TheNeil Report post Posted October 16, 2006 Oh thank God I'm back at work after the weekend from hell It was my mother's birthday last week (Tuesday) and my brother thought that it would be a 'really good idea' if we all went and had Sunday lunch together (originally he'd wanted to all go out on the Tuesday - despite the fact that I wouldn't have got back to sunny Harrogate until about 2am and am up for work at 6am) So I went across and there's this strange bloke sat in my mother's house chatting away and being all friendly when I turned up. Turns out that he's one of my mum's friends so...no problem. He then goes and says that he'll see us later on...err, ok. Then my mum announces that 'Malcolm' is coming to lunch too. Those AS butterflies are starting to kick in at this point So he goes and then my brother, his wife and their 5 year old child of Satan turn up and things rapidly go down hill. The 'child' (term used reservedly) starts screaming, demands to have the TV on loud (while not actually wathcing it of course - the fact that The Week At Westminster was on kind of shows how much interest there was), wants sweets, fruit shoots(?), demands this and that and basically reminds me why having kids is never ever going to happen in my little world Then 'Malcolm' turns up and he and my mum scurry off to the kitchen leaving me trying to make conversation with my brother (interests: Cars and...nothing else), my sister in law (interests: Emmerdale...and nothing else) and the hell child (interestes: Anything that annoys me). So we all sit down to lunch and everyone's having a 'wonderful' time while I just kept sinking further into the chair and saying not a jot to anyone. My mum is there trying to 'jolly' me up and 'Malcolm' (big, gregarious bloke - you know, the type who are to Aspies what garlic is to vampires) says "Well your mum has said that you're a bit quiet but I can talk to anyone so we'll just have a chat and put that right" <Insert siren noise here> I then excused myself and withdrew to the lounge...only to be followed by the nephew from hell who then proceeded to annoy the hell out of me for the next hour. Did anyone bother to check I was OK? Did his parents give a flying <insert rude word here> as to whether their screaming child was bothering me (and, given that his mum at one point said "Oh that went right through my head" after a particular 'outburst', it's a miracle I didn't strangle the little <insert another rude word here>)? Nope, I was abandoned. Normally this wouldn't have been a problem as Mrs Neil would have helped me out, checked I was Ok and directed annoying chav children away from me...of course that protection wasn't there was it At one point I could hear me being discussed...I'm 10 feet away in the room next door. So I decided that the guinea pigs were having a trauma (we're telepathically linked - I know when they need feeding)(all of the time basically) and left. At this point my mum informs me that she'd read the article that I'd written for work and that it had been really good, explained a lot etc. Well it obviously didn't explain enough did it? I know that this was her birthday and I was really trying to not to cause a scene or upset her but I was just astounded at her attitude. So I drove away waving merrily, went around the corner and nearly cried my little eyes out. I've tried explaining everything about AS and how it affects me to my mum and my brother and they've known me long enough to know what is going to stress me out...but they were far too busy having a 'good time' to see that I was at Defcon 1 (i.e. in imminent danger of meltdown). Never have I felt so alone in the world and it's so depressing as, on my way there in the morning, I was feeling really good about everything, my confidence was up, I was feeling that I existed in the world (not Harrogate but certainly the wider world) and everything Maybe I should be honest and tell them how upset I was but expressing these kinds of things is not something that I've ever been encouraged to do (in my family you don't express emotion - you just have to pretend that everything is 'fine' all of the time). I think that the answer to the question of 'Will you being coming to stay at Christmas?' is obvious - I lost it after 2 hours so probably best to start stocking up on DVDs and prepare to lock the door and shut the world out over the Christmas period I'm all sad, lonely and miserable, and why do people insist on doing this to me? Oh and the guinea pigs did need feeding...or so they reckoned Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stressedmumto2 Report post Posted October 16, 2006 Sorry to hear you had a rough time. It all sounds to familiar of when I go to my family so I don't often go now and last x-mas was the first I had on my own at home with my children rather than going to my mum's chaotic house where all the family was, and you know what it felt so much better. Hope you feel better soon, sending a hug <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
