Corcaigh

Canopus, your description of most academic environments is strikingly (and sadly) true. I must add, things are slowly changing, also thanks to many people, like your admirable psychologist, who are trying to change direction. In the Psychology dept where I research, not many people ever talked or had any kind of rapport with a person in the spectrum. When they learn that I have an AS son they look at me with admiration, wondering "how i manage it". Of course, I rarely mention that I have many traits myself and yet I survive! However, as I said, there are people who are trying to change the establishment "from within". For instance by giving support not in a snobbish way but with proactive research. Even though I am a pessimist by nature, I am quite optimistic regarding this matter and I really hope things will get better in the future. For instance, in the College where I work (Cork, Ireland), I know for sure there are some Asperger students and even a coupe of Asperger lecturers who carefully keep their diagnosis hidden. I wish it was different, I wish there was more acceptance and pride. This is my hope for the future: no more hiding in the dark. Martina

Hi Fiorelli I would like to share my story with you,as we had a wonderful experience with play therapy when my son was about your son's age. He went regularly to see a play therapist (weekly sessions) for more than two years, until about 9 1/2. The play therapist was private, strongly recommended by the psychologist who was giving us a hand at the time (we were going through a bad crisis with the educational system). It was the best therapy my son ever had, in fact this person (who was, among other things, just a good person who loved the kids she was working with) was the first who ever suspected that my son might be in the spectrum. My son bonded with her very well and loved her to bits. At the beginning of the therapy, my son would go in the play therapy room alone, but I was asked to wait outside for the full hour in case of a crisis (which never occurred). After a year, little by little the therapist included me in the therapy session, which I found very interesting and helpful. Basically, it had emerged that me and my son hadn't bonded very well, due to the extreme lack of support (of any kind, family, social etc) that my husband and I encountered during his infancy (literally, up to the moment he started therapy) and to my personal circumstances. Doing play therapy with my son helped me tremendously too. Ad the very end of the therapy, when unfortunately she had to discontinue it because she was moving out of our city, she actually came at home with us to carry on the last sessions in a "special" room we had equipped with toys, paints, etc. This seem to be quite a standard procedure for play therapist so, I would say, yes, you are entitled to be present during your son's sessions, in fact it might be quite a beneficial thing. There is quite a seminal book by Virginia M. Axline, "Play Therapy" (Ballantine books) that might help you to understand the whole process. Moreover, you should ask the therapist to brief you extensively on the methods used (paints, toys, pretend play, dressing up etc), as it is your right. In fact I was encouraged to do some of this work at home, as well, with my son. As I told you, our play therapist was (I am sure still is!) a very good,dedicated person who helped us, as a family in distress, immensely. I am sure your therapist will be very willing to listen to you as well. No, there is no secrecy, in fact I recommend you get in touch with her in order to have a good chat about the work she's doing with your son. Take care, I hope this helped Martina from Ireland

Guide dogs for people in the spectrum are taking off quite well here in Ireland too, where they are becoming quite common. Thanks of course to the dedicated and often voluntary job of the Irish Guidedogs association. Here is the link regarding the dogs in assistance of Autistic children for whoever is interested: http://guidedogs.ie/?p=111

Unfortunately it is true. I live in Ireland, where alcohol has been used for decades as a self medication for depression, a very common problem in this island. Self-medication is more common than generally thought. We all do it somehow (chocolate, alcohol, nicotine, even compulsive running are all forms of self-medication, some healthier than others) but it makes me particularly sad when this happens in the spectrum, being the mother of an Asperger son with depressive tendencies Jimbo, maybe (it's only a thought) a diagnosis might help both you and your partner to make sense of what has been going on in your lives. It might even start a healing process. It is very important that you get the right psychologist, i.e. somebody who's not only interested in giving a label and taking the fee, but who's really interested in helping you. Maybe somebody in your area may know somebody trusted? keep in touch Martina

