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tinystar

Husband is Autistic

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Hello

 

After being married to my husband for nearly four years I just discovered last week that he is on the autistic spectrum. I have wondered many times over the years if he was autistic, as a lot of his behaviour is slightly odd, and things that he does/the way he is sometimes just doesnt make sense to me or the people around me. We have been through some difficult patches, the most recent was over christmas and new year, when we were basically on the verge of going our separate ways.

 

I love him, and I want it to work out, but there are elements of him that I find very hard to deal with. He becomes obsessed with things, in particular different other women. He says the obsession always passes, but he doesnt just admire them from a distance, he texts/emails them. If he is in a bar and meets someone he likes he will swap numbers with them and then keep in touch with them. He says he likes to feel wanted. It just hurts me every time it happens. When I explain to him how it makes me feel it is like talking to a blank wall. He doesnt seem to realise that his behaviour has repurcussions.

 

When I try to discuss anything vaguely serious/emotional with him he stares straight ahead and hardly responds. He will sometimes be very blunt with me, for example, over christmas he told me that he didnt love me, and that he didnt find me sexually attractive. Yet he is very often initiating sex with me. We have a seven month old baby, and he started a new job in the last few months. I think he has been finding it all quite a lot to deal with.

 

I asked him last week if he thought he might be autistic, and he was completely unfased by the question. He said he definitely is on the spectrum and that when he was at school he had a special teacher to help him to learn to understand facial expressions and things. He says he used to find it very hard if not impossible to talk to people, whereas now he is the other extreme. If we are out, even in a group, he will always go out of the group to talk to other people, and will talk to anyone regardless of age/gender etc.

 

We are at the moment trying to make things work, just seeing how we go. I basically feel that if there is one more episode with another woman I won't be able to handle it, and we will have to split up. He is talking about having another baby. It is as though he doesnt realise that the things he does affect me long term. He thinks I should just get over it as though it is nothing and move on immediately. I have serious trust issues with him, and it does come across as though he is being 'naughty' on purpose.

 

I would love to hear from other partners of people on the autistic spectrum, as I am not sure whether the elements of his behaviour that I have mentioned are aspects of autism or not. I also would like to hear how other people deal with getting on emotionally and so on. I think that I would feel supported if I knew that I was not alone in this.

 

Thanks for reading.

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Hi welcome to the forum.Sorry you are in this difficult situation.I know there are people on the forum who have partners on the Autistic Spectrum so you are not alone.The crew here a very supportive group.Regards Karen.

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Hi and welcome to the forum tinystar, :)

 

My husband is 56 this year and was diagnosed Asperger Syndrome three years ago. We have two sons both on the autistic spectrum. We celebrate our 30th anniversary this year and joke that the only reason we never divorced is we never had time!!

 

We realised my husband was AS after my eldest was diagnosed at 19, my husband needed the diagnosies to move on. Life has improved greatly, we respect each others differences and try to accept other for what we are. I won't pretend it's all been rosy, but knowing why has made it easier. Being married to the nicest person I ever met has helped! :wub:

 

Feel free to PM me if you think it will help. The following resources might be useful.

 

Nellie xx

 

 

WEBSITES

 

OAASIS Information Sheet - Information for the Partners of someone with AS

http://www.oaasis.co.uk/images/Information...tners_03-06.pdf

 

Tony Attwood - Workshop for Partners of People with Asperger?s Syndrome

http://www.autism.org.uk/content/1/c4/36/18/attwood2.pdf

 

Maxine Aston?s website

http://www.maxineaston.co.uk/

 

Gisela & Christopher Slater-Walker?s Website

http://www.asperger-marriage.info/

 

ASPIRES - Asperger Syndrome Partners & Individuals Resources Encouragement & Support

http://www.aspires-relationships.com/

 

BOOKS

 

Loving Mr Spock by Barbara Jacobs

 

Aspergers in Love: Couple Relationships and Family Affairs by Maxine Aston

 

