would you give me a pill if it cured my aspergers

[kaz]

Hi all

that was a question my son asked me last night................. if someone out there found a pill that once would make him not have aspergers would i let him have it?

 

What a hard question to answer and in 5 second of thinking time as well.......... Daniel need to know right away. I said no i would not let him have it (selfish maybe) and my reasons why, where

 

If i let im take this pill he would no longer be my Daniel, as it would take away all the trait and quirks that he has because of aspergers the things that make me wanna kill him and the things that make me love him so much i am sure my heart will burst!!!

 

I am not sure if this is the right answer or not or even if there is a right answer

 

Daniel said if he could he would as he hates not understanding when people tease and call him names for a joke and other things that he knows he does differntly from other children

 

It was a question thats had me pondering since he asked me just wondering what others might think........ as i hate pondering things like this alone

[nellie]

Kaz

 

You are not alone, we are all here.

 

A good question. Well done Daniel. I thought your answer was lovely.

 

I am sure I read somewhere that the majority of adults with Asperger syndrome ( I think it was about 90% ) would rather remain as they are. My husband 52, diagnosed asperger, has said he would not like to be neuro-typical. So maybe Daniel could hold on to the hope that life will get better as his understanding improves and he learns strategies to overcome his difficulties. I don't suppose it's much comfort to Daniel at the moment though.

[kaz]

Hi Nelli

Thank you for the reply it made both me and Dans smile as i had showen him what I had written it, lets hope that some day he will feel the way your husban feels now.

I had also shown my 11 year old daughter it as well and asked her the question dans had asked me and her reply was..................... " Mum we could not do that to Dans as then he would just be a normal boring person and wheres the fun in that!"

I know its hard on the girls at times but it is nice to know that they love there brother for who his is not what his is

[nellie]

Kaz

 

You might find the following site helpful. It is Jim Sinclair's site, you might find his article "Don't mourn for me" interesting.

 

 

http://web.syr.edu/~jisincla/

[kaz]

hi nelli

I could not se the site that you menat could you please send it again

many

thanks Karen xx

[kaz]

sorry about the spelling its bad enough on a good day but when i am tired my 8 year old spells better tham me

[nellie]

Sorry about that Kaz,

 

try - http://web.syr.edu/~jisincla

 

This should work.

 

Nellie.

[kaz]

HI nelli

I have just looked at that site you recomended and i am lost for words ( in a good way) talk about making you feel humble and blessed at the same time.

 

The don't mourn for me was one of the most powerful things i have read and it made me feel even happier that i had told Daniel "no" when he asked me that question.

 

Like most others who have to deal with an apsergers child/adult every day, i do get tired and run down, i do feel and say "way me" and at times i do take it out on Daniel. I know this is not right and this is not how it should be, but at times it is hard not to as you get so frustrated.

 

If this site did anything it makes you sit back and think not "why me" but "what can i do to help him get though this" it makes you think that the things that we all take for granted and find normal he doesn't, he does not see what he does as wrong but the way we do things as wrong.

 

Do i mourn for the son i should have had, i don't know as i never had him to mourn for.

 

But i do know that for each time i sit and think "why me" there is loads more times when i sit and thank god for giving me Daniel, the child that can make me smile cry and want to scream out loud

 

Daniel knows i write on here and i have even shown him most of the things i have posted and the replys we have had, after reading some of these he said

 

" Mum i know what i am going to do when i am older. I am going to help children cope with aspergers" in hindsight it might be better if Daniel teacher parents and carers with how to cope with aspergers!

 

love karen x

[nellie]

Kaz

 

I'm glad you eventually found the site and found it helpful.

 

Do I mourn for the son I should have had? Yes, if I am honest I do. Am I glad I have the son I have? Yes, of course I am. I have yet to meet someone on the autist spectrum who is vain, vindictive, spiteful or greedy. They are nice people, very nice people. They just think differently. Yes, they drive us mad, and we get upset, angry and frustrated - just like them!

