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oxgirl

Two 'friends' over = two disasters!

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(*sigh*), I'm so fed up. :( I know the mums of two boys who I used to get to come over and play with Jay every now and then. They never call me, it's always me that has to phone them up and ask if their kid wants to come over. So, anyway, I hadn't phoned either of them since the Summer, but I worked really hard, nagging at them to get them to bring their boys over this week to play with Jay, one came on Monday and the other came today, just left! :(

 

Both were total disasters and ended with Jay being totally frustrated and dissatisfied and disappointed with the visits. The trouble is, that he's just so inflexible. He wants them to do what HE wants them to do and he just can't compromise. He's not able to be a friend to them and take an interest in what they want to do or join in with them, he shows such bad grace.

 

The lad that came this afternoon is really keen on Bamzooki website, so Jay enjoyed showing him the different things that they can do and, in his eyes, they were 'doing it together', (i.e. Jay was in control!). Of course, as soon as the other lad wants to do it for himself Jay sees this as the other lad not wanting to be with him and Jay ends up getting frustrated and stomps around the room growling, he just cannot sit next to the other kid and join in and give encouragement and offer tips in a friendly way, or whatever. He's just been ranting that this other kid 'wasn't doing it right', but the thing is he gets so frustrated because he can't make the kid do it correctly, that he snaps and gripes at the kid in a most unfriendly manner and ends up in a terrible strop. He has no idea how to be a friend to someone!! The thing is, though, that he doesn't see it himself, HE is annoyed with the other boy because he feels like HE didn't want to be with HIM, but it's totally the other way around. :(

 

I don't think either of these boys will agree to be dragged back here again to 'play' with him, so that's that now, he has absolutely no-one. The Summer hols will be a nightmare with him and me here alone and he won't see a single soul. I'm heartbroken. :crying::crying::crying:

 

~ Mel ~

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Oh Mel, I'm so sorry this has been a disaster :( We've had similar incidents with our dd. Our eldest does has friends, but she can be alittle focused on what she wants. Our youngest doesn't have friends, although her teacher has said she has started to interact more with the other children at playtime etc. i noticed at her nativity play afterwards a little girl from her class was following our dd everywhere, desperately trying to hold her hand....but our dd just wasn't aware of her. This little girls mum was trying to take a piccie of both girls (the little girl has put her arm round our dd by now), but our dd just stared off in another direction. It can be so upsetting.....possibly more for us parents than the child themselves. Does Jay really want friends over but just cannot cope with it, or is he happier playing by himself? I'm not overly concerned about our youngest because she seems oblivious to it all, but I do feel upset when our eldest dd has difficulties with friendships, because she finds it distressing and sometimes just cannot understand the complexities of friendships etc. I wish I knew what to suggest.....we've found support groups a god send, and this forum. Do you have any local support groups or anything for Jay to become involved in.......would the NAS know of anything? Sorry I couldn't be of more help hun, but I'm thinking of you...huge hugs >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> and take care.

Edited by Bagpuss

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Thanks a lot Bagpuss. >:D<<'> It didn't used to upset me because, like your little 'un, Jay used to be totally oblivious to other kids, but now he's 13 he's well aware of how different he is and school has taught him that he's weird and doesn't fit in and that nobody wants to be his friend. :crying:

 

He was so desperately looking forward to having the two boys over, and I think that's part of the problem really. He gets so crushingly disappointed if it doesn't go well and I'm really worried that he'll decide that having a friend is just too hard and not worth the bother and that he's better off on his own. He is happy playing on his own, but he does really want a friend as well. :crying::crying::(

 

There isn't anything much around here for kids apart from sport orientated stuff and that's just not right for him. Social clubs are geared around snooker and footy and computer games and he just has no interest in any of these. Don't know where to turn really, so afraid that he's going to retreat into himself and become a lonely recluse. :crying:

 

Take care and thanks for listening. >:D<<'>

 

~ Mel ~

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hi mel

it must be so heartbreaking for you i worry so much about my lad hes 6 and after the hols he will be going to a special school but what few friends he has now he will be leaving behind and i dont know if he will make anymore as he too is very much in his own world.

