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reuby2

My hubby can't cope.

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We are finding it increasingly difficult to deal with my son's behaviour at home. At school he is an angel, but at home his behaviour is really trying. He calls his Dad an idiot all the time (and me lately), has meltdowns over things like the colour top he wants to wear, gets very angry and shouts/screams at us, jumps at us or hits/kicks etc .Is using his anxiety to control us (he does keep touching things, asking if he can do things over and over.pretty much obsessional behaviour really).

My Main worry at the moment is the relationship between him and his dad. Hubby is so fed up of it that he is reacting very badly (resentful and angry). Last night we should have been going out together and we had promised ds that we wouldn't go until he was asleep (because he can't bear me not being there or being left with anyone else). Anyway he couldn't get to sleep and time was ticking on. Hubby had read to him and sat in his room quietly for over half an hour. Still he couldn't drop off and everytime I spoke to him about us going he got into a tissy.So I went in to sit with him and my hubby went out and kicked the furniture because it was then 9.30, we have to be back by 11.00 and he was frustrated and dissappointed.

In the end I got him to go and meet our friends at the pub, saying I would get a taxi when ds went asleep.

Anyway, it didn't happen, ds jumped up and was a bit sick in the bathroom and felt hot etc, so i put my pajamas on and stayed in, my mum went home and i watched Pride and prejudice !!!!! (colin firth !!!)

Anyway he came in a bit happier (and drunk) and was happy this morning until he went in to say good morning to our son and was greeted with .... "GET OUT", so my hubby turned around muttered get lost (or something slightly worse ) and stormed down the stairs.

My hubby resents my son sooooo much, he is so hurt at the way my son treats him/us and is losing his temper fast.

Any ideas??????? please??????

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Although your son is presenting a good front at school, I wonder whether he is actually experiencing a lot of anxiety and stress there. To be an 'angel' at school is probably taking all of your son's emotional and physical reserves.

 

This could explain his behaviour at home, so maybe with gentle talking you could find out how he truly feels about school...

 

When my son was young, we tried to focus on one negative behaviour at a time. So if your son's rudeness to his dad is the thing that is upsetting everyone the most you could focus on that. We also narrowed things down to one very simple phrase, in our case it was 'No hitting'. Perhaps you could try something like 'No rude words to dad' or something similar. We then used this phrase each time the behaviour happened, rather than lots of confusing talk. We also put up the 'rule' on pieces of paper around the house so that it was visible all the time.

 

You can also use this in conjunction with a 'reward' programme, but it's no good expecting our kids to cope with the concept of 'being good' for a whole week or even day. It works best to divide the day into maybe 3 or 4 sessions to begin with, and the aim is 'No rude words to dad' for just one session out of each day at first. If this is acheived a tiny reward is given at the end of the same day so that it's immediate...the reward has to be something they are really interested in. For my son we found multi-packs of Warhammer figures, so he was aiming for one little lizard man! :o

 

When he is consistently managing to get his reward for one session a day, then you can extend that to be two sessions until you have worked up to a whole day, then 2 days and so on.

It does take time and you have to really stick to it, but we found that this did work for my son and his most challenging behaviour.

 

Just some ideas, hope they might give you some ideas!

 

Good luck >:D<<'>

 

Bid

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I agree with Bid. Just because your son is compliant at school it does not mean he is happy or even coping. Many times when J's behaviour deteriorates at home we find an external cause such as his 1:1 support being different or a lesson he has struggled to cope with. In your son's case it is possible he is asserting an excessive amount of control at home because he is unable to exert any at school.Have you spoken to his teacher to see if there have been any changes lately?

 

It is best to ask home when he is calm if there is anything in particular stressing him out. He will not be able to process your questions when he is fired up. Do not expect that you will get an answer straight away, J can often need hours (or even days) of 'processing time' before we get to the root of a problem.

 

In the meantime you need to follow the adage (as far as you can) of ignoring the bad and praising the good, and giving him plenty of love and support even though this will seem counter-intuitive.

 

Simon

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i totally understand, i am a single parent so whilst i dont have a partner to consider ,i can see easily what a massive strain this could be ...my son is very very good at school and it has been observed he is making a massive effort, the consequence of this is as soon as school is over the throw back is phenomenal, he has to do everything attached by my side, he has to constantly be attached to me phsycally and always controlling me.......yet hyper, cannot sit still , leaping around the room and removing all his clothes.Wont do anything that is asked of him and writhes in pain if his dinner is not presented when he gets in.....

 

are there any external resources you can tap into, locally maybe something they could go and do together? to take the focus out of the difficult situation at home

best wishes .d

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Has your hubby been to any of the parent groups that talk and discuss ASD and what kinds of difficulties there is when raising children with special needs, J does all the same to me as you have described but I dont resent him, I understand its part of his special needs and I have come to know when to give J space to calm down, or release because of triggers, NAS do courses for parents and I am sure they do a fathers group.

