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Clare63

Tears, tears and more tears....

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My DS is still sobbing and is terrified about returning to school tomorrow after the Easter break. Since Christmas he's been more out than in and its so hard for me, I know he has to go to school but I can not bear to see and hear him this way.

He has spent the past two weeks like a hermit (his choice, though managed to get him out for a short period of time twice) each morning when he wakes he says he's scared about going to school, but can not explain what it is about school that he is so afraid of.

I don't know what more I can do, I am there for him every step of the way, following his list of his morning routine, cuddling him for hours in bed trying to get him to sleep. (He calling and crying for me now, and I have asked his Dad to pop up and he said NO I show him no sympathy, he's gone now but know I'll have to go in a minutes to pick up the pieces).

My heart is breaking, he's my baby yet his Dad keeps saying I must be firm with him, he's just playing me up, but the tears and the fear seem so real to me. As usual we have ended up agreeing to disagree, my DH does not seem to understand his son's AS, but then maybe he's right when he say's "well right yes he has aspergers, but life still goes on and he 's got to get on with it, I had to, lifes bad enough, so he better get used to it and get on with it" I just can't see an end to this, I know tonight he'll be awake fretting for hours and by the time he falls asleep I'll be waking him up and the tears will start over.

Sorry just wanted to get this off my chest and was feeling a bit sorry for myself and alone with this one.

Thanks for listening

Clare x

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>:D<<'> Clare

 

I hope he's settled and fast asleep now. It's heart breaking seeing them so sad and it makes you wonder whether you're doing the right thing. How is he usually in the morning, are there tears then too?

 

I think, personally speaking, the difference between the way I deal with my son's AS and the way that dp does (and the disagreements and sheer frustration with each other that this causes) is one of the hardest things do deal with. It usually comes down to the same thing - I'm 'too soft' and I think he's often too hard. Then sometimes I doubt myself and think is my partner right and how out of control would my son be otherwise (he's already pretty difficult, much worse for me and school though)

 

It's a tricky one and so far I haven't found a solution - at the minute we're disagreeing on my going upstairs / downstairs with G for bed, toilet, anything he needs upstairs of downstairs. He's absolutely terrified and hysterical to be alone in a room but dp thinks we should force him to go up to the loo alone etc, I think we should let it come in it's own time (very annoying it is though!)

 

Sorry I haven't got any answers but thinking of you.

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Thanks Pearl & JLP, afriad he's still awake and fretting and he's told me he can't and won't go to school tomorrow, so doubt I'll get much sleep either. Thankfully we have an appointment with CAMHS on Thursday and I am going to be insisting on some help with his anxiety and sleeplessness, sadly though DH say's he too busy at work to make the appointment yet again, so to me its no wonder he does not truly understand, I think and he agrees that he probably has mild aspergers too so perhpas this does not help either. JLP you cetainly hit the nail on the head with your post, its so good to know that others understand what its like to live this day to day.

Guess I am just feeling a bit sorry for myself and scared too about coping in the morning.

Thanks again

Clare x x x

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Bless him.

 

I dragged dp (mostly unwillingly) to as many hospital appointments as possible, he seemed to listen more to them than things I tell him. It helped a bit but now we seem to go around and round in so many circles that I'm just tired and sick of the same old, same old arguments. I really don't know what the answer is - my instinct is to protect, dp's is that you have to get on with things AS or not (I suspect that mirrors a lot of couples). I can see his point in a way but not when its something that really distresses G.

 

Does he have melatonin? G used to be very difficult to get too sleep and would manage to work himself into a very anxious state (worrying about noises etc) which made getting to sleep even harder. Melatonin makes him to sleepy to be able to get himself worked up in a state.

 

I know the main problem tonight is school tomorrow though. Let us know how he gets on. x

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Clare,

 

It's tough to watch your child suffer like this. I remember those days. :(

 

I hope all of you manage to get some sleep and get through tomorrow without too much trauma.

