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Frangipani

Son obsessed about a career

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Hi,

 

At logger heads with my son, he is refusing to do anything but work out and train for the SAS he is obsessed with the Program NCIS and he even has his hair cut like a marine. He says he wants to go to Iraq.

 

Mainly pushing the point of either joining the Army and or the SAS Special Air Service, we have had this conversation with his Paediatrician and he advised him that it would not be an option for him and tried to advise him he had many things he was much better at than to do something like this.

 

Now he wants to go into it as he thinks it will help him be disciplined and will be able to come of his medications, even though I have had second and third opinions from five of the top specialists, they all say he will need to be on meds for life.

 

I know if he misses a tablet he has the mental capacity of a five year old, and the wiring comes completely undone, you cant have a conversation with him and he is in his old little world and the behaviour is heartbreaking. My daughter and I were sitting in my office and he came in this condition not having had his meds and he says and does things like a four year old, my daughter looked at me and I just gave him a big hug and said 'who is the best son in the world' my daughter looked back at me almost with tears in her eyes communicating, I truly get it. Its really sad seeing him like this.

 

I would love to see him off his meds and trying some of these things but five specialists have told me his future. I am just wishing there was something I could do.

 

His doctors and teachers have basically told me to take my hands off the steering wheel and just let him work through some of his feelings and emotions.

 

Unfortunately, at the moment all he does is watch these downloads of tv programs he manages to get season upon season of these types of shows and obsessively watches them over and over. He so wants to be like these people in NCIS he insisted I cut his hair like the guy with grey hair I think his name is Agent Gibbes now hes gone all out like a marine.

 

How do you let them down gently.........this will never be.........!!!!!

 

:(

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>:D<<'> Frangipani >:D<<'> your heart just breaks for them doesnt it?

No easy answers I'm afraid, just hope he finds something else he can do well & enjoy.

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>:D<<'> Frangipani >:D<<'> your heart just breaks for them doesnt it?

No easy answers I'm afraid, just hope he finds something else he can do well & enjoy.

 

 

Sure does break your heart :( I would love to encourage him to follow his dreams, thats all I can do Pearl; is to hope he finds something else he can do well and enjoy. Just waiting patiently, stepping back like the doctor and teachers advised. Its a hard thing to do....... :(

 

>:D<<'>

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>:D<<'> >:D<

 

I suppose to a certain extent he has to find out for himself what his limits are. But it must be very hard as a mum to draw back and watch - I'm struggling with this one myself! I think young people have a natural disregard anyway for anything parents might suggest and don't really listen to warnings or advice, so there's not a lot we can do.

 

I hope your son finds a way of using his interests creatively in a way that works for him.

 

K x

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>:D<<'> >:D<

 

I suppose to a certain extent he has to find out for himself what his limits are. But it must be very hard as a mum to draw back and watch - I'm struggling with this one myself! I think young people have a natural disregard anyway for anything parents might suggest and don't really listen to warnings or advice, so there's not a lot we can do.

 

I hope your son finds a way of using his interests creatively in a way that works for him.

 

K x

 

Its very very hard to draw back and watch. I am afraid how this finding his limits will affect his self esteem. Like you say keep focussed and remain positive that they will touch onto to something that is using their interests and creativity where it works for them. He just hasnt found that yet, I remain hopeful that something good will happen. I keep saying "Its ALL good" just have to be patient. Have faith. Keep believing.....!!!!!

 

>:D<<'> :)

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I'm lucky that J is pursuing IT as a career which he is v suited to (check out my posts if you want the whole grisly saga so far). Would it be poss for your son to do his military type stuff on a voluntary basis, dont know what they have over there but they have cadets etc here, so he could get it out of his system in an alternative way? Just a thought.

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I'm investigating whether the Atomic Weapons Establishment is a good place for people with AS. They claim on their website that they accept people regardless of disability.

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Would it be poss for your son to do his military type stuff on a voluntary basis, dont know what they have over there but they have cadets etc here, so he could get it out of his system in an alternative way? Just a thought.

 

That's a great idea actually. A friend of mine has a 19 year old son with AS and dyspraxia and he has been in the Sea Cadets for two years and really enjoys it.

