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Karen A

Behaviour at home different to school

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Hi.Ben has been doing ok at school.His behaviour is much more settled generally.However he is very frustrated and upsett at home.I think I have noticed this pattern before on the forum.Have those of you with more experience come across this ?

I cannot decide whether we are not managing him or whether he is bringing his frustration home with him for us. :blink::blink: Thanks Karen.

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Oh Yes!! This seems to be a common thread amongst us parents! My son is ok all day and then as we step into the car the other child appears :ph34r: and is very difficult until the next morning when he steps out of the car and returns to school as the sweet child!!!!! I think that there is a lot of, being able to unload in a safe enviroment where the child is in a comfort zone.

Keep going we are all here to support oneanother >:D<<'>

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We're starting to get this too. DD started school after xmas and seems very happy, appears keen to go etc but at home she's become a nightmare, lot's of old behaviours that we had been VERY glad to see the back of have returned, such as pulling my hair :angry: She's also singing and talking to herself more at school in the last few days (her school 1:1 was with her in nursery too).

DD also has epilepsy but I'm not really convinced that this is seizure activity flaring, I think it's the ASD side of things but I'm hoping it's only temporary???? :pray:

 

A x

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Hi.Thankyou so much for the link.I will read through it.It is so helpful to know it may not be anything to do with us parents not dealing with things well. :rolleyes::rolleyes: Regards Karen.

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Hi

 

Certainly in my son's case, I've noticed his behaviour is much worse at home. My husband and I seem to get the brunt of everything!!! My guess is that he's been trying hard to concentrate, conform and fit in at school. By the end of the day he's exhausted and had enough - hence the reason hubby and I get the brunt of it!

 

 

Caroline.

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I got an ot report which observed her in clinic and at school it shows two different sides, the observation in school said she benefits from school structure as she sat really still for morning service very engrossed in her work topic and played nicley with friends. My dd hates school but i know that she will try very hard to fit in she doesnt like to get anything wrong shes a perfectionist, she would look like a model pupil trying so hard all day not to make any mistakes so when she comes home she is frustrated, tired, anxious etc..

bottling up all her emotions just trying to cope. Even when she is playing which is just running around, her play will stop if she notices children breaking rules and cant hold back the urge to tell teacher. She lacks confidence with her academic work as she scared to make mistakes and notices other peers doesnt have these diffculties. Even when teacher told a girl in class she looked beautiful in fancy dress this broke my dd heart as she couldnt understand why she didnt look beautiful, she compares herself to peers all day.

I know that im not the cause as i notice a great difference in summer hoildays, shes less anxious and back to her bubbly self which we miss when she goes back to school.

I notice my dd hardly speaks she has diffculty expressing her needs, but children and the teachers have told her they dont understand what she says so this has developed into a fear as she has alot of speech diffculties, just to say i believe school has ruined my dd they have too many expections and then theres peer pressure too.

ive never heard so much rubbish that comes from their mouths (head,senco and teachers)

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steve is the same at home and at school :( ive heard so many times about kids being good at school then letting off steam at home,i spose at the end of a school day they let all their frustrations out

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Tyler is alot worse at home than school!!

 

I was told that it is becaus at home he is in his comfort zone so hence why we get all the bad stuff :(

 

Good o know that it is a common thing and we are not the only ones!!

 

Clare x

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Absolutely common ! My lad is thw proverbial image of an incommunicative introverted child at school, at home he is bubbly, shouts, into everything, and is a ball of fire. On his schools record is this tip.. "If G is quiet today, spare a thought for his parents, they are in for it, and try to tire him a little to give them a break !".... doesn't work 'though, school is for doing nothing, home is where its at.....

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I think it depends on the experience and specialist training the staff in the school have, because some behaviours are not always picked up, and some behaviours are misinturpreted,

 

so a figeting, disruptive child may get labled as naughty,

or a child not willing to do his work may get labled as lazy or stuborn,

a child who is eager and bright but not socially adapting will get told there attention seeking,

yet all these signs can be symptoms of low attention span, hyperactive, dyslexic, asd,

 

so these children can have negative responces, others may even be completely ignored if they arent showing a real distruption so a child who is quiet, withdrawn and in a world of her own no one will make a fuss because she isnt a disturbance to the class, some may even forget she is even their.

 

I know of one child in a school who was obvously ADHD but his teacher said oh no he is just silly, and needs to knuckle down, yet every lesson he was outside his classroom, doing a smartie dance, jiggering around and out of control, yet he wasnt a problem.

 

in other schools where they ignore the real key symptoms you can usually get the evidence you need in school reports, many of Js older reports are like a list from a ADHD summary, its a joke, so though it may appear that things at school are better, are they really, deep down.