 

>:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

K x

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The only thing that stopped it for my youngest son was taking him out of school for good. He ended up with Cyclical Vomiting Syndrome which a Consultant told me can be stress related and that was when we decided to call time.

 

It was the best decision we ever made. There is being soft and their is being human. I watched my eldest have a complete breakdown when he was 11 and I lived through the nighmare that that brought with it for the whole family. I had been told that I was soft and needed to be much firmer and I went with it.

 

I home educated the eldest for 8 years and have been home educating the youngest for 5. I am not a teacher and do not try to be one. We have a great time learning together and I can not believe how much we have covered. Life is good my sons are happy. It was the right choice for us.

 

Cat

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Gosh your post broke my heart...........my son has anxiety issues..........particularly bad when he was 7 yrs and was dx as depressive by a physch.Melatonin has helped my son with sleep anxiety and he now has a fantastic placement in a unit, but if he was,nt doing well I think I,d consider home education ...........it must be so hard for you seeing him so upset and not having hubby there to support you in this . best wishes Suzex

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Dd1 was in tears last night and again this morning because she wants to stay with me and not go to school. I really do sympathise...it tears you apart to see them like this doesn't it. She has anxiety regarding being around people and she is hyper sensitive to smell and can smell all kinds of nasty things emanating from people even outside! She especially hates the smell of smoke and can smell this on people out in the street. Take care. >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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hi this is so hard for mums and dads.my little boy who is ten years old is the same but he does settle eventually...every time he has a break from school even a long weekend it takes hi three weeks to settle back at school it torture for him...sending you a hug pet....love noogsy

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Clare

 

I really hope things went well for you this morning.

 

It is the most gut-wrenching feeling in the world watching your child distraught and not knowing what to do for the best.

 

Is you boy in mainstream school? Is he statemented? Have you thought of a special school or mainstream with unit? Would you consider home educating?

 

There is no 'one size fits all' option but having been in a similar postion, my only advice would be look into the alternatives - then you are in a position to either act or feel better knowing you've looked.

 

Best wishes

 

Barefoot

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Hi Claire,

 

Totally feel for you - know exactly where you're at. I notice on the bottom of your post Con 12 - is that your sons age at the moment - and is he in mainstream and does he get any support?

 

For us personally from the age of 10-11 - just prior to changing from primary to comp. has been a nightmare - I've read loads of similar posts around this age too - and apparently from 11-16 is the worst period of their lives.

 

My hubbie too is like yours - much more firmer with my daughter (she's 13) than I am myself over lots of things - although where anxieties are concerned (and unfortunately the majority of her 'worries' are over school) we both know how hard this is for her.

 

The change from primary to comp. is absolutely massive - in lots of ways - and therefore loads of 'worries' - it's only now (this is her 3rd year) that we sometimes manage to get her to try to explain what the problems are - although they usually come out during a conversation not related! (if you know what I mean) - and many times it is sheer guess work by going through every scenario and angle that we can think of - she is so afraid of the 'unknown' - and very often school involves so many other little 'unknown' changes every day that to us wouldn't seem that obvious.

 

There are so many children, so many teachers, so many rooms, so many times to get up and move to somewhere else - my daughter still struggles to change classrooms - and usually follows the rest of the class - but she is so slow to pack up at the end of the lesson - that she's last to leave. More often than not she doesn't even hear the bell - if she is focusing on something she becomes oblivious to everything else - and has often said it isn't until everyone is leaving that she becomes aware it's the end of the lesson and she worries about no getting to her next class on time.

 

She struggles in some lessons where perhaps it's practical work and lots of groups talking (especially science or a language where you pair off) - she can't close off other sounds and gets anxious over this because she cannot concentrate. This is my daughter's 3rd year now and she still has terrible trouble remembering where things are - if there are times where the teacher groups children up - she doesn't know all the children's names in the class - or they have to see another teacher/room etc to return a form - certain teachers names etc and no matter how much my daughter is reassured it doesn't really help at all.

 

I hope you manage to get to the root of his worries - I know this is so difficult when very often they seem unable to explain what their worries are.

