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elaine1

taming teens - tv prog

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anyone watch this last night, i have been thinking about it all night long. The boy on the prog was 13. He constantly disrupted the household, he spat and was very violent towards his parents and sisters.

 

as i watched the prog the lady they brought in to sort him out tried to control him, and in some way made progress, she took his family to a castle to watch his behaviour on a screen, why i dont know!!!!.

anyway, he was clearly scared about this and said to his did you dint tell me we were coming here- i dont like this.

 

also she tried to introduce locks to the girls bedrooms as he had no sense of privacy or personal space and just barged in at any time, but again he was terrified and there rocks at the windows screaming dont put a lock on my door, youre not putting locks on the doors.

 

his parents adi they took him to the docs but he looked classic AS to me, i think anyone who knew anything about AS could spot it a mile off. Wondered if anyone else thought the same?

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Hi I cant get channel five I have digital tv but its a bad reception, but I did see the advert and wonder myself how many of these kids on these kinds of shows have an underlying medical problem, be it ODD, ADHD, AS, HFA or learning disabilties, its mad that no one put these kids in an assessment, they spend loads on stratagies to show the parents, and children their mistakes, but just because the child is naughty doesnt mean they cant have something medical as well, an AS child can be still brought up in a house hold of no disapline and boundries but they still have AS.

 

Many children in care are later been diagnosed AS or Autism later down the line, in their early years their behaviour that was down to no disaplin or boundries or bad parenting but in care their later diagnosed.

 

JsMum

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I haven't posted for some time but had to reply to this. That boy was my son in 6 years. He has ODD and AS traits. I was horrified to see what the future holds for us all. Until last night I though, and had been told that he would get better as he got older but that looks very unlikly. That boy lived in a middle class family, something the presenter made very clear, she said that bad behaviuor crosses all social clasess.

 

Ben even watched some of it and when i asked him he said "I know he's like me, just don't talk about it, why don't you just die?" He found it very uncomfortable to watch. Apart from the swaering he was a carbon copy of Ben. :tearful:

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It did cross my mind that there was something more to it than bad behaviour. At times he seemed very scared (eg: re the locks). I don't think we saw enough to know, but he did not come over like the other children I have seen on there.

 

Karen

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I actually got quite upset watching this programme last night. He was not your typical "rebellious teenager" as they referred to him in the programme.

 

The AS traits were definately there as far as I was concerned: lack of eye contact, opposition to change, obsessions with Coronation Street and jigsaw puzzles, lack of concern for others' welfare, no understanding of privacy issues with his sisters, feeling scared in new places, outbursts during meal times and first thing in the morning, wearing the same clothes all the time.

 

I felt appalled by his behaviour but at the same time desperately sad for him because I recognised myself at his age, in him. His parents were not in control, at all, at times they would just stand there and let him scream obscenities and spit at them without following this up with a suitable punishment. The methods and rules that the "teen tamer" used to try and make the situation better echoed the advice I gave on here recently regarding children and when they lash out/have outbursts. It's all about rules and routine, whether they have an ASD or not. Yes we are more sensitive and get more easily upset/disturbed/angry/frustrated by things, but that these things can build up to where we lash out or have an outburst and as such are accepted as just being part of our condition, is not right for the child neither does it mean that it is the only way to get the upset out of our systems. I read on here all the time that people have had enough and that they don't know what to do, and I understand fully how hard it must be. But at the end of the day, if you want something to get better you have to do something, positive. Your child will not change until you change the way you treat your child. They're kids, they don't have the ability to inwardly look at themselves all the time and be able to identify what is making them upset. To teach the child how to manage their outbursts and to reinforce the rules and routine is the only way to make positive progress I believe. The key is to find a way to identify all the little problems before they become one big problem.

 

ASD kids have enough problems getting to grips with living without their parents believing that they are just little monsters and that nothing can be done with them. It's called the Self-Fulfilling Prophecy...if you believe that, and you project it onto your children, that's how they will behave.

