2 sisters fell out with me

[hev]

i have 2 sisters who i am close 2 but they are both giving me the cold shoulder cos of steves behaviour.

 

the eldest one said to me not long ago maybe i shouldnt tell my mum too much about steves behaviour or how im feeling cos my mum is 72 and worries,now my mum is extremely close to steven,she joins forums on aspergers,she comes with me to meetings,there is no way i could not tell her things,it would worry her more,i have tried keeping things from her but she is like a dog with a bone gnawing away till she finds out she is brilliant anyway i ignored the comment and forgot about it,mum and dad went away with my sister and on the day they came back steve ran over there while my sister was there,i did not want steve to go over there but i couldnt physically drag him back,my sister wasent impressed and has ignored my texes phone calls ever since,i didnt think she was being funny,just busy until it dawnes on me yesterday,i asked mum,she didnt want to tell me but she admitted that on the day 3 weeks ago her and mum had words cos she said me and stepdad should be firmer and her and her husband wouldnt put up with it,why do people be so nasty?i dont mind advice,i need advice as you know,i do make mistakes but why fall out with me over it.

 

 

sister no 2 had steve last fri night and he was very abusive to her in front of me when she brought him back,she practically stormed out,i was upset and i text her and said im so sorry,please do not stop coming over,i would miss you,she sent back saying dont be silly,i would never do that,its only steve,see you soon,io thought we was ok,she banned steve from going down there,i understood that,he phoned her to say sorry,i saw her in the week at mums,she was very offish with me,i just thought she was having bad day,then steve saw her up mums today and said hello,she ignored him,he asked her how she was,no answer,then she got up and stormed out,didnt say bye to mum or dad,i wasent there,mum phoned me upset,i know steven did wrong,what am i meant to do?i wonder if they want me to beat him up in front of them,would they feel better then i wonder,where aspergers is concerned i think my sisters are ignorant,selfish and cruel,im annoyed cos i miss them both but steve is my son and i love him dearly,im just gonna put my strong head on and concentrate on the good people i have in my life

[David Matthew Baker]

Sorry to hear things aren't good with some members of your family. I'm sure they're come around eventually. Really though as adults they should be able to understand that your son has problems and be more supportive of him. I doubt if he did anything that is that different from known AS behaviour. It is just a pity most people don't understand the condition better. As for your mum if she is like my gran she'd worry more if she wasn't told about things. She likes to know what is happening too. In the end she has more life experience than any of her children and I'm sure is perfectly able to make her own decisions. That reminds me I need to write to my gran and thank her for an unexpected present. All the best and hope things get better soon, David.

 

EDIT: Changed standard to known as was probably giving the wrong imagery.

Edited March 12, 2007 by David Matthew Baker

[peppa]

oh hun, no advice to add sorry just loads of <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> ,

sounds like your sisters are having trouble differentiating AS behaviours, and are taking things personally instead of trying to understand.

 

As they have been previously supportive maybe it may help to just gen them up again on how this effects your son, sort of a refresher so that they can begin to understand how hard this is for you.

 

Hope things improve in all areas for you xx

[dolly]

Boy hev what a time your having sending you these <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

My sister is not very suportive when it comes to Kofi even though she works in a special school! I think i upset her when she was moaning about work and i pointed out she chose to work with special needs kids i had no choice with kofi and i do it alone 24/7. I have found the only people that understand where im coming from are my friends with kids like ours.

Hope thing get better for you soon

[Clare63]

<'> <'> <'>

Oh Hev, I am sorry to hear about the falling out. I don't think anyone is to blame Its just everyone seems overwhelmed and frustrated about the situation as a close family you are all going to be protective of one another and sometimes it just gets all too much. Steve is their nephew and I am sure they love him deeply, but we are all human and I guess at times they have trouble coping with how they see you treated and are frustrated that the situation can't be resolved. Trouble is you are the one that needs support and its probably very hard for you to see them behaving this way and saying these things, when you have to live this way every day. Your Mum sounds fantastic, she's your Mum and will always be there for you no matter what her age is and I am sure she would not have it any otherway, just like you'll always be therefore Steve.

