HELP URGANT HELP HELP HELP ME SOMEONE PLEASE

[microsoft_admin]

ok heres the deal ive got a placment and funding and a room at Queen alaxandra college in birmingham (autisim college) i whent there before for 3 quaters of a term but i came back to be with my gf (been seeing her for just under 2 years now)i love her very much but she has had a bad past with bf's mistreating her and abuse and wot not

anyway her parents dont aproove of her seeing me and my mum is just coming to terms with the idea as it is but the thing is she hasent told her parents she is still in love with me she has an anxity disorder, agrophobia, depreshion and panic attacks and is scared of telling her parents since she thinks that they will stop loving her and that she will make them sad all the time if she tells them

 

so bassicaly she whants to be just frend because she thinks she has no other option i know she still loves me because shes told me

 

now when i whent to the college before she thought i was leaving her (one of her previous bf's whent to cyprus with out telling her and he just left her and she hasent herd from him since) so thats why i came back

 

also when i whent to the college before i wasent happy there anyway i kept crying alot because i missed her well to cut a long story short i am scared stiff of upsetting her to the point were i have started getting panic attacks and that is now leading to me getting agrophobia

 

i whant to be strong for her but i know that at the moment i am not i made so many plans for me and her getting married, getting a house and starting a family i know i am in no position to support a kid my gf and myself as im on benifits and my maths is ######

 

my question is should i go to the college or not

 

if i stayed here i would do a maths course and some other courses to get some qualifications as well as get myself a part time job and then eventually go to the local uni here and get a desent full time job at the end of it

if i whent it would be 3 years away from my gf and i would get high end qualifications then i would be sent to the uni in birmingham on this special program the college run wich would be another 3 years away from her

 

i love her very much and am more then willing to give up a really good education for an ok education just to be with her

 

all my life i have been obbsessed with computers its all i ever wanted to do for a job but since i met her 2 years ago i dont really care what job i get as long as we can get by on the money it gives us

 

im sorry for dumping all this on hear but i need to vent someware and my mum dont understand she keeps saying that if my gf really loves me then she will wait but my mum dosent understand the situation at all she thinks my gf is just immature she dosent relise she has a diagnosed anxity disorder, agrophobia, chronic depreshion and panic attacks wich have all been diagnosed be her gp

 

 

my gf's parents hate me they know i have aspergers syndrome but as far as they are concernd im

an abnormal imature littile boy who crys like a baby

shure i cry alot but i never had a real frend that cared about me like my gf ok she is my first gf but what happand between me and her the first time we saw each other was a mirrical and i instantly beleved in god the moment i saw her (i used to beleve in science) i know some might say im infactuated well ive been infactuated before this is nothing like it i think about her all the time i cant get her out of my head she is constintly there in my head to the point were it can be anoying i love her very much and would do anything for her but like the meat loaf song goes

 

And I would do anything for love

I'd run right into hell and back

I would do anything for love

I'd never lie to you and that's a fact

But I'll never forget the way you feel right now,

Oh no, no way

And I would do anything for love, but I won't do that

No, I won't do that

 

Anything for love

Oh, I would do anything for love

I would do anything for love, but I won't do that

No, I won't do that

 

Some days it don't come easy

Some days it don't come hard

Some days it don't come at all, and these are the days that never end

Some nights you're breathing fire

Some nights you're carved in ice

Some nights you're like nothing I've ever seen before or will again

 

Maybe I'm crazy, but it's crazy and it's true

I know you can save me, no-one else can save me now but you

 

As long as the planets are turning

As long as the stars are burning

As long dreams are coming true

You'd better believe it, that I would do

 

Anything for love

And I'l be there until the final act

I would do anything for love, and I'll take a vow and seal a pact

But I'll never forgive myself if we don't go all the way, tonight

I would do anything for love

Oh, I would do anything for love

Oh, I would do anything for love, but I won't do that

No, I won't do that

 

I would do anything for love

Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that

I would do anything for love

Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that

I would do anything for love

Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that

I would do anything for love

Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that

 

Some days I pray for silence

Some days I pray for soul

Some days I just pray to the god of sex and drums and rock 'n' roll

Some nights I lose the feeling

Some nights I lose control

Some nights I just lose it all when I watch you dance and the thunder rolls

 

Maybe I'm lonely, that's all I'm qualified to be

That's just one and only, the one and only promise I can keep

 

As long as the wheels are turning

As long as the fires are burning

As long as your prayers are coming true

You'd better believe it, that I would do

 

Anything for love

And you know it's true and that's a fact

I would do anything for love, and there'll never be no turning back

But I'll never do it better than I do it with you. So long, so long

I would do anything for love

Oh, I would do anything for love

Oh, I would do anything for love, but I won't do that

No, I won't do that

No, no, no, I won't do...

