Adulthood and AS, how the hell do you cope?

[Sojourned]

Revision: This ended up being 4 times the length I intended, but if you've got the time to read it I'm in fairly dire need of help.

 

Well, as some of you may have gathered from my thread the other week, I've moved from the UK to Melbourne and after 3 days I already can't cope. Now 5 days as this took so long to write.

 

For the past three years I've been trying, hard, to deal with AS and the affect it had on my life. Starting full-time college in 2003 (at 16) was very much a do-or-die situation thanks to some fairly life-changing events earlier in the year. Before I started I had no 'real' friends to speak of and was in a state of mind where I couldn't even get on a bus on my own. If I couldn't get over that and make a go of college I couldn't see any point in continuing life in general.

 

Anyway, to cut 3-year-story short(ish), I got by, met some people I went to school with 5 years before, became friends again and after a while formed a close-knit friendship with the guys in my class and started to manage life. By 17 I'd lost all issues about buses and had started using trains on my own as well (I know it sounds meager, but for me it was significant), at 18 I managed to navigate London twice alone, and I was petrified of cities. Earlier this year I got halfway round the country and back using trains on my own (including London at rush hour), the thought of flying to Australia alone didn't bring on any real anxiety issues and even though it was difficult I was fairly confident I could deal with anything should I put my mind to it.

 

That was longer than intended, but if you're still with me, I'll take you to the present week. Managed Heathrow airport without much difficulty, the flight was fine, met family friends at Hong Kong and other than not sleeping I was able to go around (not alone, but..) the city without any serious issue.

 

Flight to Oz again went fine, feeling nervous but as confident as I could be, although it pretty much went downhill from there. The friend I have (had?) out here was acting indifferently to my arrival and distant from the point we met, which I can't fathom. Even though we only met in real life once 3 years ago, for the past 3.5 years we've been in effectively constant contact online and have been generally open with each other up until 2-3 weeks ago where we've been talking very little.

 

Next day, things get worse. I was going into the city with my friend and her mum to go shopping (this may sound odd, but her mum's fairly young at heart and we've always got on well). Again the friend was acting distant from the point we left which didn't take long to kill my mood, and as soon as we got out the station in the city my anxiety's back like it was 3 years ago. All the people, noise and smells immediately started getting to me and the confusion with me and the friend was making it all worse.

 

By the last shop I was (mentally) in a complete state. I was getting dizzy, couldn't think, could barely breathe and the cheerful NT people all perfectly fine in there just made me want to break down and cry in the middle of the damn store. Is this what I've been working to beat for 3 years comes down to? How the hell can I travel the world like I used to dream of if as soon as I'm somewhere new everything falls apart? The proverbial light/flamethrower at the end of the tunnel is nothing but a dimly lit curve taking me straight back to everything I fought to leave behind.

 

On the way back/in the evening I was shattered with nothing to turn to and just zoned out for a while. Confronted the friend later and asked what was going/if there was any point in me being here, all I got was an excuse about it being harder to talk to people face to face than through a screen. Obviously, being AS I know what that's like, but after we've known each other so long and the extent of the avoidance I found it hard to believe - even harder now I've heard she told two other people two different reasons (which I don't consider myself at liberty to detail). Though neither rung particularly true, but again, I'm not going to go into detail. I looked at flights back home that night, but doing so made me realize there's nothing to go back to. The group of friends I mentioned have all gone their/our separate ways to different parts of the country (world in my case), being around my parents and all the bad memories of 'home' combined with the knowledge I failed at trying to make a new start is just going to increase the depression tenfold.

 

Next morning I stayed in bed pretty late, saw the friend about midday but she wasn't much interested in talking and later had work to do so I went to walk/clear my head. Met with Eva (from here) and her husband, which helped even though I couldn't really talk about any of this.

 

Went to see the friend again in the evening in a considerably better mood, tried arranging to do something the next day (with the intention of sorting out whatever's going on between us), got the excuse she thought she'd be busy before calling a friend to organise doing something else.

 

That.. just tipped it, really. I couldn't deal with losing someone I previously cared about more than my own life again, as well as the stranglehold the AS just got back on me. I'm not strong enough to keep fighting the same fights to do the things everyone else can without thinking twice. I went back to where I was staying, packed up all my belongings and wrote a letter detailing why I can't keep living like this with the intention of ending it all the next day.

 

Morning comes, left the letter in her mailbox, sent a final message and headed up to the train tracks.

 

I sat on the fence for about half an hour, a few trains passed but I couldn't bring myself to do it. Turns out I'm more of a gutless coward than I thought. Thinking Dutch courage would help, I walked to the local off-license and bought a bottle of whiskey.. although an inherited resilience to alcohol meant drinking half the bottle had next to no effect. Sitting in an empty car park drinking from a bag probably represented a new low point of my life when I spoke to an old friend on the phone that went berserk after I told her the state I was in. She convinced me not to go any further somehow, although I'm still not sure that's a good thing.

 

What happened after that is personal to more people than myself so I'm going to skip it, but later on I was taken to see some psychs at Melbourne hospital. I've been given sleeping pills to help with my insomnia and was recommended anti-depressants, but.. I can't. What could happen terrifies me. The people I know here keep telling me they'll help, but when I was on mental-correction medication a few years ago I lost it completely. My depression got worse by peaks and troughs, had a couple of breakdowns over the year and did some serious damage to myself, my brother, a couple of people at school and several inanimate objects. I can't justify any risk of going back to that around the people I'm with now. If I flipped out and hit any of them I couldn't live with myself.

