Are your friends supportive

[forbsay]

Maybe i am just feeling sorry for myself but i always feel as though it is me that does the running to get in touch with my friends,,,,,,,,,,,,, I don't see why it should be. Most of them don't phone me to see how I am and then they will come out the woodwork when it is the kids birthdays! Not a very nice feeling. Hubby said I should broaden my social horizon which I have done but I still feel lonley. My little boy goes to a special asd school which is fab but I don't really see the other parents.

 

Forbsay

[Bagpuss]

Hi Forbsay,

 

I am in a similar situation, in that I don't really know many people where I live. With youngest dd getting transport to school, I've never met any of the parents from the children in her class, apart from briefly at nativity etc. We've also only lived in our present town just over 3 years, so I don't have a support network of old friends and family around me, except my mum who is about 20 mins away.

 

I also used to feel very alone, and that no one really bothered, and that DH and I did all the visiting and ringing and staying in touch. I felt very resentful, for a long time, and found it very destructive.

 

I also used to feel that somehow their lives were better, fuller, happier......

 

Now I do feel differently. I've learnt who I can count on, and who I can't. It's been hard, and painful at times, but those we have in our lives now are those that continued to be there, no matter what, even at our lowest times. I've also learnt that other people have their own problems, difficulties, anxieties.....and their lives are not as rosy as they may seem.

 

I never dwell on why people don't tend to visit or ring much now......I've tried to let go of the anger and resentment, and try to look at it that if thats how they want to live their lives, so be it. I don't want people around me who are only there in the good times, and make me feel poo about myself.

 

I've also got to add, that it has taken alot of counselling for me to reach this point, and for me to understand it wasn't me, or DH, or our kiddies...........we weren't to blame, or difficult people to be around......it was about them and how they are and how they feel.......and that is something you cannot control. They have to live with their decisions, just live your life, hold your head high, and let them get on with it.

 

Take care <'> <'> <'>

Edited April 8, 2007 by Bagpuss

[curra]

Same here, Forbsay, although I have met a few parents at school and a support group, these contacts stay on the surface because there are not many chances of developing a friendship with them. Our children's needs make us more sensitive and I would personally like to meet people who understand me and accept my son for who he is and those people are not easy to find. Most parents I have met have not shown much interest in staying in touch with me because my son and their child, NT or AS, would not get along. I have met other mums to NT children and we could have a good chat when our children were younger, but now their kids are into sports and going out in groups, while my son is very different, so the contacts died out - and then there are also a few mums who don't reciprocate my interest in talking to them which may be due to their own personal reasons. Also I am all the time caring for my son and have no possibility of going out alone with friends which makes socialising for me almost an impossible task. I've grown used to it and to a certain extent accept it but I do feel alone and am always thinking of new ways to meet other people because I am a sociable person, so I'm seeing now whether I can do some volunteer work while my son is at school. Resentment is not a very helpful feeling. One cannot control how other people react and it's not one's fault if others are prejudiced, afraid of something or they are simply rude. I've seen that anger and feeling sorry for myself make me less assertive and sociable, and like Bagpuss, I have gained a lot from counselling because it helps me to let go harmful feelings and develop self confidence.

I agree with your hubby, get in touch with people in other circles. But these things take time, in the meanwhile take things as they come <'> <'>

 

 

 

CurraXX

[Guest flutter]

i have few mates but thos i have are amazingly supportive

i work with them too lol

i just accept that now, cos i know i am differnet myself, and just make the most of what i have

i appreciate how hard it is tho, and be careful u are not getting a wee bit down

huggs xxx

[Diamondmask]

The best support I've had has been from friends on the internet! My son attends a special school so I dont see the parents of the kids there very often but I am close friends with one of them. My daughter attends a mainstream school (grrr!) and I am friendly with a couple of the parents there. However one of them is the Mum of an AS boy, so does that count LOL? I have 2 close *NT* friends, in that they dont have ASD kids. One is the dad of a RAD girl and the other has a Mum with Schitzophrenia (spelling?). Not exactly a typical representation really.

 

Sarah

Edited April 8, 2007 by Diamondmask

[David Matthew Baker]

When it comes to staying in touch with people I can be a bit of a mixed bag. Often people will hear from me more often if they contact me first. I think a lot of this is you forget how long it is since you last talked. If I am doing things regularly (even if the plans aren't technically set in stone) it is easier. Hence I tend to see one of my friends both days most weekends. However I have other friends who I get on as well with who I don't see as often. For example one of my friends from school called round last night when I was out. I'd seen him fairly recently (about two weeks ago) but before that it had been before christmas. Sometimes it is not knowing when the other person is available. Us two tend to arrange stuff online too and neither of us had been on at the same time for a while. Sometimes (I'm sad to say) it is because I forget how long it is since I last contacted someone. Communication to Kenya can be a bit like that. Especially as the person I got on best with out there is as bad as I myself am. Sometimes I send texts (learnt that letters don't tend to get replies. Probably as he'd have to travel into town. Also I know they sometimes go astray from my personal experiences) and get replies instantly or other times it is months. That said where there are specific problems I tend to be available and all my friends know that. A few have gone through tough times in the past and will ask (though taken a long time to get them to this point) if they need help. A brother-in-law was a major pain for one of them recently so she even ended up staying at mine for a few nights. My mum never minds looking out for people either. Can always rely on my dad's help too. I guess I'm probably somewhere in the middle compared to most people but you can see from the above how things can easily go one way or the other.

