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~Jonathan~

I hate my life

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When I walk up the street people walk in. People I've spoken to just once don't want to make it a second time. I always say the wrong things even though I try so hard to make things right. I have no friends, no social life, if I could walk into a door and simply cease to exist I would. I bring nothing positive to this world. I have a blazing temper which terrifies people but within that I would never hurt anyone, I just need to release a little pressure from inside and I feel a lot better afterwards. If I was brave enough to kill myself I would but I would probably bodge it and end up a vegetable and right now even though I detest my life and the hard cruel world we live in it still beats total non-existence. I just hate the fact I'm not able to be like others. Even if I walked, talked, wore the same clothes as everyone else, something about me would leak out and I would find myself isolated and ostracised. I started a class of Tai Chi recently to get out and meet people, I was polite and courteous to the people there but by the third week one of the people there made the facial spastic expression with her tongue and lip and stopped talking to me at all. Her friend followed suit. I didn't go back the next week even though I'd forked out for the following month. I came home and told Mum and she sighed and said "not again, why can't you just get on with things instead of always having to cause trouble?" I didn't cause trouble, I guess I just don't act the way I should. I find eye contact near impossible at times, my body language is clumsy and I can't laugh and make small talk like I see everyone else able to. Mum cannot and will not understand me, she thinks it's something I can shake off, she's always saying "I didn't bring you up to behave like this, what's wrong with you? The neighbours all talk about you, it's no wonder you're not liked" etc etc. I've been bullied from the word go and it's still happening now at 33. Everyone hates me. I get called "weirdo" and "freak" and I hate it. I hate living.

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Hi Jonathan,

 

First of all, a big hug to you. It sounds like you are on a real downer ..... remember that is why we are all here - to listen and to support you. Secondly, I bet your mother would be very upset if she were to read your mail - have you tried talking to her?

 

You know, I am really sorry to hear about your experiences with people. It must be v. upsetting to be called such names. These people are narrow minded, bigoted and not worthy of being friendly with.

 

I don't quite know what to write to help. Are there any support groups near you? Is it worth speaking to the club's instructor? Well done on going to the club in the first place - that must have taken some courage. Are there other clubs around?

 

Remember, people here value you, so don't be down ......

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If your near either Oxford or Newcastle there are groups going out from this forum. If your around you could come join us. All are welcome and we cover a wide range of backgrounds. Check out the off topic area of the forum for more info.

 

Whilst you might feel you don't fit in everyone has a place in this world. You just have to find it. I does sound like you have had an unlucky run but there are people out there who are less judgemental and will do their best to help. Especially if they know what problems you face before hand. I would also check out if there are any support groups in your area and perhaps contact the NAS Befriending scheme to see if they run the scheme in your area (check the NAS website or ask and I'll find the link). Hope things improve soon and sorry to hear your on a low. Remember life is always worth living. Everyone goes through hard times but things do improve eventually. Try and cherish the small positives in a day. If you can start to feel more positive it can help influence the world around you. Once again hope things improve for you soon.

 

All the best, David.

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Oh Jonathan,

 

I'm so sorry that you are feeling so down! >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> Reading you post brought tears to my eyes,I imagine that my son could also go through such hard times socially when he grows up. :( Please don't think of killing yourself, even if it's just a thought and you don't mean it (I sincerely hope so !) just because you're fed up with things, in fact you should be angry with the people who have hurt you and not with yourself ! There are fools everywhere in the world and we all get snubbed now and then by some idiot, but that doesn't mean that everybody hates you. Yes, the world can be a cruel place but it can also be a wonderful place and there will be happier times for you. It's very hard to get to meet the right kind of people and believe me, sometimes it's much better to be alone than in bad company. You wouldn't have that awful experience with people in this forum!!. Perhaps you should try to get a diagnosis (I seem to have read in another post that you don't have one, sorry if I'm wrong) and even if there's not much help out there, a dx would give you a reason to expect more understanding from others, including your Mum. Have you tried joining an aspie group? The NAS has details of all the support groups in the country. Have a look at their website. :

 

 

http://www.nas.org.uk/nas/jsp/polopoly.jsp?d=113

 

Hope you feel better soon. Keep posting here, you will find a lot of support. Never never give up!!

