Anyone Got A Spare Shoulder?

[TheNeil]

Sorry people but I just need to moan as I think the things are starting to get bad again. Be warned, I will ramble big time.

 

I was at the hospital on Monday for my first follow-up appointment with the psychologist and his pretty assistant. They told me nothing useful at all (this is the man who did questiuon whether AS even exists)(the magic 'A' word as never even mentioned in Monday's session) and offered no advice except to stop worrying about things and to come up with a set of 'small talk responses'. I never thought of doing either of those things...not. I did get a relaxation CD but it just gives me headaches and seems to do no good whatsoever (I will stick with it though)(despite my brain going into hyperactive mode the moment the voice on he CD kicks in and the fact that I have no idea what I'm supposed to be feeling at any given time).

 

The big thing though was that I asked the assistant out and she said that she wasn't allowed to (although she was flattered)(apperently). I understand the 'rules' stuff but it deflated me a little (I was half-expecting it but it still hurt). The guidelines from the British Psychologists Society state that a psychologist should not have a relationship with a patient for two years following any treatment which screws my idea of being 'cured' and then 'discharged' (oo-er). This two year thing has really kicked me in the guts.

 

Sadly it's not the only thing that's upset me recently. The book I'd written about growing up with AS was rejected, I'm not going back to the charity shop ever again (the assistant manager had a temper tantrum and ended up throwing books and videos around - freaked me out...I don't need that stress), and the distinct lack of a new job is hacking me off - this is not being helped by the complete and utter <insert rude word here> that I'm being given to do at work. So far I've spent two days locked in the server room setting up a web server (a task that no-one seems to know how to do, has no interest in, and doesn't want to help me with), I have two laptops to setup and some icons to do (as the graphics department couldn't be bothered)(what do they get paid for then?). Once upon a time, long, long ago I was a programmer and I did something called 'coding'.

 

What the <insert VERY rude word here> am I doing these days? I'm stuck in a dead-end job with no prospects, I have no social life, no friends, no family (who care), I don't talk to anyone, the woman I really want to get to know better isn't allowed to because of stupid <insert VERY rude word here>ing red tape, I have nothing to look forward to, my finances are in a <insert VERY rude word here>ing mess following Mrs Ex-Neil's departure (the solicitor is certainly making sure that she gets her pound of flesh, my tiny car needs tax and MOTing), my attempts to do anything always turn to <insert rude word here>, I'm persona non grata at work (I still get ignored (even in the corridor) and the only time that I do get talked to is about re-installing this or setting up that - no-one ever asks if I'm OK or talks about anything un-work-related), I'm always exhausted, I have nothing that cheers me up, and I live in a virtual prison both physically and mentally. Why do I keep going on? What is the point of everything?

 

It's as though I'm trapped in a glass box through which I can see the world and all of the things in it but I can't interact with it or reach the things that I want. I'm depressed (again)(surely not) but the thoughts of suicide started to come back this morning (I wondered what taking a bath with an electric fire would be like) and not only is that worrying but I can't really think of a logical reason not to go and do it - I won't be leaving anyone behind, I won't leave a massive empty hole in people's lives, and there's nothing that I can do that someone else couldn't do.

 

The only advice that I've been given by the 'experts' is to pretend to be as normal as possible and say that everything is just 'fine' - basically, live a lie. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry but my brain won't let me. It's like a drill sergeant refusing to let me die and just keeps bellowing at me and dragging me back to my exhausted feet. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of trying really hard all the time to do my best, to fit in, to say and do the 'right' thing, to 'tolerate' everything and everyone around me when they couldn't give a <insert rude word here> about me, try to talk to or understand me (and I'm sick of not being able to talk to people or go out and meet new people). I want a break from being punished, being scared and anxious, and from being stuck in that glass box, isolated from everyone and everything.

 

I don't know what to do, where to turn, where to go or anything. Yes, I am sad.

[madme]

Cant offer any advice <'> <'> <'> . The fact that you are looking at this lady is a good sign- I know its a typical response but there are plenty more out there. AS for your book keep trying. Did you try JKP?

[BusyLizzie100]

I'm so sorry you're feeling so cr*p. It sounds to me like you need a referral to some proper help,but that's hard to find isn't it. You certainly don't need people telling you to just put up with things, go away and try to be normal. What you need is someone telling you that it's OK to have AS and give you strategies for coping with the world.

 

I don't know how to go about getting this; my experience is in trying to get something similar for my children and I don't know how it works for adults. You've probably thought about all of these already, but have you contacted support groups? Tried different support groups? Tried support groups out of your area? Contacted the NAS Helpline? - they have some great people working there who may be able to help you or even point you in the right direction to get some support. Asked your GP for a referral to someone more useful? It's not right that you should be dismissed like this.

 

Sorry to gabble a bit, I'm at work and under pressure but I couldn't read your post and not reply!

 

Lizzie <'>

[kirstie]

<'> TN,

I care, WE all care and we would most definatley miss you. You bring a heck of a lot to this forum and i for one think you are a very witty and intelligent person who i am proud to 'know'. I know it is small consolation to you right now and i totally empathise with your feelings even though i do not have AS.