 

I would do anything for love

Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that

I would do anything for love

Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that

I would do anything for love

Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that

I would do anything for love

Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that

I would do anything for love

Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that

I would do anything for love

Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do that

I would do anything for love

Anything you've been dreaming of, but I just won't do...

 

But I'll never stop dreaming of you ev'ry night of my life, no way

I would do anything for love

Oh, I would do anything for love

I would do anything for love, but I won't do that

No, I won't do that

 

[Girl:]

Will you raise me up? will you help me down?

Will you get me right out of this godforsaken town?

Will you make it all a little less cold?

 

[boy:]

I can do that

I can do that

 

[Girl:]

Will you hold me sacred? Will you hold me tight?

Can you colourise my life, I'm so sick of black and white?

Can you make it all a little less old?

 

[boy:]

I can do that

Oh no, I can do that

 

[Girl:]

Will you make me some magic with your own two hands?

Will you build and emerald city with these grains of sand?

Can you give me something I can take home?

 

[boy:]

I can do that

I can do that

 

[Girl:]

Will you cater to every fantasy I got?

Will you hose me down with holy water, if I get too hot?

Will you take me places I've never known?

 

[boy:]

I can do that

Oh no, I can do that

 

[Girl:]

After a while you'll forget everything

It was a brief interlude and a midsummer night's fling

And you'll see that it's time to move on

 

[boy:]

I won't do that

I won't do that

 

[Girl:]

I know the territory, I've been around

It'll all turn to dust and we'll all fall down

Sooner or later you'll be screwing around

 

[boy:]

I won't do that

No, I won't do that

 

Anything for love

Oh, I would do anything for love

I would do anything for love, but I won't do that

No, I won't do that

 

 

and thing i wont do is simple i wont cheat that is the only thing i wouldent do for her

 

i mean i love her so much i have eaven changed myself i have lost weight and gone through hell going to the gym for her, ive gone through eaven more hell giving up smoking and ive gotten rid of a fetish i used to have for her now those 3 things i have changed in myself were all stress manigment teqniques i used to have eating smoking and (Beeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep) {cant say it on here) now i have become so stressed that i have started having panic attacks and thats making me agrophobic i havent been out of my room in 3 days apart from to use the loo and every time i do that i start shaking like hell ive stopped eating all i take in nowadays is camp coffe (milk and camp coffie mixed together)

 

 

 

THIS IS WHAT I HAVE BECOME

 

[darky]

oh sweetheart, im much older than you, ive been through experiences, that might help you. i can only give you my opinion, based on what you have said.

when iwas 15 i had a boyfriend, who i thought i loved very much. we did everything together. he was a year older than me. i was possessive over him, and he was possessive over me. when he went on work experience, i was insecure. he wanted to do a job in insurance. at the time all i could think of was the woman in the office. i didnt want for him to be working with woman. when he left school, i convinced him that taking a job working with blokes, was better for him, but really it was better for me. he worked in a factory learning welding.

 

eventually the possessiveness split us up after a 2 year relationship. we ended up fighting all the time, and virtually resenting each other. BUT in the time we were together, i had convinced him to do a job he didnt want to do. it was NOT fair of me to do that, but at the time, my own insecurities choose him a job he was not happy in. lord only knows what hes doing now, but i still feel bad about that sometimes, and as an adult i can see that HE should have been able to choose what he wanted to do, not do what I wanted him to do.

 

its lovely to hear that you are obviously so sensitive and caring for this girl, but in my opinion, who knows what the future holds, your relationship is already under strain and if you feel she has stopped you doing what you want to do, you will resent her eventually, trust me on that

. this poor girl obviously has some serious issues of her own, but this is effecting you deeply. this is why your mum is so worried about you, i can understand this, being a mother myself. this is an important decision for you, and despite this girls problems, its not fair of her to tell you what to do. if you get your qualifications, you have a better chance of a decent future and a steady job, that is going to be more important for a good relationship in the future. this girl is feeling insecure, and she is using that to try and stop you doing what you want to do.

 

i know you want to help her, but the best thing you can do for that poor girl, is step back a little because she needs professional help and she is not going to seek that appropiately with you being there and doing what she wants you to do. i dont know how old you are, but im asuming you are quite young, so in my opinion, you should do what you have to do to secure your own future. housing is expensive, cost of living is not cheap, the better qualifications you have the better chance you have. look at me for example, im unqualified and living in a council house, but if i had the CHOICE i would go back and get my qualifications to get a decent job. its not just the money, but the self esteem. my husband messed up, he is a clever man but never articulated that well, and now is earning minimum wage. we could have both done better.