 

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> Curra

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Jonathan >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

Not much but believe me they come with a great depth of feeling and emotion. If only I could make you feel better and convince you that it's OK to be you and being just like everyone else is not so crash hot - but like my 10 year old son who just wants friends and to be liked it probably wont help you.

 

I don't want my son to be like the children he would love to play with and be his friends because I don't really like them. I can't understand why people, even children, think that it's OK to hurt people when it's not. I know that my son often feels that I just try and brush aside his problems but that's just me not knowing how to make it right for him and maybe that's part of what is happening with your Mum. If I could stop the world from hurting both of my autistic sons then I would do it in a blink of an eye.

 

I actually like my kids not just love them and I actually have a lot of adult friends who have ASD who I find to be much nicer people than my NT friends. People with AS have no hidden agendas and have traits that society as a whole could well do with adopting.

 

I think that you have a great deal to offer and I have always found your posts to be very informative and worth reading. So you have certainly enriched my life.

 

Cat

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Oh Jonathan >:D<<'> >:D<<'> :(

 

I'm so sorry you are feeling so low >:D<<'>

 

You certainly have a place here, and you're a valued and well-liked forum regular!

 

Take care.

 

Bidx

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Jonathan,

 

I am so sorry to learn of your experiences and how you feeling, like Curra said the world can be a cruel and nasty place, but it can be wonderful and there is a place for us all in it. You sound rock bottom at the moment, maybe you could make an appointment with your GP to say how down you feel. Keeping talking on here and telling us your cyber friends how you are feeling, your plans, your thoughts your dreams, we all care and are here for you. I think its important to let your feeling out, pent up anxiety, frustration etc possible increase your anger. When people are pushed to the edge they appear to flip their character ie from quiet and submissive to their flip side of loud and angry, this is quite normal and I think you have every right to be angry.

 

David mentioned the "meets" in Newcastle or Oxford come along, we are all like minded people whose lives have been touched one way on another by ASD, I believe everyone on this site is accepting and non judgemental.

 

Your Mother obviously finds the situation difficult, perhaps you could print off some info from the internet and just leave it about the house for her to read. I found some good info to give to Grandaparents of Children/People dx with aspergers, it was done in a sort of question and answer format quite easy to read and understand, I have use the info in various situations when people/family/friends etc have questioned or queried my sons behaviour.

 

I hope I have not waffled on about too much rubbish, basically I just want to say I care and wish I could wave a magic wand and make it all better for you.

 

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

Clare x

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Hi everyone >:D<<'>

 

My Mum doesn't get it at all, I tell her and she says she understands but when I next say the wrong thing or have a meltdown, all of that goes out the window and she starts with all the things I mentioned above. I guess she feels she's failed when she sees her 33 year old son without a job, doesn't drive, has no friends or social life and sees that everyone else out there at that age has all those things and more. I wish I could pretend to be 'normal' but I know that's way out of my scope. I am quite close to Oxford, about 25 minutes or so by train but don't want to come back from there on a train as I always get singled out and picked on by groups of young people :(

 

Jonathan.

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Oh Jonathan, Please try to come perhaps one of the guys coming, may well be passing your way and you could come together there no harm in asking have a look at the thread on off topics. I would offer but I am miles away in Surrey. Please keep posting I've been worrying about you the past half hour or so.

Clare x

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I am quite close to Oxford, about 25 minutes or so by train but don't want to come back from there on a train as I always get singled out and picked on by groups of young people :(

 

I believe there are a few people who will be using the train to get to Oxford. You could always arrange to meet up with some others so you are part of a group on the train. The other option might be to give people a rough idea of where you are and see if anyone would be willing to offer you a lift. I do hope things start getting better for you soon.

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I live in Reading but I'm a nightmare to be around, I talk way too much and get on everyone's nerves. I can't tell when someone has paused or stopped talking so often interrupt :(

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Awww Jonathon >:D<<'> >:D< >:D<<'> >:D< >:D<<'>

 

Some people just dont have a clue and they will never understand especially if they are lacking in understanding. Your a very special person with qualities that would put NT people to shame that much i do know and u dont judge anyone what a quality that is!

 

Try to relax and take things in ur stride and NEVER be ashamed of who u are, being special is a gift ;)

 

Bambi x

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I wish I could take this gift back to the store. I'm sorry, this feeling will pass, it always does ..... until the next time that is. I'm not a glowing example of an adult with an ASD and must be upsetting parents of ASD kids here, I don't mean to I just need to say how I'm feeling currently >:D<<'>

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Oh Jonathan, I'm so sorry life is this rough for you at the moment. >:D<<'> >:D<

 

People like the two at your Tai Chi group are despicable and small minded - try to forget about them. There will always be folk who try to single others out and put them down to make themselves feel better.