Daniel sounds like a great lad, so you must be doing something right. You must be very proud of him.

 

Nellie.

[kaz]

Just had to tell you all just how proud i am of Daniel tonight............. after nearly no sleep last night, as it was his first day back after being ill on friday........ and the fact that he was so scared of the BCG skin test he was going to have today i really did not think he would go into school when i drove him there this morning, all he could say was mum stay by the phone because if i don't like it i am calling you and you better come get me.

 

So i stayed in today and waiting for the phone to ring and it never happened, picked Daniel up from school this afternoon and asked him how it went his reply was " It was EASYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYYY mum" two weeks of worry untold sleepless night but he got though it........ just got to do it all over again for the real BCG next week if he need it.

 

Thats my boy

[Elefan]

Nice one!!! Hope the luck holds!

 

 

Elefan

[Elefan]

Hi All,

 

What if the question was, 'Would you give me a pill if it would reduce my anxieties and therefor maybe prevent some of my rages (but fundementally leaving me the same person as I am)?'.

 

Sorry, I know that is an awful and personal question, but would value your opinions and thoughts.

 

 

Thanks.

 

Elefan

xx

[kaz]

Hi,

if that had been the question that Daniel had asked my then the reply would have been YES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

no question about it anything that would make Daniels life easier then i would have no resevation about it at all

 

As long as in the end he was still the Daniel i love

 

Karen xx

[nellie]

What if the question was 'Would you give me a pill that would make EVERYONE around me understand me, which in turn would allow me to function better'?

[nellie]

.........afterall I am expected to understand them!

[kaz]

then the answer would be the same YES as right now anything that would make his life easier would be good

[Elanor]

What if the question was, 'Would you give me a pill if it would reduce my anxieties and therefor maybe prevent some of my rages (but fundementally leaving me the same person as I am)?'.

 

 

This is basically what I've done with my son (age 9). Medicating your child, bearing in mind all the risks of side-effects, is a really painful decision. So far its been the right decision - for him, his siblings, and his parents. He's not only happier and calmer, he's also better able to learn coping strategies. Its given us a space to make some progress - we hope its temporary medication, but permanent progress.

 

Without the constant rages, or risk of rages, my son is much more 'himself' - the real boy is shining through.

 

Elanor

[Jericho]

Would I give my son/husband a pill if it would take away their Aspergers? I asked my husband about this and his reply was "No, but I'd give the rest of the world a pill if it would make them think like an AS person: No hidden meanings. No deceit. No more being expected to lie when someone asks you a straightforward question.

 

D is too young to ask but I think he would probably agree.

[Helen]

I wouldn't give my son Daniel a pill that could cure his AS.

 

I asked him if he would take such a pill and he immediately said "No! What do I want to take a pill for? I'd be like everyone else then! I like being me...

 

I asked my husband the same question and his reply was quite simply "no" - even though there have been times that I would have liked my husband to have taken such a pill! I suppose if I was compatible with the t.v. remote control, he'd have put me 'on mute' on numerous occasions!

 

My father definitely wouldn't take the miracle pill, as he can't think of any better way to be.

 

Would I give the pill to my father -in-law? Most definitely, even if I had to hold him down and ram it down his throat!!!

 

Helen

[Elefan]

Would I give the pill to my father -in-law? Most definitely, even if I had to hold him down and ram it down his throat!!!

 

Thanks for the chuckle first thing in the morning!!!!

 

Elefan

[bid]

Hi everyone,

 

My son at nearly 15 is older than a lot of your children, and younger than the AS adults mentioned.

 

If I asked him this question now he would say "yes". He hates having AS. He hates being different, hates being crippled by anxiety to the point of self-harm, hates feeling that he "always gets everything wrong" (his words), hates not understanding what is going on.

 

I'm not sure what his reply would have been when he was younger, or what he might say when he is an adult.