 

as for your own health, this is effecting you seriously, and it sounds like you need help for yourself. maybe you could seek help together. the decision has to be yours and yours alone. you may feel your mum does not understand, but she is worried about you, and just wants what every mother wants, and that is the best chance their children can have in life and to be happy, you are obviously not toohappy at the moment. your mum can see you are hurting, and that will hurt her im sure. trust what she is saying, i have to agree with her.

 

hope this helps you.

[microsoft_admin]

thanks for the reply darky i am 19 btw

 

 

oh sweetheart, im much older than you, ive been through experiences, that might help you. i can only give you my opinion, based on what you have said.

when iwas 15 i had a boyfriend, who i thought i loved very much. we did everything together. he was a year older than me. i was possessive over him, and he was possessive over me. when he went on work experience, i was insecure. he wanted to do a job in insurance. at the time all i could think of was the woman in the office. i didnt want for him to be working with woman. when he left school, i convinced him that taking a job working with blokes, was better for him, but really it was better for me. he worked in a factory learning welding.

 

eventually the possessiveness split us up after a 2 year relationship. we ended up fighting all the time, and virtually resenting each other. BUT in the time we were together, i had convinced him to do a job he didnt want to do. it was NOT fair of me to do that, but at the time, my own insecurities choose him a job he was not happy in. lord only knows what hes doing now, but i still feel bad about that sometimes, and as an adult i can see that HE should have been able to choose what he wanted to do, not do what I wanted him to do.

 

its lovely to hear that you are obviously so sensitive and caring for this girl, but in my opinion, who knows what the future holds, your relationship is already under strain and if you feel she has stopped you doing what you want to do, you will resent her eventually, trust me on that

. this poor girl obviously has some serious issues of her own, but this is effecting you deeply. this is why your mum is so worried about you, i can understand this, being a mother myself. this is an important decision for you, and despite this girls problems, its not fair of her to tell you what to do. if you get your qualifications, you have a better chance of a decent future and a steady job, that is going to be more important for a good relationship in the future. this girl is feeling insecure, and she is using that to try and stop you doing what you want to do.

 

i know you want to help her, but the best thing you can do for that poor girl, is step back a little because she needs professional help and she is not going to seek that appropiately with you being there and doing what she wants you to do. i dont know how old you are, but im asuming you are quite young, so in my opinion, you should do what you have to do to secure your own future. housing is expensive, cost of living is not cheap, the better qualifications you have the better chance you have. look at me for example, im unqualified and living in a council house, but if i had the CHOICE i would go back and get my qualifications to get a decent job. its not just the money, but the self esteem. my husband messed up, he is a clever man but never articulated that well, and now is earning minimum wage. we could have both done better.

 

as for your own health, this is effecting you seriously, and it sounds like you need help for yourself. maybe you could seek help together. the decision has to be yours and yours alone. you may feel your mum does not understand, but she is worried about you, and just wants what every mother wants, and that is the best chance their children can have in life and to be happy, you are obviously not toohappy at the moment. your mum can see you are hurting, and that will hurt her im sure. trust what she is saying, i have to agree with her.

 

hope this helps you.

[helenl53]

Microsoft Admin, you are going to find it tough enough in life, Asperger's or not but the best thing you can do for yourself is to complete your education to the best of your ability. You will then be more able to achieve and this will give you some self esteem and independence to make choices. You will then be more positive and be in abetter position to support someone like your girlfriend. If you do not look after yourself and finish education, then you may go into a downward spiral and this will be no good for you or your girlfriend.

 

As a mum who is absolutely scared witless about the future for my son, I can see where your mum is coming from. She knows that if you stick with the course, then you have a chance at a decent future and she is worried that you will miss the opportunity by being sidetracked away from it by the needs of your girlfriend.

 

Please do not let this opportunity pass you by. I am not a cynic, but love and romance do not get you through life and this is normally not enough to keep a relationship going when you are struggling for work and housing. Give yourself the opportunity to be able to work and be independent, and then the love and romance will be so much sweeter.

 

HelenL

[cmuir]

Hi

 

Things sound like they're really difficult for you just now.

