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tmf

wishing i was dead

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Hi,

 

I have a small problem with my ds. He is going through a stage where he says he can't wait to be an adult so he can do what ever he wants. I have tried to reason with him and explain that even adults have rules to abide by, instaed of mummy + daddy making them it is the police. Anyway after a recent bout of behaviour he lost his PS2.

 

He now keeps saying that he wishes i was dead so he could go on his ps2 all the time. he keeps telling his sister and myself that i will be dead by christmas :crying::crying:

 

He doesn't understand y this is upsetting.....i have tried and tried to no avail.

 

Does any1 have any advice on how i can deal with this with him. Any would be a help as i would like to nip this in the bud ASAP.

 

thank you

 

tmf

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I think the best thing to do is to take the emotion out of the statement.He probably sees it as a solution to getting his PS back,rather than the implications of what the words mean.

 

I say this because my 9yo sees himself being dead as a solution to always feeling worried.xx

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I have had similar and it mostly comes down to the child having a lack of emapthy. I think tbh all kids at some point make comments that they wish they were dead or that their parents were. I remember saying it as a kid when I was upset and my NT daughter says it too.

 

I have tried to explain to both my children that if I wre dead then things would change they would go to dad's or goi nto care, things wouldn't be easier etc but I think it goes in one ear and out the other. I think the best thing to do is when he's saying it to actually ignore it, in some ways it's a bit like swearing often it's done to get a reaction and then when they are calm sit down and tell them that it's not a very nice thing to say etc.

 

Sending you a hug >:D<<'>

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So sorry, tmf, I know this must be so distressing and hurtful for you. >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

I agree with the others though. My son has recently started saying this as well, if a kid at school is mean to him he wishes them away, he wishes they were dead because then they would be out of his life and he would not have to deal with them anymore. He is not looking at it from their point of view at all, them being dead equals problem solved, it's as simple as that! :blink:

 

Of course, it's that much more upsetting when your lad is directing these thoughts at you, but I think you need to try really hard not to take it personally. He may not understand the implications of what he's saying and it might be better not to react to it, if it's at all possible. >:D<<'>

 

Take care. >:D<<'>

 

~ Mel ~

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>:D<<'> Its so hard hearing yr kids say such things >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

I think the best thing you can do is to tell him that you love him and that if you were to die you would be very upset that you were no longer with him.tell him you are upset by it and suggest that he voice his upset at having his PS2 taken away by saying im not happy with you mom because yopu wont let me have my game.I think he is just saying Im cross with you mom but he might need your guidence in the best way to say it.It a lesson for him to take into the future as he will need to know how to deal with being punished,

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Hi I know it is upsetting :tearful::tearful: .It is worth remembering that children do not necessarily understand the finality of death and the impact it has -so they do not appreciate that they may really upsett you.This applies to a lot of NT children not just those with ASD.I think perhaps our children are less restrained in expressing what they think and as others have said the lack of empathy is also a factor.

I try to remain as calm and unemotional as possible in response to comments like the one you described.Perhaps giving a clear but unflustered view that others may not like comments like that.

The less upsett you can appear the better-easier said than done I know.

I also feel that Ben finds it very difficult to manage his emotional response to things.Hence he may well act as though a major disaster has happened in response to failure on a computer game.Again I am working on not dismissing his frustration whilst not getting drawn into his upsett.When I get drawn into prolonged discussion we both end up frustrated.Regards Karen.

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My 13 year old DS still tells me sometimes that he wishes I was dead so that he can be free. For a parent it's very upsetting to hear such things. I think that some kids say it to annoy their parents when they are cross because they know the effect that it has on them, so one way to tackle this is not to react emotionally. My son usually says it when he feels frustrated about something. It doesn't matter what I say to him, as long as I stay calm, he goes on and on for some minutes, then he apologises and I talk to him and guide him about the implications of those words. When he was your son's age, he never apogogised, and I don't think that he realised what he was saying until he was 10 or 11.