The drill sarge is dragging you back to your feet for a reason, you want to be here and you want to be accepted and talked to and listened to and you ARE strong enough to keep getting back up again no matter how much you might feel you're not. It has been such a hard year for you but you have impressed me no end at how you have shown you can bounce back time and again. Things happen in life that are pretty *!?* but it will get better, please trust me.

I think the person in the charity shop does not seem to have very charitable nature and i would avoid the inappropriate outburst by avoiding the person/shop too. You are doing great but don't give up at the first hurdle with your book, i don't think it's easy to become a published author so keep on truckin' as they say! (no, don't ask me either i've never understood that little gem myself!) And as for the job front, don't give up on that either- keep trying and i hope that sometime soon your dream job will land on your lap and you'll be making us all jealous. It is out there but they haven't found you yet, again it will take time.

Other than that all i can say is we are all here to listen and talk and i'm so sorry you're feeling so bad. Said assistant SOOOOOOOOOO doesn't know what she's missing

Take care and keep on posting. <'> <'>

[kinky j]

hi TN

 

<'> <'> <'>

 

i'd definately miss you if you wern't around on here, i always make a bee-line for your posts as you have so much strengh of character and your sense of humour has me rolling round on the floor.

 

just out of interest, are you any good at computer games? it's just that my partner's suffering for an anxiety disorder (and i suspect AS) and has found that, while he doesn't cope too well talking to people in person at the mo, he can happily team up with groups on world of warcraft and use skype or teamspeak to comunicate with them, he's made loads of friends all over the world from doing this and it's helped him to stop feeling so isolated, so it may be an idea. (and on the plus side, you can switch it off when they're doing your head in, lol)

 

i know that warcraft is a bit pricey, but there are some free ones out there if you google online role play games

(runescape's free i think)

 

kj

[Bagpuss]

TN

 

Wish I had wise words to make it all better.... I for one think your fab. I know I don't know you as such, but your posts speak volumes, and I always feel better for reading them. Can relate to the uncaring family, ours are too (except mum). We've learnt to pretty much get by without them, other than the token xmas and birthday cards being sent/received. I think you were courageous asking the assistant out (sorry if that sounds patronizing), I'd never of had the guts to do that. You are taking positive steps forward since Mrs TN went. Please keep plugging away with the book, and don't give up. What about trying another shop.....it could be that you've just been unlucky and the next one could be staffed by lovely peeps. Have you considered going to the GP? You may need something more to help you move forward. I don't know how it feels to have Aspergers, and can only imagine how difficult every day things must be for you. Please hang in there, so looking forward to meeting you on Saturday. You take good care of yourself and see you soon and we can have a proper chat...........mind you, DH took DS to see the Boro game last night, so no doubt that will be discussed at great length

[bikergal]

Oh TN, I've got 2 spare shoulders. Didn't realise things were looking that bleak for you. Don't give in to that 'get out' clause...I was there this morning unfortunately.

 

On the publishing front, I think you're going to have to develop a thick skin. A friend of mine is a semi professional writer and has stopped writing atm, not completely. He's taken to writing and recording his own songs and releasing his own cd's just for pleasure. I guess at some later date when finances are looking better, could you not look into self publishing?

 

Feel free to pm me anytime...you've got an awful lot of hurt and rejection to deal with but liking another woman is a good sign...and there are many more out there. I know that doesn't help when you can't seem to find one...but it will happen again...no doubt about it.

 

Have some of these <'> <'> <'> and take care

[pingu]

Hi TN

 

We would all miss you if you wern't around <'> . Please dont give up on your book. Im sure that many people would find the book very helpful and even though you have been rejected at this time, you mustnt give up on it.

 

I have no other advice about how you are feeling, but please be assured we are ALL here for you and although its "Virtual" friendship, i have come to realise that some of my "closest friends" are right here on this site.

 

Please take care of yourself.

 

<'> <'>

shaz x

[Frangipani]

<'> Edited January 24, 2007 by Frangipani

[Kathryn]

The Neil,

 

Can't think of anything comforting to say that doesn't sound like a platitude. You're in a dip at the moment, I really hope something happens this week to to encourage you and make life look a bit more hopeful.

 

<'> <'>

 

K x

[TheNeil]

Thanks people - I'm sorry for doing my complaining in public.

 

The book being rejected was annoying but as it had taken the publishers (JKP) over a month to even acknowledge that I'd even sent anything, I'd already taken the wise precaution of sourcing some 'alternatives'.

 

It's the trainee psych that's got to me more. I'd made sure I looked my dashing best (even braved after-shave rather than balm stuff...AARRGGHH), had been making eye contact with her (and holding it)(and not in a psycho way), and even had her laughing at my insane view on the view. I honestly think that if she hadn't been constrained by rules and regulations, she might actually have said 'yes'. If she'd said 'no' then I could have handled that but it's the fact that there's some 'catch all' rule in place that's scuppered my evil plans and made me miserable.