 

That was 48 hours ago now and I'm still lost. I've met some good people at the motel I'm now at, and like meeting Eva, it's helped, but it's not enough when I'm looking for hope. I used to have friends and animals that needed me around, and that dependence always helped me get through depression. Being there for them was more important than any of my problems. But I've lost that, I've lost the one who meant the most to me and with the anxiety getting worse I don't know how to go on.

 

If going through this every few years is all I'll get out of life I just can't do it. I came here thinking I'd changed and could leave the AS, depression and everything else in memory. Instead I've got the cold reality that it's probably never going to happen. I know too well what suicide leaves behind, but I can't see the future I tried so hard for any more.

[phasmid]

Woah!

 

You are a long long way from home and have had a not good time of things. Moving from one town to another can evoke a ceratin amount of 'culture shock' never mind from one side of the world to the other! Any support network you had here isn't there and you feel very isolated by the sound of it. I know you have had bad experiences of medication in the past but don't write all such treatment off on the basis of that, medication is always evolving and changing and this time they may well help. Please give them a chance. I really hope you get some help and support from somewhere. Perhaps some of the forum members from down-under will be able to help point you towards an organistaion/support group who can help. I hope so. Please take good care of yourself.

[madme]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> I cant give you any words of wisdom. I hope that someone can from here, <'> <'> <'> A support group is a good idea and as Phasmid says meds change all the time. I hope today is a little brighter. Take care

[Eva]

Hi,

 

Sojourn is a lovely guy and this is really worrying. He's not answering his phone at the moment so don't know if he'll get in touch again. He's supposed to be coming over round 7pm so we'll wait and see. If he doesn't turn up, then I'm going to go round to the place where he was originally staying and see if they know where he is now.

 

If we do locate him, what do people suggest? I could help him find a support group but what else? I'm thinking of an AS- friendly doc.

 

Keep you posted,

Eva

[Frangipani]

Hi Sojourned <'> <'> <'>

 

Thank god you got on the internet and spoke with us. <'> <'> <'>

 

Please dont despair with all your emotions and how you are feeling 'at this moment'. Just remember travelling from London to Australia you would have been suffering jetlag, look it up on google and see how that can affect how you feel.

 

I agree with Phasmid it would take any person two weeks just to settle and adjust to the different time zone too. This will also make you feel awful.

 

Things may not have felt good with your friend, but also remember, perhaps you need a bit of time to adjust to each other. She is young and needs some space too.

 

Don't feel like you want to give up and go home. If you can try and do a bit of walking or jogging, it will help you adjust back to normal. You may feel like your minds gone wacko because you have done something really huge, 'moved overseas'. Obviously you cant stay in the motel as this will be too expensive. Is there any chance you can go back and stay with the family or ring the mother and ask her to help you find alternative accomodation, looking in the local newspaper 'share accomodation' you may find a nice house or apartment to share with other people your age, and who you feel much more comfortable with. Once you climatize all this will settle down, and, Australia is a very hospitable place surely you could say to yourself, I will try this for one month or three months.

 

Just passing these thoughts by you, how do you think you feel about that.

 

Also, there are lots of places Eva and I could recommend you go to get some additional help if you need it.

 

[barefoot wend]

Sojourned

 

I'm really sorry that things are going so badly for you at the moment. I kow it's a deep, dark hole. If there are people there who want to help you - let them. If this means taking some medication, Phas is right, things have moved on significantly recently. You can't manage this alone.

 

Give yourself time and don't pressure yourself with your own expectations. It is difficult when we expect too much of ourselves.

 

We think you're great.

 

Take care.

 

Barefoot

[Frangipani]

Hi Sojourned,

 

I have just Pm'd some of the Moderators as they will have some great suggestions as well.

 

F <'>

[Frangipani]

Hi Sojourned <'>

 

You may not feel like talking at the moment. Just wondering what you have been up to today.

 

I was on here at Australian time at 2pm and noticed you on here I was going to say hello, but I had to go out.

 

Do you feel a bit better that you know you have friends on here that you can talk to. <'> <'>

 

F

[noogsy]

ok sweetie you need to straighten some things out you have been incredably brave branching out and going to austrailia on your own.but you needed a back up system.as you have probably realised.you have went to austrailia on the back of a internet relationship and this is probably not the best idea.is this girl possibly ASD to??im assuming you have a return ticket?as a single guy exploring i would think you had a plan to travel around and see austrailia.try to starighten you thoughts out and try to follow what you were going to do in the first place.straightening your thoughts will not happen over night but as long as you can get a plan together that is safe for you.i think this girl did not realise what was involved looking after a visitor.IT IS HARD WORK FOR HER.and she may not have been up to it.please tell you family and friends here in the UK what has happened.your poor parents must be worried out of there minds.if you are seriously not coping please come home sweetheart.............................there are thouusands of people who will take advantage of you because you are in a tizz.....i hope you are going to answer these posts.....and not leave us worrying about you...cos you have got me sweating.....lol...with your predicament....love noogsy

[Bullet]

You made a huge step, which must have taken a lot of courage. I still haven't been to London. or indeed any major city on my own. You musn't feel awful if the shock of such an upheaval is having an impact onyou.