mmm... I went online too and to be honest I didn't bother with reading too much of it after Lucas' appalling description, but I was a bit disappointed that this crowd mentioned Dunfirth Farm here in Ireland as a place *they liked*. I always thought that Dunfirth Farm was a nice place, designed not to cure anybody, but to give a nice residential place with a chance to learn to grow organic vegetables to young people in the spectrum who cannot cope with the stressful demands of our society. I hope I did not get the whole picture wrong Publications like this leave me very disappointed. I assure you Lucas that around there are some good researchers who are really dedicated into eliminating the whole "cure" approach from the language commonly used in dealing with the Autistic Spectrum. As a parent of an Aspie and a researcher myself, I struggle everyday (without even being payed ...) in order to give my little contribution to this cause. Then something like that get out in the newsagents and it feels like starting from square one....

Well, sometimes it can be a relief too. The reason why we told our son is because he had started coming back from school calling himself a "freak". Moreover, in that old school of his they were making any possible effort to make him feel different... Knowing your own diagnosis can empower you as well, with time. My son is now really into animation (stop motion, etc), it's getting quite good at it and wants to make a career out of it. The other day we were watching a TV interview with Tim Burton (he saw a few of his films -the ones suitable for him - which he loved) and I told him that he was Asperger too. My son's reaction was "wow, so I can make films too, great". It's good that some famous people are coming out with it, it certainly gives us and our children good role models ;-)

Hi Lisa among all the others very good books that have been suggested already, I recommend to use also "Do you understand me?" by Sofie Koborg Brosen (JKP). My son was your son's age when we told him and explained his diagnosis, but he is an Aspie so we used the excellent Kenneth Hall book Asperger Syndrome, the universe and everything. The only things I can suggest are: focus on the strengths, stress that it is not an illness, bring the examples of all these kids in the spectrum who wrote books and somehow "became famous" as positive examples. Martina

Mumble, I can't believe she is a disability support officer. I'm dumbfounded *shocked face* Move down here to UCC... I would love to have you as a student <'> Martina

Hi Mumble I deal with ethics and confidentiality everyday - I am an university researcher and I do research mainly using Computer-Mediated Communication, therefore I think I can help you here. The fact that she used your private correspondence on a public forum without your consent is quite serious. The Internet is still a jungle as far as confidentiality and ethics are concerned - for instance everything published on the Web is considered of public dominion and it's not clear whether permission to use the material must be asked- but, in the case of private email, THERE IS NO DOUBT. An email is like a private letter (on paper) and you are liable of legal intervention if you publish a private letter on a newspaper (or a forum, the cyber-equivalent) without explicit consent. I'll give you an example of what I do and what I have to do to work with participants' data. Every single piece of material I use for textual analysis, whether an email, a chat, a forum post, a blog, etc., must have explicit consent from the author in order to be used by me. Even then, I change completely names and personal details to avoid identification. And even then, I DO NOT use the material in public, only with supervisors (internal college staff). If any excerpt has to be used say, on a paper or publication, it will be completely "camouflaged" to avoid identification. If I don't do this, the University will throw me out for infringement of ethical codes. Literally. If you want some references to support your accusation against this person (I really believe you should take action), write me privately, I will be happy to send you some stuff. Martina

I remember Phasmid very well. This is so sad. I am very sorry, sincere condolences to his family. Martina