 

I hope all of you do manage to find all the support you need. Also I hope you have friends who are even happy to tell you things that you don't necessarily want to hear but need to. Also someone who will happily step up and be counted when there is the need. All the best, David.

[Cat]

I only have one friend now from my pre-autism days and she has stuck by me through thick and thin. She never forgets my sons and they are always included.

 

However this friend is the exception and I said goodbye to my other friends sometime ago now. I wil be 50 next month and my new friends are busy arranging a girls night out for us. My new friends 'all' have children with autism and have been made via our support group. We all have a great deal in common and when we decided to go out and let our hair down we do it with style you get the picture.

 

Cat

[Karen A]

Maybe i am just feeling sorry for myself but i always feel as though it is me that does the running to get in touch with my friends,,,,,,,,,,,,, I don't see why it should be. Most of them don't phone me to see how I am and then they will come out the woodwork when it is the kids birthdays! Not a very nice feeling. Hubby said I should broaden my social horizon which I have done but I still feel lonley. My little boy goes to a special asd school which is fab but I don't really see the other parents.

 

Forbsay

 

 

Hi I may be feeling a bit negative just now.Ben is in mainstream school and I find it isolating too.The other parents just have no idea of the things we are dealing with.I get more support here and from contacts who also have children with SEN.

I think some people think because Ben is bright we are just fussing over him.

[peppa]

I guess im quite lucky as i have a great bunch of friends who i spend time with in different ways, one friend in particular has been amazing, she's there whenever i need her, were in touch most days via text, phone, email etc, and see each other at least once a week even though its a train journey away between houses.

She made the effort to look into dds diagnosis off her own back, and always plans ahead to ease things for us when we visit or she visits us, it makes such a difference.

 

I have other friends who ive known since nursery school and we tend to see each other usually of a weekend evening out and they always let me rant on without complaint! They don't tend to see dd very often due to work but when we visit each other with dd, they are fantastic at understanding even though they don't have kids yet.

 

Ive bumped into a couple of old school friends recently who have kids, one dds age and babies, we arranged to meet up and now do it once a week, we only lost touch due to life changes really, but have lots of shared memories which make us quite close. We all studied childcare, special needs together also, so they had some knowledge of ASD, and are amazing with dd, which is fantastic.

 

Other friends i tend to keep in touch with mainly via email or text due to work commitments, and they are always checking in to see how i am and vice versa, its nice to know though that they are there for a good chat and support.

 

I was extremley close to one friend, she was present when i gave birth to dd, im god mother to her dd, weve been on holiday together three times, saw each other almost everyday, phoned or text everyday etc. She came with me to my grandparents funerals, etc (you get the picture).

Then one day it all changed, by this time my dd was about 2, her behaviour was becoming more apparant, some situations were awkward when out in public, with dd either having meltdowns, or speaking in abrupt ways, etc.

I always got the impression my friend was embarrased to be with us when this happened, and even though she knew i had concerns about dd at the time i felt she no longer wanted to be associated with us.

It got to the point where i would call her and ask if she fancied coming round or doing something together and more and more invites were getting refused, therfore i decided to leave it a while and let her get in touch with me, it never really happened. Christmas and birthdays gifts are exchanged and we always have a good chat if we see each other in town, but its extremley rare we spend any time together now days even though her dh now works for us!

I tried thinking of any other reasons like maybe i'd done something to offend her in some way, but the only thing i could think of was that i'd registered my dd to start at a different school than her dd, but we'd talked about reasons for this and she'd seemed supportive and understanding.

Therefore i can only think that maybe she couldn't deal with dds unpredictable behaviour, rituals etc, i suppose i should have asked her out right, i've hinted, but got nothing really.

I was really upset at the time but i'm now of the mind that i need to focus on the supportive people in our lives and be a good mate in return.

 

 

I'm quite a social person, and love being around friends, therefore ive been lucky enough to gain some really special ones, however i've found though that noone really understands unless they are living with autism within their lives and am so glad of the friends made here even if they are cyber!!

 

It can be hard when you feel your friends aren't supportive, and upseting that when you feel have found a close friendship, that it doesn't extend unconditionally to our children, but i'm learning that everyone deals with things in their own way and may or may not have the ability to appreciate and understand our special children.