 

Viper, your concerns are justified but will ultimately be fulfilled if you have this negative vision of how your son will grow up. Put the right rules and routine in place now and it doesn't have to get this far. Lots of love and lots of praise are always more effective than worrying and stress. The fact that the boy lived in a middle class family is only an indicator of the fact that if the parents don't have the right skills to effectively manage their child, no amount of money or better living area will change this...it is not an indicator that the child is unmanagable regardless of the social class because the "teen tamer" proved that positive changes can be made.

 

I'm not bashing parents here, but if you put all the blame at the feet of a child there will never be a positive solution. :D

 

Badonkadonk

xxx

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badonkadonk, thank you for being so open about this. I know it's down to how I handle Ben but I need to know how to do that. I currently have no DX of anything concrete (possible AS and ODD) keep being told he is complex and a bright boy so he will cope. I don't want him to cope I want him to succeed in life and need to know how to help him.

 

The reason I say I can see this for us in the future is because there is no help or advice on how to help him. All the time out techniques don't work with him, he just gets more violent. I can't talk to him about any of his problems because he just screams in my face so I can't get through to him. I desperately want to change our behaviour to ultimately help him but where to begin, I just don't know.

 

I know there is a lovely boy in him, he can be so sweet, and I know he doesn't want to be the way he is but I need a starting point to help him. I do what I can to make life for us as livable as possible but I do feel I am fighting my husband as well sometimes. I just get something in place and he does the opposite so that doesn't help. If we could have some advice on strategies that we could all stick to it would make life more simple.

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I saw the programe and had a strange feeling when I saw the boy go to the castle , real fear and anxiety and I wondered about ASD.I also jumped up when the advisor told him to look at her,I hope the family life improves for them.The parents seemed so tired and weak.

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I'm not bashing parents here, but if you put all the blame at the feet of a child there will never be a positive solution. :D

 

Badonkadonk

 

How right you are. Being a parent of any child is a very very difficult task. But parenting ASD kids is the of the greatest challenge I have ever had to face.

 

I find it difficult as a NT parent to put myself in the mindset of my ASD children. However I must agree with you the need for stability, rules and boundaries are paramount. Without these my son is wild. He finds comfort in knowing what is coming next. To me it chokes me. I am impulsive by nature, so the rules boundaries mindset are totally alien to me.

 

I used to allow my DS to do what he wanted because of his ASD and I felt guilty (as a parent) he dictacted to me and his sister and had such an influence on our lives that I was on the verge of a mental breakdown.

 

Firmness and love is the key to parenting an ASD child. Setting boundaries and sticking to them no matter what it costs and how tired you are even though u want to commit child abuse! Both my children challenge me in different ways.

 

I have requested some ASD specific parenting classes and am goign into my sons school to see how things are done in the school so that we are all going to do the same thingl. Because my son is non verbal its much more difficult to communicate. I need to be taught how to communicate with my own CHILD!!!!!

 

Lifes tough but u just gotta get on and try havent you.

 

BTW I didnt see this programme last night bit miffed hope it gets repeated.

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I knwo the family concerned in this prog. The boy went to my son's primary school. He has autism.

I don't know why it never got a mention, but these programmes seldom do. I think the bahaviouralists want to be seen as correcting bad behaviour not 'curing' autism or similar.

 

Personally, I don't agree with the father's statement that the programme misrepresented them or made them out to be bad parents.

 

I think they came out of it very well, and while the progress acheived by the teen tamer was very limited, compared to how the young lad was behaving at the start it was a great step forward.

 

If the family can manage to carry on as the program finished then with a lot of hard work they may get the benefits they deserve.

 

Sadly after more than a year since the program was made the newspaper reports make out that things haven't gone too well.

 

 

I hope that they do sort things out because they are enduring a pretty hellish experience as things stand right now,

Mike

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mbrown, ty for your reply. I worried all night about that boy, I do hope the situation resolves itself a little cos i could see no way out for him or his family. It broke my heart to see his face at times he looked so scared and bewildered. God help them all.