 

K x

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Thank you Pearl, Kathryn & Canopus.

 

I will make some enquiries, even go and see his Paediatrician alone. Its very disheartening when I speak with his Paediatrician as his conclusions about B are very limited about how he will get on in society and how society will accept him.

 

Regardless of what the doctor says, I need to keep an open mind, because sometimes doctors get it wrong. Maybe cadets could be a great thing, they may bring out the best in B.. he may get some good role models out of it, thats what he loves about NCIS he see's the discipline and working together he feels he needs that in his life. He sees what he calls the brothership, they look out for each other in his words.

 

Thanks again for your posts, I will look into this. I am interested Canopus in what you find out too. :)It could be the start of something really good for B.. at the end of the day I just want to see him happy and embracing life. :thumbs: Yes he is very dependent on his meds but their may be a loop hole, even his IT skills could be utilised.

 

Thanks again, & Regards

Frangipani :thumbs:>:D<<'>

Edited by Frangipani

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Its very very hard to draw back and watch. I am afraid how this finding his limits will affect his self esteem. >:D<<'> :)

 

Hi F - I'm a bit late to this one and see scrolling down you've already found some helpful advice, but I just wanted to add on the above that his self esteem has to be in balance with his skills, otherwise he will always be judging himself negatively. Self-esteem arises from being happy with who you are - warts and all, and while that shouldn't stop you from having goals/expectations in life those goals/expectations do have to be achievable.

I think if it is a possibility the cadets you mention could be a really good idea, if he could find a role within that group that would prove positive for his self esteem. If that role didn't satisy him though, and there was no other role available, it could make the situation worse. Hope you can find something that fits the bill...

L&P

BD :D

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Good luck with the voluntary stuff Frang, hope you find something suitable for him. J does tae kwon do, I know its not military but its v disciplined & ideal for asd peeps as so structured with a clear moral code, he absolutely adores it & self esteem has shot up.

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Thanks all >:D<<'> I will tread carefully, self esteem hangs in the balance, thats for sure :tearful:

 

Anything better than just stagnating...... thats what he is doing at the moment :(

 

Fingers crossed. :thumbs:

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Hi,

 

At logger heads with my son, he is refusing to do anything but work out and train for the SAS he is obsessed with the Program NCIS and he even has his hair cut like a marine. He says he wants to go to Iraq.

 

Mainly pushing the point of either joining the Army and or the SAS Special Air Service, we have had this conversation with his Paediatrician and he advised him that it would not be an option for him and tried to advise him he had many things he was much better at than to do something like this.

 

Now he wants to go into it as he thinks it will help him be disciplined and will be able to come of his medications, even though I have had second and third opinions from five of the top specialists, they all say he will need to be on meds for life.

 

I know if he misses a tablet he has the mental capacity of a five year old, and the wiring comes completely undone, you cant have a conversation with him and he is in his old little world and the behaviour is heartbreaking. My daughter and I were sitting in my office and he came in this condition not having had his meds and he says and does things like a four year old, my daughter looked at me and I just gave him a big hug and said 'who is the best son in the world' my daughter looked back at me almost with tears in her eyes communicating, I truly get it. Its really sad seeing him like this.

 

I would love to see him off his meds and trying some of these things but five specialists have told me his future. I am just wishing there was something I could do.

 

His doctors and teachers have basically told me to take my hands off the steering wheel and just let him work through some of his feelings and emotions.

 

Unfortunately, at the moment all he does is watch these downloads of tv programs he manages to get season upon season of these types of shows and obsessively watches them over and over. He so wants to be like these people in NCIS he insisted I cut his hair like the guy with grey hair I think his name is Agent Gibbes now hes gone all out like a marine.

 

How do you let them down gently.........this will never be.........!!!!!

 

:(

 

 

I dont think you can let him down gently. But I am pretty much sure that no British armed forces will take him with a dx of ASD. If he is into that style of life, have you thought about the Cadets for him, or maybe even martial arts? My son and daughter (and me!)do Karate, they are both on the spectrum, son at the high end, daughter in the middle. Its very heavy on self control and dicipline. My son has LOTS of severe challenging behaviour, and while he is still the most challenging in his karate class, the sensei (teacher) has done wonders with him. My son loves it, and if he behaved as well at school as he does in his karate class then we would have no worries!