 

To be completely honest, at this stage in his life, I would say "yes", too. I would do anything to stop my son hating himself as he does now, and I also find it devastating to catch glimpses of the man he could have been without AS (as I do very, very rarely when we are alone together and he is completely relaxed).

 

I know what I have written is not how many of you feel. But I can only write from my experience of having to watch my son struggling with AS.

 

Bid

[Helen]

Hi Bid,

 

I'm truly sorry for all the AS individuals who aren't able to cope in their everyday life - Bid, I can't even begin to imagine what your son, you and Jester are going through - you really do have my utmost respect.

 

Daniel doesn't exhibit these detrimental issues that you speak of. If I were in your position, I too would ensure that Daniel had the miracle pill - without doubt.

 

My kindest regards, Helen x

[nellie]

Bid

 

I am really sorry that you have to watch your son suffer like this. I think my son suffered misery for most of his childhood, he was constantly anxious. It is very painful to watch children suffer without being able to take that suffering away.

 

I think at the time I would have given him the bottle of pills. Now, no I wouldn't give him a pill, his anxiety is under control most of the time by the structure and support he has. He has qualities that I would not want him to lose.

 

Bid, I really hope things improve soon for your son and your family, hang on in there, you are doing a great job.

 

Nellie. <'>

[pookie170]

I must be honest here-(In true AS style- no lies, deceit, hiding things!! )

If I could, I would.

Very selfish of me, but like Bid, I sometimes see the boy he'd be minus Asperger's....and it makes my heart ache with grief.

I'm actually finding it very difficult to write this without blubbing, but I do mourn for the son I thought I'd have.

I resent the other parents who have Neuro Typical kids, and wish quite often Caghal was NT too....He's such a great kid with the AS, I wouldn't change the essential Caghal, but I would whisk away many of his AS traits if I could.

Some of it's being selfish, but.. Because of AS, I know Caghal is confused as to why his NT peers don't want to play with him, why some of them bullied him.....

I know that because of AS, the world often scares him....

I know that because of AS, other people don't understand him and he's treated differently, sometimes shunned.....

And I would change that in a heartbeat.

I'm often terrified of what the future holds for him. Will he experience feelings of self-loathing like Bid's young man? Will avenues he wants to explore(eg.jobs)be closed to him?

I don't want him to be alone in later life. He needs interaction, but will the world let him have much of that?

I hope he emerges into adulthood as confident and and happy with himself as Helen's Daniel, or Jericho's husband.

I also hope I make my peace with this soon, 'Don't Mourn for Us' was very moving and an inspiration. I think I'm getting there, I love both my sons equally, AS and NT, and I'm glad I've got them. I don't spend my life thinking'what if' and 'why', and go about with a face like a bulldog chewing a wasp....

Just from time to time, it makes me feel rather blue.....

Esther x

[pookie170]

On a cheerier, more positive note, I'd keep the pattern-drawing obsession!!!

They're fabulous to see!

Maybe he'll become a famous and wealthy abstract artist and keep his dear mother in the style to which she wishes she was accustomed!!

Esther x

[Gordie]

If I could take a pill, I would - no doubt about it.

 

I might not have done pre-16, before my depression started to kick in, but I certainly would since then, and I certainly would now.

 

James

[bid]

Hi all,

 

Well, I asked my son this question this morning...and promptly dug myself into a bottomless pit!!

 

His first reaction was to ask if there was a pill, so I started to explain that this is an imaginary situation (and I began to feel things going very, very wrong!). Undetered, I promptly confused the situation more by comparing the question to that old dilemma: if you pressed a button that made someone on the other side of the world die, would you press it? (You can probably tell that this was not my finest hour when it comes to explaining something to someone with AS!!! ) Twenty tortuous minutes later I just begged him to forget everything I had been saying!!

 

Then he had a panic that I was going to put him in a drug trial!! (By this point I wished I had never started the whole thing!!)

 

Back(ish) on track, I asked him again. He said "no", because everything would change! Then I said what if the pill just took away the bad bits?? "Yes, no, I don't know!!"

