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anita81

lost my mojo

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im 25 year old aspie.my boyfriend is struggling with my lack of sex drive.has anyone else had this problem?what do i do to gget it back.

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Have you checked behind the fridge? If you lose something then it's nearly always there

 

On a slightly more serious note, I had the same problem with my ex and I really wish I had an answer to give you. Is it that you're not interested? or that you're not interested in doing it with him? or that it's uncomfortable?

 

What I would definitely say is try not to get hung up on it as you'll end up worrying and making a bad situation only worse. Also, talk to your boyfriend and find out what he thinks, whether he's noticed a problem etc.

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i dunno whats up!im just not interested.

 

Been there, done that. All I can say is (as I said before) talk to your boyfriend and explain the situation to him. The worst thing you can do is to force yourself or let him force you or put any pressure on you to 'perform'. Feeling pressured is only going to make things ten times worse. Is sex a big part of your relationship or do you think your boyfriend would be able to live without it?

 

I know that it'll sound like a bit of a wishy-washy answer but if happens then it happens (and trust me as a man it's a lot harder to fake be <ahem> 'excited :whistle: )

Edited by TheNeil

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Guys...

 

I think this discussion might be more appropriate somewhere else??

 

Bid :unsure:

 

 

Why?

 

 

If those with ASD's can't discuss something like this on an ASD forum where can it be discussed? The problem with 'problems' like this is they get swept under the nearest carpet and never get discussed. The subject matter was quite obvious from the topic title. If it may cause offense don't read it! Oh and mini phas aged 11 heard me read the post out and didn't bat an eyelid over it but then in our house no subject is off limits to the children if they are old enough to understand it.

 

As Baddad has frequently pointed out in the past this is a forum meant for adults and comes (if memory serves me rightly) with something akin to a pg rating in his eye's.

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when i saw the topic title i thought she had lost her mobile!! im having a blonde day today,well actually a blonde with lots of grey in it(as my so called friend informed me last night!!)maybe what anita is going through could be due to depression or like stephanie said medication,i also think the more someone worries about something the worse it gets,but then im a fine one to talk cos i worry about everything

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Anita,

 

Sorry to hear you are having these difficulties. It must be tough to discuss it with your boyfriend. I think Stephanie could have raised a valid point, your sex drive could of lessened for many reasons, and it possibly may be worth having a chat with your GP. Also, I think most people have times in their lives when their sex drive increases or decreases, due to so many different factors. Try not to place a huge importance on it. If you really can't discuss it with your other half, and feel it really needs to be addressed, then as I said, consider going to your GP.

 

Take care >:D<<'>

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Hi Anita,

 

Sorry I don't have anything to add that hasn't already been suggested. Seeing the GP seems to be a good step but a lot will depend on the GP.

 

You might find some of the books/websites on this previous topic helpful.

 

AS / Relationships and Marriage, Information on family relationships.

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=727

 

Nellie xx

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Well personally, I thought Mojo's were those little liquorice sweets you got along with Fruit Salads and Black Jacks ... I was thinking maybe this post was meant for the 'sweet's nostalgia' thread we had running

 

 

Anita - I don't think I can really add very much to what has already been said, other than to echo the sentiments that being honest and not feeling pressured are very important factors. I hope you and your partner can find a better understanding soon, and would agree that a good chat with your GP might reveal more than is readily apparent from discussions amongst yourselves.

 

L&P

 

BD :D>:D<<'>

 

Post edited by moderator. (Nellie)

Edited by nellie

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Same here, Hev...I didn't know what 'mojo' meant, either! :lol:

 

Bid :wacko:

 

Glad it wasn't just me ...

 

 

Sorry that I can't think of any advice apart from TN's advice to talk about it with your other half

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Anita I have the same problem and it always upsets my partner if I'm not interested and sometimes ends in a row. I always put it down to the fact I've got so many other things going on in my head all the time. Now I just drink 1/2 a bottle of wine first and then I can fake it!!. (Apologies if this offends anyone)

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Hi Anita81,

 

I am like you and often have little or no interest in sex. It's always been that way regardless of young children, use or non use of contraceptives. I have never discussed it with a doctor as I have felt ashamed of it (until I found ot about AS). Like KathrynH there is always so much swinging around in my head. Her idea of having wine beforehand is excellent! Also just make the most of when you do feel like it.

