to-- and maybe even get answers, like, "She had no friends" or "she was beyond shy, and had psych problems" or something. They might just talk about my marks, but maybe not. Anyway, imagine something happened to me and they said on the news that "Mary Smith, born Jane Doe, was killed today in Afghanistan." Then everyone would know. I already told you why I don't want that. Furthermore, I don't even want people in the military to know that I was once Jane Doe, because what if they got curious and checked more? I don't know what they do, and if I asked them, their suspicions might be aroused. Maybe I'll be lucky and all they require is the three references they ask you for, which would be wonderful; they used to talk to people's neighbors and sometimes other poeple they knew, I don't know if they still do that. Please, I've been reading this forum for like 2 or 3 years, and I know you guys can be resourceful. Help me somebody! All I want is a clean slate and a chance. Thank you so much if you can help!

This reminds me of the aryan stuff and how the Nazis believed that blond hair and blue eyes are superior. I was actually reading something yesterday about this boy at Auschwitz with a blue spot in his green or brown eye and experiemnts were done on him to try and make the whole eye blue.