I got stressed and iffy in shops as well. Usually I start singing songs or counting numbers in my head and because I'm thinking of that and not what's around me I keep at the point of just not being able to speak rather than having to go out of the shop.

[gladysmay]

Hello Sojourned,

 

I am very sorry to hear how you are feeling at the moment but dont be too hard on yourself. Your experiences sound very similar to what my son was going through, he is 19 and has just started college again after a lot of struggles, depression, friends behaving badly, services not providing what they ought to, the same old deal. despite this and like you have, he pulled it together and came to a decision about what he wanted from life and how he might get it. It is hard to remember that you need support when things are going well, especially if you have had some form of depression, I had depression also so know I have to be careful not to take on too much and to pace myself. this is not easy to do when you are young and already feel that you have missed more than your fair share of things.

 

My son also went from not being able to get on buses and trains to being able to negotiate these things better than most and certainly me. He is very busy these days but has worked out a regime of work and leisure so that he has a split between certain kinds of activities, the ones that involve being in the NT environment most of the time and the AS time that he can call his own. Of course, I know he is AS all of the time but do you see what I mean, being around people and their demands can be tiring without even realising how tired you are getting. having an all or nothing way of thinking can make you go 'oh its all not worth it' but that is a typical AS way of thinking I reckon, you must try to look for the alternatives which are logical to you.

 

when I first told my family who live in Queensland about my sons autism, my sister, who has lived in Melbourne from time to time knew about it, I got the impression that there is less ignorance of this generally in Aus but I am really guessing a bit on that. Isnt this where Tony Attwood hails from and he is an expert.

 

It is hard for my son to work people out and if the truth be known I seem to get this wrong quite a lot too!

 

it is not always your fault, and you cant always help them to see stuff.

 

keep in touch.

[TheNeil]

Ok, calm down (sorry, you probably didn't want to hear that)

 

As a fellow Aspie I can understand the panic state that in you're in but just try to stop. Right then, you've had a lot go on and a lot of major changes (AS or not) so time to switch into 'logical mode' and try to get yourself back on track and get your head straight before going to the BA website looking at flights back to the UK (you might decide to do that but please give yourself time and don't just have a 'knee-jerk reaction')

 

After a long flight your body and head are all over the place and this certainly won't be helping so take the advice of the medical bods. If you're not happy with the anti-depressents than explain it to them and possibly stay off them until the jet lag has been beaten - they're the experts though and, as Phas says, things do change

 

The friend situation is, from an Aspie PoV, very annoying, confusing and disconcerting but it's possible to see why they might do this as people do build up a mental image about people online and we certainly can behave differently online as opposed the 'real world' - from her perspective you've suddenly become 'real' and she's going to be adapting to you just as much as you're adapting to her (although you have the added 'bonus' of being in a totally new environment). This doesn't help much but might explain why you keep getting the cool reception

 

What I would definitely suggest is getting out and experiencing things (however difficult it may be). Sitting in your motel room is not going to help you to do anything except feel more and more isolated. Try to get out in the sun (I'm assuming it is sunny - it always seems to be in Neighbours and Home and Away) and feel the warmth on your face. Even if you don't want anything to do with people, explore the surrounding area and find out where the shops are (for example) - the more of this that you do, the more you'll feel in control

[Frangipani]

Hi Sojouned,

 

Give me a min have some great advice where you can get through this. Things may work out for the better.

 

The Embassy may provide a caring family for you to stay with. Still talking on the phone so dont go away.

 

Heaps of good info for you.

 

Fx <'>

[Frangipani]

Hi Sojourned,

 

I had a lengthy conversation with a support lady from 'Salvation Army' they have emergency help and counsellors in every state. She had some excellent suggestions that could put that smile back on your dial.

 

I also want you to take advice from the others, and the best way to get over jetlag which can knock you around for up to a week, get some sunshine and walk.

 

 

 

Her first suggestion was to ring or go and see the British Consulate General in Melbourne.

 

But before I go into details about what they can do. She said you need to be around people your age who understand you. You could ring the Salvation Army in Melbourne on 03 9653 3213 or Lifeline phone counsellors on 131114 and tell them your situation like you told us.

 

She said if you asked them to refer you to a youth hostel, this is to get you out of the motel into something more affordable before you contact the embassy.

 

Option Number One, she said you can become a member of the Youth Hostel and they have share accomodation. The facilities are clean and tidy they usually have a canteen with food well priced.

 

Second suggestion.

 

Go to the British embassy I have their details, but this is your best point of contact according to this lady.

She said to go in and speak to the Ambassador, tell them everything you have told us, they will be able to refer you to a nice family from the Uk that lives in Australia who knows life in the UK so you will have some common ground, they will help you with the transition of living in Australia and they may be able to give you a lovely home and security with one of their trusted families and you could stay with on of these families for up to 2-3 months then go and live with another family after that and so on. Especially because you are only 19. She assured you will have security.

 

Youth Hostel recommended by the Salvation Army would be a good first option to get some assistance or someone to talk with right now. If for some reason that number doesnt work. Ring phone directory 1223 and ask for Salvation Army emergency help, they will give you the phone number.

