Does AS and AS mix?

[krystaltps]

I've recently become friendly with another family on the island who have a child with AS. Their son is 12 and uncannily like C. When I went to visit, it was like talking to C (even the mannerisms) but a bigger, older, more sophisticated version. He's even been through the same obsessions in the same order. He was really excited to talk with me, and loved giving advice. He lent me the next Kathy Hoopman book for C and gave me a stress-ball to give to him.

Naturally, when I got home, C was delighted and has demanded (three-hourly since) that he goes to visit next time.

It would be lovely for C to talk with someone who's been through the things he's going through. The trouble is they are both the aggressive (and potentially violent) kind of AS, and I'm concerned that things would start beautifully then decline into a double aspergic frenzy . Obviously it would have to be structured and carefully supervised.

Thoughts anyone?

[KarenT]

I've had positive and negative experiences of this.

 

On the plus side, having AS friends has definitely helped J come to terms with his own dx, he understands their differences and that they're all part of the same condition, he's actually become more tolerant of AS children than NT ones - he only has one friend at his mainstream school and that's a sweet little girl who's besotted with him, all the others just pick on him and think he's a bit wet. He also goes to an AS social skills group, once a month, and the same applies there. It's also a huge benefit to have parents involved who understand why your child might have a wobbly over something trivial, you don't really have to explain their behaviour as it's already flagged up. Having two AS kids together with knowledgeable parents in a supportive environment can be really good for all concerned.

 

OTOH, sometimes the personalities clash and, our kids being who they are, they don't forget minor upsets. J had a lovely friendship with another AS boy (whose mum posts here) but they've had a bit of a falling out recently and the other boy doesn't want to play with J just now. I hope things will settle down again in the future but I suppose these spats are to be expected - these two are very alike (and aggressive like yours too) so it's inevitable that there will be diffiuclties.

 

Generally I'd say 'go for it'. You don't know how the relationship will work out unless you try, but I think it's worth making an attempt to help our kids learn how to socialise better. The advice I'd give is to keep the visits very short to begin with, probably no more than an hour. Give lots of advance notice to both children about what's going to happen, make plans about what you'll do together (social story maybe), perhaps meet on neutral ground so there can't be any issues about ownership or 'home turf'. I tend to dissuade J from taking his own toys with him on play dates because of his need to play by his own rules. I've found it better to either do something active (horse riding or swimming, eg) or a board game that has definite rules, not to be negotiated. Keep it simple, and have a get-out plan if it all goes horribly wrong.

 

Good luck!

 

Karen

x

[barefoot wend]

Krystaltps

 

I used to take my son to a specialist club for children with AS. Most of them didn't interact at all except with the adults.

 

My son refused to go in the end saying that it was pointless as it was full of people who had communication difficulties!

 

I'm sure there must be others who have had greater success.

 

Barefoot

[bid]

Don't know if this helps, but at my son's special school for AS, it seemed to me that the kids tended to click with friends who were in a similar place on the spectrum.

 

Sadly, I have to say that certainly my son can be very intolerant of other young people, but it's really everyone AS or NT who doesn't fit into his exclusive, very narrow, obscure taste in clothes and music!!

 

Bid

[curra]

My son wants to make friends and has tried a few times but only with NT s. He used to go to an AS group and had no contact with the other kids there because he said they had no face expressions. He has become more tolerant of AS since he started going to an ASD unit in his school, but he still complains a lot that they "don't talk" or that they "talk about the same things over and over". It's very hard for him to see that he's like that too. I think that one big advantage of AS-AS friendships is that they can develop more self-confidence. My son is too aware of his own difficulties when he's with NTs and he feels that he's "not good enough", which of course is not true, but that is his teenage perspective.

 

Curra

[dooday24]

a very good friend of mine has a child with as and reece gets on really well with her, they seem to know when the other one needs space and they play but donnot have to talk to each other its really nice to see hope this helps lv donnax

[lisa]

We've had good experiences of AS mixing with AS with my two (apart from each other at times!).

 

I have a friend who has a boy and girl of similar ages to my two (boy 12, girl 9, both AS) who I was introduced to through the local NAS support group as our children attending the same school and were diagnosed at around the same time.

 

They get on really well. The boys are both obsessed with the same computer games and have similar interests. I find AS kids far more accepting of others 'differences'. My friends son has tourettes as well as AS and my son never comments on his ticks or else he talks about it to him like an adult with interest not treating him like he's weird or as though it's a problem.

 

My son also has another AS friend who he gets on very well with. We've been on holiday to center parcs together and they're very funny going around the rapids. They're both so inpulsive they can't wait for the other to go together but equally they don't get annoyed with each other for not waiting which NT kids can do.

 

For us it's been a positive experience although I do know of one particular AS boy from the support group who J doesn't get on with at all and he has a tendency to go on and on moaning about him.

 

Lisa

[loulou]

Hi,

 

I think it really depends on the individual child. After all, NT and NT don't always mix!

 

My son is 8 and has an NT friend of 11, who he's grown up with . The 11 year old is exceptionally tolerant of Kai's difficulties because he has known him so long and his mum is really good at explaining things to him.

 

At school, there are 8 kids in his class (EBD). There are 2 others who are AS aswell as Kai. One of them he doesn't talk to because he says, "He's weird and talks with a funny voice" , the other one is on the same wave-length as Kai and they get on really well.

 

I would say give it a go, and agree that just a short visit (ie 1 hour) to start would be enough.

 

Loulou xx

Edited February 11, 2007 by loulou

[krystaltps]

Thanks for your advice peeps. I am hoping it will be successful, as it would be lovely for C to have a companion, a role-model (as this boy is doing so well) and of course, a friend.

C is very good at sharing (he's generous to a fault "You can take my Wii home with you if you want, have it" ), so I thought he could take some of his pokemon games for them to play together, and that way we could use technology as a deflection if necessary.

We can only give it a try.....

[Cynical]

Don't undermine your own input in this. Too many parents of AS and ASD children treat their children as unresponsive aliens - but even though your child does not show it, he does look to you for advice and assistance.

 

AS and ASD children do not respond; that does not mean that they do not absorb. If you approve of this other child as a playmate and even role model, then show your approval. Your own child may not react, but he will notice.