 

Thing is, I really liked her. I know there are plenty more fish in the sea and all that, but I don't, generally, even get to talk to people, never mind have time to weigh them up, work out whether they get 'the Neil way' etc. I rarely meet anyone I can even tolerate, never mind like. Everyone I meet at work either ignores me, or is dull, brain dead or pig ignorant (I'm not pulling my punches - they're all awful and have been since day one). Outside of work...I don't meet anyone else.

 

The work thing is, as ever, just killing me. Aside from my boss telling me to re-install machiens, no-one has said a word to me all day. The <insert rude word here>s in the department even had a discussion about running at lunchtime and not one of them thought to include me (despite the fact that I'm the only person in the department who actually goes running)(and they all know that). This is not an isolated case as you probably know and I do get ignored, excluded and made to feel about as welcome as typhoid. It's fine the crusty old psychologist telling me to 'act normal' as a way to 'fit in' but I don't even get a chance to do that. As I type this one of them has just come back from the staff canteen with a lollipop for everyone...except me.

 

The fact that they laugh, joke and chat amongst themselves, but seem to almost actively go out of their way to do this (and exclude me) just makes every sound, noise and word feel like a bullet to the head. Am I weird? I crave human contact but I seem to hate everyone I have to deal with?

 

Maybe I'm just tetchy at the moment (it has only been about 16 years), maybe I'm just in a low mood but I'm just fed up with everything. Maybe I'll go to the GPs (the doctors that is, not the small furry eating machines)(they're generally not very good at depression)(green beans yes, but not depression) and see what she can suggest. I really don't think the psychologist is going to be any help at all given his current 'suggestions' (or 'insults to intelligence' as I like to think of them) - maybe I'll hit him with thoughts of suicide and see what he makes of that (probably suggest that I try to cheer myself up...and everything will be fine).

 

Oh well, just got to get through the next 35 minutes and then I can go home and don't have to come back until Friday (job interview tomorrow (for a job I don't want - why am I going then? Practice) so 'working at home') and then it's off to Newcastle for the NE-ASD meet-up on Saturday. If my mood hasn't improved by then, I'll wear a Boro shirt and hope that I get beaten to death.

[reuby2]

Hi Neil,

Just a thought but I had read that one of the new techniques within pyschiatry was to pretend, so if feeling self consious and lacking confidence, just "pretend" you feel confident and "step into" that feeling. From this angle, i don't think it is a case of ignoring or denying our feelings but more of a active technique to use. When I was working , before i had my son, I had a real problem sitting with people at dinnertime, in the canteen. I would sit on my own in the locker room and eat my sarnies because i felt so self consious and awkward sitting with people. I couldn't eat in front of people and when i had to walk through the canteen to get downstairs to work, I dreaded it,I thought people were laughing at the way I walked or held myself etc etc etc. People thought i was odd because I wouldn't sit in the canteen with them.

Anyway I finally got over it by pretending to be okay with it, and gradually i built my confidence up and ended up being someone whom people liked.But I think my attitude (self consiousness) was giving off bad vibes to people and they thought that i was stuck up or didn't want to be with them and so they had let me "get on with it" and didn't "bother" me. Take the oppurtunity to take part in a conversation when someone is talking about something you know about, like the running. You may be suprised if you make the effort sometimes to talk or smile, how people react. I really hope everything gets a bit better <'>

Maybe you felt this way about this lady because it was someone who you could talk with and open up to. Who knows there could be someone at work or on the bus etc who you could feel the same way about if you could connect with a smile or a word. <'> <'>

Edited January 17, 2007 by reuby2

[phoebe]

TN - sorry I have nothing to say that hasn't already been said. I, too, always look out for your posts and enjoy reading them.

 

I just wanted to send you some <'> <'> <'> and all my best wishes. I hope you will get some good news soon.

 

Post as much soul searching stuff as you feel you need to - we are your friends and will always try to help.

 

Love and hugs Phoebe

[Suze]

really sorry I can,t get to the meet up on saturday,but surely that will brighten your spirits a little?,if you feel like you need to meet someone , have you tried any of the inter-net dating sites?...........my newly divorced friend is very shy but has made some friends on one.Please don,t feel so down <'> Suzex

[badonkadonk]

<'> <'> <'>

 

Only just read this, not been around much at the minute cos I'm poorly.

 

You know what I would normally say in situations like this now so I'm not gonna bother this time, my eternal optimism can be too much at times.

 

The only thing I can say I guess is to reinforce how much you don't want to kill yourself. The most obvious reason being you'd have done it already and you certainly wouldn't be telling someone about it. This doesn't mean that you stop posting and go jump off a bridge either so forget that rubbish. You know how suicides work, it just happens and nobody is even aware that anything is up. You're not that person TN, you are smart enough to ask for help and your smart enough to know deep down that suicide really isn't the answer.

 

The other thing I wanted to mention has to do with the lady that you like, but it's possibly going to make things worse so I think I'll leave it a couple of days and update then when hopefully you might feel a bit brighter.