I think all we can do is try are best my son loves the cinema and bowling so me or my husband oftern take him there and we feel at least he is getting enjoyment from this. Do you have any other children? O is the eldest but he has two younger brothers and at first he didnt even seem to notice them but he is gradually getting involved with them even if its just telling them off :lol: so i hope when they are older they can be friends. Sorry i dont have any good advice

Brooke

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Thanks a lot Bagpuss. >:D<<'> It didn't used to upset me because, like your little 'un, Jay used to be totally oblivious to other kids, but now he's 13 he's well aware of how different he is and school has taught him that he's weird and doesn't fit in and that nobody wants to be his friend. :crying:

 

He was so desperately looking forward to having the two boys over, and I think that's part of the problem really. He gets so crushingly disappointed if it doesn't go well and I'm really worried that he'll decide that having a friend is just too hard and not worth the bother and that he's better off on his own. He is happy playing on his own, but he does really want a friend as well. :crying::crying::(

 

There isn't anything much around here for kids apart from sport orientated stuff and that's just not right for him. Social clubs are geared around snooker and footy and computer games and he just has no interest in any of these. Don't know where to turn really, so afraid that he's going to retreat into himself and become a lonely recluse. :crying:

 

Take care and thanks for listening. >:D<<'>

 

~ Mel ~

 

:tearful::tearful::tearful:

 

Do you think anyone from the forum whose within travelling distance and a child similar age may be interested in organising something.......or what about organising a group meet up as TN has Up North......maybe something which is geared for the children too? >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> If I were closer I could be of more help :(

Edited by Bagpuss

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That sounds so hard for you. Although my son is much smaller I have the same fears as he gets older. A friend came home for a playdate this week and Adam spent ages burbling on about the streetlights and the order they were coming on (his latest obsession) much to the bemusement of his little friend whom he was really ignoring. At the age of four I think children are more forgiving, his friend just got on with playing and Adam eventually joined him but I worry that as he gets older they won't be quite the same.

 

Have you tried a social story with your son explaining the 'rules' of friendship? What about some role play? I've got a book called 'Tobin learns to make friends' from Amazon which iis a story about this though is designed for younger children so may not be appropriate for your son

 

>:D<<'>

 

Lx

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Wish I had some words of wisdom for you Mel (well it make a nice change if nothing else) but, as per usual, my head is devoid of all thought so all I can do is send a >:D<<'> instead

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Hi

 

My son is exactly the same. Everything is fine ... that is, until a certain point (ie when the other kid wants to do his own thing and Robert's not in control).

 

Is it possible to do a social story about turntaking? See how that goes down, then progress that story onto having friends around.

 

Other option would be to have a 'friend' around for a short while ie 30 mins to 1 hour.

 

Chin up.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

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hi mel

it must be so heartbreaking for you i worry so much about my lad hes 6 and after the hols he will be going to a special school but what few friends he has now he will be leaving behind and i dont know if he will make anymore as he too is very much in his own world.

I think all we can do is try are best my son loves the cinema and bowling so me or my husband oftern take him there and we feel at least he is getting enjoyment from this. Do you have any other children? O is the eldest but he has two younger brothers and at first he didnt even seem to notice them but he is gradually getting involved with them even if its just telling them off :lol: so i hope when they are older they can be friends. Sorry i dont have any good advice

Brooke

 

Thanks Brooke. >:D<<'>

It's so much more heartbreaking now that he's older and he's more aware. My hubby thinks his growing awareness is a good thing, but I just see it as bringing him more pain. It's not as if he can do anything about his problems, they just make him miserable, whereas before he wasn't bothered. :(

Nope, he's an only child, which probably doesn't help, but a bit late now!

Cheers. >:D<<'>

 

~ Mel ~

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:tearful::tearful::tearful:

 

Do you think anyone from the forum whose within travelling distance and a child similar age may be interested in organising something.......or what about organising a group meet up as TN has Up North......maybe something which is geared for the children too? >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> If I were closer I could be of more help :(

 

 

I'd love it if a group of us all lived really close and we could pop round each others' houses for a coffee whenever we liked. >:D<<'> :P

Trouble is, people can be nearish, but just not close enough to make it very easily manageable. Everytime a house comes up for sale in our road I have this unrealistic fantasy that someone with a 10yr old AS lad will move in!! :dance:

See ya. >:D<<'>

 

~ Mel ~

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That sounds so hard for you. Although my son is much smaller I have the same fears as he gets older. A friend came home for a playdate this week and Adam spent ages burbling on about the streetlights and the order they were coming on (his latest obsession) much to the bemusement of his little friend whom he was really ignoring. At the age of four I think children are more forgiving, his friend just got on with playing and Adam eventually joined him but I worry that as he gets older they won't be quite the same.