The naked issue: it's the only one I want to address telling my experience. We were always very liberal with my son about his body, like, for instance, nothing to be ashamed with being naked, he's only a little kid etc. Then, when he turned 7/8 he went through a phase when he thought that pulling down his pants (and underpants) in public was an extremely funny thing to do. We then started discouraging this behaviour very strongly but, unfortunately, we could not control him at school. At that stage he had a VERY prudish resource teacher who immediately gave the behaviour a sexual connotation (rather than an innocent attention seeking one, as it was) and,instead of dealing with it, he made the principal, who was an ignorant *beep* <insert very rude term here>, call the social services. Fortunately the social worker who came to visit us had a brain, and dismissed the whole case as the hysteria of a young teacher and the arrogance of an insensitive principal. Who remembers my story (sorry i don't post much here but I read very regularly, believe me ;-)), might also remember that we later changed school, and with the right approach, that attention seeking behaviour also disappeared. Of course now my son is 12 and will never dream of doing something like that in public (especially at the moment: he has an awful crush on a girl in his class and he's desperately trying to attract her attention by looking cool!). I just wanted to post my story to say: there are people who understand that he's only a cute boy just acting out, but other people might put you (and your child) in trouble for the innocent behaviour. Unfortunately we live in a society that often don't understand. My two cents (I'm in the euro zone Martina

Happy new year to everybody! Sorry for intruding again but I am currently looking for "fresh" participants for the research. The "pilot" stage is concluded and I now intend to gather more material for the next six more before starting the analysis. If somebody else is interested in on-line talking/writing to me can still contact me. You can find all the information on the website: http://www.ucc.ie/en/iscl/. No need to say that whoever is interested in the results of the research, whether participant or not, can get updates by contacting me privately. Thanks! Martina

Hi Jim, if I were you I would skip your GP altogether and would get a therapist or a counsellor (pick somebody trained in dealing with AS, it would be the best) to have a chat with. Keep always in mind that AS is not an illness (and you seem very fit indeed! ;-)) but just a different wiring, and a good chat with somebody sympathetic is worth more than 100 GP's examinations Keep us posted! Martina from Ireland

Amanda, I've read your topic only now and I can only say that you are an incredibly brave woman. I am so sorry. Your news was so shocking. Try to find some closure on Monday and get as much support as you can. Martina, from Ireland

I live in Cork, Ireland. Any other Irish in the forum? Martina

Hi LittleRae, where in Ireland are you? I'm in Cork, and my son is more or less your son's age (he will be 12 next month) and we are going through the same questions ;-) There is a difference though: my son is quite curious and, typical of him he often asks all sort questions in very inappropriate moments. I wonder whether your son is upset about school for other reasons, and is using the sex education class as a way to convey his anxiety. Is he in mainstream? Is his SNA aware of his feelings? Check out what's going on in his class. My son had problems in his old school (now he changed since 2006, thank goodness!). He was much younger there and unfortunately no intervention was being done on him, so some of his "inappropriate" behaviours (that now have totally disappeared since he changed schools) were chastised as "sexual" behaviour. An example: he used to pull his pants down just to attract attention (typical behaviour). Notice that he was 8 then. His resource teacher made a fuss out of this, got "shocked" (I repeat, he was a small 8 yr old boy) and quickly gave a sexual implication to the behaviour. I know you all feel like laughing but I swear it's true. No need to say that the teacher had an issue with sex, not my son. Please, do check what's going on in his class. Since we had such a bad experience with the Irish Primary education System in the past (not now, for the moment he's happy), I am very weary of anything "strange" going on in our children's behaviour. I hope I'm wrong ;-) In the meanwhile, I suggest you a book that my son finds very interesting, it's called "Growing up" from Usborne Facts of Life, i bought it in Eason but I've seen it in Waterstones too. There are a lot of practical aspects of puberty and adolescence and it's written in clear children language. My son finds it interesting also because he wants to look "cool" for girls , and there are a lot of simple trick from how to brush your teeth properly to how to have a proper shower described. Luke Jackson's books about adolescence under an Aspie's perspective are also very good. Good luck, keep in touch Martina

Perfect Actually, alcohol in social situation is a coping strategy more common than you think. Just step in a pub on a busy Friday night ;-) I also agree with Lucas, when he writes there's not such a thing as BAS. However, the DSM requirements for the diagnosis of AS are getting quite blurred and, if you reject the medical model (as I do), you see that the definition of Aspie traits is often a matter of intepretation. A practical example: my son has a full diagnosis but never had problems with things like eye contact and he's quite sociable if given a chance. He might have some oddities when he's in a busy social contest (like in a crowded party), but with one or two people he's actually quite a friendly and funny guy. Definitely not a loner. There you are. Is he borderline? Is he fully Aspie? The psychiatrist went for the latter option. Sometimes, I think I'm more difficult than he is. Very complicated.