The Other Half of Asperger Syndrome by Maxine Aston

 

An Asperger Marriage by Gisela & Christopher Slater- Walker

 

Asperger Syndrome and Long-Term Relationships by Ashley Stanford

 

Asperger Syndrome in the Family by Liane Holliday Willey

 

The Asperger Love Guide A Practical Guide for Adults with Asperger's Syndrome to Seeking, Establishing and Maintaining Successful Relationships by Genevieve Edmonds and Dean Worton

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>:D<<'> Hi Tinystar and welcome,

I'm really sorry you're having such a tough time of it. My husband isn't on the spectrum but i just wanted to say that my son with AS (is only 7 mind you...) gets very obsessed with girls and always has. In Nursery he would follow one particular girl around and it had to be addressed as he was trying to kiss her and it was getting a bit much. Now that he's in School he has another girl in his language class and various in the mainstream class. In his language class the speech therapist had to devise a social story telling him he could only sit with her on a specific day as he was getting very possessive and hell mend anyone who sat next to her!! :o he seemed to take this on board and isn't as clingy but he does still adore her.

I hope you and your husband can work things out, please let us know how you are getting on,

Take care,

Kirstie.

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Myself and Hubby went to our first session of the `help` programme yesterday, What a very informative and interesting day it was.

I was absolutely totally gobsmacked when the guy who was talking was explaining all about the characteristics and little things that people with ASD do.

Hubby kept saying `i used to do that` and `i did that` We also think that `A`s wee sister has aspergers as well. Because i thought i was just being paranoid mum and so i stuck my head in the sand and hoped it would all sort itself out, i know it`s stupid.

 

(By the way `A` is 16 and was dx in may 2006 with Asperger`s)

 

Hubby and me were talking about our day and he said he can see lots of `A`s characteristics in me as well, and i know full well there are. But the fact is he`s noticed my behaviour as well. It`s not as bad as `A`s, but there are signs there.

 

So the outcome is i`ve made an appointment at the docs for my wee daughter and my hubby. I knew there was a change hubby since `A` was dx but i thought it was him just not being able to cope with `A`s behaviour.

We were also told there are some genetic factors in it as well, we always said that `A` was the reincarnation of my dad and looking back it explains a lot of things.

At the moment i`m feeling what else can life throw at us????

Isn`t it amazing how one dx can spark a chain reaction

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Hi Cial it is a surprise but appears to happen fairly often that families obtaion a Dx for one member but the process of Assessment raises questions about others.I hope the appointment with the Dr is helpful.Regards Karen.

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My husband of 5 years also has aspergers ( i believe) he can see he has many of the traits himself. To be honest and a little blunt, many of his behaviour seems like a child in his behaviour and egocentricity. eg he will have a tantrum ( shout, self harm, violent) over a seemingly small thing. He would say something like " you hate me", of course being a sarcastic person ( a fault on my part) I would say something like "of course I hate you, thats why I married you". To a normal person it would be obvious I was joking, but to him he sees it as major like the end of the relationship and hence the reaction.

 

It would explain a lot of the behaviours, as the only negative sides to his behaviour could be explained by aspergers. He is normally a generous person but there are times when it just does not occur to him that there is anyone other than himself to think about.

It upsets me a lot, one occasion when I miscarried he said " oh well its only little anyway, I hope this doesnt mean you are going to want another one!". When I was upset the following year he had totally forgotten that it ever happened.

 

We have spent most of our married lives on and off living seperately due to violence, self harm etc. Looking back I thought his behaviour was totally out of proportion, but if he is autistic it would explain a lot.

My husband is very similar, he doesnt react at all when im talking about serious issues, he waits patiently for me to finish then goes on about something totally irrelevant like a film that is on.