nellie Report post Posted October 16, 2006 Sending you lots of <'> <'> Do you think having an unexpected guest was just too much to cope with? I know it's happened to my hubby and he found it very difficult. Why don't you show your family your post, they will at least know how you felt and it will give you the opportunity to discuss it further. You might think they understand but I don't think they do, you're a very good teacher.......teach them!! I hate Christmas, so if it's ok with you I'll pop round with some DVD's. Nellie <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gladysmay Report post Posted October 16, 2006 Hello TheNeil, it sounds like your family do not understand about how your AS affects you. It is easy to think this means they dont care but I reckon they do care about you, the family member, it may be they just dont understand the other stuff. I think telling them might help but you might have to ask Mrs TheNeil to shape it into a way that they cant be offended at, loved ones to get upset if they think they are being told their behaviour is rejecting. sorry, my sentences dont flow that wonderfully but I hope you get the meaning. you are entitled to structure you daily life to suit your needs even if it inconveniences people sometimes. my sons sibs dont fully 'get' the AS thing but they have all worked together over the wk-end refitting a kitchen, so maybe a project of some kind will bring opportunities to break down their myths. best wishes Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted October 16, 2006 I hate Christmas, so if it's ok with you I'll pop round with some DVD's. Fine by me but no 'slushie' films or anything with Ben Stiller and/or Owen Wilson in it Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gladysmay Report post Posted October 16, 2006 Christman is known to be one of the most stressful times of the year, no wonder many people just go away on holiday instead at that time. we always just have the immediate family on christmas day and work out who is visiting who either on christmans eve and boxing day well in advance. (whoops not worked that out yet!) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted October 16, 2006 Christmas hasn't exactly been a barrel of laughs in my family for a few years now (last Christmas was the first one since my dad and grandfather died, and the one before was the first one that Mrs Neil and I had spent alone - and my grandad collapsed (at my mum's house) on Christmas night) I'm thinking that I probably will just stay at home on my own - at least then I don't have to pretend to have 'fun', conform, put up with screaming kids or have to endure making pathetic attempts at small talk with my sub-normal relatives (plus I get to watch what I want to on the TV). If I did go to my mum's house then it'd probably just be me and her and then my brother would 'do the right thing' and invite us both round to his house for Christmas lunch and the inevitable whirlwind of destruction that is a five year old on Christmas day. Given the choice I'd rather hide in a darkened box and say 'bah humbug' to the world (who knows, maybe kindly spirits will come and visit me)(and I mean ghosts spirits, not Jack Daniels, The Famous Grouse and co.) I don't believe this, it's October 16th and I'm discussing Christmas Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
gladysmay Report post Posted October 16, 2006 know what you mean, christmas is always a bit strange for us because our family is split up all over the world. we make a toast to absent friends, eat far too much turkey and so on. I like the traditional stuff, carol singing, the decorations, lights, natiivty plays, all that soppy stuff. slowly over the years it seems to have become so commerical, everyone rushing round the shops with two trolleys! theres a kind of desperation to get it right, have all the right trimmings, all pretty awful. so the dvds option sounds about right, relaxing in your own space if at all possible. youre right, its too early to be talking turkey:) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bramblebrae Report post Posted October 16, 2006 Hi there I'm gonna ovelook everything else you said and focus on one thing - which is probably really blinkered of me but here goes.. your nephew followed you...he didn't stay with his parents..there must be something about you he likes even if it isn't reciprocated....what exactly does he do to annoy you? is it really intentional? he's only 5 and in as much as you want your family to understand how you feel maybe you should try to understand them too included your nephew. Have you tried engaging him in a quiet game something involving whispering or sneaking about very quietly you know something of your choosing so it would change the environment around you both and maybe you could find a welcome and loving ally to have at these family times. I think kids can be alot more understanding than adults of others differences and if he learns now what u like dislike and vice verse he could be a lifelong friend. I don't get on well with people much except family and they do drive me nuts sometimes but my eldest niece was my best friend when her and her sister came for sleepovers the younger one and my DS would play together happily whilst me and Emma would chat and play lots of games we both loved like the sims etc I found I could just relax and be myself with both of them without any judgements in the way you get from adults. Maybe i was just lucky to be blessed with 2 lovely nieces unfortunately it didn't last as Emma died very unexpectedly 2.5yrs ago of leukemia aged 10. hope things get better with your family gatherings and that your feeling less alone by now Lorraine Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
