Jump to content
joeboe

Partners & ASD's

Recommended Posts

Hi Everyone!

 

Just thought I'd ask you all how you cope with your partner (male or female) when they have Aspergers.

My 7yr old son is diagnosed and I'm convinced his Dad has the condition too as they act and re-act in totally the same way!

 

It is enough to cope with a child with any difficulty, but coupled with the fact that I get it from an "adult" too, is 10 times worse! Like they beck each other up or something.

 

I'd love to hear your strategies for coping and dealing with a partner (especially when it comes to the relationships and fidelity bit). We have been together for 14yrs and have three boys 2,3 and 7.

 

Looking forward to hearing from you all on this one!

Regards,

Kerry

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi

 

My 7 yr old son was diagnosed with Aspergers last summer. During the diagnosis my husband was asked about his early yrs & from what he said it appeared he was very like his son. He hasn't been diagnosed & will never go for diagnosis as he thinks it's a load of bull.

He says if he & son have it so does at least 25% of population!!

 

I'm reading 'An Aspergers Marriage' by Gisela & Chris Slater-Walker at the moment.

Very informative.

Life with my husband is very emotionally unfulfilling. It's all one sided - from me. It gets to the point where u don't want to bother.

I have been married for 15 yrs with 2 kids - 12 yr old daughter & 7 yr old son.

I think if I didn't have them I would have left yrs ago!!!

I yearn affection & real companionship. Conversation & the rest.

It's not my husband's fault - it's the way God made him but boy is it hard.

I don't trust his judgement on important things like money.

However he comes across as very secretive & this can make u very suspicious.

Many claim that AS men don't stray!! Mine did just after my daughter was born.

But the positive side is he is a good father to the kids & can be very kind.

Interesrd to hear your description of life!!

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi,

I have only been with my partner for 6.5yrs so :notworthy: to the pair of you who have survived over twice that!

 

As much as I love my dp, I find living with him very stressful. It sounds awful but I am always grateful when he goes away to work (he goes to Baghdad for 8-14wks at a time) I call it my time off for good behaviour, because no matter how hard I find it dealing with 3 boys, putting dp in the equation too creates mayhem!

 

It was getting my dp's diagnosis (before I went totally mad!) that made me realised ds2 was on the specctrum too and was a huge wake up call for me. DP thought that he would be able to "help" ds2 as he would know how he thinks etc. but it just doesn't happen as he cannot put himself in ds2's shoes.

 

I make all decision around here, whether they are small ones or huge ones - I deal with everything and he struggles along in his own world. :rolleyes:

 

As for the fidelity - I always wonder how many females look elsewhere for what their relationship lacks, but then again, how many of them would actually have the time or energy! :lol:

 

 

Sorry for a very negative sounding post.

 

Nikki.

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

I havent an offical diagnoses from a medical proffessional but certain im on the specturm prob asd or as and believe partner is also on the specturm some where.

My experience is that my hubby tends to remind me of what im not good at e.g communicating with others

my ritual for cleaning and getting drunk in social environments, may not sound like much but it does damage my self esteem as it makes me more aware of my diffculties instead of seeing what im good at.

I never strayed but often dream about it and the only way i can decribe it is looking for a deep feeling of being loved its very diffcult describing it i suppose like when your a young child and your parent just loves you so much and makes you feel secure

We have 2 dd i believe is on the specturm too, this causes alot of arguments on parenting i want to give them an upbringing of security and love his views are different and says im too soft he doesnt believe in ASD/AS or anything else and not interested to learn

the long term damage is that i become more distant, on the positive side i have learnt alot from him but everyones different.