 

>:D<<'>

Curra

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>:D<<'> i have found with el its best to ignore it.....then if i do something nice for her i might point out that its a good job i'm not dead or i wouldnt have been able to do the nice thing for her. i know its childish....i will grow up one day..... :whistle:

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Kieran will often come out and say he wishes we were dead it use to upset me but i just ignore it now,but he will say to younger ds why dont you get out of this house or just die,but "i wish i could" isnt the answer i like hearing from ds either,then they are best of friends the next minute i dont think he really understands how hurtfull it can be.

 

 

 

lynn

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Thanks for all your comments.

 

I didn't start taking it personally until he started telling his sister.....shes only 4.

 

I am due to go on a girl w/end away and purposely not tell him.....childish i know, but am at the end of my teather with him! :crying:

 

I never thought of treating it as i would swearing......so will give that a try.

 

Thanks once again :wub:

 

tmf

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Just want to say enjoy your weekend away but please do tell him otherwise it could re-inforce that you may go away again, leading to all sorts off complications, he may also need a calander time-table showing what days you wont be at home for that he can cross of so he know's when you are back.

 

As for your 4 year old it is really hard both my two children say it about ecah other often but they are saying it in anger and I know thy do deep down love each other and all you can do is reinforce it to your other child as she gets older that he does love her but is just saying it in heat ofmoment, it is hard on siblings >:D<<'>

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This is just so spooky. I thought I had written it cos that is exactly what my Son keeps telling me recently. I can't get him to understand either. He wants me and everyone else dead so he can do what he wants - whatever that may be at the time.

 

I can't offer you much of a solution I'm afraid as I havn't found one yet. I just try and keep telling him its wrong, give him lots of love and try and let it go over my head - cos I know he loves me really. Then go for the distraction technique - change the subject, get him to do something he is allowed to do to get him to forget about what he isn't.

 

One thing I have learnt about my son is that I added to the problems by getting upset by them. What I mean is that - I probably can't hope to change him - not that much at least. They have their ways and we do our best but they just keep coming back to hit/hurt you. I just now try and tolerate his ways - without giving up altogether cos I do like to offer some discipline for what its worth and for some self respect and standards!!. But I think I just have to live with his ways - rather than try and change him to make him live the way we do. That would be unrealistic and setting myself up to fail. Since I've realised that I've been a lot "happier" with my lot. Not happy of course but perhaps at least not so desperate to find answers all the time which often just aren't there. Don't you find that once you think you have the answer it just happens again the next day. So why beat yourself up over it. Its so hurtful though isn't it. I just try and think of the nice and funny things he says as well.

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I know that when J has his PS2 banned he will do anything to get it back, first its the nicey nicey aproach, then when that doesnt work its the bang bang aproach and then when that doesnt work its the I hate you and emotional stuff, its all done in vain he will get his PS2 back and if he shouts, bangs and tells you off loud enough you just might cave in and give him it, as I know that once you do then thats when you know they will go that bit further to get that little chance that they may win the battle.

 

Its really hard when the concequence then results in another battle and hurt so it can seem like a real strong reaction, I stick to a conseqence I know we will both be able to manage.

 

I give a warning and a full description of the behaviour and what needs to stop and what will happen if the behaviour continues, so he has a choice, he also risks other personal persessions been banned if he esculates.

 

I try and read his behaviour and go on what he is behaving like because if he is really stressed then I get him in his garden so he will jump on his trampoline or punch his punchbag, and then walk the dog, or go swimming, so he can get it all out his system.

 

He keeps to a routine in the early evening and I give warnings where I can if there is a change or a situation I know causes his anxieties to rise, so shopping I give a warning half an hour before we go, ect...

 

One of the best replys here was the one when they say hurt words is replace them back to him with loving warmth words and its really surprising what the result is, with J sometimes its just what deep down he needs to hear when I reply with oh but I love you so just letting you know that, ect....

 

I have lots of things available for him to express as well, in paints, paper, colouring pens, clay, ect...

 

The last resort is some breathing excercises and meditation cds and massage, for the both of us!!!

 

JsMum

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