av16 Report post Posted October 16, 2006 Hello Neil Sorry about your weekend - I'm glad you've got your guinea pigs, a handy excuse! But from my experience (we've 2 girlies) is there ever a time when they don't need feeding? BW AV Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
stressedmumto2 Report post Posted October 16, 2006 Bramblebrae that's a very lovely post and a very different way of looking at it sorry tohear abbout your niece I've met someone recently a member of my boyfriends family who when I heard alot about him I suspected maybe he is on the spectrum and when I was invited to a family gathering he spent alot of the time happily playing with the small child of one, it made me wonder at the time cos he looked alot more comfortable around the child than being with his brothers, their partners, parents and myself. The child obviously feels he wants tobe around you, wants your interaction and I think the idea of quite whispering games could definatly be something you both enjoy for a very long time and as years go on it could be developed into secret notes, quiet reading, making puzzles etc. 5 year olds often do not realise how much noise they make and I have to admit emptying a box of lego is pretty noisy even if you don't intend on making a noise but the 5 year old doesn't realise this as they do it and also as they are stamping their feet about. On another note maybe you could play hide n seek with him and forget to count, lol Hope you find some friendship in this child as he probably wants yours <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
della Report post Posted October 16, 2006 Perhaps I shouldn't say this Neil. Yes, I can see it was hell. But you're account of it really made me laugh. Which is perhaps some compensation? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Flora Report post Posted October 16, 2006 Oh dear TheNeil, sorry your family day wasn't so good, but I did have an ironic chuckle, in as much as it's usually my boys who are causing havoc and me attempting to put my feet up and enjoying the fact that there are other family members around who might entertain them Maybe your sister-in-law was thinking that the children's 'Uncle TheNeil' would be glad to see his little neices/nephews Hope you've recovered your equilibrium... and remember... family is for life... not just for Christmas Flo' Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted October 16, 2006 TN, sounds to me as if your family just don't "get" it. They can read how AS affects you, but don't seem to be able to apply that information to family gatherings etc. May be worth having a chat, explaining what you find great difficulty with, and try to find some compromises. I also got the impression from your post that they are attempting to include you, and that your nephew, being only 5, likes being around you. Maybe try to get him involved in something you enjoy too,, keep family dinners etc to a minimum, pop over at Xmas time, but don't stay over.....and if all else fails, a brisk walk along Redcar beach at this time of year works wonders Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted October 17, 2006 Oh God, where to start... Della: You laugh as long as you like - It usually calms me down a lot to write about 'disasters'...and that always means looking at it in a humourous way. The fact that someone finds it funny (and maybe cheers them up) is definitely a plus point av16: I've got a little man guinea pig nd a little lady giunea pig. It was originally two little lady guinea pigs but then 2 became 4 and we soon figured out that the pet shop owner had obviously missed something. 4 then went back to being 2 (the little ones went off to new homes) and little man guinea pig soon became slightly less of a man guinea pig following a certain operation. Sadly it was a bit too late and 2 became 5 about six weeks later. And yes, they always need feeding (or so they'd have you believe) Bagpuss: My mum phoned me up last night to see how I was and I explained to her about 'Malcolm' and 'the child' and how it affecetd me. I hadn't wanted to in case she felt as if I disapproved of her 'friend' but I just kind of blurted everything out (reminds me why I often think of AS as being the 'honesty disease')(I know AS isn't a 'disease' but 'honesty condition' doesn't sound right). I think she was a little bit worried that she doesn't know what to do in these kind of situations and, even though she'd spotted that I'd drifted away from everyone else, hadn't thought to