 

It is incredibly lonely, like you he has told me things that have really hurt me, but he could never accept that his actions could have hurt me even the violence. He was sorry for being "bad" as he puts it but doesnt accept it hurt me, but like you I do love my husband. We have almost divorced several times but we get back together. Realising that he probably has aspergers makes me positive because I can see how I can change my behaviour to hopefully prevent the situations but the realisation that I may never have someone with whom I can share my heart is hard.My husband isnt my soulmate, he is my friend yes, but he doesnt understand or even try to understand how I feel. He My son is very similar in that he follows rules but doesnt understand the consequences of his behaviour on the other person.

 

I hope you work through your difficulties as I hope I will with my husband but I know how you feel, it isnt easy.

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JJ's mum I read your post and thought I would just say that even if your OH does have Asperger Syndrome it is does not make violence ok.Please do not hope to change him just by changing your behaviour.He needs to take some responsibility.Sorry if that sounds negative.Karen.

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JJ's mum I read your post and thought I would just say that even if your OH does have Asperger Syndrome it is does not make violence ok.Please do not hope to change him just by changing your behaviour.He needs to take some responsibility.Sorry if that sounds negative.Karen.

 

 

At the risk of offending, can I just say that in this thread so far autism appears to be the 'explanation' for every negative trait mentioned.

It's worthwhile to consider, I think, that selfishness, inconsideration, bullying, aggression, and egocentricity are not exclusive traits of autism, and that where the diagnostic criteria does touch on these sorts of 'traits', it's in terms of a lack of understanding about the impact of such behaviours on others rather than a wilful disregard for them ...

There are actually many, many medical conditions where exactly these types of behaviours may be presented - ranging from simple things like food allergies/adhd right through to more serious mental health conditions like sociopathy - that have nothing whatsoever to do with autism...

I Guess what I'm trying to say is that not everything is going to be a 'co-morbid', and that Karen A's suggestion that even where there are direct links there's still a matter of personal responsibilty and 'ownership'.

Sorry if that does offend anyone - it's certainly not the intention, and i'm certainly not talking about any specific posts in this thread... I just think it's important to consider both sides of the coin, and to point out that people who only see the 'negatives' in our kids are usually viewed very differently...

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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Hi, Tinystar,

 

You could be describing my father, particularly in the area of women. My father has AS. I was not brought up by him as he abandoned me as a baby to adoption. In the 1960s he got my mother pregnant twice oout of marriage; he did not regard it as wrong to walk away and had no consideration whatsoever about the impast of his actions on my mother, my brother or myself. Over forty years later, he simply sees it all as an academic fact and simply brick walls any discussion of the impact on other peoples' lives. However, any hurt that is done to him is made maximum fuss of and is utterly condemned. The lady he married was fory days short of giving birth and his married life has been dotted with strings of affairs. He has no concept of hurt in other people, no consideration but is extremely judgemental of others. His wife is still with him but I think that's as much to do with their age and background. He is extremely bad-tempered and has no concept of fair play.

 

During my brief relationship with him two years ago the most striking feature of him was the extent to which he noticed women everywhere, what they wore, their figures etc. I had never been in the vicinity of a man who had such an eye for women. I was quite shocked at this and the only way I could rationalize his behaviour was that women are his Asperger obsession. I have tried to research whether this is a feature of men on the spectrum but haven't come across it much. I do hope that you arrive at a happy solution in your family and that this difficult time will pass for you.

 

Yoyo

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Hi Tinystar -

You're definitely not alone, but I haven't yet discovered all the answers so I'm probably not a lot of help to you! :rolleyes:

 

My other half (of 6.5 very long years!) was diagnosed with Aspergers almost 2 years ago. It was such a huge relief to be told that yes he was "different" and that I wasn't losing the plot and imagining everything I saw.

 

Cannot really advised on the problem with other women as my DP notices them and occasionally comments on their clothes etc. but my logic is that he would actually drive them nuts if he went anywhere near them! He's more interested in amatuer radio and Linux and haven't seen that many women involved in that around here.