Edited by elaine1

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CarolJ my thoughts exactly, it's Tough Love with the emphasis on Love.

 

Viper, here's an interesting site I found...http://www.behaviouralmanagement.co.uk/index.html it could be the Lorrine Marer who appears in the Teen Tamer programme. What I will do is email the address it gives and ask if she/they would consider contributing to the Forum with a sort of Top Ten Tips or First Steps to take in getting in control of bad behaviour. If we ask for a small contribution like that, perhaps she will do it for free!!! Then again my eternal optimism might be getting the better of me and chances are I won't get a reply at all, you never know until you try! I will keep you posted.

 

If nothing fruitful comes of this then I've had another idea, whether this has been done or not on the Forum I don't know, I'm still pretty much a newbie. Perhaps in the Help and Advice section we can start a thread entitled something like Bad Behaviour Advice and encourage everyone to post any little tips or hints that they have, no matter how big or small so that we can document all the advice for everyone to benefit from. You can never stop learning, IMO!

 

For now though here are a few things you can try, I know it's all very well me telling you what the end goal is that you need to achieve...it's finding the path towards it that's the hard part, I understand.

 

1) Rules: follow the Teen Tamer's advice! Pick the four or five elements of your child's bad behaviour and set a punishment for each. But a relevant punishment and not just "go to your room". Stop him from playing with his favourite toy, don't give him any verbal contact for 10 minutes, add a chore that he must complete for the week, stop him watching the tv for an hour. Sit down with your husband to do these rules, and your child if possible, if you and your husband don't agree on how to parent, until you can sit down and address this together (see later advice) take 2 elements each and assign the punishment you think is fair for those two elements, just make sure that you are consistent in enforcing his or hers chosen punishment. For example if you choose to take away his toy everytime he hits out and your husband chooses another punishment for everytime he shouts for no reason. Make sure you enforce his punishment when he shouts and he enforces yours for when he hits out. That way even if you aren't thinking alike, you're acting together and being consistent. Also set rules for yourselves and other children so that he doesn't feel like he is being isolated. Display the rules in a prominent room of the house such as the kitchen or living room.

 

2) Set a routine for your child, especially if you have problems in the morning and before bedtime. Again, if you can get your child to do this with you, brilliant, if not enforce following the routine as one of the rules and apply a suitable punishment if he misbehaves. Make sure that in the routine you lay out clearly what is expected of your son each morning. He must get out of bed, make his bed, eat his breakfast, wash and clean teeth etc. Lay it all out so that he knows what is coming each morning. The same goes for bedtime, make it clear what he needs to do and why and try and keep the routine as consistent as possible. Display the routines in his room in a bright, colourful and positive way. If you simply write them out in black ink he is less likely to respond positively. Also, and this applies for the rules as well, any time that he follows the routine or has less outbursts during the day than normal....use lots and lots of praise and positive contact. Using a star chart can also be effective.

 

3) Try and identify the times of the day that he is usually more problematic, then look at where he is when this happens. Do the problems occur just after school? Is he more likely to be badly behaved if he is in the kitchen or the living room? Is his behaviour worse when around more than one person or when he is on his own? The reason for this is so you can get a better understanding of why the outbursts happen and when. At least if there is a pattern you can prepare yourself for it happening, this may enable you to have more control over the situation. For example I hate being downstairs when tea is being cooked, there's too much going on, the extractor fan is noisy, the tv is usually blaring to compensate for this, then my mom will have conversations with people in the living room at the same time but neither one can hear the other so it all becomes one big shouting fest. For anyone else this is just normal and they don't even get affected by it. For me, it's hell on earth as all the noises blend into one and I can't cope, the littlest thing will annoy me and on these occassions I am more likely to lose it altogether. So I stay upstairs out the way until dinner is ready, problem solved.