 

After I had tottered off to lie down in a darkened room, I decided that he probably means that he would take a pill if it took away the bad bits, but that he would still want to be "him". Which is what I mean, too!

 

Phew!

 

Bid

[vastsarah]

if given the choice ,i would give harry a pill to stop the AS plus another one for the ADHD.after last week when his sister who is in his class was asked to a party along with every other child apart from harry, then was TOLD by the birthday girl that her mum thinks he is "nuts"

i think i would do nearly any thing to get him acepted

from vastsarah

[pookie170]

he probably means that he would take a pill if it took away the bad bits, but that he would still want to be "him". Which is what I mean, too!

Precisely!!!

Esther x

[kaz]

Hey all.

Its weird seeing this topic being used again as daniel asked me the question so long ago.

 

I am still say that i wouldn't. But if you asked me again on a bad day the answer would be yes. for the whole family.

 

aybe its just as well that there is not a magical pill out there or you would have loads of torn parents

 

Karen xx

[lisa]

after last week when his sister who is in his class was asked to a party along with every other child apart from harry, then was TOLD by the birthday girl that her mum thinks he is "nuts"

Vastsarah,

 

This is one of the things that I have found really hard over the years. As many of you know I have twins who are in the same class. Things are a bit better now because at 10 a lot of kids don't have parties or just have 2 friends to sleepover or something but when Jack was younger this happened a few times where the whole class would be invited to a party but not Jack. Unfortunately Lucy would miss out on these occasions because there was no way that I was going to drop her off at a party and "rub Jack's nose in it". Lucy has always been very popular and this often highlighted Jack's social problems. I have stood in the playground and heard other children asking their mums if Jack could come to play and the look of horror and embarrassment on their mums faces, almost dragging their kids away. All they saw was at 3.30pm this "wild child" tearing around the playground like a lunatic, climbing the fence and generally attracting disapproving looks. It used to really upset me but thankfully he is older now and it's not such a problem.

 

Lisa

[pookie170]

I think many of us have been there, Lisa. In fact, there was a topic about this titled Asda advert, can't remember which section it was in.

It's that kind of thing you wish you could magically fix for them, isn't it? Mind you, I do thank my lucky stars with Caghal, he's not really that severely affected and at least he's healthy. If someone had asked me whether I'd rather have my boy with AS or a very poorly child, I think I'd stick with what I've got , thanks very much. He's my wee buddy, and that's all that matters.

And Vastsarah, what a nasty thing for that little toad to say to your Harry. How lovely of her mother to promote acceptance and understanding in her offspring...

Grrrr.....

Never mind, tell him I would have invited him! In fact, at Caghal's last party, out of the 10 kids he picked from his class, 5-6 of them had ADHD,ADD or some similar condition!!! That was SOME party, as in addition there was also Caghal(naturally!), my friend's autistic daughter and my wee cousins, who are loveable but wild!!!

I slept like the dead that night!!!

Esther x

[Guest master yoda]

If there was a magic pill I could take to free me from the shackles of Aspergers I thought at first 'I'd take it tomorrow'. But then again, I'm not so sure. Now the trouble with that is that it'd mean that okay, I wouldn't seem so thick, dreamy and gullible to talk to and socially I'd be a far happier person if I didn't feel so awkward with people. The downside is I'd lose what I like to call the 'perks'. My oh so annoying photographic memory. I can remember insane little details about the colour shoes I wore when I was 2, but can't remember where I left the car keys half hour ago. I have an IQ of 156, but it is of little use in the academic structure of this country and just plain irritating in the world of work-nobody likes a 'knowitall'; that or I lose interest and struggle badly if it doesn't satisfy my need to be totally interested in something to function productively.

It's a hard one, because I could not imagine me being me if I was didn't have these attributes-the effect it has had on my family is so profound that there really is no way of knowing what life would have been like for any of us. History would have to be completely re-written if there were no Aspergers people out there methinks.