 

If you want on the phone counselling at anytime they have counsellors but they said also to ring Lifeline on 131114

 

Now for the address of the British Consulate General Melbourne located at 17th Floor, 90 Collins Street, Melbourne. JUST ADDING their phone number 9652 1670. When you come out of the train station Collins Street runs parallel to the train lines and it is I think the second or third cross street from there, very easy access depending on what exit you take out of the station. If you come out on Flinders St?? turn left, or just ask anybody it is a 1 minute walk. Watch out for those L turns cars make at the lights. They wait till amber and then the whole Left lane turns right, I still find that turn funny. We don't have that in Sydney.

 

She also said for more support you could ring or look on the web for Autism Victoria their website is autismvictoria.org.au they are at Glen Iris, that is about 30 mins from the city but you could also ring them. address is 35 High Street, Glen Iris (03) 9885 0533 office hours from 9.30am - 4.30pm and they have support services. I keep typing 03 in front of the phone numbers. You dont have to dial that ringing from Melbourne.

03 is Melbourne, 02 is Sydney 07 is Queensland etc.

 

There are so many opportunites for you in Australia even if you follow what I know many of the British tourists do, ( this is way down the track when you are feeling more confident) but a lot get into the Back Packer Hostels and on their notice boards are always jobs listed and many contacts for tourists help etc. Plus other tourists could help you. But because you are alone and only 19 I would not suggest this first off. But it could take you all around Australia. A working holiday sort of thing, one month here one month there.

 

I suggest you go with all you could get from the Embassy. the lady I spoke with from the Salvation Army said make yourself very welcome their and visit them regularly, as she said they will be very supportive for you. that is, the British Consulate General.

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

Things sound really positive, from what she was saying, and staying with a UK family and having the security you need is a HUGE plus for you Sojourned.

 

What do you think ?? <'>

 

Fx

Edited September 21, 2006 by Frangipani

[Frangipani]

Hi Sojourned,

 

If all those instructions I gave you are stressing you out more, would you like me to ring them for you to get them to call you. Get things in motion for you. With the British embassy. This can be a big thing for you, and I know my son would find it hard to do. So dont despair, thinking this is too hard okay.

 

Will be on and off here its 8.30pm will be on until around 11.30pm Just ducking off to have my dinner 'thats what we call our evening meal' hope you are eating okay. Hang in there kiddo, help is on the way.

 

F

Edited September 21, 2006 by Frangipani

[Frangipani]

Hi,

 

Sojourn is a lovely guy and this is really worrying. He's not answering his phone at the moment so don't know if he'll get in touch again. He's supposed to be coming over round 7pm so we'll wait and see. If he doesn't turn up, then I'm going to go round to the place where he was originally staying and see if they know where he is now.

 

If we do locate him, what do people suggest? I could help him find a support group but what else? I'm thinking of an AS- friendly doc.

 

Keep you posted,

Eva

 

Hi Eva,

 

Have you heard from Sojourn. Its getting late almost 10pm, can you let me know if this went okay. Feeling a bit tired and weary myself. Need an early night.

 

He may well be asleep already hopefully between the two of us and this other family something good could come together, even with the help of the British Consulate.

 

 

Between us we will get some network set up around him. Surely.

 

F xx

[Frangipani]

Thank God, I see you are back Sojourned <'> <'> <'>

 

Take your time, if you want to talk. If you are to tired I can come on early in the morning. Will be out most of tomorrow but can come online again in the afternoon. Just in case you need some hands on advice about Melbourne.

 

I lived there for 5 years so I know my way around a bit. If Eva isnt online to help.

 

<'> I live in Sydney, Got your Pm, You are more than welcome to PM me anytime as I have a 19 year old son, and a 16 year old daughter so I am a very good listener if you just need to talk. If you are too stressed to call the Consulate perhaps I can call them first. The lady I spoke with mentioned to tell them everything about your AS and Anxiety and your journey so far, or just print out what you typed above. Take it and let them read it. They will then make sure they place you with a family that can be supportive and understanding and may even know all about ASD.

 

Will PM you my mobile if you need that added reassurance that someone is just a phone call away or you need to tell me to get on line and talk, as Interstate calls from Melbourne to Sydney can be quite expensive. Then if you need help and are unable to contact Eva you are more than welcome to sms me and say please call me. Or go on line.

 

As you can see Sojourned you have lots of friends on here that want to help you also, anytime you need to chat. I have come to this forum from Australia as I have found it very supportive and friendly, especially for parents with teens with AS so make this your home and safe place for help and advice, dont ever think anyone is judging you. <'> <'>

 

I looked at the map Reservoir is quite a way from Melbourne city, I used to live on the other side around the bay and Toorak and South Yarra, the train service is a great way to get around. If you decide to go to the Consulate, plan a great day out. I think within walking distance to the Flinders Street Station where you get off the train to go to the Consulate, if you go in the opposite direction towards the Botanical Gardens they used to have a bicycle hire set up on the outskirts of the Botanical Gardens near the second bridge along the Yarra River, and you could enjoy a lovely ride around and through the Gardens. Also the Exhibition Centre and other Galleries and cafes are a lot of fun for all ages.

 

Just keep thinking of the good things that can come out of this, I feel very positive this trip to Australia was not a waste of time. Make use of all the help you can get just to prove to yourself 'you can do it' and you will.