 

Have you tried a social story with your son explaining the 'rules' of friendship? What about some role play? I've got a book called 'Tobin learns to make friends' from Amazon which iis a story about this though is designed for younger children so may not be appropriate for your son

 

>:D<<'>

 

Lx

 

 

Cheers LizK. >:D<<'>

Yes, it's so much easier when they're little, they just get on and play with the trains alongside each other. :P My lad can understand intellectually when I talk to him about friendships and rules etc., but when he's in that position again he's just not able to put them into practice. Yep, I've got that Tobin book as well. :P

Take care.

 

~ Mel ~

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Wish I had some words of wisdom for you Mel (well it make a nice change if nothing else) but, as per usual, my head is devoid of all thought so all I can do is send a >:D<<'> instead

 

 

Cheers anyways TheNeil. >:D<<'> :P

Do you mind me asking if it was similar for you when you were a lad and did it bother you? Tell me to mind my beeswax if ya want. :P

 

~ Mel ~

Edited by oxgirl

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Hi

 

My son is exactly the same. Everything is fine ... that is, until a certain point (ie when the other kid wants to do his own thing and Robert's not in control).

 

Is it possible to do a social story about turntaking? See how that goes down, then progress that story onto having friends around.

 

Other option would be to have a 'friend' around for a short while ie 30 mins to 1 hour.

 

Chin up.

 

Best wishes.

 

Caroline.

 

 

Thanks Caroline. >:D<<'>

Trouble is there is no-one left to invite around to play. Absolutely no-one. :crying::crying::crying:

 

~ Mel ~

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Cheers anyways TheNeil. >:D<<'> :P

Do you mind me asking if it was similar for you when you were a lad and did it bother you? Tell me to mind my beeswax if ya want. :P

 

~ Mel ~

 

Err yes it's always been like that - never a thought bouncing about...ever. :huh:

 

Unless you mean the situation with Jay and his friends. In that case it wasn't ever a problem for me...no one ever came round to play with me, my parents never brought any other kids home (except for some small thing about four years after I popped into the world. They called him a 'younger brother' or something) and situations like this never really happened. If I think about it beyond being a kid, I, even to this day, don't especially like dong anything that 'deviates from the plan'. It could be that I (and possibly Jay too) work out a system/routine/structure to get through a situation and couldn't/can't respond fast enough when something comes along that upsets that system/routine/structure. I suppose it comes down to control but it's not 'control' in a negative way (as in control freak), more 'control' in a being-able-to-cope way.

 

From my little corner of ASD-hood I can see precisely why Jay would get upset when someone else isn't 'doing it right' - he's got a procedure/routine in place to deal with a certain task/situation and someone else, quite innocently, is deviating from the procedure/routine. The outcome suddenly becomes unclear as this other person isn't 'sticking to the rules' (as his head has defined them) and this is coming out through the frustration and anger - I do it myself even now (although not as much as I used to). When you trust someone enough then you're able to relax a little and have faith that what they'd doing might be 'wrong' but that they won't take you into a situation (physically or emotionally) that is going to upset you. You've really got to trust that person though and maybe that only comes with age or differs from person to person, I don't know.

 

It does bother me when this happens and I tend to dig my heals in (not through choice) but my I think my head is thinking "It works already, don't mess with a wining formula". Well that's my insane view on it anyway. :wacko:

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Hi

 

Know what you mean about that too! Suddenly the circle of 'friends' all dried up. I work full-time, but made a special effort evenings and weekends to invite kids around. Problem was, that most of the mum's had seen Robert in the nursery and were already giving us a wide berth. Nursery was partially run by parents which was good in some ways (could see how things were), but difficult for Robert. Those that were brave enough visited once and then that was it!!! Robert is a control freak and usually ended up pinning the kid in the corner, growling and snarling at them, and threaning to belt them one. As you say, it's heartbreaking. Robert is a sociable little thing, but sad thing is, it usually always ends in tears. In some ways, wish he was a hermit. It'd be a lot easier all round, but that's perhaps me being selfish. Tricky one!!!

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline.

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My son has just started saying that he wants a friend to play with. The last time I had a child over to play, J just freaked out when she went in his room and touched 'his' toys that he has never played with in his life!! That was a few years ago though. But he has started playing with other children at the childminder's, and yesterday I started him at a new holiday club and was suprised when the child-carer informed me that J had been playing with the other children today. And on the way home J told me he doesn't want to go to the childminder tomorrow but wants to go to the club instead! That is a great improvement for J.

 

I also take J to the local Autism support group, but he doesn't really play with other children there yet. I think the problem there is that the children all want to just do their own thing, and unless they have a common interest, don't really interact with each other.

 

The only suggestion I can make, is look into whether there are any local clubs to do with your son's interests. Maybe on neutral territory, he may be able to interact differently, if that makes any sense!