I hope your sisters come round soon and that you all make it up and then will perhaps have an opportunity to talk and support one another.

Clare x

[hev]

As they have been previously supportive maybe it may help to just gen them up again on how this effects your son, sort of a refresher so that they can begin to understand how hard this is for you.

to be honest peppa they havent been supportive,i sort of knew they disaproved of steves behaviour but i ignored it,as hes getting older his behaviour are getting worse,im not gonna text them,phone them,im fed up of people hurting me,best friend of 13 years done it this year.

 

my theme tune should be "another one bites the dust"!!

[JsMum]

I have to say that with the situation with Sis 2 I have had this with a friend, and I was fuming, its so horrible to ignore a childrens verbal conversations, I have fell out with a few friends and confronted them as they are behaving worse than J and how dare they have a go at other chidrens behaviour when theirs isnt any better?

 

at the end of the day I have to tell myself these are adults and have choices and make their own decisions and have control, our children dont, and we need to support them especailly when even our dearest friends and families dont really understand.

 

its very clear that your sisters are really not excepting his disabilties, and at the end of the day you probably could beat your son black and blue and still continue because they dont learnt by their mistakes like other children.

 

What about a get together with your mum, and your sisters and have a really good chat, maybe give them some information on what it is the difficulties your son has, and that you need your sisters to support you.

 

You do sound like there is a very strong bond their, and your mum and you as well so staying as a strong unit is very important so I would have a little get together and each lay down on the table the issues you all have and try and sort out some form of mutual comprimise.

 

Maybe a written down wants and needs from each other, including the exceptable behaviour that they are expecting from steve and trying to choose some that you know steve could do.

 

I would try and see if something could be worked out and some family support or family councilling to support your sisters as they are probably just very frustrated with the situation you are in with steve as you are their sister too and they may be taking it out on steve as they are very upset that its a really stressful raising him.

 

JsMum

[caren]

<'> <'> <'>

[peppa]

to be honest peppa they havent been supportive,i sort of knew they disaproved of steves behaviour but i ignored it,as hes getting older his behaviour are getting worse,im not gonna text them,phone them,im fed up of people hurting me,best friend of 13 years done it this year.

 

my theme tune should be "another one bites the dust"!!

 

Thats such a shame, i had a friend with dd 6mnths older than my dd, we were very close went everywhere did everything together, but as my dd quirky behaviour became more difficult she's gradually disappeared off the scene, now i dont hear a thing from her. She seemed to find it difficult to be with us when dd had meltdown especially if in public, i get the impression she felt it looked bad on her. Its such a shame when those closest to you aren't supportive.

 

On the other hand my folks have been great and i have some super freinds, it sounds like you have great support in your mum, and were all here to offer support when you need it.

 

I can understand you not wanting to contact them, when our wonderful kids need so much of our energy i dont feel ive any left to be worrying what others think anymore, maybe by this they might realise your'e upset and their lack of support to you, and hopefully things will improve for you.

 

Hope so, xxx

[Cat]

My dad used to say you can pick your friends but you can't pick your family and he was right. Nor can you make anyone understand who does not walk a mile in your shoes. That is why forums like this are so invaluable because we do walk that mile and so understand.

 

I can understand where your sister is coming from re your Mum she is probably worried and wants to protect here. My Mum is also 72 and she would beat me with a big stick if I kept her in the dark about my two sons but I do worry that I add to her load I have no brothers or sisters and I used to feel that I had missed out on a great deal but the way things have turned out in my life I am not so sure. I don't have these problems.

 

My husband however does have a family and some of his family are less than wonderful to my sons. Take today as a for instance. Our youngest had his 10th Birthday and my husbands 'favourite' sister, who sent his 23 year old daughter from his first marriage a wonderful bouquet with floating balloons attached as part of her birthday gift did not even bother to send his son a card. She is certainly not on my list of favourite people.

 

As I said you can pick your family

 

Cat

[forbsay]

Sending you lots of hugs hev <'> <'> <'> <'>

[BusyLizzie100]

<'> <'> <'> <'>

Sorry to hear you're having a hard time, Hev.