 

In regards to the book, unless you are doing it for the money (which I assume is not the driving force) then what about publishing online or starting a blog and posting chapters once a month? It might not reach as wide an audience but at least people would still get to read it then. You could drop an email to the NAS or something like that and ask them if they would link to your site. Also the NAS do a monthly AS magazine so you could get in touch with them and see if they would like to publicise your website/print extracts or something similar. (one of my new years resolutions is to update my blog more often, so far no updates I'm hoping I get an interesting enough life to write about soon!!)

 

Keep going with the running, reconsider the gym (only reconsider, I'm not making you go), keep going with the job thing and try to remember that getting a new job is 1. NEVER easy and 2. a long process. Think about joining a dating agency or doing it online if you wanna get out there and meet new peeps. Millions of people are doing this so why shouldn't you? Yes it's stressful and yes it's lots of social situations and expenses incurred by all the dinner dates but that's how you get to know these neurotypicals ya see

 

Ok I know I said I would keep the woman thing till later but I'm thinking this way you can read it, call me a loser and think I'm wrong and move on so here goes. The thing is, there are lots of places where no dating is allowed. When me and Bob worked at Blockbusters together there was a no dating rule but when it comes down to it, if you really want to get together you find a way. In this lady's case it is probably something like the following...you've only met her a couple of times and she has probably been only viewing you as a 'patient' way so you asking her out probably hit her with a curveball (or whatever the bloomin heck they say). Also as she said no because of work restrictions it could be because of this or because at this time she values her job over the risk she would be taking by going out with you. Therefore it is probably logical to conclude that she may not be the one to go with right now. I know it seems like she is and you want her to be but also try and remember that you're an Aspie and we get obsessed with things. Opposite sex included. As it stands there is little chance of anything coming about of this situation because of the circumstances involved so, as much as you don't want to, you gotta shift your focus to somewhere else.

 

I know I'm going into my usual spiel but honestly, just try to remember that it's only the 17th January. Nothing happens overnight. Give yourself a break and don't expect to feel absolutely brilliant all of the time. You have enough negatives to overcome without the adding bonus of you beating yourself up about everything *wags finger*

 

I do feel extra sad now that I'm not meeting everyone this weekend cos I would at least have had chance to drone on at you a bit more and make sure you're not gonna jump in front of a train

 

I hope you have a good weekend and feel a bit happier!

 

Emily

xxx

[av16]

Hi TN

Sorry ou're feeling down. I would miss your posts and I know for certain your piggies would miss you. The internet dating might be interesting,you've got the weekend to look forward to - who knows what might be around the corner?

 

Best wishes

AV

[brooke]

Really sorry your down. You should try the drs. Dont know if it would help you but they would sign you off sick and you could just get some rest. But saying that at least your getting out at the mo even if it is just to go to work. Sorry i dont have any good advice. Hope you still come on sat

Brooke

[aro]

TN, sounds like this is a tough time for you (understatement I know!) I'm sure you know that the glass box/bubble is classic depression and I think you're right to go see the GP( non furry variety), might need something more helpful than your psych.

 

As for ending it don't you DARE, who else is going to say things like this;

 

If my mood hasn't improved by then, I'll wear a Boro shirt and hope that I get beaten to death.

 

 

Does the pretty assistant have a sister she could introduce you too? Not much can be said about that problem I'm afraid

 

Hope you have a great time at the meet-up, good luck with the interview for the job you don't want

 

Anna x

[TheNeil]

Does the pretty assistant have a sister she could introduce you too?

 

I have wondered that, although I'm sure that asking someone if they have an exact double might not be the best way to make friends and influence people.

 

I have made an appointment to see the doctor but, being the NHS, I can't get in until next Tuesday (as in nearly a week away). I don't know what he can suggest (it should have been she but if I want to wait for my actual GP then it would be an even longer wait) as I'm wary of pills, I don't really want to get signed off work (being locked up in these four walls may get me even worse) etc. I need him to give me some suggestions and alternatives. I suppose that is what he's there for.

 

I have made the effort though and have submitted The Greatest Story Ever Told to another publisher, but I won't go holding my breath. I'm wary of posting it on my blog as it gets more than enough in the way of rubbish posted as it is. Eventually I'll become desperate enough to resort to such tactics but for now I still harbour dreams of becoming filthy rich, buying the company I work for, and then sacking everyone and refuse to give them a good reference.

 

And Emily, you're probably spot on. I can't for a second though imagine that, as an Aspie, I'd obsess over anything(?) and just because I can't get this woman out of my head does not mean that I have some sort of fixation with her (it's just that I'm sure that it's because of her that the stars appear at night, the flowers blossom in the spring, and the birds sing in the morning). Who knows, maybe she might change her mind but I'm holding out zero hope. After I give her boss both barrels about AS (and how useless he is with his 'Dickensian ways') then it'll probably all be academic anyway.

 

I might give internet dating a try but now is probably not the right time (if anyone does know of any 'prefered sites' then...).

 

I'm still mopey but I'll pick myself up eventually and, at the very least, Saturday will be an adventure (an adventure that may cost me my life and eternal soul, but an adventure none the less). Sorry Brooke but I will be dragging my sorry self up to Newcastle on Saturday.