I hope I dont drive you mad with suggestions.

 

Chin up kiddo, once that jetlag has gone and you have adjusted to the different time zone you will feel soooo much better. A day a time, you are going to make it, and have fun doing so. Best thing is, your in charge, you can make your own decisions. whoo hoo

 

F

Edited September 22, 2006 by Frangipani

[Sojourned]

you have went to austrailia on the back of a internet relationship and this is probably not the best idea.

No, that wouldn't be a good idea, but I didn't. Although our genitals have an astounding amount of differences, we're just friends. Arabs will be buying sand before I start dating again. The girl in question is/was not more than a close friend who I care/d deeply about.

 

 

Thanks to everyone for their words so far, I've only glanced through as I'm borrowing Eva's PC right now. I'll ingest it all sometime in the near future, but my internet access is spontaneous.

 

I'm not destitute or anything at the moment. I'm booked in the motel for a week (money isn't an issue) and the staff/other guests I've met are extremely sociable so I'm fine there for a while.

[Eva]

Hi everyone,

 

Sojourn came round for dinner as planned, yay, and now he's gone out with dh for a drink. I think I drive him a bit crazy with my constant barrage of questions and suggestions - but I can't help it! (I'm very proud of myself; at least tonight I didn't go on and on about how he should eat something.)

 

We'll help support Sojourn as best we can - he's a great guy, (wicked sense of humour), but it's up to him to accept - isn't it Sojourn! I explained that people want to help just because they do - no other reason.

 

Thanks for all your support - we all appreciate it.

 

Eva

[Eva]

Woops, I mean 'Sojourned'. Sorry!

[badonkadonk]

Hi Sojourned, big hug from me when you read this.

 

Although I am not or haven't been in the same situation as you, I have been in similar situations in the past.

 

I've never really put all this down in writing together before, let alone share all of it with other people so I'm sorry firstly for the length that this post will undoubtably be, I tend to rattle on a bit but at least it will help you pass half an hour or so I'm also sorry if it doesn't make any sense or help in anyway. I haven't even started writing yet and already my head throbs and my palms are sweaty, so I'm trying my best to help just know that.

 

Trains, Buses and Planes (oh my?)

Yikes do I know how you feel. Though I still can't do the whole buses thing so I am full of nothing but admiration for you. I know how hard it is and I appreciate what it must be like everytime you get on a train or a bus or a plane. I'm only better on planes if it's an empty flight (which has only ever happened once in my life, see below for details!) or if I save up and pay the extra money to move up classes. They usually ban kids and have fewer people so that helps. But one time, on the way back from America, we were flying through a thunderstorm which was already freaking me out and I was sat in a row of three, in the middle because I had the window seat on the way out. On my right was my sister, 3 years younger than me and tiny (I'm a big girl, every which way you look at me lol) and on my left was a small child around 5 years old. I felt like a whale sat in between two fish. Well I lost it big style, completely went bonkers and decided, I know, I want to get off! It took a lot of calming down let me tell ya and I sobbed the rest of the way home. So I have an awful lot of respect for your ability to get on trains and buses and planes! It is an achievement that you should never take lightly.

 

Suicide

Ok, the nitty gritty. You are not gutless or whatever for sitting on the fence and not walking in front of the train. You are smart and clearly have a lot of respect for other people and yourself. To think that it is intelligent and brave to walk in front of a train is to over-estimate the act itself. My boyfriend lost an old friend of his recently because he walked in front of a train. About two months ago. It does nothing but destroy the lives of the people you leave behind. My boyfriend hadn't seen the chap in question for almost 6 months but he's still coming to terms with his death. You are stronger and have more guts and more intelligence for sticking it out and having some patience and resolve to work to make things better because you sat on the fence. I promise you there will come a point when you won't feel like this, I'm not promising it will last or that it will happen soon, but it will happen. If you kill yourself it will never happen and then look at all the things you would be missing out on. Life goes up and down, but that's life. It's never going to be all up or all down, you have to believe that things will get better and have faith in your own ability to put things right. No one is going to come and wave a magic wand for you, there are people out there to support you but ultimately you are your responsibility. This person has let you down badly and I honestly do feel for you, desperately so because I've been there, I know how low you are feeling right now and how desperate everything seems. But only you can make yourself feel better and the fact that you sat on the fence means that you're not quite ready to give in just yet. The drive and determination to live your life is there, inside you, you've already proved that. Now use it. I've sat on that fence in my bedroom with a bag of pills in my hand, in my garden with a knife in my hand and in my car. The first two times I didn't know I had AS. The last time was in April when I knew I had AS. The last time was just that, the last time that will ever happen. I want to live, so do you.