 

We regularly have huge arguements, usually when I feel like I cannot take anymore and he doesn't understand what my problem is! :wallbash: He doesn't seem to register that 3 boys (2 of whom need a lot of input) are a higher priority than him and his radios/linux stuff and that I really could do with some help with bringing them up and also that I want some of his time too!

 

Anyway, good luck with trying to get your head around it all - it's a lot to take in and deal with.

 

Nikki.

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I've thought a lot about posting on this thread, because my husband doesn't have AS. My dad, however, had a medical dx, and I have read some of the books that Nellie recommends above.

 

From my personal experience of my dad, I would say that while there was definitely a negative impact on our family life because of some of the things he did, I would agree with BD that this was because he struggled to understand that impact, not because of any wilful disregard for others.

 

In actual fact, my dad was incredibably hard on himself over his behaviour, and would criticise himself for 'failing'.

 

BUT, I would say that for all of the (often very significent) negative impact of his behaviour, the positive impact of his autism far out weighed the negatives. He was honest and truthful to a fault, scrupulously fair, and very passionate in his humanitarian beliefs.

 

I guess what I am trying to say, is that from my personal experience, and also what I have read, I find it difficult to see a lot of the negative behaviour described here as 'AS'. If anything, I think it sounds more 'NT'?? I am sure that there may be some AS men who are womanisers, etc, but I would have thought that these kinds of negative behaviour patterns are far more likely in an NT man (sorry guys, hope you know what I'm trying to say!! :ph34r: )

 

I would also say that I know admitedly a very few adult men with AS, but again I can't see any of their sometimes 'negative' behaviour being like this at all.

 

Obviously, this is only my opinion, so hope I haven't offended anyone :unsure::unsure:

 

Bid :ph34r:

Edited by bid

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During my brief relationship with him two years ago the most striking feature of him was the extent to which he noticed women everywhere, what they wore, their figures etc. I had never been in the vicinity of a man who had such an eye for women. I was quite shocked at this and the only way I could rationalize his behaviour was that women are his Asperger obsession. I have tried to research whether this is a feature of men on the spectrum but haven't come across it much.

Yoyo

 

For the most part, autism and AS would imply the exact opposite. Most men on the spectrum would lack both the social 'sophistication' and/or confidence to successfully engage in the sort of womanising you talk about. Further, the very 'black and white' view that many people on the spectrum have of morally acceptable behaviour would preclude 'cheating', and they would be absolutely hopeless at (and find very stressful) the degree of deceit, planning and subterfuge demanded. As with all things, there will be exceptions and I would certainly not pretend to imply that all autistic/AS people would be beyond reproach in this regard, but certainly for the most part AS and extensive womanising would seem unlikely bed fellows (excuse the pun!).

Again, I'd raise the point that there are many, many alternatives to autism as explanations for thoughtless, inconsiderate, aggressive, egotistical and arrogant behaviours, and that there seems to be an implicit 'difference' here in that adults on the spectrum do not generally deliberately hurt people once they become aware that their behaviour is doing so - it's more an act of 'omission' rather than malice...

Whether individual people on the spectrum may behave differently is a moot point - those 'alternative explanations' would apply equally to neurotypical males, but I believe the epihitet usually applied then is either 'B***ard' or 'Chauvenist Pig' ! :lol::lol::lol:

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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:rolleyes: ......................badders , hit the old nail on the head there I think.............sorry to pull you up dear, but is chauvenist not spelt with an i rather than an e ..........:whistle:

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:rolleyes: ......................badders , hit the old nail on the head there I think.............sorry to pull you up dear, but is chauvenist not spelt with an i rather than an e ..........:whistle:

 

Well according to the spellcheck mine appears OK, and you've spelt it the same way so i'm a bit :wacko::wacko:

Just so long as you don't try to claim it's spelt B-A-D-D-A-D I'm happy! :lol::lol::lol:

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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My trusty Concise Oxford dictionary tells me the correct spelling is chauvinist, after Nicholas Chauvin, a 19th century Napoleonic veteran noted for his extreme patriotism. Did you know that? I didn't!

