ange Report post Posted December 5, 2006 I'm feeling quite helpless at the moment... I have four children - two who have autism, Hary is 9 and attends an SSC in a mainstream school, and Devin 14 who goes to high school. I have two more children Jack is 12 and a little girl who is 2. I'm having (and this has been going on for years now) problems with my 3 boys. It seems that my two boys with autism, have really big problems with Jack - and vice versa. Jack is quite an intelligent lad, and he does understand (as much as a 12 year old can) the problems that his brothers have. The thing is they are always exchanging nasty comments and a lot of fighting goes on. Jack can be quite nasty to his brothers. He always seems to look down his nose at then, and constantly calls them names. The other two boys gang up on him a lot because of this. The problems that Jack has are overflowing into his school. He is now in his first year at High School, and from the reports i am getting from school, he appears to be mimicking his brothers behaviour at school - lack of listening and following instructions, also he is being very cheeky in school, and answers his teachers back a lot. Does anyone else have problems with other children who are 'normal' and their siblings It's really tough. I am quite a laid back mother in the sense that i won't jump down my children's throats at the slightest thing, but as any parent i do have my limits and breaking point! Something happened last week that i would never tell anyone else outside of the home, because they just wouldn't understand..... Jack had been ribbing his brothers all evening. Eventually i sent him to bed as a fight was going to break out, and i don't like name calling, and particulary hate the word 'stupid' The boys were very wound up so i kept them up late, Harry's melatonin wasn't kicking in, because he was so angry. Eventually they calmed down and i sent them to bed. All hell broke loose I had to go upstairs several times to calm them down - Jack is in a different bedroom, and i could hear him muttering nasty comments to his brothers still. I had to go downstairs for a little while as my two year old was not sleeping (she sleeps on the sofa until her brothers are asleep) Then Jack called me and came downstairs. He was soaking wet. Harry had filled up an empty drinks bottle with wee and had poured it over Jack He had to shower and all of his bed covers where drenched. I spoke to both Devin and Harry firmly...it turns out Devin was telling Harry about the time that he had wee'd on a mattress and Harry had got it into his head to pour wee over Jack. Devin has a milder version of autism, and i expected more from him. He said that he couldn't tell me what was going on as he was laughing too much, and that Jack had thrown toys into their bedroom so he didn't want to say anything anyway I just feel like when all of my children are together it's like world war. All the children when they are on there own are brilliant - even if it's just two of the boys it's good - but all 3 boys together it feels like one big battle to settle them. I just can't split myself anymore than what i do. My partner finds it very differcult to cope with - he was bought up in a very strict way, and finds it all too much. He is also doing a college course and a lot of the time he is trying to study. He is away on a course this week and i am dreading the boys coming home from school, because you never know what will happen next! Jack did have a volunteer support worker come out to him one a week, to do activities with him (he didn't like it that much because the volunteer wasn't his choice! but it did mean he got a break from his brothers!) but that ended because of funding. It is getting a little easier because Jack is old enough to go out with his friends, but the problems seem to have arisen again because of winter everyone is stuck indoors. Anyway I've well and truly had one big rant!, and in fact i am feeling a little better for off loading my problems! Thanks for listening, and please tell me i am not alone! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
UltraMum Report post Posted December 5, 2006 You're not alone - although I only have the one so can't really speak - but I do hear this from friends with more than one. <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> to get you through the next minute/hour/day/noght/week/fortnight/month/year/decade/century/millenium (delete as appropriate) Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cat Report post Posted December 5, 2006 (edited) I have no advice but I can offer some observations if you don;t mind? Jack is 12 and that probably means that he has hit puberty and that could be impacting on the way he is behaving. He may also feel left out and may not even realise that. When I say left out I mean from the bond that his two older brothers share. He could feel like the odd one out with his brothers. Do you have a Young Carers in your area they offer weekly gatherings and outings if of course he wants to attend? And I hesitate to suggest that he may need counselling. We have a wonderful children's councelling service in our authority which is not tied into SS or CAMHS. It has helped many children who have disabled siblings. I really do feel for you. I have two with autism and two without but the two without are now adults and living their own lives. The two with don't always get along and have done some really nasty things to one and other. It's like living in a war zone and worse still because you are Mum to both of them whatever you do makes it look as if you are taking sides and the other thing is the male dominance issue - three males all trying to be the alpha male. <'> <'> <'> Cat Edited December 5, 2006 by Cat Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bullet Report post Posted December 5, 2006 No advice, but <'> <'> Ange <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
ange Report post Posted December 5, 2006 Thanks very much everyone I do see what you are saying Cat and yes it does make total sense! Jack did belong to Suffolk Carers, but he just didn't want to go to the clubs they have, which is such a shame. He's quite shy with people he dosen't know very well, although he does have a large circle of friends...the problem has always been though, that i have my hands full with my other children, and Jack dosen't like bringing his friends home for an evening!....it's like a vicious cycle if you see what i mean!! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Cat Report post Posted December 5, 2006 it's like a vicious cycle if you see what i mean!! Oh Yes I see what you mean been there, done that, and still wearing the T Shirt. It's not easy. If he does not like bringing his friends home then it may be because he does not feel comfortable about doing that and that will make him resentful of his brother - but how you square the circle I don't know. Do you think he would want to talk to anyone about his feelings? He is not at an age where he will think that it is cool to do this but he may benefit from it. I kind of had a little bit of an insight into our counselling services for children, my middle son was hit by a car and had some issues to deal with. They were brilliant with him and he did benefit from the sessions. He was 11 at the time. I know that this is not the same kind of thing but I know that our services often council children who have disabled sibblings and they can go there and tell it like it is for them in total confidence - no feed back to anyone unless the child wants that. Cat Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
caren Report post Posted December 5, 2006 <'> <'> <'> Sounds like my house in last 6 months !!!! not sure whats happened but like you i'm laid back don't shout at the kids unless its serious and hate the words Stupid , dumb , etc so there banned words abit like swear words the kids know not to use them. but the rowing and getting on each other nerves has become a normal thing in the house and i'v started dreading weekends (loved them before) my children at home are louise 19(at xmas) jamie 16 , lewis 14(lewis as aspergers ) jade 12 , kirk 10 (kirk has learning disabities) and kurtis 6 (kurtis has ASD) jamie and lewis are rowing alot and trying to get each other into trouble , lewis keeps putting things into jamie's room so it looks like jamie's been stealing , and with winter here there all stuck in house , no advice though sorry but wanted you to know that your not on your own <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