 

Travelling around the world to get slapped in the face

I've been here too I changed schools when I was 16 and had to go to a different school because I was about to get expelled from the one I had been to since Year 7 and I was getting bullied like hell. I managed to get some GCSEs despite teaching myself History, re-doing my English Lit coursework and learning Business Studies in 6 months. I then decided that since I had made a couple of friends, sort of, and because I was finally settled after moving, that I would stay at the school to do my A Levels. So everything was ok, and then somehow I messed the friends thing up as usual. I became very withdrawn at school, almost stopped going, got into trouble when I did go (this was when I was 17). I started talking to people on the net and I met this one guy, Canadian, who I thought was the best thing since sliced bread. He was ace. We talked and talked, for hours and hours and we said to each other all the time, wouldn't be ace to meet. It was my 18th coming up so I said to my parents, I have some savings will you put money with this so that I can go see my friend in Canada for my birthday present. Never even met the guy before, spoke to him on the phone once or twice. My parents went nuts, and so did I. I was so far gone mentally then I didn't see the dangers. I just wanted out, I wanted to get away from home and away from school. I was obsessed with this bloke, unknowingly so, so my parents had little choice but to drive me to the airport and wave me off. They did it through gritted teeth and I caused them no end of stress and worry. There was their baby girl, toddling off through Heathrow possibly into the arms of a mad axeman. The flight was empty and long, it was mid-October and I was flying 11 hours across the world. Thinking back now, the stress I went through and emotions were appalling, how I managed to do it I don't know. I think fight/flight mode kicked in and I made the whole trip on pure adrenaline. I got there at the airport and he was late picking me up, we got back to his apartment and there was a message waiting on his phone...his grandma had just passed away. CAN YOU BELIEVE IT! The timing of some people. Things went from bad to worse, because of the stress and my allergies to dust/changes in water I developed what I can only think were hives. My skin was bright red with a rash and I had lumpy scabs come up on my arms and legs. I also hurt my back dragging my cases around and spent a fair few hours each day lying on my back on his floor in absolute agony, covered in cat hair from his stupid cats and not able to have a fag because he forbid me from smoking (and I let him!!). We got it on romantically, of course we did, that's what I went for only we both wouldn't admit it (the most expensive snog ever let me tell ya). But he wouldn't let his family or friends know that he was hooking up with this mental girl from England. We went to the cinemas with his friends but he only held my hand once it had gone dark in there and he told me off for looking at my watch halfway through the film even though I hadn't slept in 48 hours because the stress had given me insomnia. We went out for the day with his father who couldn't understand a word I said because I'm a brummie and we went to this zoo thing which had a couple of parrots and a sealion in it. It was the most bizarre place I have ever been too. I freaked out majorly because we walked inside and there was this sealion, out of its cage bobbing a ball on its nose while some schookids laughed. He never brought me breakfast, lunch or dinner the whole while I was there, I paid for everything and he insisted we walk and see all these places even though my back was hurting very badly. We went to see a play on his insistence which was about some people who go away for the weekend and one of them starts killing the others and putting bits of them in a freezer. To say I was FREAKED OUT would be a mild explanation. But all through this I was gazing lovingly into his eyes and thinking, none of this matters, he's amazing. We had talked non stop about me moving out there permanently but when it came to me going home he changed tack and said lets see how things go. He didn't even wait with me for my boarding time to come, instead of spent hours wandering around departures on my own, struggling to buy anything because no one could understand what I was saying. It was the most miserable flight ever, made worse by my back and the guy opposite me farting loudly, unknowingly, because he had his headphones on. The stewardess kept walking up and down spraying air freshner but he only looked at me accusingly!! I was deeply depressed when I got home, I had nothing to live for seemingly, he broke it off a couple of days later and I had to contend with the "I told you so" from my parents. Even worse I had dropped out of school and so had no future. I did all this as well not knowing I had AS so it was quite an experience.

 

My mom suggested starting my A Levels again at College and eventually I came around to the idea. Life wasn't rosey at college and it hasn't been rosey since, but I have gotten over the episode with the freaky Canadian and can look back and laugh now. My point is, longwinded I know, is that things change and things do get better. Inevitably other things come along in life and so things can get worse for a bit again, but then the peak rises once more and life improves. Life is just like a rollercoaster....too much up and you can't take it and it makes you ill, too much down and it's the most boring depressive ride ever....a little bit of both and it's the greatest thrill ride of your life. Cheesey I know.

 

My advice now is to get out of the motel for as much time as you can every day. Make yourself a plan of action of all the things you are going to accomplish each day. Even if the plan only includes making sure you eat and having a shower and a ten minute walk around the street. Look at enrolling back at college or university or on an evening course...whatever. Something that you enjoy and that will give you some purpose in life and give you somethng to do each day. If you don't want to do that, start looking around for a job. Part time to begin with if you can manage it, full time if you want. Again, look for jobs doing things you might enjoy. Push yourself to try something new, you've already done that in all your travelling so you know you can do it. I know you've lived in Australia before but get a local map and endeavour to go see something you haven't seen before every few days. It is amazing what a beautiful landscape or afternoon spent watching animals can do for the soul. (Just make sure there are more than 3 animals if you go to a zoo lol).

 

Essentially, make your life better, give yourself something to live for.

 

As for this other person, leave them well alone. As hard as that will be. If they don't want you in their life anymore, you don't want them in yours regardless of how much your heart will protest. If they choose to stay in touch and make contact then go with the flow and just let them come to you. That way you won't get hurt and you won't be putting effort into something and getting nothing back. Take advantage of the people you do know in Australia in terms of looking to them for advice and emotional support. Talk their ears off, they won't mind! Just getting everything out of your brain makes a difference.