 

 

K x :)

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My trusty Concise Oxford dictionary tells me the correct spelling is chauvinist, after Nicholas Chauvin, a 19th century Napoleonic veteran noted for his extreme patriotism. Did you know that? I didn't!

K x :)

 

Yes, I did know that, but not the spelling! Seems to be a common spelling error though, from the hits the incorrect spelling gets on a search engine! The thing i heard about Chauvin/Chauven was that he was also very egotistical - refused to listen to the opinions of others and was eventually killed in battle (or maybe just got lots of his troops killed?) when he insisted on attacking when everyone else was retreating!

As Dan Milligan said in 'Puckoon': "Why is it that when I use my initiative and retreat on my own it's running away, but when the whole battalion runs away it's a retreat?"

 

L&P

 

BD :D

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Hiya

 

I just wanted to say thanks so much to everyone who has read and replied to my post. I found the tony atwood workshop for partners notes that nellie suggested very very interesting. I can really relate to a huge amount of the stuff in there, and there is even a bit in there about AS men having the obsession with women, so I think that in my husband's case this is just one aspect of his obsessions/interests. He does insist that nothing has actually happened physically with the various women, but he just does become obsessed with them for aperiod of time and then it passes. He said to me that he has been like this since he was a child. I do agree with what some people have been saying that he is not intentionally trying to hurt me, that is really the problem in a way, not that it would be better if he was, but that he doesnt realise that he is, even when I tell him over and over. It is like he just can't comprehend it.

 

Anyway. I am feeling a huge amount better after hearing from you all and reading more about it all, and thinking my situation over in my head.

 

Thanks again, and any more advice would be welcome too.

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Hi tinystar,

 

Sorry I've no advice to give in this kind of situation, but I just wanted to say, belatedly, welcome to the forum.

 

I hope you manage to find a way through these difficult times.

 

K x

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JJ's mum I read your post and thought I would just say that even if your OH does have Asperger Syndrome it is does not make violence ok.Please do not hope to change him just by changing your behaviour.He needs to take some responsibility.Sorry if that sounds negative.Karen.

 

I know it doesnt make it ok, which is precisely why we dont live together, I was merely pointing out that much of my husbands behaviour could be explained ( though not excused by an asperger diagnosis). Im not saying that aspergers makes it acceptable to do such things and also he has never been taught to take responsibility for his actions by his parents. What I am saying is that certain behaviour can be provoked in an adult that has aspergers and seem totally irrational to other people. To him his behaviour makes perfect sense.

I have only really known for 4 weeks that my son has aspergers. I do not have a formal diagnosis but 3 experts have said they would be surprised if he is not on the spectrum. Im ruling out more severe autism as he just scored far higher than his age for the language part of the health visitors assessment. And he talks more maturely than me often.

I intend fully to ensure that my son is able to function in the real world by the time he leaves my home. Im not saying husbands behaviour is acceptable as I do not tolerate it from my son. However if my son is having a tantrum because his routine has changed suddenly then although I dont encourage him to have a tantrum or condone it, I do understand why it is happening. When my husband is engaging in this unacceptable behaviour, he does not have control over his actions. The reason my husband does not live in our house and hasnt for 2 1/2 years is because I am trying to set an example to my children about how to behave. It is incredibly hard to ask my son to stop headbutting walls, hitting me, close his mouth when eating, stop stuffing loads of food in and stop having a tantrum when he sees the person who is intended to be a role model doing the same thing. He shows no interest in the children, when he is there I am effectively raising them alone although he will do anything he is asked to do within reason, but its not pretty.

Im sorry if I offended anyone, I do apologise. I dont try to blame the traits on autism with my son nor my husband. In any case the only one who is diagnosed is my brother in law. Im 98% sure my husband has. He is nt close to a womaniser at all. I was his first and last partner and we met when we were 20. His brother has no interest whatsoever in the opposite sex so I guess people are different. My husband even now isnt really interested in women, he really just wants another mum.