 

4) The fact that you and your husband do not see "eye to eye" on how to manage your child's behaviour is a big stumbling block in working towards a happier home. I don't know the full details so I won't speculate what the differences are, but the problem needs to be addressed. My advice, set aside one evening or part of the weekend to talk to your husband about this issue. Ideally you need to lump the kids elsewhere, hopefully you have grandparents that will look after them for an hour or so. Then take your husband somewhere public, seriously, a restaurant, libary, coffee shop. By doing this you have to talk to each other about the problems in a civil manner. Neither can shout at the other and neither can either of you stomp off into another room. Does your husband know as much about ASDs as you do? Is he aware of this site? Does he know the true extent of how you feel on this matter? If he doesn't, make him aware. If he isn't as knowledgeable as you about this stuff, he won't understand as much as you about this stuff. Similarly if he is at work all day while you stay at home, his focus won't solely be on the kids as yours will be. Can you film your child having the outbursts he has when your husband isn't there? I'm not saying they are any different, but it's possible they are. Also, get him take a couple of his days holiday to step into your shoes for once! Or leave him to it for one weekend. This might wake him up to seeing your point of view.

 

5) Try and find out what makes your son angry. I know you said you can't talk to him about it because he just screams in your face, but perhaps ask him to draw pictures or wait until he's in a quiet mood, if ever! Just don't give up trying, and be as positive as possible. Instead of saying, what's wrong, why are you like this, say what can we do, together, to make it better.

 

Ok, I'm out, for now lol! My brain hurts, hope this helps any...I know I'm not a parent and therefore can't possibly understand as much as you or anyone else. But I have my own childhood experiences, still very raw in my mind, a big fat IQ and far too much time on my hands so if 1% of this post helps, it's good enough for me!

 

Badonkadonk

xxx

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I just don,t understand why the programe makers never mentioned his autism or learning difficulties!............surely it was relevant to the programme???.............which makesme feel they did perhaps have a hidden agenda with the portrayal of this lad.Which in turn makes me annoyed!!!!!

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Badonkadonk, again I thank you for your invaluable insight. The steps you have suggested are excelent. When I watch these programmes I always think I could do that but can never remember how, so to have it written down is excellent.

 

The main problem with my husband is that he works away, so when he comes home Ben is disrupted and we tend to make allowances for him. But I know that is wrong. Dh has the biggest problem with being consistent as he wants things to be "nice" while he is home but can't see that he is not helping by being lenient.

 

I am already working on a behaviour plan with rules and rewards for him, These will be stuck up prominantly and we must stick to them. I am also waiting for an appointment with camhs so I can get more advice or maybe (fingers crossed) a DX.

 

Thank you again for your help.

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Hi,

I just can't see how this programme could have given a 'balanced and informative' view of this boy's behavioural problems if his asd was never mentioned ?

I would be livid if this was my child, surely his asd was the key issue here ? and without that 'key' the programme took a whole different slant ?

grrrr,

 

wac

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I didn't see the programme at all, shame as i do like that type of programme. I am annoyed that if the child had been known to have Autism that they didn't feel they should mention it :angry: . there is so many of us parents wondering if being as/asd is in 1 way a excuse for our childrens behavior, in 1 way we keep on trying to keep them "Normal ", yet we are also trying so hard to see things from their point of view,. T know what is ok foer our kids is a big thing, we don't want to make life to hard for them, but we don't want them to "get away " with cwertain things, also that life does happen, we can only do our very best to suport them in the best way we know how.

Badonkadonk I also want to thank you for your posts, they allways seem to offer so much, a insight really. Thank-you.

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Hi,

I just can't see how this programme could have given a 'balanced and informative' view of this boy's behavioural problems if his asd was never mentioned ?

I would be livid if this was my child, surely his asd was the key issue here ? and without that 'key' the programme took a whole different slant ?

grrrr,

 

wac

 

I must admit if I didn't have any experience of AS I wouldn't have known. They did make a brief statement that the parents had sought medical advice, but that could have been about a boil on his bum, it could have easilly been missed.