 

I'm not you, I don't pretend to know you, but you asked for help and believe it or not this is what I'm doing. I'm not going to sit here and say you can talk to me anything you like, you have people already to go to for that. I'm not going to pretend either that I have all the answers and that life is going to be brilliant as long as you follow my advice. It doesn't work like that, but I've kinda walked in your shoes a bit before so I do know a little bit what I'm talking about, even if you think I'm just some raving loony tune.

 

I went to college after I got back and got my heart broken twice more. I got suspended a few times, hated my teachers, had few friends and yet still got through it relatively unscarred. In the second year I managed to bag a job at my local Blockbusters. I started work on October 4th 2002 at 5pm. Rob started work at the same Blockbusters, on the same day at the very same time. 9 months and a whole lot of flirting later the idiot finally plucked up the courage to ask me out. 4 years later and he's still an idiot, but he's also my soulmate and best boyfriend in the world. We've been through some rough times, it's not all great, his parents despise me because he's their youngest and they think I stole him from them. When really, I'm not great around strangers, prefer my own home and his bedroom is a box room and messy as hell. I'm a perfectionist and have a nice tidy room with a big double bed we can lounge on while watching Sky tv. Which would anyone choose, I ask ya! I've tried my hand at uni a couple of times and had good and bad times there, I also found out I had Aspergers around last Feburary, March. I still suffer really badly with depression, it's somehow connected to my monthy cycle but no one can figure it out. I'm still pursuing treatment after finally getting through to the doctors that anti-depressants just make me worse. (Beware Mitzapine and Fluoxetine anyone who has dark thoughts, these drugs only made it worse). I'm waiting for an appointment for a private gyno now so fingers crossed positive change is ahead. Because of the anti-depressants and years spent at home dealing with depression and generally looking for a way to comfort myself through all the years of being confused. I'm a big fatty lol. But I'm making progress slowly, I haven't put on weight now for almost 3 months and this is a HUGE achievement for me. I'm not losing weight because I'm not as physically active as I need to be to lose weight, this is because of the depression which happens every month for who knows why so I'm in a bit of a vicious circle that I'm slowly learning how to slow down and get control of. I'm not better yet, but I'm better than I was.

 

However, in the past year and a half I have managed to make really positive changes in my life, perhaps this could serve as inspiration to yourself. I sought and got my own diagnosis for Aspergers Syndrome. I stood up to my doctors and family and took control of my life. I quit smoking, somehow, and it has now been 1 year and 9 months since I stopped. I was also addicted to Diet Coke, drinking upwards of 2 litres a day. Shortly after giving up smoking I no longer had the thirst for coke either and so kapput, that's gone to. Though that was like giving up major drugs, I had shakes and all sorts, far worse than the smoking would you believe. I started chewing gum to substitute for the smoking. Six months ago I kicked that too. In November I decided to leave uni and stop putting myself through it for a bit. I was deeply unhappy because my personal mentor had left and I had little help and it just wasn't right. I tried working but in February stopped that too, again it was making me unwell and so I took the decision to onto benefits and try and put my health and weight in order before trying again. I'm a lot happier, a lot healthier, my weight is stabilising and I'm making progress in my depression. It's taking months and months and will take years I'm sure but things are getting better.

 

I'm not trying to rub this in your face, I'm simply saying look at what you can do. You asked how the hell do you cope, this is how I coped. There is no set answer, the magic thing that will get your life back on track is yourself and your ability and strength to live your life.

 

You can do this, you can turn this situation into a positive. Listen to your needs and take care of yourself.

 

I'm rooting for you.

 

Badonkadonk

xxx

 

Eva, if you could print this off and give it to Sojourned I would really appreciate it. It might or might not help to know that someone has been close to his situation before, even though he didn't come to Australia to get involved romantically with his friend. Sorry if it uses all your paper up lol. I have to learn how to stop typing.

[Frangipani]

Hi Sojourned,

 

I just added a lot of stuff to Post No 17, so check it out. Feel free to PM if you prefer chatting there.

 

<'>

 

Just remember as my daughter would say ' you're cool'

 

F

[smallworld]

Sojourned,

I have to say that Badonkadonk's post made me feel better, and I'm stuck at home with total apathy at the mo, and after reading her post I realised that I wish that I'd taken a few more chances......

there's some good advice there, I hope you can make the most of your trip,

good luck,

wac

[Frangipani]

Hi Sojourned,

 

I am back online if you need to chat, or Pm if you prefer. Just wondering how you went today. How was your day. <'>

[Frangipani]

Hi Sojourned.

 

I have spoken at length with a lovely man from the Embassy, would you like to talk about things.

 

Sojourned just want to let you know that everyone on here admires you for what you have done. If you decide to go back home, you will make it work, you were able to make plans to come here and you will be able to make new plans for back home if that is what you wish to do.

 

Will be on and off this evening but remember you have my mobile if you want me to come on line and chat via Pm so please if you are feeling a bit low, pick up the phone and call me and I will come straight online okay.

 

<'> I hope you are eating properly, this will help you feel better, including lots of water. You might think the water tastes different to back home.

 

Sorry I have been ordered off the computer to cook dinner

 

Sojourned take care,

 

F xx <'>

[Frangipani]

Hi Sojourned,

 

I am back now, and I want you to call even if it is 3am in the morning. But also these guys on the forum are very lively at 3am too if you want someone to chat to who understand. There are many on here waiting to reach out and help you and I know you feel overwhelmed by the help, but, you have our support 100%.