[cmuir]

Hi

 

You know what? ... Good on you for plucking up the courage to ask the assistant out. You said it yourself, that you think she may have accepted had she not be constrained by rules. What's for you, won't go against you and all that!

 

The other thing is that I read two of the Jackson books, one by Luke and the other by his mother. Hope I don't get shot down in flames for saying this, but I've never read such utter s**t. I actually felt quite angry after forking out 20 odd quid that I felt that i'd been cheated out of cash somehow. I really think that those two have really cashed in on Luke having AS big time. The books lacked substance and told me absolutely nothing at a time when I was desperate for answers (the benefit of their experience) in seeking a diagnosis for my son. Enough of that ramble ... Point I'm making is that from what I've read from your posts, I'd buy your book. I work as a Graphic Designer in a Publications Department - might feel compelled to ask the boss a few questions about getting books published. I'd typeset it for you once I get my damn powerbook repaired ye olde faithful imac!? Don't give up. We all feel down at times. When I run out of steam, I really feel like the world's against me. Somehow, I get through it - just like you!

 

Best wishes

 

Caroline.

[Flora]

Hi TN

 

I'm not going to give you platitudes either (great word Katherine ) but you know, ###### January does have this affect on folk. The nights are getting lighter (albeit inperceptably but they ARE), the days are getting longer, soon it will be spring and then summer and a bit of sunshine will lighten things for all of us.... THEN we can start moaning because it's too hot

 

Hope that doesn't sound flippant.....

 

Sending a bit of cheer your way...

 

Flo'

[badonkadonk]

And Emily, you're probably spot on. I can't for a second though imagine that, as an Aspie, I'd obsess over anything(?) and just because I can't get this woman out of my head does not mean that I have some sort of fixation with her (it's just that I'm sure that it's because of her that the stars appear at night, the flowers blossom in the spring, and the birds sing in the morning). Who knows, maybe she might change her mind but I'm holding out zero hope. After I give her boss both barrels about AS (and how useless he is with his 'Dickensian ways') then it'll probably all be academic anyway.

 

I might give internet dating a try but now is probably not the right time (if anyone does know of any 'prefered sites' then...).

 

I wasn't suggesting you were about to start stalking the woman and covering your walls with photographs of her TN It's just that sometimes we can get a little obsessed with thinking about one thing in particular, was what I meant. I'm sure everyone does it, not just Aspies, but I think that given our thing for obsessions were probably a little more likely too. By thinking of someone all the time we instantly put them on a pedastool and turn them into a different person to what they really are. At times when we are equally feeling down about other things it is easy to channel all this stuff onto one person so that they become the answer to all our problems. "If they would just say yes, my life would be different." Sure, your life would be different but the other problems you're having wouldn't go away. What I'm trying to say is that thing that neurotypicals say about the eggs and putting them all in one basket except for I get confused cos I don't own a basket and I'm not sure how many eggs I have!!

 

I know you already know what I'm telling you, I know it's probably why you're getting grumpy with me because I'm telling you what you know I'm gonna tell you and no one is waving a magic wand and giving you the magic answer everyone wishes for.

 

To be totally cheesy, you have the magic wand TN. There's never a right time to do a lot of things, but for joining dating agencies and the like right now must be the best time of year. People who have come out of relationships last year, like yourself, are going to be looking to 'turn over a new leaf' and so will be taking the plunge and signing on up. It's like the gym at this time of year, absolutely heaving with people who in 3 months time will have stopped going and still paying because they feel guilty about quitting so soon and keep promising to go back next weekend.

 

I watched a film the other night where John Cusack hooked up with Diane Lane through internet dating, Match.com to be exact. I think Match.com runs in the UK too so if it's cool enough for Cusack....

 

Emily

xxx

[dooday24]

sorry got no words of wisdom but hang in there i would also miss yr posts and yr sense of humour. sending u loads of these <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> love donnax

[elun1]

Hi just wanted to send you some <'> <'> <'> and wondered how you are feeling. I always read your posts and you've had me laughing out loud sometimes and that is not easy to do these days, believe me!

Elun xxx

[TheNeil]

I know you already know what I'm telling you, I know it's probably why you're getting grumpy with me because I'm telling you what you know I'm gonna tell you and no one is waving a magic wand and giving you the magic answer everyone wishes for.

 

I'm not grumpy with you BD - you say it like it is and I appreciate it. You and I both know that magic wands don't exist and that when you're down, the only person who can pick you back up is you. Sometimes it becomes so damn hard though (especially when the lack of appreciation, understanding and even common decency is relentless, day after day).

 

Today has been a better day but it's because I haven't been to work ('working at home') and there will be undiscovered tribes in the Amazon who know that it's the <insert VERY rude word here>s at work who send me to the edge of despair. This dawned on me as I was driving to sunny H'gate (it was sunny actually), The Shamen was blasting out of the stereo and I felt almost care free...then work crossed my mind and the sky went black (literally)(if I believed in God then I would take this as a sign), I felt wrecked, the anger and despair took over and I came crashing straight back down (metaphorically - I didn't actually crash).

