joeboe Report post Posted February 23, 2007 Hi Everyone! Just thought I'd ask you all how you cope with your partner (male or female) when they have Aspergers. My 7yr old son is diagnosed and I'm convinced his Dad has the condition too as they act and re-act in totally the same way! It is enough to cope with a child with any difficulty, but coupled with the fact that I get it from an "adult" too, is 10 times worse! Like they beck each other up or something. I'd love to hear your strategies for coping and dealing with a partner (especially when it comes to the relationships and fidelity bit). We have been together for 14yrs and have three boys 2,3 and 7. Looking forward to hearing from you all on this one! Regards, Kerry Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mummy Report post Posted March 3, 2007 Hi Everyone! Just thought I'd ask you all how you cope with your partner (male or female) when they have Aspergers. My 7yr old son is diagnosed and I'm convinced his Dad has the condition too as they act and re-act in totally the same way! It is enough to cope with a child with any difficulty, but coupled with the fact that I get it from an "adult" too, is 10 times worse! Like they beck each other up or something. I'd love to hear your strategies for coping and dealing with a partner (especially when it comes to the relationships and fidelity bit). We have been together for 14yrs and have three boys 2,3 and 7. Looking forward to hearing from you all on this one! Regards, Kerry AARRGGHH!! Tell me about it! When we were researching Aspergers at the time when we were considering going for a Dx for our son (then 11) it dawned on us that that is why hubby behaves the way he does! They are SO alike it is unbelievable! We have not gone for a formal Dx for hubby as we can't see the point but we both know that he has it. Sometimes it's hard. I have quite an active social life and do find it frustrating (and others find it odd) that hubby doesn't want to come. We had marriage guidance a few years ago because I felt completely unloved. He wouldn't talk to me or sit with me in the evenings. I was flabberghasted that the reason he gave was that conversation should be reserved purely for fact gathering. I find it frustrating that he goes on about setting up an organised cashbook for me on my pc and doesn't accept that I don't want one. He gets frustrated with me when i lose things because i haven't filed them, and I get frustrated with him when he gets on to me about it! I love to invite people round for meals but he HATES it. We cope by him doing washing up and making coffee so he doesn't have to sit and chat too long. Knowing he has Aspergers helps me understand him. Yes I do find it hard at times. Especially when he doesn't pick up when i am upset or angry, In fact I think that's the hardest thing. But we have been together 17 years and I know he loves me even if he doesn't show it or doesn't know how to show it. i have to remember to tell him when I'm not happy or if I have a problem. Would love to talk to you more Kerry. if you want to you can PM me. Take care. love mummy x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted March 3, 2007 Hi Joeboe and Mummy, Do you mind me asking how/why you married your husbands if you find their AS so difficult? Were they different when you were going out, before you got married? I hope you don't find this question too intrusive...I am genuinely interested Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
mummy Report post Posted March 3, 2007 No he wasn't different but many traits of Aspergers are only seen when you are actually living with the person. Also as he really fancied me he made a special effort when we were courting to socialise with me when I wanted to socialise and didn't make it obvious that inside he was screaming 'get me out of here!' I also hasten to add that maybe I sounded a bit negative in my above post. Yes it can be hard at times but I really love my husband and the nice bits far outweigh the annoying bits. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
bid Report post Posted March 3, 2007 Thank you, Mummy Bid Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
cmuir Report post Posted March 3, 2007 Hi My son was diagnosed last year (he's 5). After having been married to my husband for almost 13 years I don't know why I didn't notice that he's a definite candidate for having AS as well. It's not that he's suddenly change - quite the opposite. I'm sure it's because I'm much more clued up on ASDs. My son and hubby are so alike. Hubby is much more difficult to 'deal' with. They are so alike. We're currently having hubby assessed. I don't have the answers in terms of how to make things easier. However, I do think that having a diagnosis for hubby will hopefully explain a lot of things. I noticed that we had no help pre-diagnosis for my son, yet as soon as we got a label, doors suddenly opened. I'm hoping that we may get some sort of help to help hubby cope with our son. Might sound like I've got my head in the clouds, but I have to be positive or .... Caroline. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Lynden Report post Posted March 4, 2007 I actually find it easier having a hubby who is aspergers as we balance one another out. We had thought he was AS before when we watched something and it sounded just like him, but we never really thought too hard about it till Logan was diagnosed and we researched more and it is totally obvious that he is AS. He believes he is too, and when we talked to his parents about when he was young, if they'd been looking for it it would have been so obvious. It can be difficult but we manage, and at least now I understand why he clams up in arguements, or why he doesn't find birthdays etc so important. I am a very sociable/emotional person though so we work things out.. If something is important to me he'll make the effort and come, but if its not, then I'm happy to go alone. It makes it easier for me with logan too, I worry about his future, and about him possibly not having friendships etc and hubby reminds me that Logan doesn't need the same things I need. I think the most important thing though is remembering to talk when you are upset about something because they wont always sense it. Lynne Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shnoing Report post Posted May 1, 2007 ... Like they beck each other up or something. ... Hey, that's much better than a husband who doesn't understand at all what the child wants and therefore drops out. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Millymoo Report post Posted May 15, 2007 My husband has just been dx'd with Aspergers. I'ts a releif but I've got lots of different emotions going on at the moment. I've heard that relate can do counselling for an asperger/non asperger relationship but we're nowhere near the 2 places that do it. Where do we go from here? How can I understand him more and how can we work out a way to live together (with our toddler & baby) happily? Any help would be great x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted May 15, 2007 "an asperger marriage" by gisela something (sorry its late) plus there are other books now I think. Mr pearl deffo on the spectrum, but his loyalty, straightforwardness, integrity etc make up for the irritants. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bard Report post Posted May 17, 2007 "an asperger marriage" by gisela something (sorry its late) plus there are other books now I think. Mr pearl deffo on the spectrum, but his loyalty, straightforwardness, integrity etc make up for the irritants. Agree, 21st anniversary coming up in July, partners for 24. Been close to murder several times, but never divorce. he was like this when I met him, married him and the more I learn about AS, the more I understand him. Why would I want to change the things that attracted me? All marriages are tough, but he's never been violent, dishonest, unfaithful or a liar...or any one of a thousand elements I would find harder to live with than AS. Sometimes the lack of emotional support is distressing, then I meet someone with a possessive and jealous partner who won't let them breathe and I'm grateful for the freedom to be myself that he gives me. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted May 17, 2007 Agree, 21st anniversary coming up in July, partners for 24. Been close to murder several times, but never divorce. he was like this when I met him, married him and the more I learn about AS, the more I understand him. Why would I want to change the things that attracted me? All marriages are tough, but he's never been violent, dishonest, unfaithful or a liar...or any one of a thousand elements I would find harder to live with than AS. Sometimes the lack of emotional support is distressing, then I meet someone with a possessive and jealous partner who won't let them breathe and I'm grateful for the freedom to be myself that he gives me. Ooh well put Bard. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mumble Report post Posted May 17, 2007 Ooh well put Bard. Agreed It's always nice to read something so positive. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bard Report post Posted May 17, 2007 It's good to be able to write the truth to an audience that understands. Many of my friends find our relationship incomprehensible, and I find all the mind-games they play with their partners equally strange. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
frostyfosty Report post Posted May 18, 2007 It's good to be able to write the truth to an audience that understands. Many of my friends find our relationship incomprehensible, and I find all the mind-games they play with their partners equally strange. Fascinating thread, and so much I can identify with - with the feelings of freedom/lack of possessiveness, with the lack of importance of birthdays, lack of mind games etc. Mind you I think I am pretty close to if not on the spectrum myself, which probably helps us get along! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Millymoo Report post Posted May 18, 2007 I'm so glad you posted on here Bard, you've helped me put things into perspective. My mind is all over the place since DH was dx'd last week. I've even had one 'friend' suggest having an affair!! can you believe that! People just don't understand So thanks again Bard, for making me see what truly matters Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Clare63 Report post Posted May 18, 2007 Pearl & Bard.....here here, I was not sure how to put my marriage into words, but yours sums it up for me. Clare x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bard Report post Posted May 19, 2007 My husband has just been dx'd with Aspergers. I'ts a releif but I've got lots of different emotions going on at the moment. I've heard that relate can do counselling for an asperger/non asperger relationship but we're nowhere near the 2 places that do it. Where do we go from here? How can I understand him more and how can we work out a way to live together (with our toddler & baby) happily? Any help would be great x I just thought I'd add that for years I was the main breadwinner, and OH stayed home with the babies, and worked from home. He was fantastic with them when they were tiny, because of the lack