check that I was OK. I'll just have to see what happens but I think my family really don't 'get it' so I'll have to keep chipping away at them (BTW How did you know I come from Redcar?) bramblebrae: I'm soooooo glad that you looked at it from this angle. My mum's rationale for inviting 'Malcolm' had been to deflect attention away from me (she was hoping that 'the child' would play with him). Sadly he sees 'Malcolm' a lot and me only every couple of months or so...he wanted to be with 'Unkie Neil'. I know that he's only 5 but he's loud, boisterous and insists on doing 'something' all of the time (and that 'something' doesn't involve being quiet or doing something quiet). He's spoilt by his parents (in terms of material things, not in terms of parental time) so maybe he...oh I'm not even going to go there as kids most definitely aren't my area of expertise. It's difficult with 'th child' as his parents have asked me not to say anything about AS or Mrs Neil having left - they figure he's had enough to deal with what with his grandad (my dad) and his great-grandad (my grandad) having died in the past couple of years. I'm sorry to hear about your neice - treasure those memories Flora: Family may be for life and not just for Christmas but if I can find a reliable hitman... gladysmay: Bah humbug Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
butterfingersbimbo Report post Posted October 17, 2006 oh no it sounds like a total nightmare...although am not the first to say that it did make me laugh too...you have a great way of saying things! hope that you have recovered and hope you dont start worrying about crimbo already!!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted October 17, 2006 (edited) How do I know?...he he he.....I have ways and means...... Don't you remember our discussion re the finer points of lemon tops when you first joined the forum? Edited October 17, 2006 by Bagpuss Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
noogsy Report post Posted October 17, 2006 hi TN......you made me smile this morning when i read your post.i think all of us can take bits of your family and associate with them.your soap loving sister in law(i hate soaps to stupid, stupid, stupid)your dull brother and your mum fussing over everything trying to make sure everyone is looked after.and erm comfortable. ..and then your nephew who is over attentive to you..lol..i to am a loner in lots of ways im happy to be with my dog and no one eles...but i like kids i like to be with them play games..kids tell you the truth.they are direct.they say what they think.no reading between the lines.no silences..i can picture you at christmas with your paper party hat on and you nephew rolling about on you knee having a tantrum.....while everyone watches the queens speech.....ggrrroooan...tehe noogsy Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bullet Report post Posted October 17, 2006 Hopefully the more your family learns about Aspergers, TheNeil, the more understanding they'll become. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted October 17, 2006 How do I know?...he he he.....I have ways and means...... Don't you remember our discussion re the finer points of lemon tops when you first joined the forum? Ahhh (curse my intermittent memory loss)...I bet everyone else hasn't got the faintest idea what any of that means and doesn't understand the delights of lemon tops (hmm, I wonder if I can drive up there now...) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted October 17, 2006 kids tell you the truth I think they do up to a point and then they become 'corrupted' by the big bad world and lose their innocence. Animals on the other hand are always honest and maybe that's why I much prefer to see my mum's dog rather than 'the child' or even my mum herself come to that And glad that people find my descriptions of my 'problems' funny - turning bad situations on their heads is some times the only way to get through them Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
av16 Report post Posted October 17, 2006 Hi The Neil I'm glad we weren't the only ones who bought 2 lady guinea pigs who turned out to be not quite what they seemed. We had 1 18month old female (her 'sister' had died), we got 2 new 'sisters' for her, unfortunately one of them behaved in a way that she did not appreciate. Fortunately she was twice the size of him and saw him off - he had to go so now we've just the two. I didn't realise what characters they are - I can imagine yours have really kept you going during bad times - if only with the constant feeding! Best wishes AV Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
butterfingersbimbo Report post Posted October 18, 2006 oo give me loads of dogs anytime...... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
TheNeil Report post Posted October 18, 2006 I didn't realise what characters they are - I can imagine yours have really kept you going during bad times - if only with the constant feeding! 'Characters' is one way to describe - 'eating machines' is another Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