 

I did go to the interview for the job I didn't want and it actually did me a lot of good as the MD of the company announced, after 5 minutes, that he liked me. It's not much but this guy didn't know me from a hole in the head, and I obviously managed to appear 'normal' enough to impress a complete stranger. It's just such a <insert rude word here> that, normally, the only people I have contact with make me feel about as welcome, wanted and appreciated as Adolf Hitler at a Bah Mitzvah.

 

I'll still go to the doctors on Tuesday and see what he can do, and I'll no doubt have to fight really hard to make it through tomorrow (Friday) but I'll make sure that I take a couple of kick ass CDs with me and just shut the world out.

 

I've also decided to reveal my 'dark secret' (oo-er)(no, not that Emily) and inform Mr Useless-Psychologist that I'm 100% dx'd AS and that a lot of things he's suggested simply don't work, can't work or won't work in the way that he expects them to. If he wants to argue the point, he can go right ahead. I'll flirt with the trainee and who knows, maybe she might have a rush of foolish emotion, throw caution to the wind and demand that I ravage her (possibly there and then - I'm not fussy).

[reuby2]

Hang in there dude! <'>

Tomorrow is another day. <'>

[something vague]

How on earth did i miss this thread? TN I'm so sorry that you're not feeling as happy as you could.

 

I'm really looking forward to meeting you on saturday. I LOVE your sense of humour. You have come out with some fantastic one liners in your time on here.

 

Can you remember way back when I was talking about my husband's pockets being full of junk - elastic bands, door wedge, toy soldier. marbles......... and you said that maybe you just didnt have OLD MAN TARDIS TROUSERS yet That really floored me (and my husband when I showed him).

 

I'd love to read your book. On Saturday I'm gonna look out for a guy with spiky hair and a copy of The Greatest Story ever Told. Oh go on, post us a page of it on the forum. I'm really curious now!

 

Did you get the job? I wouldnt worry too much about acting 'normal'. I hope you dont try and act 'normal' for us on saturday.........just be yourself..........please .

 

Take care

 

SV

 

Sorry I'm not good at giving advice on real problems, i just skirt around them Sending good wishes anyway

[TheNeil]

How on earth did i miss this thread? TN I'm so sorry that you're not feeling as happy as you could.

 

I'm really looking forward to meeting you on saturday. I LOVE your sense of humour. You have come out with some fantastic one liners in your time on here.

 

Can you remember way back when I was talking about my husband's pockets being full of junk - elastic bands, door wedge, toy soldier. marbles......... and you said that maybe you just didnt have OLD MAN TARDIS TROUSERS yet That really floored me (and my husband when I showed him).

 

I'd love to read your book. On Saturday I'm gonna look out for a guy with spiky hair and a copy of The Greatest Story ever Told. Oh go on, post us a page of it on the forum. I'm really curious now!

 

Did you get the job? I wouldnt worry too much about acting 'normal'. I hope you dont try and act 'normal' for us on saturday.........just be yourself..........please .

 

Take care

 

SV

 

Sorry I'm not good at giving advice on real problems, i just skirt around them Sending good wishes anyway

 

I don't remember 'Old man TARDIS trousers' but it sounds like the sort of twaddle that would pop into my head so I probably did (the insanity comes from the bit of my brain that I seemingly have no control over - just reading that trouser description had me sniggering away).

 

The Greatest Story Ever Told is currently off with another publisher at the moment but I might post a page or two online some time in the future to whet appetites. 90,000 words of pure gibberish and I don't even remember writing half of it.

 

I don't know whether I got the job or not but, more importantly, I don't know if I actually want the job - it's kind of a step backwards career wise for me (even if the MD was a very nice man). I'll have to see what the job agency have to say and then weigh everything up.

 

My 'normal' act has a time of about 30 minutes (assuming that I'm not having to talk very much) so Saturday will, sadly, see 'proper' me in some form or another (just prey I don't go 'defcon 1' or Newcastle will have to be declared a no-go zone).

 

I feel a bit brighter at the moment (tired but brighter) but what tomorrow brings though is another matter (I've been at home today but tomorrow it's back to the work house).

[JJ's mum]

Hope things are looking brighter today for you. I just wanted to say, I love your website, its great. I also love Macs. Ive got an imac G5 and it is the best. I also own 3 other recent computers all with Xp pro and Mac is far more stable ( though Microsoft products do tend to let good computers down).

 

Hope all goes well for you <'>

[TheNeil]

Ive got an imac G5

 

Cue instant jealousy

[anita81]

check out http://www.myspace.com/

i cant make friends in the real world so i go onto this site.i check out peoples profiles and if i like the sound of them i send them a message.you can meet people from your area or are in the same situation.im never off it!so far i have 17 friends on it!in the real world i have none .its a real buzz to log on and find a message from someone who wants to talk to you.

[bikergal]

I'm a bit like you Anita, I have a page on yahoo 360 degrees, which I think is similar to myspace. I have friends from all over the world and some closer to home...I have 11 friends now and you can't drag me away from it! It is rather addictive. But it stops me from feeling so alone and isolated.