of emotional involvement. Let me try and explain. He never got cross or angry when a baby cried, even in the night. He knew that they needed holding, stroking, feeding and all the rest, so that's what he did. He never felt incompetent or like a bad parent, because he accepted that if something hadn't worked, you just tried something else. He walked everywhere as he doesn't drive, and took the baby with him. He is very intelligent, and enjoyed studying his children and their ongoing development. He is finding teenagers harder to handle, but we're managing. I do all the people interface stuff! Because he's consistent, reliable and calm, my children accept him for who he is and the qualities he possesses. They love their dad the way he is. However, they will step over him when he's lying on the floor reading in order to ask me a question, even if I'm already doing several things at once. That can be annoying! Your babies will love their dad whether he has a dx or not. That is one of the scary things about parenting, the children of alcoholics, bullies and addicts love their parents too. Go to Relate or councelling or support group if they help, but a dx doesn't change the man you married. He's still the same person. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted May 19, 2007 You express all this so well Bard. Mr pearl is fantastic with little babies for the same reasons you describe & will make a fantastic grandad. He too finds teens much more difficult & I often feel like piggy in the middle when he & JP start with each other. On the other hand he often understands JP's Aspie anxieties far better than I do as he's been there himself. Dealing with them though is a different matter. Often depends on how we are feeling. Sometimes he can cope, sometimes I can. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Clare63 Report post Posted May 19, 2007 My OH stayed home with our baby whilst I worked full time and this worked very well, for the same reasons. Clare x Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Shnoing Report post Posted May 26, 2007 "an asperger marriage" by gisela something (sorry its late) plus there are other books now I think. Mr pearl deffo on the spectrum, but his loyalty, straightforwardness, integrity etc make up for the irritants. Gisela Slater-Walker, Chris Slater-Walker: An Asperger Marriage ISBN: 1843100177 They've got a website, too. Ashley Stanford: Asperger Syndrome and Long - Term Relationships: ISBN: 1843107341 Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bard Report post Posted May 26, 2007 I've just had to serve up dinner, roast beef, mashed potatoes, roast potatoes, peas, broccoli and raw carrots in a 6' kitchen. And OH was messing around with his photography stuff, washing prints and measuring chemicals and covering all the surfaces. And he wouldn't move. Or stop what he was doing. Why? Because we usually have dinner between 6-6.30, when he's not home. Except it's the first day of the holidays, and I got behind hand, and Dr Who was on, so I was running late. So it's my fault. No argument, just puzzled expression from him at my unreasonable behaviour. AAARRRRGGGG! Sometimes it's not so easy! Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
smiley Report post Posted May 29, 2007 Bard - <'> Reminded me of something on Donna Williams Blog............ The tale of the lump that grumps........ Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Mumble Report post Posted May 29, 2007 Smiley - thanks for posting that - I've described people as lumps before - just thought that was the way people saw things (which includes people). My sister was most confused when I told her there were too many lumpy potatoes getting off the train for me to recognise her There's a link at the bottom of that blog entry too that's also very revealing - You Don't Look Autistic. I think I should print this and hang it around my neck. Or at least have some copies to give to people who don't really understand autism and think I'm being selfish, rude, unempathetic, lacking humour, taking things too literally . . . It describes me quite well - not the wanting to help people bit though - people scare me if I don't know what's expected of me. Bard and others <'> <'> You must have a lot of patience - no-one's been able to put up with me for any sustained period of time (and often I don't understand what I'm doing wrong, even if explained - to me my reactions are logical). Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted May 29, 2007 It works both ways Mumble - our Aspie partners also have a great deal to put up with, I think, or is it just me who's difficult to live with? Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Bard Report post Posted May 29, 2007 It works both ways Mumble - our Aspie partners also have a great deal to put up with, I think, or is it just me who's difficult to live with? Must just be you, I'm perfect. In fact the application for my canonisation is sitting on Benedict's desk at this very moment. Although it's on hold of course. Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
pearl Report post Posted May 29, 2007 Must just be you, I'm perfect. In fact the application for my canonisation is sitting on Benedict's desk at this very moment. Although it's on hold of course. Well let me know if you need a reference..... Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
Noetic Report post Posted May 30, 2007 Must just be you, I'm perfect. In fact the application for my canonisation is sitting on Benedict's desk at this very moment. Although it's on hold of course. ROFL thanks for that Quote Share this post Link to post Share on other sites