 

Yoyo

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the trouble is when i have wine i get so tired and fall asleep so that defeats the object,ive just thought maybe thats why nick gives me the wine every night :(

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hi this is quite a serious problem and i also think you should see your GP. just to give you a check up and make sure that you have nothing wrong.what about thinking about some sort of therapy?i had a look round the internet and it seems men have this problem more than women.or maybe woman dont talk about it.from what i can see it seems to be stress related.there is mention of hypnotherapy?worth a thought.i spose not all people feel sexy all the time and maybe this is just a dry spell in your life.i dont think you should just put up with it though.definately see the doc....love noogsy

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i had problems like this for years,i suffer from low self esteem which i think mine stemed from and i found it so embaressing to talk about as my family wasent open and we never mentioned things like that and thats how i always was,i agree with phas that probs like this do get swept under the carpet and it never gets mentioned and you feel the only one going through it,hope im making sense,i know what i mean!!

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I wouldn't have guessed the subject matter from the topic title. And I'm an English teacher. :lol: Still you learn something new every day. Just found out (courtesy of Wikipedia) that a Mojo is a magic charm used among other things, to ward off evil. :huh:

 

Anita, sorry, can't offer any advice: I hope you find a solution soon.

 

K x

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You lot don't know what Mojo is??? Really?? Mind you.....i only know it from Austin Powers :lol::P

 

Anita - maybe just stick a 'Adult Only' bit on the topic title :)

 

I'm not sure what advice i can offer....... It's such a personal, complex thing >:D<<'> . Could be that you're feeling a bit low..... could be that you're a bit run down..... could medical/hormonal........... could be lots of things :unsure: . Keep talking to you're bf though.

 

I suppose, maybe thinking back to when things were not like this - and what's changed since............ Dunno, might be a starting point?? :unsure: GP is also a good idea.

 

:)

Edited by smiley

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Anita I have the same problem and it always upsets my partner if I'm not interested and sometimes ends in a row. I always put it down to the fact I've got so many other things going on in my head all the time. Now I just drink 1/2 a bottle of wine first and then I can fake it!!. (Apologies if this offends anyone)
:shame::lol:

 

 

I do that :lol:

At the mo our SL is non existant - It's Been going downhill since H was born 5 yr ago - i think it's a combination of depression, stress and the meds i'm on ( oh and the pain i've had since H was born - the GP said it was pyschological :( )

It is hard, and it makes you feel giulty about not wanting it so it becomes a vicious circle - i'm just hoping it will come back eventually :pray:

 

MM.

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Anita,

 

>:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

I kinda know this situation as well. When me and the Bob first got together over 4 years ago everything was smashing or so it seemed. I was still depressed then and was an un-diagnosed Aspie then and things have slowly gotten worse and worse and worse until last December when I was diagnosed. Things got better then the more I learnt about myself and things have made big improvements since I came off the anti-depressants and since I've been taking a tablet which forces me to have a period every month because I might have Polycystic Ovarian Syndrome (I find out this Thursday btw what the scan results are, fingers crossed). Anyway something causes me to have irregular periods and often the longer I go without one the more and more depressed I get in the run up to having a period. As you can imagine this has dire effects on my sex life.

 

However I now can pin-point exactly the two things that have an affect on my SL.

 

1. The anti-depressants. They are a killer and have an affect on you that at the time you just can't see. The problem is that even when you stop taking them your body has been duped into thinking that you don't want any kind of interaction with your partner. I have had to actively tell myself that I do want interaction with Bob and that I do find him attractive and all that. I'm not deluding myself because he is the best boyfriend in the world and I wouldn't want to be with him if it wasn't right. It is right, my brain has just got used to thinking that it's not right and that's what I've had to try and change. It's also hard while you're on the tablets because you think they're having no effect and you also seem to forget that they could be a cause and so start looking at everything else, even your partner to see what's wrong.

 

2. My sensory issues. My senses, because of being Aspergic, are all heightened and fragile. Smells, sights, sounds and touch....all these things can change how receptive I am to Bob's advances. A dog barking outside is enough to aggrevate me to the point where I am too irritable to continue. Something Bob has eaten can also cause massive problems lol. Little things all have huge effects and it is a massive battle trying to not only identify what these things are but also getting Bob to understand them. "Ignore the bloke mowing the lawn, just look at me" is easier said than done!! So anyway, my suggestion is to plan in advance. I know this is entirely unsexy and you would think could be a killer but once you get into a routine it's not all that bad. Plus we're hardly the most spontaneous of people, it's just something you gotta learn to accept. Make sure that you change your sheets regularly so nothing can bother your skin, the same applies to your room being tidy/dusted. The number of times I have called time out because my skin is itching like crazy, it's not worth it. Put music on that you like and turn it up so that outside noises can't be a distraction. Dim the lighting or buy some fairy lights and weave them around your curtains/curtain pole so that it creates a romantic atmosphere. I have one of those net curtain things that are on a ring that hangs down over the headboard, like a princess lol (�4 from Ikea!), and I have draped my fairy lights over it so it looks all pretty and it certainly helps! The last thing is something that we've always done, but only in the last year figured out how much of a positive impact it makes each time, is starting everything off in the shower. (I'm sorry if this is a bit rude for some people!) Being a clean freak, starting in the shower is just the answer to everything lol.