 

P.S. Love your avvy, wish I could do that, but then people would think I really have lost the plot

Edited January 22, 2007 by bikergal

[Deblegs]

Sorry people but I just need to moan as I think the things are starting to get bad again. Be warned, I will ramble big time.

 

I was at the hospital on Monday for my first follow-up appointment with the psychologist and his pretty assistant. They told me nothing useful at all (this is the man who did questiuon whether AS even exists)(the magic 'A' word as never even mentioned in Monday's session) and offered no advice except to stop worrying about things and to come up with a set of 'small talk responses'. I never thought of doing either of those things...not. I did get a relaxation CD but it just gives me headaches and seems to do no good whatsoever (I will stick with it though)(despite my brain going into hyperactive mode the moment the voice on he CD kicks in and the fact that I have no idea what I'm supposed to be feeling at any given time).

 

The big thing though was that I asked the assistant out and she said that she wasn't allowed to (although she was flattered)(apperently). I understand the 'rules' stuff but it deflated me a little (I was half-expecting it but it still hurt). The guidelines from the British Psychologists Society state that a psychologist should not have a relationship with a patient for two years following any treatment which screws my idea of being 'cured' and then 'discharged' (oo-er). This two year thing has really kicked me in the guts.

 

Sadly it's not the only thing that's upset me recently. The book I'd written about growing up with AS was rejected, I'm not going back to the charity shop ever again (the assistant manager had a temper tantrum and ended up throwing books and videos around - freaked me out...I don't need that stress), and the distinct lack of a new job is hacking me off - this is not being helped by the complete and utter <insert rude word here> that I'm being given to do at work. So far I've spent two days locked in the server room setting up a web server (a task that no-one seems to know how to do, has no interest in, and doesn't want to help me with), I have two laptops to setup and some icons to do (as the graphics department couldn't be bothered)(what do they get paid for then?). Once upon a time, long, long ago I was a programmer and I did something called 'coding'.

 

What the <insert VERY rude word here> am I doing these days? I'm stuck in a dead-end job with no prospects, I have no social life, no friends, no family (who care), I don't talk to anyone, the woman I really want to get to know better isn't allowed to because of stupid <insert VERY rude word here>ing red tape, I have nothing to look forward to, my finances are in a <insert VERY rude word here>ing mess following Mrs Ex-Neil's departure (the solicitor is certainly making sure that she gets her pound of flesh, my tiny car needs tax and MOTing), my attempts to do anything always turn to <insert rude word here>, I'm persona non grata at work (I still get ignored (even in the corridor) and the only time that I do get talked to is about re-installing this or setting up that - no-one ever asks if I'm OK or talks about anything un-work-related), I'm always exhausted, I have nothing that cheers me up, and I live in a virtual prison both physically and mentally. Why do I keep going on? What is the point of everything?

 

It's as though I'm trapped in a glass box through which I can see the world and all of the things in it but I can't interact with it or reach the things that I want. I'm depressed (again)(surely not) but the thoughts of suicide started to come back this morning (I wondered what taking a bath with an electric fire would be like) and not only is that worrying but I can't really think of a logical reason not to go and do it - I won't be leaving anyone behind, I won't leave a massive empty hole in people's lives, and there's nothing that I can do that someone else couldn't do.

 

The only advice that I've been given by the 'experts' is to pretend to be as normal as possible and say that everything is just 'fine' - basically, live a lie. I just want to curl up in a ball and cry but my brain won't let me. It's like a drill sergeant refusing to let me die and just keeps bellowing at me and dragging me back to my exhausted feet. I'm sick of it. I'm sick of trying really hard all the time to do my best, to fit in, to say and do the 'right' thing, to 'tolerate' everything and everyone around me when they couldn't give a <insert rude word here> about me, try to talk to or understand me (and I'm sick of not being able to talk to people or go out and meet new people). I want a break from being punished, being scared and anxious, and from being stuck in that glass box, isolated from everyone and everything.

 

I don't know what to do, where to turn, where to go or anything. Yes, I am sad.

 

 

I am really sorry that you are having a rough time. I was given a document called You Are Special. the words have been a real healing to me when I have been emotionally abused. I would lime to share them with you.

 

You Are Special

 

In all the world there is nobody like you. Since the beginning of time there has never been another person like you. Nobody has your smile, your eyes, your hands, your hair. Nobody owns your handwriting, your voice. You?re special.

 

Nobody can paint your brush strokes. Nobody has your taste for food, or music, or dance, or art. Nobody in the universe sees things as you do. In all time there never has been anyone who laughs in exactly your way, and what makes you laugh or cry, or think may have a totally different response in another.

So ?.. you?re special !