 

Take care,

Jb

Edited by jb1964

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clare >:D<<'> >:D<<'> i really hope your son is ok today,it is heartbreaking seeing our kids so upset >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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Oh thank you so much everyone, its all exactly as you have said.

 

Yes Connor is 12 and is in year 7 of secondary mainstream, because the school is so small they have mixed year 7 & 8 together. He is not statemented, but has a lovely TA who meets him from the car (he says he does not like her, probably because she is firm and asks him questions) the school have been brilliant but it still does not seem to help, he seems overwhelmed by the noise, children and teachers and says that no one understands him andf that includes us his Mum & Dad. I say to him well they say you are OK at school when you have calmed down, and he says "yes that's on the outside inside I am still really scared and crying, I can't do that at school otherwise the other children will bully me"

 

I would seriously consider home ed, but I know my DH would not even entertain the idea so dare not even approach the subject, I guess in my heart of hearts I am hoping the school or the medical pro's will suggest this, so that it does not have to come from me. I am that much of a chicken !

 

Well today, he woke up crying at 5.45am and was still crying as he was handed over to his TA, my DH took charge and shouted at him to get ready etc., he said he'd take him to school (I went too) it was awful.... my poor baby looked so pale, red eyed and dam right miserable, I feel I totally let him down, but I just can't cope with him anymore because I always end up giving in. Or maybe I am not giving in, maybe I am just being human and recognising his deep unhappiness. Well we drove back home with me now crying, guess I should be thankful my DH is there for us, what with having a son with AS that can't cope with the outside world, a wife who is depresed and stressed, living on the breadline (there's no way I could work at the moment) my husband's father in hospital after having a heart attack at the week end and now the dog is limping !!!!!!! sorry I am laughing now, writing this sounds all a bit unbelievable.

 

Trouble is this is today and its going to be the same tomorrow, where is it all going to end. Sorry seem to have gone off on one here !

 

Thank you guys and thank you forum for being there for me, its so good to know I am not alone.

 

Clare x x x

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no clare you definately not alone >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

i dont think you should be grateful your DH is there for you,none of the situation is your fault or anyones,you sound like a lovely caring lady and DH should be thanking his lucky stars hes got you >:D<<'> i used to think like that about my nick,oh hes so good being here what with steves AS,my stress problems etc but i dont put myself down no more,i dont make him stay here,hes here through choice,to be honest though i would have gone long ago!!

 

i took steve out of school when he was feeling like your son but it took me a long time to get to that point,i agonised for ages but once i made descision i was glad i did,wasent easy by any means but steves health improved,whatever you decide youve got us lot on here to listen to you >:D<<'>

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I guess in my heart of hearts I am hoping the school or the medical pro's will suggest this

 

I do not think that school will that is coerced de-registration and DfES are trying to stamp this out.

 

I pushed my son till he broke and it was not nice picking up the pieces. I can not understand why some men - sorry Baddad I did say some - think that pushing children with AS will stop them from being soft or build their character. It's nothing to do with being soft. It's everything to do with mental health and having picked up the pieces for four years I know what the fall out can be like.

 

As a society we are programmed to believe that children have to go to school because it's the right place for them. Well it's not always the right place for our children and while you fight for the right place the children often lose the plot and go under.

 

Cat

Edited by Cat

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I do not think that school will that is coerced de-registration and DfES are trying to stamp this out.

 

I pushed my son till he broke and it was not nice picking up the pieces. I can not understand why some men - sorry Baddad I did say some - think that pushing children with AS will stop them from being soft or build their character. It's nothing to do with being soft. It's everything to do with mental health and having picked up the pieces for four years I know what the fall out can be like.

 

As a society we are programmed to believe that children have to go to school because it's the right place for them. Well it's not always the right place for our children and while you fight for the right place the children often lose the plot and go under.

 

Cat

 

Cat, this is just what I am so worried about, that my son will get pushed until he breaks. Apart from the people on here I don't seem to have anyone on my side, everyone tells me I am too soft, I would not say I am soft just that I respect individuals as individuals and that we are all different.