 

It depends on the level of training they have had and how much they achknowlege Special needs.

 

some dont even know what ASD is?!!!and many dont even know what ADHD is?!!!!!

 

so how can they judge and have an opinion if they dont even know what is stands for?

 

JsMuM

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Have been recommended to do a routine planner for after school.. as in school there are boundaries and out of school its more relaxed and so they don't quite know what or how they should be doing etc. So an afterschool planner things like tea, dinner, shopping, pictures, swimming, scouts, phone granny, walk the dog, quiet time, bed, sleep.. etc

 

Am having big difficulties over this as I do not want my boy to be stuck in routines.. I try to change things all the time so he gets used to change.. having said that have to admit partial failure though as he does work better within a routine... doh...

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Definately was the case for Kieran when he was at school he was a model pupil but when he was at home he became something from the omen.School did tell me it was probaly bcause they are rules set out at school and they have to follow them, so when they get home the rules are completely different which causes the problems.you have to find a way thats best for you to get a little bit of harmony.What am i saying harmony what is that!.Never any in my house

 

 

 

lynn

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Same here and has worked both ways. Last term he had lots of difficulties adjusting to school after the long summer and new LSA, mostly new kids in class and spent the first half term throwing things and hair pulling :( Behaviour at home was ok. This term he has new teacher and classroom (but same LSA and peers) and has generally been ok at school but either very aggressive or locked away and distressed after school at home. School thought because coping ok there things were fine until I described some of our evenings. Some of it is inevitable I think due to change and just have to ride it out but since I mentioned this his LSA is doing more relaxation and put other things in place and he seems less overloaded and stressed when he comes home

 

Lx

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If I could find out WHY my son is so different at school to home, we would be some way to meeting his need. It appears on the face of it, the schools simply hasn't established effective communication, I'm hoping, the specialist and autistic school would have cottoned on to this..... especially as I made a point is telling all his other schools this was the main issue.. I'm starting to worry a bit that after 6 months at a special school he is more hyper at home and LESS active at school and lower communication there too. Perhaps he is over-awed at school and taking the line of opting out ? He IS advancing at the school despite reports they are finding it not the case yet, so what's happening you think ? He really is learning things more, they can't see it ? He won't show it ? He's playing dumb ?

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My son is exactly the same, perfect happy boy at school ,never gets in trouble......at home he is the opposite and I was starting to think it is just me being a ###### parent, so It's good to see lots of other parents in the same situation. I have noticed that if we do something regularly he is quite happy to do it, but really we don't have a routine at home and he is really reluctant to make a schedule at home, rips it up if i try to make one etc.

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Thankyou so much to all of you who have taken the time to write about your experiences on this thread and the earlier one.It has helped me to see that although we are sadly not the only ones going through this it (hopefully) isn't because of anything we are doing wrong..I think the guilty mother syndrome always kicks in when school mention that word..well he's been *fine* here... :wacko:

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It may be primal, he or she may feel unable to be his or herself outside the home, so us parents are really, the only people they can bounce off, to experiment with, to test... our support therefor has to be unconditional in the face of the uncompromising (good job if you can do it !, most of us can't !).

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Hi,

 

Just wanted to add Kai is the same. His teacher calls him "Mr Perfect" at school. At home he can be rude, aggressive, disruptive, violent and sometimes lovely too!

 

It's definately a case that home is where they feel "safe" to let it all come out. Also, at my son's school they have very rigid routines and a "points" system, which he responds very well to. He is obsessed with getting a good score ( :thumbs: ). I have been advised to try to implement something similar at home, ie getting a point for getting dressed, not being rude etc, but not taking points away because he can't cope with this.

 

Loulou xx

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For two nearly three years my son's school claimed to have no problems apart from seperating from me in the mornings, but he quickly settled when in school. He was hell at home and I often told the school in my attempt to get him support in school of the problems we were having, me thinking that if things were different at school he may be happier at home as I felt he was keeping everything bottled in all day at school.

 

Things changed and they changed quickly and then the school realised just how difficult he was, only problem then they said his behaviour at home was coming into school, no fault on their part that he wasn't coping.

 

Tony Atwood makes reference in his book "Aspergers Syndrome A Guide For Parents and Professionals" that different types of behaviours can be shown in different places. It's a good read if you haven't read it already and probably a good one to give the school a copy ;-), with highlighted bits in it, lol

 

It's kind of funny a year and a half ago I was asking the same question as you have done >:D<<'>

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Yep, this is is a common theme for us, too.