 

You?re different from any other person who has ever lived in the history of the universe. You are the only one in the whole creation who has your particular set of abilities. There is always someone who is better at one thing or another. Every person is my superior in at least some way. Nobody in the universe can reach the quality of the combination of your talents, your feelings. Like a roomful of musical instruments some might excel in one way or another, but nobody can match the symphonic sound when all are played together. Your symphony

 

Through all eternity no one will ever walk, talk, think, or do exactly like you. You?re special

You are rare and in all rarity there is enormous value and because of your great value, the need for you to imitate anyone else is absolutely wrong. You are special and it is no accident you are. Please realise that God made you for a special purpose. He has a job for you to do that nobody else can do as well as you can. Out of billions of applications only one is qualified. Only one has the unique and right combination of what it takes and that one is you. You are special

 

From Debbie Hudson

[TheNeil]

OK I grabbed myself by the scruff of the neck this morning and went off to see the GP. Unlike so called 'expert' this guy at least acknowledged that AS exists and did ask if this was what had gotten me depressed (it wasn't by the way)(well not directly).

 

Actually he was very receptive, listened to what I had to say, said that I'd done very well to go and see him, and that he'd put me on pills (boo). He was not best pleased with the so called 'expert' either. While I'm filling out a psychology form (standard stuff - 'have you ever felt worthless in the past two weeks?' etc. etc. etc.) he gets out his big pad of sick notes and signs me off for two weeks. I think the fact that I recognised that work is what gets me upset and was actually doing something about it (or trying to anyway)(no news yet by the way) showed that I was genuine - I always feel guilty about these things.

 

I have to go back next week so that he can see how I'm doing. Hopefully I'll have sorted myself out by then, got that new job and handed my resignation in (which will solve about 99% of my problems).

 

To aide my recovery I then went cake bvuying. And relax...

[badonkadonk]

Good news dude.

 

Well, at least you don't have to go to work for two weeks.

 

Angel Delight or Chedders are my weapon of choice after a visit to the doctor/hospital. If I've had a really bad visit then it will be McDonalds Chocolate Milkshake. Yummeeeeee!

 

Just don't put extra pressure on yourself to get a job in these two weeks or else you'll end up having a miserable stressful time and will feel even worse about going back to work if nothing else comes up.

 

Are you looking for jobs through the disability advisors at the Job Centre or did you just go through the normal channels? It might be worth a think if you didn't see the disability advisor because they might be able to help find you a more AS-friendly employer. Don't expect miracles though because my DA didn't even know what Aspergers is, but that's not to say it's the same everywhere else

 

While it is going to be useful to use these two weeks to look for a job you should also use them to look after you. I know you took some holiday just after Christmas and you might have done some of this stuff then but it doesn't hurt to look after yourself all over again. Do all the little jobs in your living environment that you've been putting off. Anything need fixing? Sprucing up? All these little niggles can actually have quite a big impact in how we feel when we're in our houses even though we may not notice that they are bothering us. By eliminating some things that could stress you out, even just a little bit, you're chipping away at things a bit more. (I know for a fact that when I have a list of jobs to do my head gets buried and I can't seem to cope/find a resolution. It's only when I realise that in the time I spend beating myself up about not doing something I could have done that something and more, that I get the jobs done!)

 

Do some things that you enjoy, rent some films, go for walks, run lots....I dunno what you do (wear your dresses around the house and give yourself a break from pretending not to be a girl for a bit )

 

Hope you feel a little bit better after these couple of weeks (also prime time to research some online dating sites, eh?!). What pills has the doctor prescribed, just out of interest?

 

Emily

xxx

[oxgirl]

Hopefully I'll have sorted myself out by then, got that new job and handed my resignation in (which will solve about 99% of my problems).

 

To aide my recovery I then went cake bvuying. And relax...

 

 

Good luck TN, hope you feel better really soon. What kind of cakes did you get? How's the running/running club going?

 

Take care. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[aro]

That's sounding like things are more positive. Useful to have a good GP Hope the meds help and you get the job you didn't want etc ( )

 

Funny, I find cake cures everything too (well, not the waist line problem, but hey ho! )

 

Anna x

[nellie]

Neil,

 

Well done you and well done your GP. As always Emily has given you good advice. It's a shame she's spoken for. Hope you manage to recharge the batteries during your time off.

 

Did the GP give you a prescription for the cakes?

 

Take care

 

Nellie <'>

[Canopus]

I'm persona non grata at work (I still get ignored (even in the corridor) and the only time that I do get talked to is about re-installing this or setting up that - no-one ever asks if I'm OK or talks about anything un-work-related), I'm always exhausted, I have nothing that cheers me up, and I live in a virtual prison both physically and mentally.

 

It really gets on my nerves when people give me the cold shoulder like this. If they don't want me around then I would prefer it if they firmly but politely told me to go elsewhere. I have experienced this situation many times before so I know how you feel.

 

Hopefully I'll have sorted myself out by then, got that new job and handed my resignation in (which will solve about 99% of my problems).

 

Don't bother handing in your resignation. Just walk out without telling them and if anyone asks, tell them that you left because you felt you were no longer wanted.

[Bagpuss]

Really pleased to hear the visit to GP went well TN, I've found the AD's have helped, plus the counselling. Think the time off work will help clear your head abit, and give you some space. Your taking really positive steps, and if ever the cakes get abit too much, let me know.......(she says munching on a choccy cornflake cake bought for kiddies )