 

There are good folk out there who will accept you as you are - don't give up looking. And as others have said, we're always around in cyberspace if you need to talk.

 

I know you haven't posted for a bit - good to see you back!

 

K x

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Jonathan, take your time let it pass when it passes and please don't stop telling us how you feel, you won't believe how important it is to express your feeling and we do understand as parents with kids with ASD more than most so this is the best place to say it.

Clare x

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Hi Jonathon

 

>:D<<'> >:D<<'> I have always loved reading your posts. Hang in there. I am sure we all feel like this at times. Its a part of life and growing up. You learn that you cant please everyone and there are simply people that just dont like you, no matter who you are, and for no reason.

 

I read this poem once about living life as an 'apple' is goes on to say there are people in the world that are 'banana's' it basically says through life you are an apple trying to be a banana, and if you try to be this you will never be happy, but you are still a fine apple, it also says there are people in life which there is that simply dont like apples. It then goes on to say you can spend the rest of your life trying to be a banana which is impossible if you are an apple, so you can go on through life with this struggle being beaten up emotionally, or seek again to be the finest apple there ever has been and that is you a very fine apple and there are lots of people who like apples, just seek out trying to be who you are with people like you.

 

Hope this make sense. Are you getting any exercise or doing some weights or hobbies, my son bought some weights from the local sports store and works out with them everyday. This releases happy endorphins and makes you feel wonderfully and lovely, that is why exercise is SO important for your happiness. You will find it will help you relax more too.

 

Just remember other people are doing it hard and are generally private people and need space, respect that and you will go with the flow, reduce your expectations of people and you will find you will be a lot happier.

 

We all think you are pretty awesome and dont you forget that.

 

Love Frangipani you may remember me as Hallyscomet :thumbs:

 

:cheers:

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I think all the parents here realise that their children will have rough patches as adults. They just will do their best to make sure they are as few and far between as possible. Just because your going through a bad patch doesn't mean you are a bad role model. I am sure you have done a lot of good in the past. From others posts you have helped people on here which alone shows that you are worthwhile. Try not to beat yourself up too much because others have not been giving you a fair chance. It is better to say what you need to as well. If you don't let others know how you feel the feelings can end up controlling you. It is good to see you can at least let others know what you feel. That is to be admired. I know a lot of people who would just bottle it all up so they reach a point where they explode (metaphorically speaking). Do try and think about some positives that occur. It does sound like your on a real downer. Can you think of one positive that has happened today. If you can add it to this thread:

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=12083

 

This can help you find a ray of sunshine in what at times can seem a dark and cruel world. It might also be worth adding that you are interested in going to Oxford if you can find someone to help you get there in this thread:

 

http://www.asd-forum.org.uk/forum/index.php?showtopic=12087

 

I just think some people might not read this thread but still might be willing to help. Hopefully we can find a way to get you there. Even some NT people end up talking over others. I know I do it at times. I do hope you can find some real world friends to help you as well though. Always remember though if you need help, advice and support, everyone on here will be here for you. After all it could be us needing the support from you some day. We'd like to think you'd do the same for us. As I sure you would and have. :)

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I like the thought of being an apple and a good one at that :)

 

One good thing that's happened today has been seeing your responses and knowing that people DO care for me >:D<<'>

 

I would willingly do the same for you all :groupwave:

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>:D<<'> >:D<<'> Jonathan >:D<<'> >:D<<'> . You do have friends. You have friends on here, people who like you because of who you are and what you're like. Not nasty individuals who judge you based on a short time of seeing you and not understanding you.

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I live in Reading but I'm a nightmare to be around, I talk way too much and get on everyone's nerves. I can't tell when someone has paused or stopped talking so often interrupt :(

 

 

Jonathan..... well I can tell you for certain that if you come to Oxford for our meet up you'll be in good company.... meaning I can think of at least two of us :ph34r: who are just like that (above quote) :D

 

Not only do I talk none stop and interupt etc.... but my voice gets louder and louder... so I'm constantly being told... to the point that I have people telling me to ssshhhhh.... ALL THE TIME!!!