Edited by hedders

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Hi Jinny,

 

Just like yours - our family life & relationship is unbearably unfulfilling, I too find myself wondering what it would be like to feel loved again....but then I have to stop myself because it just gets too upsetting. I sometimes think "I don't want to spend the rest of my life being treated like this", and I always hold onto the fact that once the kids are grown up enough and we have enough financial security that we can leave if we choose - at the moment we are too dependent on the person who is destroying our family, whether it's his intention or not. He just won't listen to us, he is always right, which dents everyone elses self-esteem....he even does it to his Mother and she puts up with it!!! Grrrr

 

Regards the infidelity - mine has also cheated with his Mum's neighbour's Daughter (teen) around the time our 2nd son was born......he doesn't feel remorse for what he did, and says he was trying to make our family "bigger" so we had more people around us to care for the kids!!!!! What a load of BULL! But to make matters worse, I also found out that he'd slept with the neighbour (mother) too a while before that. Needless to say I went downhill pretty fast and wish to god I had left him then.

 

Domestic Violence also comes into it, when arguments rage he will come right up to me or the boys with a threatening face - shouting and baring his teeth. He tried to squash me in the door last week. he has been arrested for violence towards me and threatening with a knife towards our 2yr old. I cannot excuse his behaviour, but I can kind of see where he thinks he is doing nothing wrong - it's the ASD! But other times I think he MUST know it is wrong.

 

I know only one thing though - it's made me hate him, no-one wants to know what kinds of things go through MY head sometimes as a result.

 

Well sorry for ranting on - just that this is the only place I have found where people actually understand.

 

Best Wishes,

Kerry

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

My DH is possibly on the spectrum too = although he lost his rag when i suggested it so we don't go down that route anymore.

 

It's often like dealing with two autistic children ... they both stand their ground and neither will give in to the other - DH just yells which frightens DS ... :wallbash:

 

Y'day DH broke the handle off the car seat which alters the slope of the back of the seat ... :o

 

Long story ... a friend sat in the car for a chat outside school and had adjusted the seat as it was too upright for her and she has a very bad back. DH has moaned +++ before when his seat has been altered so DS and I tried to get it back in the correct place. :unsure: Didn't succeed - DH went ballistic when he got in the car y'day am about his seat being altered and broke the handle in an almost panic trying to get it correct - then suggested that I don't let people alter it or ask them to sit in the back of the car .... :whistle:

:blink::blink::blink::wacko::wacko::wacko:

 

Sounds like Goldilocks and the three bears now I've typed it :lol::lol::lol: but it wasn't funny at the time ... :tearful:

 

The trick is to assume that the diagnosis is there and act accordingly ... not easy but I made some promises when we got married and I intend to keep them ...

 

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> to all in similar situations

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Ultramom - I can just picture your hubby now! sorry, but as you say - it is kind of funny, and that's exactly what seems to wind my other half up! He seems to have a sense of humour when no-one else is laughing, but when everyone else is laughing he doesn't get it.....oh well....such is life.

 

Those kinds of things I can deal with, but when it's constant hate every day - I wish I was a Winnie The Witch to "Magic" not so much him, but his behaviour away. (Now can you all tell I've been watching too much kids TV!) :D

 

Strange thing is though, when we first started dating 14yrs ago - he seemed the sweetest, most caring bloke I had ever met, although he did say one strange thing to me which I thought no more of - and that was "Never trust anyone". I didn't know back then what it meant, and even that he may have meant me too (which he did), but I sure know now.

 

At least most of us on here are doing something about our children's difficulties, even if it is only chatting to other Mums about it, that alone helps. It really gets my goat when someone turns round and pipes "don't be silly, there's nothing wrong with him, he's really sweet!). I feel like turning round and shouting - "Well you try living with it then!" :jester::jester::jester: They seem to think I'm the one that's potty!

 

Cheers everyone, I feel better now, and yes - I WISH (magic wand pls) I could go into Hospital 4 bed rest....That'll be the day!

 

Kerry

Share this post


Link to post
Share on other sites

Join the conversation

You can post now and register later. If you have an account, sign in now to post with your account.

Guest
Reply to this topic...

×   Pasted as rich text.   Paste as plain text instead

  Only 75 emoji are allowed.

×   Your link has been automatically embedded.   Display as a link instead

×   Your previous content has been restored.   Clear editor

×   You cannot paste images directly. Upload or insert images from URL.

Loading...

×
×
  • Create New...