Help - younger siblings

[jemimap]

Hi - just wanted to say hello and introduce me & mine. I'm mum to 3 kids, a 9 year old boy with HFA and 2 girls aged 7 and 2.

Can I ask some advice straight away or should that go somewhere else??? It's just that I've really had it with this one. My boy has always found younger children difficult to handle, I think due to their noise and unpredictable behaviour. He gets on with his 7 yr old sister most of the time but he just can't tolerate our youngest. She dotes on him and follows him around all the time and this really winds him up. He's verbally quite nasty to her which I find really hard to handle. I try to help but I can't be dealing with this all the time and do everything else as well. Like now. I'm trying to cook tea, youngest is screaming for help with some toy, boyo has shut himself in his room to escape and middly is amusing herself quietly but always gets neglected this way. And because I jump every time the youngest shouts, her behaviour just gets worse. I'm exhausted.

 

Any advice will be appreciated. Going now. Dinner's burning.

[Kazzen161]

It's not easy is it?

 

Some ideas:

 

When your others are at school, I would try to train your youngest not to scream, but to ask for help.

 

Encourage the older children to help their sister with things - make them feel clever that they can help her.

 

Keep telling your son that his sister likes him, that's why she wants to be with him. Tell him to ask her to leave him alone and help her to do this.

 

Is there any way of helping your son with his noise and personal space issues - headphones to dim the noise? a playpen for your youngest? a "den" for your son?

 

I still find cooking meals is the time when things go awry, cos I can't be monitoring what is going on.

 

Karen

[Kathryn]

Hi Jemimap,

 

Just wanted to say welcome to the forum.

 

Not sure I can advise here as there's a biggish age gap between my two (17 and 9). The older one, who is autistic, tends to shut herself in her room with her CD's and headphones when she wants to get away from her brother. He gets the message!

 

K x

[Elanor]

Hi Jemimap, and welcome

 

I've had this problem - it's eased a bit now that my eldest (AS) is 12, but it's not an easy one. It's great that your eldest will go to his room - it's the best thing for him when he's wound up (I used have terrible trouble getting my son to go to his room without it seeming like a punishment).

 

As you realise, the middle child needs attention, even if she seems to be managing well - it's really important to praise her for helping and being good, and to encourage her to get you to help when problems start. However, my middle son started to believe it was his job to resolve difficulties, and his fault if he couldn't - and that caused him to become really anxious. We had some therapy for him, which brought this out, and was really helpful. The middle child needs to have her worries recognised and to be reassured that she isn't responsible. If you haven't already started doing this, you should consider teaching her what HFA is all about.

 

The youngest will have to learn to come to you for help and to avoid irritating her brother - but not at 2 years old! I would ban her from going into your son's room without his permission - in our house, even I have to knock at his door.

 

The really hard thing comes if there's any aggression or violent behaviour from your son to the little one. I had this problem. When this happens, you really have no choice - you simply cannot leave them alone together, whatever else has to be done in the house, and however impractical that might sound. I know from experience that its impossible - but its what you have to do.

 

Things can get easier in time, and sometimes you have to take one day at a time, but I hope things settle down.

 

Elanor

[OPooh]

Hello and welcome.

 

Yeh I know that one but my son attacks his little brother. Mainly bites and scratches him so I have to keep an eye on them all the time if they're together. I encourage him (when cooking etc) to go upstairs and read whilst the little one helps me cook the dinner (sits on the worksurface with my spare potato peeler lol).

 

My boys are alomst 10 and 3 btw.

 

Good luck with it.

[jemimap]

Thanks all. It never seems quite so bad the day after but you have given me food for thought. Thanks again.

[jlp]

We've had many a time when I've been trying to cook and it does seem to be when everything kicks off.

 

My son G (AS) is almost 7 and my little one (L) is 3 and it can be so volitile. G doesn't understand that L is younger - could that be part of the problem with your boy? Him not understanding that your 2 yr old can't help crying, being noisy etc as that's what 2 yr olds do! L doesn't always do the 'right' thing (if L snatches a toy or thumps G there's hell on!) so will retaliate with physical violence. They'll also argue over something meaningless ('it isn't' 'it is') and it'll go on and on and on and neither will stop.

 

I wish L would look up to G but he seems to have an equally awkward streak in him and is very much 'mammy do it!' so even when G tries to help, as we have taught him, L doesn't want it and G ends up feeling cross.

 

On the other hand my little one has seen a lot of tantrums and shouting and screaming from G which I hate. He'll also get screamed at by G at times. It is hard to handle hearing someone (even your own child!) shout at your baby!

 

Glad things don't seem so bad today

Edited November 30, 2006 by jlp