 

You are who you are Jonathan.... and sod the people who don't accept that... Learn to accept yourself and ###### the rest of them.... You are valued here.... you really and trully are.

 

Flozza >:D<<'>

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You guys are great - I can go to bed now feeling a bit better about myself and the world >:D<<'>

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You are who you are Jonathan.... and sod the people who don't accept that... Learn to accept yourself and ###### the rest of them.... You are valued here.... you really and trully are.

 

Flozza >:D<<'>

 

 

Here Here !

 

(Whoops tried to quote a bit of Flozza post - just trying to say I agree)

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I have read your original post, but not many of the replies yet as I am late logging on tonight and have also been having some problems today..........................so, apologies if what I say has been said before and I am just repeating it...........

 

I am sorry that you are feeling so low an I am sure that you have loads to deal with. I gave no idea how someone with an AS mind functions, but I am parent to an 8 year old and I often try to think about how he is feeling and what has caused the current pronlems we are facing....

 

I dont know what to say to you to be supportive.

 

I understand completely your feelings of being a misfit and being ridiculed/laughed at or ignored. Even as the most positive person, you cant keep taking hits and keep bouncing back.

 

It is really great though that you posted, and that you have expressed all those feelings. As someone who has been through depression, I can only try to imagine how you are feeling and how difficult and heart wrenching it must have been for you to write those words.

 

It sounds as though your mum has not been at all supportive of you, and has not accepted the person that you are,,,,,, I am so sorry for this. Maybe you have not accepted the person who you are either.

 

I dont feel like I am being much help, but I wanted to try. I would hate to think of my son feeling the way that you are feeling, but I fully recognise that it is possible that he will do so.

 

In one of your posts you say you are sorry for writing the way you have because it is not at all what we parents would want to hear/face up to in our own children and their futures.........I absolutely think that you should have posted and please do continue to do so. >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

People will probably already have said this, but you should seek some support from the doctor. Maybe print your post, or parts of it that you need to get the message across.

 

Wish I could help more.......I feel so useless.....I will be thinking of you,

Phoebe

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Hi Johnathan

 

Just read throw the post and replies and just want to say that from what I see the real issue is that society attitudes are the real issue here and its the way others are that is at fault here, not you, sometimes others are just sad and want others to feel that way too, or just to raise their pathetic ego.

 

your not the problem, its others, you are a great person with loads of great ingrediants in you.

 

anyway just want to say good night too, as I am on later here too, clocks going forward it been kind of out of syncs day.

 

your a great person, god bless, see you tomorrow.

 

JsMum

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Hi Jonathan,

 

Reading my previous post again I see that it could be understood that I fear about my son's future. I do, but it's has nothing to do with your post, it's because how society is and the lack of support that there is. I'm sorry if I have upset you with what I wrote, I only wanted to express that I sympathisize with your situation and that you are definitely not the problem. You sound like a wonderful person and if you're chatty you must also be very fun to be with. I am rather quiet and not very good at expressing myself while my son loves to talk a lot and he would probably beat you at nonstop talking if he met you. :lol: I completely understand how you feel being ignored or laughed at by others , it has happened to me a few times too, and you shouldn't blame yourself for it because it's them who are at fault, not you.

I wish I could say something more to be supportive but I can't find the right words. Just remember, you are not a bad model to anyone here, I personally would love to meet you (I don't know if I could go to Oxford as my DS doesn't like going out, if yes, I'll let you know and offer a lift in the car. I think that Reading is in the way)

 

Hope you are feeling better today, >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

Curra

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Hi Jonathan,

 

Hope you are feeling better today. I wanted to cry reading your first post, but i smiled when i scrolled down and saw you were feeling a bit better :D .

 

Just wanted to send you some cyber >:D<<'> >:D<<'> .

 

Loulou xxxxxxxxxxxxxxx

 

ps i am in Reading quite often as my whole family lives there. Next time i'm there, i'll go to the Tai Chi class and trip those ignorant people up :bat: .

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Hi Jonathan

 

Hope you're feeling better today. It's good that you can recognise your dips and know that you'll come out of them, but it's obvious that they hurt like hell when they're happening.

 

I know it's hard to do at the time, but please try to remember how well liked and regarded you are on this forum. It's the outside world that's at fault, not you.

