ASD behaviour

[reuby2]

I was wondering whether we make our childrens behaviour worse when we make excuses for their behaviour (it's the ASD etc) and by trying to be too understanding??? Please bear with me on these thoughts, it's just that as a parent I try always to see things from his point of view and not to push him when I think it is too stressful for him. However, since starting his new school in september he has come across lots of things that have made him anxious ( and at home this comes out) but he is dealing with them.I suppose I have avoided things that I think will upset him and made lots of excuses for his temper etc. But I noticed on one of the social stories links that they said one boy was "cured" of his asd behaviour through social stories.

I know we can't change the way our children ( my son is classed as "being on the spectrum") process and feel about things and I'm not thinking about our kids that are more severely affected. But I know I can't be there for my son all of his life and want him to be able to "fit in" as best and comfortably for him as possible.How as a parent can I encourage him to "come out of himself" a bit in order to build his confidence.If I allow him to not take part in things that he doesn't want to or avoid things because I fear his reaction, aren't I just teaching him a pattern of Avoidance in his life?

I have an anxiety disorder and realize that I too avoid things if they make me feel uncomfortable, I don't want him to think that that's the way to deal with things. Any thoughts??

[jlp]

I don't think this will be a popular point of view, but it's one I thought myself lately - if since G was diagnosed I'm too tolerant and understanding.

 

I wondered this because sometimes I'd imagine all kids try it on - asd or not!

 

One example, my ds goes to a Catholic school and doesn't like attending Mass. School have been very understanding, got him used to Church by going when it was quiet, taking photos etc and take him out if he starts being disruptive or noisy but I remember disliking Mass myself and part of me thinks that I had to sit through it, as does every other child in his school and they're likely to be not thrilled by the prospect too.

 

So should my G be able to be allowed to get out? It's something I still haven't found an answer to yet myself.

 

I also avoid things that I don't like so sympathise.

 

This probably doesn't make much sense but I do see where your thoughs are coming from and woul dbe interested to hear anyone elses view - as I say I haven't made my own mind up yet on this!

[baddad]

Hi Reuby -

 

I think as parents we walk a very fine line and almost certainly any judgement call we make is going to be wrong in someones eyes! Reassuring or what!

 

Really, it all comes down to the individual child and the things they appear to 'want' from life, and helping them to develop the skills to achieve those desires to the best of their ability. Trying to turn them into 'NT's' is completely unrealistic and unfair and damaging, but similarly failing to acknowledge that their differences will set them apart in the existing social climate - and helping them to develop strategies to cope or contend with that - could be equally damaging.

 

Personally, I think the most important aspect is how you help your child to perceive themselves - how to acknowledge their strengths and weaknesses as part of the whole, and to help them realise that it's other people's perceptions of 'normality' that are sometimes flawed. Prejudices arising from such flawed perceptions shouldn't be accepted as 'truths', but that doesn't make overcoming them any easier...

 

One thing I think we sometimes forget is that life - for children on the spectrum, NT children, adults on the spectrum & NT adults - involves compromises of some kind. Raising any child with the notion that 'No compromise' is acceptable will have very undesirable end results - both for the individual AND those around her or him.

Learning which compromises are acceptable, which compromises are unfair, which compromises are necessity, which compromises are courtesy, which compromises are (etc etc etc ad infinitum) and the best/most appropriate ways of responding to those varied imperatives is undoubtedly MUCH harder for our kids, and a harder task for us as their 'teachers'. We can really only do what any other good parent does - take it step by step, building on our gains, with realistic expectations and without prejudice for those things which continue to remain elusive...

 

Along the way we will regularly **** up royally, and we should allow OURSELVES that without prejudice too, and learn from our mistakes...

 

L&P

 

BD - hopefully getting it right at least 50% of the time

[butterfingersbimbo]

yeah i am agreeing with BD on this......some things can be worked on, others cant.....just do your best as aparent like you have been doing!

[reuby2]

Thanks for the replies, what brought it to the forefront for me was that this year at school, they were going to the local theatre to watch what i thought was a pantomine of Oliver, last year i was really concerned about him going as he had been so frightened ( they went to see Scrooge), anyway last year he did well so this year i paid the money, spoke to his teachers about him being reassured and sitting with one of them etc.

 

when he came home he was traumatised, it hadn't been a jolly pantomine but was a theatrical (musical) production in which he had seen Oliver kidnapped put in a coffin and sat on, Nancy beaten to death (off stage) gunshots and the baddie killed at the end.He kept thinking I was going to die, praying every night that I (mum) would be alive the next day, increased his routines and was really anxious.

So i went in to have a word with the headteacher to discuss in light of this whether anything else wiould be coming up at school that i maybe shouldn't send him too.The Teachers assistant who sat with him, said that she thought he was getting upset, that he was clappin his knees and asking questions, and she did ask him many times did he want to go out but he said no (he doesn't like being drawn attention to and also feels that he has to do things even though we tell him he doesn't have to ). The Head used to be the head at a special school so i valued his advice, he was very supportive and said he was thinking ahead now to their Chester trip where a roman soldier pretends to cut off someones head etc. I asked him whether in hindsight it would have been better not to send him (my instinct is to protect him from things that cause him upset) but the Headteacher said No, his thoughts about being on the spectrum and Nt's were that they could grow towards each other ,that the gap would get smaller and that it is a case of giving extra support to my son to help him however they could.

 

I wonder sometimes whether I expect too little of him and don't give him a chance to grow and whether i should give him a bit of a push (for his own good). I am very soft and do think about his emotions too much, but as it is at the moment he wont go anyway (except school) without me, not to Grans house or a friends house, wont go to anything outside of school hours in terms of after school club, chess club etc even though he is interested. He is very set that he wont try any of these things.Sorry it's so long.