 

Hev,

You are so right, I never used to be subservant and always thought I wore the trousers in this house. I worked full time as a manager of 75 staff up until 2 years ago and now I have lost all confidence and my self esteem. DH tells me its because I take drugs (prozac) and that I have lost my fight !

 

Barefoot,

Sorry to hear you have been all through this too, what happened that changed everything ?

 

 

PS - DH just popped home from work to see if I am OK and says he feels all empty, maybe he's not as tough as I think. Also had my MIL on phone offering to come to CAMHS with me and Con on Thursday as DH says he's too busy !!!!! not sure if good idea or not ????? she did admit that as a family they should be giving us more support.

 

Clare x x x

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Clare

 

I'm glad your dh came home feeling 'empty'. It must have been a relief. I think most men find it harder to accept that maybe their child just can't cope with school - that it isn't because they're in anyway weak - just different.

 

Our son had been on and off school throughout his education. Sometimes just coping and, with an understanding teacher, really flourishing. The first year of secondary went really well (they were talking Oxbridge). Summer term of Year 7 he began to struggle and by the end of Year 8 he was unrecognisable. It was just horrible to see. My beautiful, talented child was an empty husk. To be honest I was going downhill too.

 

I kept on at dh, slowly but surely, and, because he's a good guy who was also horrified to see the deterioration of his son, he agreed that we needed to change track radically. Basically, the rulebook changes when you have an SEN child. The important thing to us became, for want of a better word, his soul.

 

We both read 'Home Educating our Autistic Spectrum Child' by Terri Dowty and Kitt Cowlishaw and it rang so many bells.

 

We looked into other schools and units. We gathered information, spoke to the rest of the family, and made a decision.

 

We withdrew him from school at the end of Year 8. Two years on he is our talented, beautiful child once more.

 

We have learned so much from this forum - mostly that there are many different ways to face this problem and to overcome it. Every day, I take joy reading about someone's child who is happy - be that at home, special school, mainstream, or attached unit. There are different ways of tackling the problem - there will be a way for your son.

 

As a footnote, I too am a different person - so too is our whole family. My husband? If anyone ever asks him if it was the right decision, he answers with a resounding 'Yes'.

 

Clare, I hope (know) you will find a way.

 

Best wishes

 

Barefoot

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Clare loads and loads of hugs....

 

our kids are the same age, and it is soul destrying watching them not cope.

 

My hubby too doesn't always understand and sometimes even thinks they are winding him up on purpose but we all cope differently.

 

I wrote a post a few days ago, feeling rock bottom, and although I am still not quite right, I am on the up again..... Just waiting to see if i can pluck up courage to make yet another call to school to try to sort out an ongoing problem.

 

You will get around this clare, and con will get better...... just keep posting here and asking for the support when needed.

Anne

Edited by Annea

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Clare, first of all >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

It sounds from what you say that your DH is just as desperate and feeling just as helpless as you are. I expect he felt terrible inside after you'd both got your lad off to school and I bet he doesn't know what to do to make it better either. You never know, he might not be as opposed to home ed as you might think, he might just want an answer and an end to the trauma.

I agree with Cat though, I don't think any of the professionals will suggest home ed to any parent, that would be an admission on their part that their system is not working for some of our kids.

I hope he's had an okay day at school today and that you haven't been fretting too much!! (impossible, I know).

Have you looked into what home ed groups there are in your area? It could be that there are many families in a similar position who meet regularly. If you really felt positive about doing it, perhaps you could put it to your DH that you could try it for a year, because it couldn't be much worse than it is now by the sounds of it. If you armed yourself with all the info and had a positive plan of how it could work he might surprise you with his response.

Very best of luck and DO look after YOURSELF. >:D<<'>

 

~ Mel ~

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I agree with Cat though, I don't think any of the professionals will suggest home ed to any parent, that would be an admission on their part that their system is not working for some of our kids.

 

I have been reliably informed that anybody who works in the state education system is prohibited from recommending home education. To recommend home education is dereliction of duty and breach of contract, which will almost certainly result in being sacked.