 

I dont mind talking at 3am in the morning if you really need to I am a fairly light sleeper if you prefer to speak on the phone instead of online thats fine too. Thats all up to you now.

 

Are you watching the footy, Sydney Swans playing Fremantle on channel 10 its a good game if you like footy, why dont you watch it, it is the semi finals.

 

My son calls it aerial ping pong. I love the AFL, I used to go quite often when I lived in Melbourne. Do you have any favourite sports. What are your hobbies or interests.

 

[Eva]

Hi all,

 

just a quick update - Sojourned is still at the motel and meeting some interesting people. He's coming round later so he might add some more.

 

Thanks Badonkadonk for your fantastic post!

 

And thanks Frangipani for your posts too! I must point out however that a true Melbournian wouldn't watch the Sydney Fremantle game - it's just not cricket. People in Melbourne are upset -but trying to be brave- about the fact that the preliminary finals aren't being played here!

 

Cheers,

Eva

[Kathryn]

Thanks for the update, Eva

 

Sojourned - I hope things are looking a little more clearer that they were when you started this thread. Let us know how you are,

 

K x

[Sojourned]

That was some long reading. At least I'm not the only one to do something as daft as this.

 

The friend situation is, from an Aspie PoV, very annoying, confusing and disconcerting but it's possible to see why they might do this as people do build up a mental image about people online and we certainly can behave differently online as opposed the 'real world' - from her perspective you've suddenly become 'real' and she's going to be adapting to you just as much as you're adapting to her (although you have the added 'bonus' of being in a totally new environment). This doesn't help much but might explain why you keep getting the cool reception

That's possible, but I'd find it difficult to believe in this case. For all the time we spent together last week I haven't really changed from the way I was when we last met, and I know I carry myself off online much the same as real life since all the people I've met from forums etc (over 30, possibly 40 now) have never been surprised by the 'real' me. The only things I've had comment on were my looks, fitness and drinking abilities being better than expected (bear in mind I'm a complete geek and the forums I visit reflect that).

 

 

Ref. life in general, things have improved somewhat. Had a long talk with Eva's better half about life/AS - which is odd since I haven't been in a position to do so for about 5 years - which helped, but I'm still fairly lost on where to go. I wanted to work things out with the friend, I've been giving her space to think about things, but hearing nothing is bringing me to the realisation things are over - and the worst part is I don't even know why. It's funny, I've known her since she was a nervous 13 year old with no confidence in herself or her abilities and I always said I'd be there through whatever medium necessary, and this is what it comes down to.. I don't know if I should laugh or cry. I don't get close to people easily, the only other two I really cared about (or 'loved', albeit in different ways) are dead, in some ways the lack of closure in this situation makes it even harder to deal with.

 

A part of me wants to find peace in the bottle of sleeping pills next to my bed and not worry about waking up again, but that's been diminished over the last few days. Another part of me wants to go back to my old ways of drinking myself into unconciousness, waking up and doing it again before reality sets in. As irony would have it the one I gave all that up for is now driving me back to it. In another way I want to find a bar, meet another girl and make them feel as used as I do, although I know that wouldn't help anything and the thought of me trying is almost laughable - Although three guys now have told me I could get girls here without trying, but they may have been trying to hit on me. Then the optimistic side wants to believe Gary's talk of "Pioneering", proving you can live life with AS just as well as anyone else, eventually meet 'the one', buy a house by the sea and have 2.4 children, but I can't ever imagine that happening. Like Gary said, I shouldn't be worrying about all that for at least a decade but it still bothers me daily and has done for years.

 

Last night I met a strange guy at the motel. He's here on business for a few weeks, took one look at me and said he's never seen anyone looking so stressed - It later transpired he's known more than one person who's jumped off a bridge, although I didn't mention any of my problems like that. After staring at me for a while he pretty much listed every issue I've got in my life without me even hinting any of them. He's offered me a job in Brisbane (just manual labour), I've got a couple of weeks to decide but I can't see anything much to keep me here. Not enough to outweigh the cons, at least. I think it was more than a chance meeting.

 

Anyway, I've been stealing Eva's PC to write all this for the past hour so I'd better be off. I'll try to keep people updated, but as I said, internet access isn't regular.

[Frangipani]

Hi all,

 

just a quick update - Sojourned is still at the motel and meeting some interesting people. He's coming round later so he might add some more.

 

Thanks Badonkadonk for your fantastic post!

 

And thanks Frangipani for your posts too! I must point out however that a true Melbournian wouldn't watch the Sydney Fremantle game - it's just not cricket. People in Melbourne are upset -but trying to be brave- about the fact that the preliminary finals aren't being played here!

 

Cheers,

Eva

 

 

Well Sojourned we Sydney people need a few supporters so next time your at Eva's say from me "Go the Swans" Melbourne based AFL for 50 years and Sydney are winning 'whoo hoo'

 

Hey Sojourned any good at Footy maybe one of the Melbourne teams could use some British blood the Melbourians just arnt having much luck

 

Got your Pm too just sent you another <'> <'>

 

Mind you here I am blowing my trumpet and I didnt see the final score as I fell asleep so Eva who won.

 

Fxx

Edited September 23, 2006 by Frangipani