 

Sarah

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I dont think you can let him down gently. But I am pretty much sure that no British armed forces will take him with a dx of ASD. If he is into that style of life, have you thought about the Cadets for him, or maybe even martial arts? My son and daughter (and me!)do Karate, they are both on the spectrum, son at the high end, daughter in the middle. Its very heavy on self control and dicipline. My son has LOTS of severe challenging behaviour, and while he is still the most challenging in his karate class, the sensei (teacher) has done wonders with him. My son loves it, and if he behaved as well at school as he does in his karate class then we would have no worries!

 

Sarah

 

Thanks Sarah >:D<<'> I like these ideas and deep down I think he just needs to be in an environment where he feels good about himself. He did Tae kwon do as a child but I pulled him out because in those early days his ASD and gross motor skill problems were drawing a lot of attention and I felt sad for him. Now that he is older I believe he will find more success at it. I will make some enquiries and just get some brochures and leave them around the house and see if he takes the bait. He hates it if he thinks I am trying to rail road him into any activities, call this slight manipulation. :thumbs: anything to get him out of his room, all attempts at going back to college and finishing his IT Certificate have failed, he has flatly lost interest as so far he has attempted it over 3 years and doesnt stay long enough to complete the Certificate.

 

Doctors and teachers advised me to take my hands off the steering wheel, which I have done for the past 3 months but I was hoping he would go back second term and he has advised me that he flatly refuses and intends on getting fit to go into the SAS, or Army and he said he doesnt want me to interfere.

 

I think like you and the others have suggested, Karate or Cadets or Tae kwon do could be like 'diversional therapy', being involved in some activities like these may lift his spirits again and when you are feeling good about yourself, you make better decisions about your life.

 

So thankyou everyone, will keep you posted. :thumbs: I feel a lot better having a backup plan. Thanks a million. :notworthy:>:D<<'>

 

Sarah and Pearl welcome to the forum, havent spoken with you before, you have certainly come to the right place for support and fellowship as there are many people on here willing to help or have a laugh with. The ASD world used to be quite lonely until I found this place. :D

 

F xx

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Aah thanks for the welcome Frangi, I've only been here a few weeks but wish I'd found it years ago. I feel like the entire autistic community is cheering us on as J goes through his apprenticeship interviews!

 

He's got to a blue belt in tae kwon do in just over 18 months, I have never seen him so focused & dedicated before, the clear structure, progression & rules really appeal to him. Plus it looks v good on his cv as its a concrete example of how he can progress & stick at something.

 

It also gives him a social life, like many of our children he has no special friends but tae kwondo, church & youth group give him a means of socialising which is all to the good.

 

Good luck hon - keep us posted how you both get on xx

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Aah thanks for the welcome Frangi, I've only been here a few weeks but wish I'd found it years ago. I feel like the entire autistic community is cheering us on as J goes through his apprenticeship interviews!

 

He's got to a blue belt in tae kwon do in just over 18 months, I have never seen him so focused & dedicated before, the clear structure, progression & rules really appeal to him. Plus it looks v good on his cv as its a concrete example of how he can progress & stick at something.

 

It also gives him a social life, like many of our children he has no special friends but tae kwondo, church & youth group give him a means of socialising which is all to the good.

 

Good luck hon - keep us posted how you both get on xx

 

Thanks for that Pearl, will watch out for you too. xx

 

Sorry I took a while to get back, got caught up on another topic.

 

:thumbs:>:D<<'>

 

Fran xx

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Thanks Sarah >:D<<'> I like these ideas and deep down I think he just needs to be in an environment where he feels good about himself. He did Tae kwon do as a child but I pulled him out because in those early days his ASD and gross motor skill problems were drawing a lot of attention and I felt sad for him. Now that he is older I believe he will find more success at it. I will make some enquiries and just get some brochures and leave them around the house and see if he takes the bait. He hates it if he thinks I am trying to rail road him into any activities, call this slight manipulation. :thumbs: anything to get him out of his room, all attempts at going back to college and finishing his IT Certificate have failed, he has flatly lost interest as so far he has attempted it over 3 years and doesnt stay long enough to complete the Certificate.