 

Sometimes head teachers expel kids because they know that school is unsuitable and cannot meet their needs, and don't want to see them suffer.

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I have been reliably informed that anybody who works in the state education system is prohibited from recommending home education. To recommend home education is dereliction of duty and breach of contract, which will almost certainly result in being sacked.

 

Which is why if it happens, and it does, it's always off the record and never written down.

 

But those of us who do home ed are coming under the cosh because DfES believe that home ed is being abused and used as an excuse by some parents to do nothing. While I can not prove that every parent in the land is providing an education to meet the needs of their child most of us are doing a darn sight better than the State system.

 

Like Barefoot it's not only the lives of our sons that changed. Ours has changed to and so much for the better. I have happy healthy sons who enjoy life. And hopefully we are teaching the the skills they will need to live in a mianstream world as adults.

 

Cat

Edited by Cat

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Oh my goodness, just how much do I want to change our lives all 3 of us are so miserable. Thanks Cat, Barefoot & Canopus for making things clearer for me and thanks Anne & Mel for your kindness and understanding.

 

Well the poor lad survied the day and came out of school alone and looking very plae and drawn, said he had a bad head ache and the day had been really stressful what with all the noise of the children and the teachers shouting more than usual. On the way home he warned me tomorrow's timetable is even worse for him and could he have a day off ! anyway as we drove home he perked up and became a bit hyper (cross between relief & relaxing I expect). Has gone all quiet again now and has eaten all his dinner then politely asked if he could go back up stairs, back to his hidey hole of the spare bedroom with all his computer & playstation stuff, sometimes I can hear him singing up there but this evening all is quiet.

 

The TA wrote in his home/school book that he calmed down after about 5 minutes and that she sat with him for 10 minutes during his first lesson and that I was not to worry she'd keep an eye on him. Guess I have to trust them.

 

Anyway thanks again everyone for your support, does not look promising but fingers crossed for a quiet night.

 

Clare x x x

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Sometimes head teachers expel kids because they know that school is unsuitable and cannot meet their needs, and don't want to see them suffer.

 

 

Yes, me and the primary HT nearly came to this agreement. She said she was tempted to expel my lad so that he would get the help that he needed, but in the end we took him out and saved her the trouble.

 

~ Mel ~

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clare i hope you are ok tonight and your son and dh,it all has an effect on the family doesnt it >:D<<'>

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Thanks Hev your are so kind to think of us when I know you have many troubles of your own. Your kind words are very much appreciated.

Everything quite calm here at the moment, but got to get Con to bed yet. DH and I just walked the dog together which was nice.

Thanks again >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

Clare x x x

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>:D<<'> >:D<<'> Hi Clare I only just read this and wanted to send some hugs. I'm afraid I don't have any words of wisdom! dh is just the same where our son's autism is concerned. I know it's really really hard to deal with. Im a teacher in mainstream and in a way I'm lucky as ds2's autism is so severe he's in a unit placement. I worry more about ds1 who is not diagnosed but is quirky and eccentric. I love the idea of Home Ed but ironically I think that coping with a class of 25 is a doddle compared to teaching my 2 all day. My dh also would not hear of it and I think doing it without us both believing in it would be difficult to say the least

Sending you lots of >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

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Hi Elun,

Thank you for your kind words. Goodness knows what we are going to do with our DH's guess its hard for them to accept and truly understand.

Clare x >:D<<'>

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>:D<<'> >:D<<'> Although my son is younger (8), we had all the tears and unhappiness through primary school and yet this year something has changed (suddenly ,out of nowhere ) He is growing in confidence, has a fantastic T.A that really cares and is doing well. He still has lots of anxiety, which is really upsetting, but goes into school happily (it's part of his routine, i suppose). I tried bach herbal remedies and it really has helped him. I don't even put it in his water now but he is much better.

