jlp Report post Posted January 7, 2007 I'm 30 years old and have reverted to teenage stroppiness with my mam and I'm not even sure why really. She's a fantastic help and support and the only one who has the boys at all and something in me seems to be in revolt. Tonight she offered to help me walk the boys to school in the summer as I was bemoaning my recent weight gain and the fact that it's not possible to walk them there (25 min+ walk with busy roads and they both need lots of attention, no sense of danger, G feels free to shout at random pedestrians, etc). It's hard enough to get them from the car park in to school. So fair enough, a nice offer so why do I then refuse saying I need to feel as though I can do things for myself. And everyone else takes their own children to school (huge generalisation there I know). She also said how good G has been this weekend and I got stroppy again saying yes but that's not to assume everything is fine - just that I have given up on going out of the house (he's not too bad in the house) She's lovely and caring and helpful - as well as being the only relative on either side who actually does help so why do my hackles rise so easily at the minute? I'm wondering if it's because she's now given up work and we see her most days. But there's many the time when I'm grateful for the help. There's absolutely no pleasing me and I don't even understand what my own problem is so can't begin to explain it to anybody else. Well done for getting this far! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
reuby2 Report post Posted January 7, 2007 Don't be too hard on yourself, I think sometimes we need to feel capable to do things for ourselves and sometimes our parents (with all the best intentions in the world) make us feel 12 years old again and as if we need them to survive. I know how you feel, my own Mum gets my back up at the least little thing and I don't know why I get so defensive I just do !!!!! <'> <'> <'> <'> Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Brook Report post Posted January 7, 2007 I can really relate to this, dont know if I can put this into words properly but I'll try.. My mum is really good and does all she can to help, but sometimes if she's looked after my son for an hour and we get in, he starts shouting and running about, she'll then say "he didn't do that at all when you lot were out, he has been an angel for me" !!!! I once snapped and said "oh, well, it must be me then"..... I quickly backtracked on my comment because she is soooo good with my kids and I didn't mean to be horrible, I explained that when he is on a one to one in the house he finds it easier because he knows exactly 'where' she is (normally watching tv with him or playing a game with him), he doesn't have lots of people talking at the same time, he doesn't have people moving around in different rooms, there are not people going to the toilet, cooking the dinner, doing the washing.... etc.. etc... and he is able to relax and he has her undivided attention. She did say to me 'I didn't mean it like that'....I felt really bad after. I also have an older friend who is 'always' offering to come and help out, she said that she'd watch the boys while I had a bath or popped to the shop etc.. etc... but I have always got on the defensive and said 'oh no, it's alright, I do all that when hubby gets in'. Sometimes I think you just want a moan to people about how you feel, and not necessarily want them to help, you just want an ear.... and sometimes I take things the wrong way ie.. if I get an offer of help then I think that person must think that I cant cope..... ..... they cant win really... Did any of that make sense.. ........ Brook Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bagpuss Report post Posted January 7, 2007 Yup, I can be alittle like that with my mum too . She is the only family member to remotely show any interest in us or our children, yet I sometimes feel a sense of wanting to be left alone, and at times actively try and create some space between us. It's strange, like she can't win either way, if you know what I mean . She is fab with the kids, has gone to an Early Bird Plus session we couldn't make, babysits, has come and stayed overnight so DH and I could go to a hotel, but she will also make comments like "Ah, she's as good as gold, no bother for me". (re. our youngest dd 6 ASD)....makes me feel I'm inadequate, even though I know she doesn't think that. What she doesn't realise is that when she is with our dd she gives her undivided attention, as soon as she begins to show any signs of a meltdown she gives her a sweet (which once included an entire selection box in one evening) , and spends the whole time with her doing exactly what dd likes. There have also been times when I've made a comment about dd (ie, she is finding listening to conversation difficult) and my mum will reply "Yes, but that's because she's autistic"......and I know she means well, but I sometimes feel like replying " OMG, really......when did this happen?" Bless her though, I wouldn't be without her Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lynden Report post Posted January 8, 2007 yep, often! I could have written brooks post - my family will have Logan and he'll be good as gold and he'll play up when I come in. He does this, I recognise he does this, so I dont need it pointed out everytime I come in! My family are fab, and do help out a lot, but sometimes I think they think I make things up about Logans behaviour - but they forget the only have him at home, in his comfy space, they're never in a challenging situation with him. Lynne x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
carrieq Report post Posted January 8, 2007 Another snap here!!! Mum lives a long way away from us so she has ds for a week twice a year and always says how great he has been, no funny noises, major strops etc and although I am pleased I feel awful and think is it all down to me, which is stupid because he has official dx!! I think we just snap at those closest because it is a form of release and we know the person won't think any less of us or take it to heart!! IKWYM about driving to school to avoid random comments to passers by etc!!! Carrie Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Jill Report post Posted January 8, 2007 I think sometimes people say "oh he's been great for me" to make you feel better. Bear with me on this You see, they try to put themselves in our shoes a bit and maybe think we 1) feel guilty for leaving our children with someone and 2) worry about their behaviour for that person. So they say "oh, they've been so good, such a star" as they hope that will make you breathe a sigh of relief that everyone was happy and hopefully next time you do it you will go out and have a good time without worrying. Unfortunately, what we think is "OMG, stop rubbing it in, I'm sure he's so much better for you / you think you do a better job than me / you're judging my parenting abilities" And they are thinking "there, I've shown them that little Billy is no problem & I've enjoyed having him so they'll leave him with me again, cos it really was no trouble". All of which just goes to show that we all think too much Me? I get grumpy too cos I'm a control freak and NOBODY gets it right like I do Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
loulou Report post Posted January 8, 2007 Hi jlp, I snap at my mum too sometimes and i really don't know why. Sometimes she just annoys me, and i can't really think of anythiny valid she's actually done that's annoying . I feel really bad afterwards too. Especially when i come home from work and find a "fairy" has come round and done all the washing up and ironing . We all have to vent our frustrations somewhere. Maybe we need a "venting" thread on the forum so we can say it all to the computer . Loulou xx Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