[lynyona]

This is a very interesting thread.Im am frquently accused by my eldest ds for making excuses for kierans behaviour...ie a reason to get away with stuff.It is hard to work out if it is better for him or not am i making a rod for my own back by not being more stricter with him but in my case it is a lot easier to let things go than a mega meltdown and hours of him ranting and raving.adding to which he has been a nightmare today.I sometimes wonder if he had been diagnosed earlier would it have been easier to steer him in a different course of behaviour etc.But i think you cant teach an old dog new tricks springs to mind,not making excuses here i may add ,just call it as i see it and as we all know there is not a right way and a wrong way but a way that works be it right or wrong.

 

lynn

[cmuir]

Where my son is concerned, others from time to time may think I'm being soft (or whatever), but I do try to be mindful of his difficulties because he has AS. That's not to say that I think excuses need to be made, but certainly allowances do HAVE to be made from time to time. I find that it's a case of choosing my battles. There are things which I can ignore (I'd be on his back every minute of the day otherwise!!!) and there are things which I can't ie self harming, being destructive, putting himself in danger, etc.

 

I think it's important to remember that any kid, given an inch, can take a mile!

 

Recently, I decided that my son shouldn't participate in the nursery nativity play due to what happened last year (he was massively distressed, shouting, screaming, etc). Other people said I was wrong to do so. However, my heart and my head told me I was right! The school were selling tickets for the play and I don't think 200 parents with camcorders wanting to videotape their little angels would thank Robert (or me) for a full blown meltdown. I wanted to protect Robert from being the centre of attention for all the wrong reasons. Point is, that I made that decision not because I wanted him to miss out, but because I didn't feel that he was ready (perhaps with maturity that may change?) to cope with that type of situation. My reasons for non attendance was simply that I wanted to spare Robert from any unnecessary distress. I don't think that avoidance is a bad thing, particularly if concerns have been well founded in past. Why put out children through things that we're sure will cause great distress? It's not productive and could make things even worse. That said, I think it's important not to be totally put off trying, but to try the softly softly approach and hope that with eg social stories and with maturity that things change for the better.

 

I think that each of us make decisions for our ASD kids based on what we think is best at the time. We all have concerns and wonder whether we make the right decisions from time to time. At the end of the day, we're only human and do make mistakes. Fact is, ASD children are all different from each other as well as neurotypical children. However, in my son's case, there are characteristics of his personality and behaviour which clearly differentiate him from others. In which case, I feel that I HAVE to be mindful of his AS in respect of tolerance, decision making, etc. I don't think that makes me soft - just considerate.

 

Caroline.

Edited December 30, 2006 by cmuir

[Kazzen161]

We also need to remember that with all children our expectations will increase as they develop and mature, and that is the same for our asd children.

 

We may not expect them to do something now, but there will come a time when we may expect them to have a go (with the right preparation and support).

 

It's a sort of constant risk assessment.

 

I didn't used to let T go out beyond our garden, but my ex used to let T go out on his (small) estate. He came to no physical harm there (more by luck than judgement though), but he did get teased, and had things taken from him. He also went into the woods, which he had been told not to do. My ex was not keeping an eye on T, he had no idea where he was or what he was doing - he expected T not to go in the woods becuase he had told him not to. He didn't really undersatnd T, and couldn't predict the things that might happen. My ex always said that I should let T do more, but I had to go with what I felt to be right. As T got older, he has been allowed to go further, and now goes into town on his own. The risk of something bad happening when T is out has gone from 95%, to about 5%.

 

Karen

[Lucas]

From my point of view, I can't relate to a lot that's being said here. It's general, not specific.

 

But I still have a chip on my shoulder because I certainly feel that whilst I have certainly been the most honest and well-behaved pupil throughout my school years, I have been the most suspected and ill-regarded because my mother frankly never had my back. Nothing I could do would change how others behaved around me because of my mother's influence, until I went to a residential school where she had minimum contact with the staff and pupils.

[baddad]

From my point of view, I can't relate to a lot that's being said here. It's general, not specific.

 

But I still have a chip on my shoulder because I certainly feel that whilst I have certainly been the most honest and well-behaved pupil throughout my school years, I have been the most suspected and ill-regarded because my mother frankly never had my back. Nothing I could do would change how others behaved around me because of my mother's influence, until I went to a residential school where she had minimum contact with the staff and pupils.

 

 

Hi Lucas & HNY!

 

Obviously I can't comment whatsoever on your own situation, 'cos i know nowt about it, but I did want to make the following 'general' observation...

 

The 'suspicion and Ill regard' you mention is sadly, I think, a reflection of the prejudices that surround disability generally, and autism/as particularly in most mainstream environments. For the most part I'd agree that the 'honesty' of AS kids is hugely misinterpreted, and i also agree that where the conceptual understanding exists to put behaviour into context the 'fair play' ethic is much stronger in our kids than it is in your average NT child...

The problem as I see it arises not in how our kids respond to the bits they do understand, but in the judgements and 'blame' inflicted upon them for the bits they haven't yet managed to conceptualise. My own experience as a parent is that I can help people who want to understand toward understanding, but there remains a hard core who will fail to understand regardless of any effort on my part...

Whatever motivates these people, it seems they have more invested in retaining (and passing on, sadly) their prejudices than confronting them, and my son will always be an 'outsider' or 'non-person' regardless of anything he, I or anyone else can do. That's the hideous face of prejudice, and it seems from my own perspective that while the victims change depending on social and political trends and imperatives the end result for them is the same: marginalisation, suspicion, ostracisation and persecution...

 

Crappy note to leave 2006 on but let's hope things start turning in the right direction after midnight!

 

L&P

 

BD