[mossgrove]

My oh so annoying photographic memory.  I can remember insane little details about the colour shoes I wore when I was 2, but can't remember where I left the car keys half hour ago.  I have an IQ of 156, but it is of little use in the academic structure of this country and just plain irritating in the world of work-nobody likes a 'knowitall'; that or I lose interest and struggle badly if it doesn't satisfy my need to be totally interested in something to function productively.

 

That could be me talking !

 

I have been watching this thread for and while there is a temptation to something that could 'make it all go away', if Jack took such a pill he would be someone else after taking it and no longer Jack. And, despite the issues, I wouldn't swap him for anyone else, so I would have to say no.

 

Simon

[niki]

nope definatly not i think i would lose my little "comerade"!

[pookie170]

Oooohh, I guess so.

You guys have made me think REALLY hard about this one.....my brain is under stress here, I hope you know what you've done to me!!!

I just wish I could take all the bad bits away for my son. I don't like seeing him hurt and confused.......

I think I'm still struggling with the child he'll never be here. I have changed a lot of my hopes for him (They're no less lofty, just different!! ) and I love him with all my heart.....I just want to take the bad stuff away, that's all.

But, Master Yoda and all are right, he wouldn't be my Caghal, I guess. And history certainly would be different if AS wasn't around.....

Still, if the pill ever became a reality, I think I'd probably go for it.....

No, I think I'd wait till my son was old enough to decide for himself!!

Esther x

[MarknotGeorge]

I think I would. I've often wondered about how life would be if I'd got a proper job after Uni, rather than McDonalds. Not being able to do interviews sucked, and to be honest, so does not being able to read people and deal with so-called banter.

 

I know that K keeps telling me she wouldn't change me at all. Maybe she's worried that a NT me wouldn't look twice at her, but all my daydreams about alternate futures since meeting her have been twisted to include her.

[Guest hallyscomet]

Hi

 

My son is 18 and if I asked him this question his answer would be yes. We have tried every method to avoid medication but my sons doctor told him that he simply needs them 365 days a year

 

My son thanks me often for keeping the appointments with the doctor when the medication starts to stop working at age 12 things went completley off the rails when he reached puberty age 12 and he was able to tell me how much medication helped him communicate better with people so he didnt have meltdowns and get violent and punch people who would tease him. We tried all the diets and therapys he was on these programs for 5 years none of them change my boys life or ability to live life.

 

Medication helped my son into the mainstream and to make friends, without them he couldn't do any of these, and these really mattered to him, to feel like he fitted in to feel accepted. To feel comfortable in his own skin.

 

Like Bids son, my boy would say yes and so do I, as I see how much happier he is and he is able to behave like an 18 year old with medication, without medication he behaves like a 5 year old and a happy drunk, a child at risk to himself.

 

Some children are so mild in their nature, they can go without medication, not my boy, unfortunately.

 

But he is the best son in the world and I tell him that every day and he tells me that I am the best mum in the world. So in our situation we are both happy

 

REgards

Hailey <'>

[lindy-lou]

i would give it to india,i dont want her to have AS and if she didnt have to have it i would chose for her not to have it.

[LizK]

Really interesting thread and something I've thought a lot about. I don't know what my answer would be. Last month when we were struggling with hyperactivity, silly behaviour and lots of anxiety yes, this week when he's been much calmer and more like the child he was 6 mths ago maybe no. I'd definitely give a pill to reduce his hyperactivity (?ritalin!!)If there was a pill that would correct his speech delay and reduce the anxieties and processing problems that cause him such distress and impair his life then yes but I wouldn't want to take away his funny quirks and ways of doing things because that is him. When he is calmer I see the child beneath, a sweet loving different child whom I wouldn't change at all and I mourn for this child when he gets overtaken by hyperactivity. But can you really pick and choose, just have the good parts of ASD and not the bad? Either you have it all or not.

 

Lx