 

Doctors and teachers advised me to take my hands off the steering wheel, which I have done for the past 3 months but I was hoping he would go back second term and he has advised me that he flatly refuses and intends on getting fit to go into the SAS, or Army and he said he doesnt want me to interfere.

 

I think like you and the others have suggested, Karate or Cadets or Tae kwon do could be like 'diversional therapy', being involved in some activities like these may lift his spirits again and when you are feeling good about yourself, you make better decisions about your life.

 

So thankyou everyone, will keep you posted. :thumbs: I feel a lot better having a backup plan. Thanks a million. :notworthy:>:D<<'>

 

Sarah and Pearl welcome to the forum, havent spoken with you before, you have certainly come to the right place for support and fellowship as there are many people on here willing to help or have a laugh with. The ASD world used to be quite lonely until I found this place. :D

 

F xx

 

 

My son's motor skills leave alot to be desired! Though I have to say, that he has made more progress in the 2.5 years of doing karate than he made in 8 years of physiotherapy! He's now a purple belt and is determined to reach black belt by the time he is 14 in 3 years time. My daughter has mild cerebral palsy as well as global delay and autism, she took her first belt at karate 2 months ago. She does get ALOT of leeway from her sensei, its quite impossible for her to be graceful! But she went 3 times a week for 10 months and managed to learn her first kata (routine) and passed her first belt. Usually it takes kids about 6 weeks to learn the first one, but she kept at it and did it eventually.

 

I think the diversional therapy idea is a good one, it works for my son anyway. The exercise side of things lifts his spirits (endorphins are wonderful things!), and its good he has something to feel good at. Course the dicipline side of things helps too LOL! I Have to do the gentle manipulation thing too. My son is NOT open to suggestion at all. Even if we buy a film we know he will love, if we just give it him it will never get watched. We have to put it on and then call him into the room to ask him something totally unrelated just to get him in the room, its only then he will notice what is on the TV and will generally watch it!

 

Devious ###### arent we?!

 

Sarah

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just a note of positivity here frangipani

 

as you well know phas jr has come a long way over the years, from a non verbal meltdown machine to the lovely young man he is today

 

he is holding down a job[ 15hrs+pw] whilst continuing with his studies. doing 5 A levels, learning to drive and last week used public transport for the first time after announcing that he wanted to go to our nearest large town[20 miles], on the train, to go to the cinema and he wanted to do it on his own :unsure: [admittedly my nails where chewed to the elbows whilst he did this] and he came home on a packed commuter train :notworthy: he even spoke to a complete stranger, had a panic attack while doing it but did it[driver announced next stop liverpool st, missing out the town he wanted panic set in]. ok he didnt speak for two days after but he did it :thumbs:

 

his self esteem would have been done far more harm if we had said no you cant do that, therefor instilling in him that it was something he couldnt do, perhaps ever, than letting him try to do it. i guess what im trying to say is that there comes a time when we have to stop protecting and start letting them fly, under guidance surely, but fly anyway. sometimes they crash but sometimes they soar too. it hurts us more than it does them to watch them fail but its all a learning curve, hey we wouldnt be walking if our parents never let us take a few falls along the way would we?

 

try cadets or marshal arts, maybe see if you can get him into more disciplined sports too, see if he can burn some of that excess energy. when he comes old enough then let him try out, if they wont accept him, as in UK, then he will probably take it easier from them, as he understands there is a criteria and formal process to go through, than from you or the dr, who after all he probably sees as those 'keeping' him medicated against his will. let him have the haircut, its doing no harm and its making him feel good about himself, while you concentrate on the bigger things

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I think applying to cadets would be a good idea. Lot of young adults I know are very happy, valued members with cadets, and I know of at least two who are on the spectrum.

 

My Dad had AS and was not able to sign up as a regular soldier during the war - he was in the home guard though. Always makes me think of 'Dad's Army'.

 

Good luck to your son.

 

Barefoot

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