 

I would really love to make friends with other parents of ASD children and have that shared experience and feel i could talk about things that may seem wierd to others but that an ASD parent would truly understand.

 

Ive been at either end of the scale and had good supportive friends and not so good unsupportive friends, but have learnt that it doesn't really matter how many friends you have wether its a whole bunch or just one special freind, true friendship is almost unconditional.

 

My advice would be to just focus on the special people in your life and if you do need a friend remember we are always here to lend an ear, and give support, try not to feel lonely, loads of love, feel free to pm if you need a chat any time xxxxxx

[forbsay]

Thank you for all your replies - you are a fab bunch of people, and you all know where I am coming from.

 

Forbsay

xx

[smiley]

forbsay <'>

 

Put it this way............after dx - i certainly found out who my friends were...

 

<'>

[CEJesson]

The friends I have just used to be 'semi-friends' who I would speak to in lessons and then never see or speak to outside, largely as it was a horrid time at my last school.

 

Since moving to a new sixth form, it has changed. I have been more responsive and have a small group of friends but there is still something lacking. Messages are often sent to me on facebook or by text but it would be lovely to have a phone call now and again, especially when I attempt to make the effort to the best of my ability.

 

It is something that makes me anxious, but it is something to sleep on and progress into the next day feeling better and thinking 'well if they arent going to bother I may as well take advantage when they do.'

[KarenT]

This is interesting and has got me thinking.

 

I've just checked through my address book and the vast majority of real friends are those I've made either because J has AS or I have ME - including one extremely valuable friendship with a family who has both.

 

Other than that I have two friends with no connection to either condition, and one of them works in special needs so has a bit of awareness.

 

My own isolation is partly self-induced, as I don't belong in the 'normal' world of most parents. Few people can understand my circumstances any more than I can understand theirs. And let's face it, our circumstances have a massive effect on the rest of our lives and what we can become involved in without having to consider autism as a factor.

 

One long-time friend demonstrated this over the Easter holidays. We'd arrange to meet up with her two and my one, take their bikes to the park for a couple of hours. My friend rang an hour beforehand saying she was running late, that she wasn't bringing the bikes because she had her nephew staying so he was coming along too (who J had never met and we knew nothing about), so could we bring a packed lunch as well. She had absolutely no idea how much this would throw J into disarray, and we were extremely lucky that the day went off without a hitch. There was no malice in what she did and I do like her very much, but she hadn't a clue about J's problems or how something as small (to her) as that could affect him.

 

TBH, I've stopped caring about being friends with 'the normals' as I call them. I can get on better without them.

 

Karen

x

[Deblegs]

Dear All

 

I have some very supportive friends. I have one who has a son with Asperger Syndrome and a few others that go to the same church that I go to. Although perhaps I do become attached to people, I don't become too demanding as I know that they have their own lives to lead and they can't always be there for me. I keep in touch with them whether I am in need or not. This is important. I know that when I do need support, someone will be there for me. It is important to have a wide circle of friends, rather than just one.

 

From Debbie Hudson

[Vix]

I am lucky that I have a couple of great friends who have no problems with Kyle. Although I find it hard to go round to my best friends house as he is so destructive at the moment and her DH is very fussy about tidiness, but we meet up at other times and she loves Kyle.

 

I had a group of friends I used to see during school holidays but this has tailed off a bit now, but they always used to organise to meet up in the most inappropriate places for Kyle, like the country park with a huge lake (he loves water and would have jumped in if I'd taken my eyes off him for a second!) or bowling (where he likes running all over the place, down all the alleys etc) I'm sure it's not deliberate, they all have NT children (and they all have 2 children, whereas I have 4 to keep an eye on!) and probably don't think about what is difficult for me. I've had to turn down some meet ups as the thought of going has just been too stressful.

 

Kyle goes to special school and gets transport so I don't get the chance to talk to any of the mums there, and weirdly when he went to playgroup none of the mums talked to each other! (I tried but they were all really unsociable, we used to stand there in silence when we went to pick up!)

 

I do find it hard sometimes as I can go for days without speaking to another adult (well, except for DH!)

 

Vicky

 

xx

[butterflycake]

No to be honest. My family is supportive but not my friends. I have one friend who ive known a long time who seems to have a hangup if i buy some thing, get a new hair do or do something new that she hasnt done. She rarely mentions my kids but never forgets their birthdays/xmas etc. She also said something insenitive and thoughtless to me 2 days ago which i am offended about. I dont know what to do about this friendshipas i used to think she was a good friend. Now im beginning to see how childish and selfish she is. i thought she would have been more supportive but it didnt turn out that way.

[butterfingersbimbo]

i have two very supportive friends, one who's son is AS, ADHD, and TS and one whose children are all NT....a friend who doesnt get it at all but we arent very close....and a sis who's children are all a mixed bag!