 

It could be that your son is also maybe trying to over ride the male alpha, and wants to see just how far dad goes before he does snap, J loves the reactions of people who bite back, he loves the snap bit, once he has realised he has upset that peson he then knows where the line is.

 

Js behaviour in his old school was absaloutly discusting when he came home, he was violent, desruptive, rude, swearing, screaming and all as a result of his needs been totally not been met, he is in a school that recognise his special needs and are supportive but there is still days of the week, and week ends where he is rude, manipulative, un coperative, hyper, and later I finds its because of a sudden change at school so even the smallest change could be enough for a volcano later on.

 

It could be that a group that supports fathers could be a really supportive thing for him?

 

I am a single parent and its very demeaning when a child calls you names and they get away with it but J doesnt as he is still disaplined and told he cant talk to me like that as it isnt nice, and I take away his PS2 for a few hours, or similair.

 

is there any thing locally or in the next town that has a centre that supports families who have children with special needs, there may be groups, courses, and general organisations.

 

JsMum

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Hi Reuby

I was having exactly the same problems as you >:D<<'> >:D<<'> My husband really resented my son 6 because of his behaviour(hitting me/him/brothers/shouting not sleeping etc) he felt that he was doing it towards him on purpose and i have to remind him its not our sons fault he cant help it. I think sometimes he forgets he is disabled as we all know its a hidden disability.

My husband went to the drs in the end as he was really finding things hard. He has started to take him swimming on a sat its nice for both of them and he behaves better when its just the two of them.

My son has also moved to a special unit school for asd which seems to have calmed him more. Although at the time i thought he was happy at school as he never showed any obvious signs he wasnt and always wanted to go i realised what they were saying at his old school was true he found it extremely difficult and wasnt happy but he very much keeps things inside so its very difficult to tell if there is a problem. Even when he is ill or has hurt himself he will not tell anyone :crying: its heartbreaking. I have learnt the signs now though.

Anyway sorry i dont have much advice i just wanted to say i know what you and your hub are going through and i hope you feel better soon >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

Brooke

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Thanks everyone, I find that I am very patient with ds and It doesn't affect me much, i still love him to bits and forget his behaviour quite quickly BUT most people around me are saying that it is me being too soft that is causing the problems. I find that I am really on edge when they are together as I am just waiting for an explosion.Thanks everyone x

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my partner finds reces behaviour very hard to handle and ends up getting angry or arguing the situation with him which then escalates. he is getting abit better,but he dosnt seem to understand what reece is feeling. just says im giving in to him constantly and perhaps that is true at times but even wen we r out and reece stands watching something for ages or wants to go different way to his dad he often gets irate even though we arnt in a rush and hes not doing any harm but then it can escalate into a total tantrum and we then end going home because is so exausted and im in tears i dont know wat the answer is i wish i knew sorry got abit carried away lv donnax

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ruebyi am very on edge when steve is with my partner,if my partner walks in the room steve says to him eff off back to work you w!!its horrendous, talks to me like it as well but i ignore most of it,my partner ignores most of it,we tried everything but we havent conquered it yet,other times he will sit with my partner and cuddle him,they watch football together but if steves having one of them days its my partner who gets it :( hes been with us for 11 years and its got worse,i get upset cos i cannot stand it,im gonna do what bid said though,tackle the one behaviour at a time,the swearing in steves case.

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hello that sounds like my dd7 what we finds helps we brought her a flatscreen tv with free view build in so when she comes home from school she sits there with her head phones on till she is calm then i will talk to her she hates her father and it up sets him she will kick him were it hurts and calls him all kinds of names but the tv helps all the best jill

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I can totally empathise, your post exactly like my household. My lad appears fine at school but our Psych. said its just a fascade he manages whilst there, but is in fact where his deep seated anxiety actually lies, in just only the past week the school has accepted this and are attempting to assess his anxiety levels at school. Like you I am very very patient, but sadly my husband is not either patient or understanding. The Psych says his behaviour when he's home is the relief of getting away from the source of his anxiety, he demonstrates his anger and frustration and relief directly towards us, his parents, because it is with us that he feels safe and able to be himself. All said and done the behaviour is not acceptable but needs to be managed.....that I am yet to discover.

Clare x

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Hi reuby I just wanted to say I know what you're going through, things sound the same as our house at present..My husband has just gone back to work after being signed off for over a month with stress..GP thinks it all just built up and he broke down when talking to him about our boy.(We also have another son with physical disabilities)

I am lucky as I can still so far find ways to relieve my stress but OH hasn't really ever even accepted the fact M has ASD.Everyone copes in different ways and hopefully your OH will find his own way to deal with things,my OH is now having counselling through work and is finally coming to accept things.Best wishes to you and yours >:D<<'>

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