 

Both DS1 (nine, Asperger's) and DS2 (seven, ASD) mask their difficulties really well at school, but the mask drops at home, often as soon as they step out of the classroom door after school when they start hitting me. I don't know why they mask their difficulties, maybe they feel safer just 'floating' along with the flow. I know they are scared rigid of loud voices and being told off. I don't at all believe that they are 'angels' at school because school caters better for them, in fact I believe the opposite. It's because their needs are not properly understood and met at school that the stress builds and explodes in the safety of home.

 

For DS1 it's a kind of drip, drip effect: each little incident at school that confuses him or makes him anxious drips in and builds up until eventually his jug overflows. I've expressed my concern to school but they won't do anything about it until he 'overflows' at school. And, sure enough, this is now beginning to happen. He tried to smack his classmate over the head with a chair the other day.

 

Funnily enough, exactly the same thing is now happening with DS2. The school are amazed, because he's been so passive and co-operative until now. Now he's in Y2 and the work is getting a bit more demanding, as are the social demands, and he just hasn't got a clue, so his fear and frustration are coming out. His teacher said last week: 'We just want our nice little X back again!' Perhaps they should think about supporting him properly, then...

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Hi there. This is my first post, my eldest son is now 5 ASD and we had this problem especially last year. He would come home from school and be incredibly bouncy, frustrated and bad tempered. I have managed to get around this following some really really good advice. Basically, when I get him from school I just don't ask anything of him for at least an hour. I do not ask him anything about school, I give him something to eat and let him chill for a bit. I know now that he needs his winding down space and I never defer from this. Since doing this, his behaviour has dramatically improved when home from school. Nowadays the only problem is filling time at the weekends, he likes to know exactly what is going to happen, ie when we are going shopping which shops we are going to, when he is going to the playground, when dinner is blah blah and the anxiety about what is going to happen starts Monday before the weekend. The other thing is trying to keep the school coming home routine as similar as possible, if anything out of the ordinary is going to happen, say like Grandma being at our house when he arrives home then we try and prepare him for this at the very latest that morning. One time he wouldn't get out of the car because Grandma was here when he came home. Not helped by the fact she stuck her head in the car window asking him what he'd done at school. Massive meltdown ensued thankfully we learned that lesson very quickly and since then this has not happened. i got him in the house by promising that he could go straight into the kitchen and Grandma wouldn't talk to him. That sounds so rude I'm sure to anyone without ASD children but thats how we have to get by. He spoke to Grandma about an hour after coming home lol. Obviously you can't plan for everything more's the pity but the things you can plan for make sure they know about. But I truly believe that because they have conformed and held themselves together so well at school all day, home. is the place where they can let rip and feel comfortable doing it. But in our case. Chillout time works a treat.

 

Liz

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Hi,

 

 

Liz, I've just read your post and it sounded as if i wrote it about my son (8)! I do EXCACTLY the same when he gets in from school. I just sit quietly near him, give him a biscuit and let him "come round" in his own time. If i talk to him or ask him about school he gets in a state, so i just let him chill. The same happens when my mum is here too, instead SHE goes in the kitchen and ignores him until he is ready to talk :lol: . We've learnt the hard way, but if it works, it beats a meltdown! If a friend was at my house when Kai was due to come in from school, i'd have to get rid of them quick or all hell would break loose!

 

Loulou xx

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Loulou. Yes I only speak if spoken to when he gets home. But like you say after a while he is absolutely fine. As long as we have no unexpected visitors everything is hunky dory. It's funny how you initially think you are the only one going through this malarchy until someone posts and says it's the same here lol. Then you don't feel quite so bonkers lol. A lot of his issues have faded with time, like only him being able to open the front door..........that was really awful should you forget, and car door. Thankfully it has eased of its own accord.

 

Liz

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Hi there. This is my first post, my eldest son is now 5 ASD and we had this problem especially last year. He would come home from school and be incredibly bouncy, frustrated and bad tempered. I have managed to get around this following some really really good advice. Basically, when I get him from school I just don't ask anything of him for at least an hour. I do not ask him anything about school, I give him something to eat and let him chill for a bit. I know now that he needs his winding down space and I never defer from this. Since doing this, his behaviour has dramatically improved when home from school. Nowadays the only problem is filling time at the weekends, he likes to know exactly what is going to happen, ie when we are going shopping which shops we are going to, when he is going to the playground, when dinner is blah blah and the anxiety about what is going to happen starts Monday before the weekend. The other thing is trying to keep the school coming home routine as similar as possible, if anything out of the ordinary is going to happen, say like Grandma being at our house when he arrives home then we try and prepare him for this at the very latest that morning. One time he wouldn't get out of the car because Grandma was here when he came home. Not helped by the fact she stuck her head in the car window asking him what he'd done at school. Massive meltdown ensued thankfully we learned that lesson very quickly and since then this has not happened. i got him in the house by promising that he could go straight into the kitchen and Grandma wouldn't talk to him. That sounds so rude I'm sure to anyone without ASD children but thats how we have to get by. He spoke to Grandma about an hour after coming home lol. Obviously you can't plan for everything more's the pity but the things you can plan for make sure they know about. But I truly believe that because they have conformed and held themselves together so well at school all day, home. is the place where they can let rip and feel comfortable doing it. But in our case. Chillout time works a treat.