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Err yes it's always been like that - never a thought bouncing about...ever. :huh:

 

Unless you mean the situation with Jay and his friends. In that case it wasn't ever a problem for me...no one ever came round to play with me, my parents never brought any other kids home (except for some small thing about four years after I popped into the world. They called him a 'younger brother' or something) and situations like this never really happened. If I think about it beyond being a kid, I, even to this day, don't especially like dong anything that 'deviates from the plan'. It could be that I (and possibly Jay too) work out a system/routine/structure to get through a situation and couldn't/can't respond fast enough when something comes along that upsets that system/routine/structure. I suppose it comes down to control but it's not 'control' in a negative way (as in control freak), more 'control' in a being-able-to-cope way.

 

From my little corner of ASD-hood I can see precisely why Jay would get upset when someone else isn't 'doing it right' - he's got a procedure/routine in place to deal with a certain task/situation and someone else, quite innocently, is deviating from the procedure/routine. The outcome suddenly becomes unclear as this other person isn't 'sticking to the rules' (as his head has defined them) and this is coming out through the frustration and anger - I do it myself even now (although not as much as I used to). When you trust someone enough then you're able to relax a little and have faith that what they'd doing might be 'wrong' but that they won't take you into a situation (physically or emotionally) that is going to upset you. You've really got to trust that person though and maybe that only comes with age or differs from person to person, I don't know.

 

It does bother me when this happens and I tend to dig my heals in (not through choice) but my I think my head is thinking "It works already, don't mess with a wining formula". Well that's my insane view on it anyway. :wacko:

 

 

Thanks a lot for that, TheNeil, that's interesting. I suspected it was a control thing really, in that he likes to feel that he is in control and he's just so intolerant of anyone who isn't doing things 'right'! Guess he just needs to learn to hide is frustration a bit more and speak a bit more politely to people and give encouragement rather than ranting that them!! :dance:

Cheers. >:D<<'>

 

~ Mel ~

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Hi

 

Know what you mean about that too! Suddenly the circle of 'friends' all dried up. I work full-time, but made a special effort evenings and weekends to invite kids around. Problem was, that most of the mum's had seen Robert in the nursery and were already giving us a wide berth. Nursery was partially run by parents which was good in some ways (could see how things were), but difficult for Robert. Those that were brave enough visited once and then that was it!!! Robert is a control freak and usually ended up pinning the kid in the corner, growling and snarling at them, and threaning to belt them one. As you say, it's heartbreaking. Robert is a sociable little thing, but sad thing is, it usually always ends in tears. In some ways, wish he was a hermit. It'd be a lot easier all round, but that's perhaps me being selfish. Tricky one!!!

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline.

 

 

Aw, sorry to hear about your little one's difficulties, Caroline. It's never easy to watch them struggling, is it. All I want for Jay at the moment is for him to have a friend, it's on my mind constantly, it feels like the most important thing in the world at the moment. :(

 

~ Mel ~

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My son has just started saying that he wants a friend to play with. The last time I had a child over to play, J just freaked out when she went in his room and touched 'his' toys that he has never played with in his life!! That was a few years ago though. But he has started playing with other children at the childminder's, and yesterday I started him at a new holiday club and was suprised when the child-carer informed me that J had been playing with the other children today. And on the way home J told me he doesn't want to go to the childminder tomorrow but wants to go to the club instead! That is a great improvement for J.

 

I also take J to the local Autism support group, but he doesn't really play with other children there yet. I think the problem there is that the children all want to just do their own thing, and unless they have a common interest, don't really interact with each other.

 

The only suggestion I can make, is look into whether there are any local clubs to do with your son's interests. Maybe on neutral territory, he may be able to interact differently, if that makes any sense!

 

 

That sounds promising about your J, hope he continues to enjoy himself. :D

I know what you mean about the local Autism support group, I used to find that. By the very nature of the condition, the meetings can be very isolating, with everyone sitting in their own little family group just looking after their own child and the children never really interracting with each other. I used to come away feeling very lonely! :huh:

There are less and less social groups available as children get older, all the clubs for 13 year olds are totally inappropriate for Jay, and yet he's grown out of his old play schemes that he used to go to, so he's left with nothing really. :(

 

~ Mel ~

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>:D<<'> my son is exactly the smae. His freind Josh used to come, he has dyspraxia so he understands some of toms frustrations, but he used to stand by tom as he played a game on the puter, or ps2 and tom would never offer to let him have a turn. i used to feel so sorry for him really.