 

I have almost decided this week to end the relationship anyway. He is being really patronising about my son and im fed up with it considering he has probably only spent 4 weeks living in the same house since he was 18 months. Also I dont have the energy. My son is on the spectrum, I can see that. My husband may well be, he ticks a lot of the boxes too but Im a mother to my son, Im wasnt ever meant to be looking after my husband so Ive decided to move on and seek my soul mate. I also want more children one day, my husband doesnt show any interest in the ones we have. I suspect he has aspergers too but once someone is an adult with no idea they are wrong, it is very difficult for things to change. My son can expect to grow up to enjoy a happy life. He might still be having tantrums now (4) but I dont intend for him to be by the time he is 27.

 

I know its a bit harsh, but autism or no autism, if you arent happy with someone and their behaviour then autism is not a reason to stay.

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I know its a bit harsh, but autism or no autism, if you arent happy with someone and their behaviour then autism is not a reason to stay.

 

Hi JJ's mum -

 

I agree 100% with the above. My posts in this thread have been made to highlight the fact that the reasons behind behaviours are complex and diverse, and that the assumption that any negative personality traits arise directly and specifically as a result of autism is prejudicial and (with regard to extensive 'womanising') seemingly at odds with the general expectation of a social communication disorder...

In you previous post you state that:

 

the only negative sides to his behaviour could be explained by aspergers

 

and I was just trying to say that all sorts of other explanations could be equally viable, and that some of the things you consdier to be positives could also be (or not be!) attributable to autism...

An equation that implies NT = good/Autism = bad seems both unrealistic and/or unlikely to lead to effective 'ownership' of the problems that are manifest...

 

Tinystar -

 

I hope (if you've read this far!) you'll appreciate that I'm not making any presumptions about your own situation. I really do wish you and your partner the very best, and hope that this forum can offer help and support and knowledge about your circumstances. There is a wealth of information here, and, as 'yoda' nellie has already demonstrated, plenty of links to outside resources if we can't 'do the do' first hand!

 

L&P

 

BD :D>:D<<'>

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JJ's mum I read your post and thought I would just say that even if your OH does have Asperger Syndrome it is does not make violence ok.Please do not hope to change him just by changing your behaviour.He needs to take some responsibility.Sorry if that sounds negative.Karen.

 

Hi again.JJ's mum. I am sorry if I was not helpful.When I put up this post I did not know whether your OH was still around.I in no way intended to pass judgement.My worry was that you may be living still in a vulnerable situation with regard to violence.I did not want you to feel that you needed to remain in an unsafe situation because your partner may have Asperger syndrome.Now I have read your last post it is obvious that this is not your situation.

Many women and some men remain in relationships where they are at risk.They continue to remain at risk because they hope that if they try to understand their partner and they change things themselves it will be ok.This is a very risky strategy.This is what I was attempting to get across-I did not intend to pass judgement on your OH or your relationship.Again I am really sorry if I upsett you.I was purely concerned for your safety.Regards Karen.

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You didnt upset me. We were together for the last 2 1/2 years though not living together due to unpredictable but rare behaviour including self harm and violence. He was planning to come back in a few months. He hasnt been violent for almost 3 years, but the fear is still there when he gets angry. I do believe he has aspergers but agree it doesnt mean he doesnt need to take responsibility.

 

Im not convinced he can help the anger fits as they are very very out of character but it doesnt make it less of an issue and in a way makes it worse because if he cannot help it, he cannot just stop and therefore the argument that he has changed cannot be true.

 

I would be stupid to have him back and after reading the article by tony attwood recommended by nellie in this post, I realised the life I would have at best with him isnt the life I dreamed of. I am moving on because I long to have a child one day with someone who is not only happy about it but who takes an interest and with whom I can share the experience. I feel like im not only raising 2 children alone but also my husband is like having another child :-( only not so loveable.

 

Thanks for the advice everyone.

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