 

Anyway, don't know if you are on any meds so that might not help. But the sensory things could work for you also. Try not to beat yourself up about it, it will only make things worse as you will start to dread thinking about it and then start to dread doing it. Getting a complex about something can be a very powerful and destructive thing because you become convinced that you are thinking correctly. Look at all the people with anorexia, they are absolutely convinced that they are fat when everyone knows they aren't! The same can happen with attitudes towards things. You might have totally convinced yourself that you don't want sex but the reality might be different so some Cognitive Behaviour Therapy might be helpful, as well as maybe talking to a therapist with your boyfriend. If he is the right person for you these things will seem minor sacrifices to make. But you never know you might just not have found the right guy yet, it is a possibility.

 

One thing you can start to try and think about straight away is that you don't have to feel like having sex 24 hours a day. Neurotypical blokes are different, mostly, I can't speak for them all. But most fellas rarely think about anything else apart from football and food and all that other stuff. Girls are different, NT or not. We can't just walk in from a trip round the supermarket and drop the bags and get down to it. We've got too much to think about and for us sex is more linked with emotion than blokes. So we gotta feel like it. That's why it's important to give yourself a break and don't feel like you have to switch it on, on demand. We're just not built like that. There is nothing wrong with making yourself feel more in the mood, it's only natural and at the end of the day if it works and you're happy, who is to say any different.

 

I know this topic can make others feel uncomfortable and I am sorry if any of what I said embarrases anyone or if they feel it's a bit too much for this forum. But, I think Anita is very brave for posting this on here as really, who else have we to ask? Us Aspies don't have many friends and not many of us want to sit down and ask our mums for advice. A doctor, whilst offering a refferral for guidance, is not exactly going to be a shoulder to cry on and sometimes you need someone other than your boyfriend to talk things through with, especially if they are finding it hard to understand. I agree that an adult topic should be flagged to this topic and that the term "mojo" could be a little misleading but not everyone is going to read this topic and I certainly wouldn't have entitled it "can't have sex, help". Have a little heart guys, it's a tough topic and whatever way you approach it it's hard to get it right. I know younger children/teens might be reading on here also but teens become adults all too quickly and they're getting sex ed in much more graphic detail anyway from the age of 9 and 10. I know because my mom is a primary school teacher and has to watch the sex ed tapes for her year, year 6, to ensure that they meet the guidelines and I sometimes watch them with her because to an adult they're quite funny. But sometimes I'm also like, really! This is ok for year 6? But ya know there comes a point when you have to stop pretending to your kids that sex is just for making babies. You'd be surprised how much kids actually know, think about when you were younger lol. I'm not having a go, or preaching or telling anyone they're wrong, I can see where you're coming from, but I also know how you feel Anita and I wanted to reply and see if I could help.

 

Emily

xxx

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I can't see anything wrong with this topic nor anything funny - sorry. I always thought that this was the place for help and advice for those living with ASD. Antia has a problem that she needs help and s e x is part of most peoples lives.

 

Emily I think your response was very informative and I hope that it helps Anita.

 

Oracle

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hi.thank you everyone for your replies.youve all given me a lot to think about.im sorry if ive offended anyone.i dont know how to flag things(Im new to computers)!it is a difficult thing to talk about but hey nobody knows me on here!Again thank you. :notworthy:

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Anita,

 

I'm glad you feel you've been helped by posting this topic, and please don't apologise.

 

I've found many topics on this forum very intimate...including gynae ops, medical problems, suicidal thoughts and depression, which by its very nature is someone opening up completely about their inner most thoughts, myself included. I also agree with Emily, my ds is 13 and probably knows more about sex than me via sex education at school.....which began in primary school.

 

A lack of sex drive is something which affects most people at some point in their lives, and you should not fear discussing it, especially if you find it diffcult to seek advice elsewhere.

 

Sometimes knowing others are experiencing the same thing is a huge help and support >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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oh no, am yet again not sure what to advise, but hope you get it back soon.....and hope it doesnt cause upset in your relationship.

 

i too think its fair enough to ask stuff like this, i dont offend easily.....i've got an ellie! :P

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