 

Tom hasnt seen him for a while as they went to different secondary schools and josh has a whole new set of freinds, they go skateboarding etc. I feel sorry for tom too though cos he was the only freind he had really, i suppose the others grow out of toys etc but tom hasnt really. :crying:

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i suppose the others grow out of toys etc but tom hasnt really. :crying:

 

 

Yes, yes, that's the problem with my Jay really. Other thirteen year olds are doing thirteen year old stuff, but Jay is still playing with his toys like a four year old. It's no wonder he can't connect with his peers! It's awful to see them, isn't it. Hope Tom finds a friend soon. >:D<<'>

 

~ Mel ~

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last Christmas my little man wrote in his letter to Santa that he wanted a friend. I was heartbroken for him. He experiences all the same problems with his rigidity to a set idea meaning that he doesn't ever want to give and take as you have to when making friendships.

 

This year, he has made a friend, I am doing all I can to encourage this. The lad in question hasn't ever made friends easily himself and seems very easy going and willing to follow g's lead. Long may it last. It is making a huge difference that he can go out at play time and pla. G's whole life seems better somehow. He is happier and seems more mature somehow? Part of the gel is that they both love DR Who and Sonic and they reenact "battles" and stories.

 

Long may it last.

 

Also, I keep their play sessions to about 1 and a half hours at home toi try and ensure that each time it is successful and that they both want to do it again!!

 

I really know how you feel about desperately wanting your ds to feel that he has a friend and of course you will support him in any way you can - but maybe it is just a case of waiting for the right person to come along.

 

Take care

Phoebe

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last Christmas my little man wrote in his letter to Santa that he wanted a friend. I was heartbroken for him. He experiences all the same problems with his rigidity to a set idea meaning that he doesn't ever want to give and take as you have to when making friendships.

 

This year, he has made a friend, I am doing all I can to encourage this. The lad in question hasn't ever made friends easily himself and seems very easy going and willing to follow g's lead. Long may it last. It is making a huge difference that he can go out at play time and pla. G's whole life seems better somehow. He is happier and seems more mature somehow? Part of the gel is that they both love DR Who and Sonic and they reenact "battles" and stories.

 

Long may it last.

 

Also, I keep their play sessions to about 1 and a half hours at home toi try and ensure that each time it is successful and that they both want to do it again!!

 

I really know how you feel about desperately wanting your ds to feel that he has a friend and of course you will support him in any way you can - but maybe it is just a case of waiting for the right person to come along.

 

Take care

Phoebe

 

Aw, that's great news, Phoebe, you must be so pleased. :P>:D<<'>

I'm starting to wonder if anyone will ever come along for Jay, though. I mean, I don't know where he's going to meet anyone, but I try to live in hope. :D>:D<<'>

 

~ Mel ~

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Both were total disasters and ended with Jay being totally frustrated and dissatisfied and disappointed with the visits. The trouble is, that he's just so inflexible. He wants them to do what HE wants them to do and he just can't compromise. He's not able to be a friend to them and take an interest in what they want to do or join in with them, he shows such bad grace.

 

I was like this as a kid. Whenever I had friends round I insisted they did things in a certain way - my way.

 

There isn't anything much around here for kids apart from sport orientated stuff and that's just not right for him. Social clubs are geared around snooker and footy and computer games and he just has no interest in any of these. Don't know where to turn really, so afraid that he's going to retreat into himself and become a lonely recluse.

 

It seems like the situation regarding clubs and activities hasn't really changed since the 80s. There was nothing suitable for me when I was a kid as most clubs were for sports. Eventually I found a computer club in Southampton.

 

I find it a bit strange that Jay isn't interested in computers. I can understand him not being too interested in games but what about serious software? When I was 13 I was more interested in the Borland Turbo C compiler than games.

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I find it a bit strange that Jay isn't interested in computers.

 

 

Thanks for the input Canopus.

Why do you find it strange? Not every AS kid likes computers. He adores Lego, that's his thing.

 

~ Mel ~

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Why do you find it strange? Not every AS kid likes computers.

 

I have always thought that kids with AS are more inclined to take to computers than NT kids because computers are more rational than people are. I'm not saying that all kids with AS are obsessed with computers. Some might just use them as a tool and not take much interest into the finer details of the workings of hardware and software.

 

Something Jay might be interested in are CAD packages such as AutoCAD. He probably hasn't ever encountered CAD packages so doesn't know they exist.

 

He adores Lego, that's his thing.

 

What particular Lego theme does he like best? Has he ever seen Mindstorms that turns Technic into a computer controlled robot or machine?

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