<'> <'> <'>

[Bagpuss]

I'm sorry Hev How are things today? Thinking of you <'> <'>

[tmf]

Sorry to hear you are having such a hard time with your sisters.....sending you some of these <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

There behaviour towards both you and your son is disrespectful and they should be ashamed. They should put themselves in our situation who have to cope with it 24/7!!

 

It is your sisters who are gonna make your mum end up ill, not you telling her things, they should grow up and be supportive. It makes me sooooo cross i appreciate they might not fully understand, but if they really wanted to they could. My partners family have been fab. They all looked it up on the web and sent me links, in fact they find it hard to belive he has ASD as his behaviour is spot on when we are out....little do they know its the hard task before hand about rules ect om how to behave!! My family on the ther hand well they try and deal with him as if he were NT and then wonder y......lost count how many times i have tried explaining to them

 

You hit it on the head b4......they may be your sisters, but if thats there attitude you don't need them, its your son that matters the most!

 

As for your mum, sounds like you got one in a million, lucky you!

 

Hope things look up soon.... <'>

[Bambi]

<'> <'> <'> <'> <'> <'> im so sorry this has happened.

 

Bambi x

[louxx]

Hello hev <'>

just wanted to say how sorry i feel for you in this situation. I have heard the words "you need to put your foot down" and "you need to tell him straight" it does my head in and its words you dont want to hear when you feel a failure already. I think your sisters should be giving you good advice and support, and good on your mom for what she does for you, at the end of the day isn't that what families are for, and im sure you would do the same if the tables were turned. Keep smiling, hes your son and you do whats right for him. Its hard work and i really sympathise with you. Take care <'>

loads of hugs

louxx

[reuby2]

Hiya Hev,

I had a major argument with my best friend about a week ago, because she doesn't totally understand (but thinks she does) and is telling me that I need to be firmer and that he does it for my attention. My son is very anxious and has certain rituals on the way to school etc that when he gets nervous he does.At the mo it is running around the slabs in the pavement so many times, when he does this i just wait and this annoyed her.i think she thinks I encourage him and should just walk off and leave him to it.

Anyway we had a major argument because I am trying my very best and don't need her insinuating that I am causing the problems.She does only want to help but unfortunatly people just see the behaviour and then see the parent trying to support and decide it's because the parent is too soft. I have this off my Mum as well. I find my friend and mum get angry/ annoyed at him because they see it makes it hard for me and hubby.

 

I know my Parents and my best friend love my son to pieces and love us too. Try not to be too upset at your sisters, i know it's awful but they are hurting too, perhaps they are frustrated and feel powerless to help.

 

I really hope things improve. <'>

[Paula]

<'> <'> <'>

 

B****ks to them Hev

 

Youve bigger fish to fry and youre son is the most important thing.............

 

 

 

My sister and my family never realy get whats amis with my son...........i dont even bother explaining the ins and outs of his condition to them coz its like banging yer head against a brick wall..I also never bother riseing to any comments they make about how it would all be different if they had him coz i know damn well it wouldnt be any different.........I do what i want to do where brining him ups concerened and they can all go to hell...Its a tough line attitude but it stops yer from getting upset.

 

 

 

You do a great job Hev under very difficult conditions and no bu**er knows what them conditions are actually like cept you.

[mossgrove]

An issue people outside the situation rarely understand is that one of the things about Autism is that the normal 'get tough' discipline based approaches simply do not work, and can make things much worse.

 

Do these poeple think that we are not aware that our children's behaviour can be incredibly challenging or that if it was a simple as imposing a bit of discipline that we might have had the problem sorted years ago?

 

 

Simon

[hev]

thanks you lot <'> <'>

 

my older sister text me 3 times to say im sorry i havent been a good sister lately,i understand if you not talking to me so i think me not getting in touch has made her realise,the other sister also text to see if i want any help with anything you dont reckon theyve had a sneaky look at this site do ya?

 

so we ok again now till the next time i spose

 

paula your replies are so to the point that they cheer me up every time