 

Personally, I'd try and give college a go. There's no reason why you and your girlfriend can't stay in contact and meet up at weekends, holidays, etc. Sometimes absence actually makes you stronger and makes your more focused about what you really want. You're 19 and I'm sure you have a pretty good idea about what it is you want, but you've said it yourself, you want to get qualified, get a good job, get a home, get married, have kids, etc. That's a real goal and one that I'm sure with support you could achieve. This would set you up for life. Give it a try and see what happens! If it doesn't work out, then cross that bridge if and when ...

 

Your poor girlfriend also sounds like she's having a tough time. I note that you said you've done a lot ie went through hell going to the gym and lost weight, given up certain things, etc. A relationship is a two way thing. Now's the time that your girlfriend needs to be strong for you. I know that's easier said than done! I'm sure her parents aren't stupid, they may not approve of your relationship, but they'll probably think a lot more of you for trying to get qualifications, etc. I'm 33 and married, but when I first met my now-husband, my parents were disapproving. As time went by they came to realise that they just had to let me get on with it and make my own choices.

 

Best of luck in whatever you decide to do. You're a bright, intelligent lad and you have to do what's right for you!!!

 

Caroline.

[badonkadonk]

Hey M-A,

 

I understand the predicament you're in here, I have faced a similar situation in the past.

 

I think the one thing you have to consider in all of this is where your mum is coming from. I know often when I was younger (and still now sometimes) I found/find it difficult to see where my mum is coming from or how she can have an opinion that is entirely different to mine. In the case of ex-boyfriends especially when she used to have a negative opinion and I thought they were the best boyfriend in the world. But you learn in time to stop and think and try to see what would make them think like this. In your case it could be down to a mis-understanding about your girlfriend, the fact that your mum doesn't understand some of the difficulties that your girlfriend faces. It could also be that your mum (because she isn't in love with your girlfriend) can see (and has the experience and wisdom to be able to tell) that in the long term you two aren't suited/won't stay together.

 

The problem we all face in life, and what you face here is who is right? Until you know exactly how your mum feels and until you've told her everything about your girlfriend in terms of why she feels or acts differently to others then neither of you will be able to understand each other. You need to sit down with your mum and try to calmly discuss the issue (as difficult as it is for someone with AS to communicate and stay calm in this situation). You have to try because every time you get upset or just say "she's depressed" or "she has anxiety" this means nothing to people who have never experienced this stuff. You have to give proper examples and say how exactly it affects her day to day life. You also need to ask your mum to be totally honest and say why, and in detail, why she thinks you should go back to college in Birmingham or not be with your girlfriend. You also have to be prepared to listen to what she says and let it sink in and ignore the urge to shout you're wrong at everything she says because that is how you will probably feel.

 

My boyfriend's parents hated me when I first got together with Bob....they're still not that keen now to be honest but they are trying. The difference is, is that I was only diagnosed with AS last year and I've been with Bob for 4 1/2 years so it wasn't so much as they didn't like the real me, it's that they didn't understand and know the real me (Aspie and all) they thought I was neurotypical and therefore my lack of wanting to participate in social gatherings at their house/visit their house at all was seen as unacceptable behaviour. Since my diagnosis I have sent leaflet after leaflet, booklet after booklet, home with Bob for him to leave around the house or ask his mum and dad to read. Thanks to this their understanding is slowly changing and they are beginning to make sense of AS. They are still a long way off, change takes time, but their acceptance of me now is 1000% better than a year ago.

 

Maybe this is something you could try with your girlfriend's parents. It could be that they don't know what AS really entails or know nothing about it altogether. I know it would be hard to go and tell them about AS, it's something I couldn't do with Bob's parents, but print off information from the web and suggest books and give them to your girlfriend to give to her parents. You could do this as well to help your mum understand your girlfriend's diagnosis. Print info off about anxiety etc and give this to your mum to read before you sit down to talk about you going away to college with her.

 

In regards to going to Birmingham college, despite living 40mins away from Brum I've never actually heard of the college you're going to and I so wish I had because I would have been there in a heartbeat I went to a different college/uni in Birmingham and eventually had to leave the course in my 3rd year because attending lectures and attempting a dissatation were too much at that time. Me and my boyfriend made it work despite me living at the college Monday - Friday. He drove down to see me a couple of times a week and I spent weekends at home so it wasn't too bad. However when we first got together I had already accepted a place at Brunel Uni in London. We got together in the May of the year and I went to uni in the September so we'd only had a couple of months together. I lasted about 4 weeks before I came home. At the time I said that I missed Bob too much and that I didn't like the girls I was living with. Looking back now, knowing what I know about Aspergers, it was actually 90% not being able to cope due to Aspergers and 10% missing Bob and my family. I spoke to him all the time on the phone and saw him Friday, Saturday and Sunday due to having no lectures on a Friday. I saw Bob a tiny amount more at Birmingham and still managed much better and longer because the atmosphere at Birmingham was better. It was a smaller college, quieter halls of residence, an understanding personal tutor etc.