He still does his routines on the way to school and says he hates walking to school because he has to do things he doesn't want to ( walking aroung the grid so many times etc) which upsets me, and he finds it noisy at school.The T.A now does his spelling tests seperatly in the morning before school and he now gets every one right, whereas in the classroom he wouldn't get many at all. I find it helped when he made a couple of friends. Does your son have any friends at school?

I really hope things get a bit better for him, it's no joke to be anxious ( I Know ) and all the noise and movement must be horrible for him.Does he have any support from the Autism Outreach? They have helped to put things in place for my son.Sending you lots of >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

Oh and everyone things i am too soft on my son as well ( implying that I'm the problem! )

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>:D<<'> >:D<<'> Although my son is younger (8), we had all the tears and unhappiness through primary school and yet this year something has changed (suddenly ,out of nowhere ) He is growing in confidence, has a fantastic T.A that really cares and is doing well. He still has lots of anxiety, which is really upsetting, but goes into school happily (it's part of his routine, i suppose). I tried bach herbal remedies and it really has helped him. I don't even put it in his water now but he is much better.

He still does his routines on the way to school and says he hates walking to school because he has to do things he doesn't want to ( walking aroung the grid so many times etc) which upsets me, and he finds it noisy at school.The T.A now does his spelling tests seperatly in the morning before school and he now gets every one right, whereas in the classroom he wouldn't get many at all. I find it helped when he made a couple of friends. Does your son have any friends at school?

I really hope things get a bit better for him, it's no joke to be anxious ( I Know ) and all the noise and movement must be horrible for him.Does he have any support from the Autism Outreach? They have helped to put things in place for my son.Sending you lots of >:D<<'> >:D<<'> >:D<<'>

 

Oh and everyone things i am too soft on my son as well ( implying that I'm the problem! )

 

Rueby,

 

Thank you for your reply, I am so pleased to hear your son's confidence is growing and that he's doing well in school.

 

My son is above average academically and is very compliant at school, almost the perfect pupil, trouble is he lacks confidence and self esteem. He does have a few friends at school but I can see the gap widening where's as he'd rather play pokemon cards they want to talk about the latest trainers they have and to hang about with the girls. He does not have a statement but has a lovely TA to support him going into to school and to reassure him about any changes to the day etc., The SENCO phoned me the other day to say she was going to contact Autism Outreach to get some more training for her staff to enable them to help him and some other children they have on the spectrum better, which I found encouraging.

 

Thanks for reminding me about the Bach's rescue remedy, he used to take this at Primary school and it now seems to have dropped by the way side, must get some more and try it on him again..... he used to say he was going to have a drop of sherry (because I said that's want it tasted like)

 

Clare x

 

Jlp - Thanks for thinking of us, amazingly this morning was so much calmer, think the threat of his Dad taking him to school again made him tow the line. I took him to school and the journey was relaxed and enjoyable, we play the game where we have memorised the names of all the roads on the way to school !

 

Clare x

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Hi Claire,

 

Been reading all your posts and they could be my own!

 

My Dan's back tomorrow after the break, it's nice to have them off school but hell on when they go back! My Dan's also age 12 and in yr 7 mainstream secondary, the gap is widening also....

 

He's got a full time (band 2) SEN, he has 2 T.A's that are brill which have helped a lot as well as him starting Risperdone (half dose) The other week a lad said to him "Dan, how come Miss comes into lessons with you all the time?" a question I knew was bound to be asked but was very surprized when Dan said casually... it's because I have Asperger's!

 

It is heartbreaking watching our kid's grow up and struggle along seeming unhappy, I over the years have wanted to have his pain so he can be happy (sob sob) I've gotta say, things are getting better though.

 

Incidentally my X Hubby is very firm with Dan, it doesn't help the situation and he doesn't realize that Dan resents him but at times I must confess if he doesn't tow the line i'll ring his Dad, so it does have it's plus points.

 

This hasn't helped Claire but just wanted to let you know that I Truely understand where your coming from and to be honest, your bound to be stressed out as your not only trying to keep your son happy but your DH too! (Not an easy task!)

 

Sending huge hug's Claire,

Rach x

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