 

Karen

x

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*****Elefans daughter****

 

hi jonathan,

 

i feel a bit like you and i find my life hard to i havent been to school for 12 weeks did you ever not go to school on purpose?

i find it hard talking to people to

i hate living join the club :P

im 10 years old :robbie: robbie is my bunny rabbit

 

*****Elefans daughter****

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Hi Elefans daughter

 

You are so like me I hate talking to people who I dont know or those who dont understand!

Can I join the club? I am sure one day things will get easier for all ASD people and there familys whether familys exceot you or not! But, Elefans daughter if other dont like you, never mind in your life you only need people who love you and accept you! You are loved by many people I am sure

I went to school for the stucture of the lessons!

I knew what was going on but school never helped me at all constantly being kicked out!

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I'm not a glowing example of an adult with an ASD and must be upsetting parents of ASD kids here,

you are in no way upsetting anyone on here jonathan,i would hope that when when my steve gets older he has a forum like this to talk on >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

keep posting on here,it helps so much,wish i had answers for you >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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Hope you've had a better day today. :) If I do come to Oxford I can always come down on the train to Reading especially if we can't work something else out. That way at least you would have company and someone to talk to. :)

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Hi Jonathan,

I just popped in quickly .....late again!! to see how you were doing today. I do hope that you are feeling a little less downtrodden today...........

I have been thinking about you. Do let us know how you are feeling, we can send you lots of cyber hugs!!!!

Phoebe

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>:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

So sorry youre down i often read youre posts and you cme across as a lovley careing young man with lots to offer..

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Hi Jonothan,

 

I'm sorry you're feeling so down at the moment. It is not helpful that your mother is being so negative. I think that most parents here will know better than to say things like that to their children. Is it possible you could find your own place to live? At least then you wouldn't have to deal with her comments on a daily basis.

 

Don't let your personality put you off going to the Oxford meet. Bear in mind it is a meeting for people with, or connected with, autism. Typical autistic behaviours like talking a lot will be expected and accepted. I hope you can sort something out, because it sounds like you could do with something positive to look forward to.

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Jonathan

 

Glad to see you back posting.

 

Sorry you're feeling so low at the moment. You're a good bloke - don't be so hard on yourself. I think we're all prone to that, I certainly am.

 

Your posts are always good to read and we all value you for being you, so no matter how hard you are on yourself we'll all think differently - remember that.

 

Take care.

 

Barefoot

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Thank you everyone for everything you said relating to my initial post, I really and truly appreciate it >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

I've tried sending a reply PM to Clare63 but it tells me that no such member exists :tearful: so I just want to say thanks Clare and no worries about sending me PM's, keep 'em coming is what I say :thumbs:

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Jonathon,

 

I've only just read your post - I don't come on here as often as I used to.

 

Everything you wrote echoes my fears for my daughters' future (she's only 13) - and it makes me so sad. I wish there was something I could write that would make you realise just how much people like you are a godsend to this world.

 

When I look at the world and you see the hurting everywhere, the violence and hatred and unkindness, when I see people I know in my town that are downright 'not nice' and hurtful to other people by 'bullying' of some sort be it physical, verbal or by sending people to coventry by ignorance or spite - and all this by 'normal' people you think!!!!!

 

Sometimes my daughter is so frustrated, anxious, angry etc that I wish to god she was 'normal' and that I could take away her pain, her loneliness, her lack of understanding peoples real intent - and then I look at her with different eyes - I thank god this world has people with ASD/Aspergers etc - her openess in her vunerability that allows her to remain a child as a child - to see the world through naivety - that speaks as they see (ok my daughter can sometimes be very blunt and it can hurt although she says nothing that isn't true) - the total loyalty they have - no backstabbing - not a spiteful bone in their body - no deliberate hurting or spitefullness to alienate children or adults in their school or workplace - their honesty, their trusting that other people speak the truth..................and then I think 'are they such bad qualities to have?'

 

I hope that everyone can find that someone/people that they can connect to - it does help I think when an interest is shared - and I try so hard now to read up on my daughters current interest in japanese anime and the computer games etc that she is 'into' - her little face when she gets the feedback she desperately wants - for someone to talk to about these interests are vital to her at the moment - it can become the highlight or extremely sad note for the day.

 

I'm sure that someone will come along for everyone.

Please take care and chin up (so to speak)

Jb

Edited by jb1964

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