 

What I'm trying to say is that perhaps the upset you felt at Birmingham wasn't all to do with missing your girlfriend. Being a long way from home can be really scary and hard to cope with, despite having people around you who understand AS. Understanding doesn't take the negative aspects of AS away, it just means that more people should be able to help you cope with dealing with how the negative aspects make you feel. But essentially, those negative aspects are still going to be brought out because you're in a strange environment, starting new routines, being very social (going to classes etc). So perhaps you could look into Autism colleges or colleges that would be understanding of your AS that are a bit closer to home. Birmingham can't be the closest Autism college that there is between here and you. Being closer to home would also give you a chance to see how things work out between you and your girlfriend whilst still getting the qualifications that you want. As long as you look into all colleges and unis and not just plump for the closest college then you are well on your way to making a good compromise between your education and your girlfriend. If things don't work out you're not stuck on some meaningless course, you're still pursuing the right education so that should reassure your mum a bit. Research colleges etc with your mum and go and visit places and make sure that you are going to the right college for you. It is worth delaying and taking the time to try and get it right rather than just picking a college and then having to quit because it's not right.

 

Last bit of advice. Talk to your mum about your anxietys and agrophobia. Or ring the NAS or local Autistic society. You don't have to just exist feeling like you are, there are ways to make things better and for you to feel better but only you can make this happen in the long term, though talking to someone should help you to feel more positive about doing so. The hardest lesson in life to learn is to trust yourself and believe in yourself and your own abilities. I thought I would never quit smoking or stop drinking diet coke. But I did it. By myself. And it seems like you've taken similar steps. If you've beaten smoking you CAN go outside your room and eat three proper meals a day. YOU CAN DO IT. And you have to, if you want to make positive changes in your life. You have to make yourself feel better. Eating something and having a shower and change of environment might be a good place to start.

 

Make a list of all the things you want to change

Make another list of all the things you want to do (talking to your mum, giving info to your girlfriend, looking at new colleges)

Start making daily routines and give yourself at least 3 things to achieve that day i.e. 1. eat 3 meals 2. have a shower 3. tidy bedroom. And then the next day could be 1. eat 3 meals 2. look at colleges 3. go for a walk. Start simple and make them more complicated as the months progress. I'm sure you could come up with some fancy Word plan seen as though comps are your obsession.

Ask your mum to help with your plans if you think that will work, I'm sure she will want to help, I guarentee the only thing she wants is for you to be happy, even if she doesn't always know how to make this happen.

Get out of your room for a period of time each day (going for a walk not included). Start with 10 minutes spent in the living room. Then 15 minutes in the living room and kitchen. Bump up the time by a couple of minutes each day and don't set yourself to high goals. Achieving a simpler goal is much more rewarding than failing a hard goal.

 

And finally, give yourself a break if you can. Stop beating up on yourself, there are plenty of people who don't have life all figured out. Me included. I know it seems like everyone else is more than capable of existing in this thing called life and yet somehow it feels like you're always hovering on the outside and you're not quite sure where you belong. You are already 'belonging' if that makes sense, you are existing, you're already living your life and you've only got one shot at this so the sooner you try to make positive changes the better. You are going to get it wrong sometimes, in relationships and other areas, everyone does but as long as you trying to live the best life that you can you can't really go wrong, you can only learn from things that didn't go exactly right and use them to do things right in the future.

 

Wishing you all the luck I can, try to have a good christmas, I know how much it can suck for us Aspies but try to see the positives if you can. (the thought of opening my pressies usually does the trick!) The onset of a New Year gives you the chance to do things differently in 2007, it's yours to go and get

 

Emily

xxx

 

(p.s. I'm 23 and still getting it wrong, but I'm still learning and moving on and putting more and more things right as I do it. It is possible! Sorry for the extreme length of the post, I should stick it in a book and charge you for it Nah I'm just kidding, it might be worth re-reading the post a couple of times to take it all in and try not to see it as me telling you what to do/having a go. I'm not, I'm trying to help!)

[pumpkinpie]

i DONT KNOW WHAT ELSE i CAN SAY THAT OTHERS HAVENT SAID. gOOD LUCK .

[OPooh]

Yes good luck whatever you decide. x.