Hi Ian I agree with you, I don't see much the need of a diagnosis. I consider myself borderline but I would not qualify for a diagnosis because I am considered a "sociable" person. And yet, what is "sociable"? I believe I developed good coping strategies when I was a teenager. I didn't feel right in a lot of situations but I knew I had to "get on with it" (=peer pressure) and I did it. All my traits didn't make sense until my son was diagnosed in 2005. Then, the penny dropped. I decided to study psychology, ASD and AS in a rather obsessive way ;-) and I'm glad I did it as I don't want anybody to tell me anymore what is right or wrong for myself and my son. I would like him to develop his own "way of life", the way I developed mine. The good thing is that now that I am aware, when my son drives me up the wall I finally stop and think "hey, I'm the same!", which make life much easier :-) Do not resort to alcohol, find instead a "positive" obsession and focus on it. Try also to avoid situations that cause distress and anxiety. For instance, I get very anxious anytime there is a change in routine (typical example: summer holidays). This anxiety has been, in the past, quite impairing (for the whole family, you can imagine). Therefore I decided to structure holidays in a way that resembles "normal" periods, creating a sort of fake routine (babysitters usually help a lot). So on so forth. Writing in a forum like this usually help too. Take care and keep posting Martina

Weeks ago (maybe in July) I had sent them an email asking information for the Belfast one. They never replied. Is anybody going to that one? Is it necessary to book in advance? thanks Martina

Hi everybody, I'm here again. Maybe many of you won't remember me as I post so rarely (but I keep reading you, really!), but I am Martina from Cork, Ireland, parent of an Aspie boy and with some Aspie traits myself (no wonder I turned ASD into a lifetime obsession ). Some members of this forum generously sent me PMs with offers of help a few months ago, therefore I feel I owe them some updated news about my research. I've finally published a website about it: http://www.ucc.ie/en/iscl/ and I would be grateful if you could take a look. It is still tentative and will be changed and updated on an everyday basis, but it might give you an idea about my kind of research. I am not looking for participants in the "classic" passive academic way, I am actually looking for people who can give me an active input and some fresh ideas to implement. If you're interested feel free to contact me (either PM me or write buckleym@iol.ie). Thanks for your time, I know it's precious. Cheers from Ireland Martina

Baddad, that was hilarious! Seriously now I did get that book for my son (we are all cat lovers here, and our cat is spoilt rotten ) and he loved! (my daughter and myself loved it too ) Martina

Puffin, it looks to me like you have plenty of material for going legal here. I had a slightly similar experience with my son (who's 11 too) when he was still in his horrible old school (left in '05) and started coming home with bruises on his arm produced by his ignorant SNA (Special need Assistant, here in Ireland). There were also witnesses who had seen him dragged by this person around the school. This was the last straw (there were many more issues of course, that school was very abusive towards special need children and their parents) and we withdrew him. Since he moved to a new school full of professionals who really know how to handle Asperger kids, his improvements have been exponential. Now he's a different child, full of interests, his violent reactions completely disappeared (he's not afraid of school anymore, obviously) and we are the living proof of how correct handling and sensitiveness can turn a stressed and anxious child into a cheerful being. If you have a valid alternative, do change school. The reason why we didn't take legal action towards the old school was because at the time we were two very exhausted and depressed parents. If you have the energy, do it. Do not let them abuse you child. Take care, Martina

Guys, this thread is exhilarating!

Cocaine. Ok, only joking I gave up on the concept of sanity ages ago. Martina

I have a few traits and my husband has definitively traits of AS (had a difficult childhood too). Even though I think we are all a bit AS in our families I definitively had no surprises when my son was diagnosed Martina