 

It could have gone a long way to highlight the problems faced by parents and AS kids, but no mention was made. :huh:

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Exactly,

I they bothered to say that the parents had sought medical advice and left it at that, it automatically makes you assume there was no underlying condition, or is that just me ?

I'd still be one angry parent :angry:

night, night,

 

wac

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Unfortunately I didn't see the programme. :( It's a topic I'm always in need of help with to deal with my teen. Thank you Badonkadonk for explaining the steps and possible strategies to follow. There are several things that you mention that I think could work well with my son. In our case the situation may be even more difficult at times because there's no dad here, it's just me who has to deal with everything. M can get very defiant and insulting, so I warn him, he goes on, I punish him, but guess what... he goes on and behaves even worse deliberately as a revenge :devil: . It can go on and on and escalate to him being violent and God knows what. He doesn't see punishment as such but as a personal attack, the same thing happens at school. And then he's sick, depressed, with phobia etc.. not as a made up histerical reaction, but unfortunately very real. It's finding the right system and the right balance to teach him that is so hard. He has very little insight of what makes him angry and his perception of situations is usually different from what NT teens would see. I also think that a new thread about behaviour where everyone can post ideas for AS children would be a great idea!

 

Curra

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I can't stop my family watching tacky ###### like this, but I do try to explain to them how it gets filmed over a period of time and is then subject to intensive editing. What is seen in a programme will rarely ever reflect real life. I've refused to speak to journalists or work with local media before because they are just untrustworthy.

 

The programme-makers' comments are slippery and disingenous; they're blurring the difference between what happened in reality and what is shown in broadcast on television. But..

 

The family have themselves to blame. When the programme-makers says: "The Sweeneys specifically requested that Michael?s extreme behaviour be portrayed in the programme" I believe that is true and they violated their son. He is too young and immature to understand the consequences of his behaviour, he doesn't understand that if he must do these things he should at least keep them very strictly private. His parents did not protect his privacy when he can't do it himself. Privacy is very important for personal development. I think the problems the quack had with the boy was partly to do with the fact that he began to realise he had no privacy, it's partly why a lot of Autistics are afraid of new or public places: there is no privacy.

 

No good guys in this story.

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Too true Lucas,

 

It's the thing that upsets me the most about the programme, the fact that this child is now labelled for all to see as a naughty little boy. Usually they ARE just naughty children that need reigning in and given lots of love and structure and positivity. But he's Autistic for gods sake, another label is the last thing he needs.

 

Ultimately though, whether the footage was manipulated and tweaked or what not, the evidence screamed that the family did not know how to manage a boy with Autism. How can they go crying to a newspaper saying they were mis-represented, using his Autism to justify this when in the end they *seemingly* don't know what the hell that is anyway and subjected him to having strangers in the home for a prolonged period of time instead of persisting in getting the right support and help available from a number of professionals. The "teen tamer's" tips were valid, regardless of the fact that the programme didn't address his Autism and she did make positive changes, I can only hope this has made his life a little easier.

 

The more I see things like this the more I just want to urge everyone to try, try and try again in understanding your children. Read everything you can, keep notes of the valid points and look at them often so you are always fresh with information. It's a lot of work but it's also a lot of work to look after a child that you don't understand and can't control. And remember to involve the whole family because it never gets any easier. My mom understands, my boyfriend is like an angel, my dad tries but I don't think he really believes that I am this way and there's no changing me! But my sister couldn't give a hoot, even since my diagnosis she hasn't bothered to find out any information, doesn't take my AS into account and now generally just treats me like an idiot. She's 3 years younger than me and talks to me like I can't add 2 and 2 together. I plead with my mom all the time to talk to my sister about it, but sometimes everyone is just a little bit too busy living their own lives :(

 

Badonkadonk

xxx

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As always Lucas u r right.I didnt watch the program so i cant coment,but i think the parents did him an injustise by allowing the child to be put on tv in view of all.People make judgments of others often the wrong one so to put this boy in the firing line like that is very wrong

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