 

Liz

 

 

Mine is like that, he'd demand to know days in advance where he was going, how long, he would be there for etc, and although he won't wear a watch or anything, he would be walking about with us or something, he'd stop, and say, it's time to go home now, we've been out longer than an hour... trying to palm this off doesn't work either, he'd get frustrated, worried and then angry, he'd deteriorate in front of you with his behaviour, once home, all sweetness and light ! Mine too NEVER discusses school at any price, he leaves that totally when he comes home, it's as if it doesn't exist, he's been the same since he started school, they abandoned any sort of homework at day one, because he switches it totally off at home. He also as far as I am told NEVER discussed his home/hobbies or anything with the school. School is school, home is home, the two, NEVER mix ! but for the teacher updating me every week, I'd have no idea what he does..... but for me telling the school, they're never know !

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Mine is like that, he'd demand to know days in advance where he was going, how long, he would be there for etc, and although he won't wear a watch or anything, he would be walking about with us or something, he'd stop, and say, it's time to go home now, we've been out longer than an hour... trying to palm this off doesn't work either, he'd get frustrated, worried and then angry, he'd deteriorate in front of you with his behaviour, once home, all sweetness and light ! Mine too NEVER discusses school at any price, he leaves that totally when he comes home, it's as if it doesn't exist, he's been the same since he started school, they abandoned any sort of homework at day one, because he switches it totally off at home. He also as far as I am told NEVER discussed his home/hobbies or anything with the school. School is school, home is home, the two, NEVER mix ! but for the teacher updating me every week, I'd have no idea what he does..... but for me telling the school, they're never know !

 

Well my son can tell the time now, has near panic attack if it gets to 8:30 am on a morning and he is not on his way out the door, once home he continually says stuff like 4 O'clock now, like something magic happens at 4 pm. or 5 pm etc. It's almost a curse he's learnt how to tell the time, albeit a great achievement but it can be awkward for us too. He is now in a state about what time shops open on various days of the week. I'm sure that one day I will not have to ring up a shop ever again to see what time they open/close, he will know like some kind of encyclopaedia. Goodness I could go on and on, latest fascination is fire extinguishers, he will just bog off when you go into a shop looking for them, sending you into mad panic trying to find him. Sorry off thread totally but there you go. However, there is one thing, looking for fire exinguishers is sure better than a meltdown.

 

Liz

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My dd acts like a little angel in school tries so hard to fit in that it has the opposite effect and no one would really notice she is there as she is so quiet. Which isnt her personality as she so bubbly and very lively and also there is the lows.

I took her to a birthday party yesterday she was enjoying her own company for a while then she saw 2 girls who are her comforts in school but found it very diffcult to interact with them out of the school surrondings she also insisted that i leave, doesnt like it when im around.

And when i returned and they were all finishing their lunch she was again very quiet like in school i dont think it is because of school structure like some professionals say that some children cope better, i notice that dd acts like this in any group social situation. When we got home she said how boring it was something she says for everything.

Anyone have simular views?

I might suggest this to my dd pead?

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Might just be something very basic to Aspies, they don't like groups... a class is a group. It's the perennial issue, we are told by those obviously ignorant of our kids needs, 'mix 'em up include 'em, that's the way to do it ' it's usually the opposite isn't it ? shouldn't we just accept it's not on ? some aren't going to mix on any meaningful level most of the time, and better, to encourage them the best way that suits them ? When I suggested this at one school, they said some would take the view the parent is deliberately isolating the child :rolleyes: they MUST mix, we MUST 'include', mine hasn't despite 12 years of us trying and neither, have the schools succeeded.. perhaps THAT is what is holding him back ? Trying to bow to 'professional' views inclusion is all, and anyone who disagrees it is working against the child.... It's hard to know what's best, they just 'might' start to mix... it's a carrot ,with me the donkey running endlessly after it, but knowing its still as far away as it ever was... and I'm unsure I like carrots anyway.

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I think with M it may well be a 'trying to fit in' issue.I've noticed recently he says things like,'don't tell Miss I do...'

He was kept home yesterday due to no staff and had a surprisingly good day.Even when his brothers came home he didn't kick off too badly :D

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