Be myself or act the diplomat?

[bazz]

I have discovered a new spectrum - should I be true to myself and speak the truth as I see it, or play the diplomat and tip toe around people's feelings? I've been working on this for some years, wondering whether to be myself or adapt and save my relationship before it was too late.

 

I was diagnosed with Asperger's in my twenties, partly due to a lack of public awareness, and also because I am a pretty mild case. It helped me understand why I had a philosophy of life?s too short to put up with the BS - in other words, I should speak my mind so that all concerned understand exactly what I thought. If I don't like a situation, I am the only one who can take responsibility for my own happiness and make changes. Unfortunately, I was not aware of how asserting my views was negatively affecting the relationship with my partner, friends and family. I thought everyone was just over sensitive and approaching life in an illogical way.

 

As in previous relationships, my boyfriend was naturally concerned and attentive to my needs, but then I started to feel as if he was distancing himself from me. His job requires him to spend a lot of time away from home, and consequently I was often left alone to brood on my thoughts. I've always felt that to live my life with integrity I needed to be honest, even if it were confronting or resulted in making me unpopular. And it did - I often had trouble hanging on to friendships, but figured if they can't handle the truth, then they aren't real friends.

 

My boyfriend really opened up, and claimed I was rude and how everything I discussed was about me, me, me. He said I was the distant one, and he was only reacting to me. This was all news to me, I'd only been in one serious relationship before and that person had taken off without even saying goodbye.

 

Being analytical (something that runs in Asperger's!), I'd read up on the need for communication so always stated my ideas clearly and succinctly to him. It was difficult to see at first, but I could understand how my no-nonsense communication style was causing more grief than good, even though rationally this is an efficient way to communicate. I was increasingly becoming angry and frustrated with my partner?s lack of understanding and respect for my views, while he was claiming the same about me.

 

If I acted with integrity, my partner would probably leave. If I put on a Pollyanna smile, and pretended everything was okay, I felt unhappy. Was there something in between? And if so, how could I integrate both my integrity and needing to play the diplomat into the ?new me??

 

To cut a long story short, I saw a neuropsychologist for a while and finally got a clear picture of what my boyfriend was feeling. I admitted how ashamed I felt not having had a clue as to how my insensitive words had hurt him. But I did explain that this didn't mean my 'Asperger's identity' was necessarily at fault. We just had a big chasm between us and some compromise was needed if we were going to continue our relationship.

 

I told him how I was determined to work on a more polite but still truthful style of communication. I let him know that I was 100% committed to improving our relationship and I would not give up just because some things seemed too hard. I went on to explain that there are two things to consider: there is the Asperger's syndrome, and there is me. I am not the syndrome, and it is not me. I am still a person, and I have a condition called Asperger's syndrome. If someone with cancer were feeling depressed and sometimes snapped at loved ones on down days, people around her would not demand that she ?get over it!? nor tell her ?you have no idea how selfish you are!? The cancer is not the person, it is a condition the patient has.

 

Just because people can?t see my Asperger's doesn't mean they should be any less understanding. If I were in a wheelchair and had tubes coming out of me, people would treat me with more tolerance and understanding. I knew my partner had been listening not just with his ears, but with his heart. The look of love and compassion in his eyes affirmed my decision to take the step of changing my ways. He even agreed that my honesty was a positive trait, when expressed with tact.

 

living with Asperger's is like running a marathon

My big challenge is to continue being aware of my words and their impact on others. I need to be vigilant in my conversational style. This will take time. Like training for a marathon, one can only take one step at a time; but know that every training run is one more brick you are laying down on the road to achieving your goals. Difficult as this will be, I am determined to incorporate these new skills into my speech. Furthermore, making honest statements should not only include the things we don't like, but also the things we do. Praise and compliments go a long way towards healing old wounds and creating good relationships.

 

Of course there are heaps of other issues we face, but I'll leave those for another story.

A personal story from Autism Fact Sheets

Edited April 28, 2007 by baddad

[Flora]

I'm rubbish at relationships.

 

I'm far too uncompromising and enjoy my own company and space too much. I've yet to meet a man who thinks that's ok!!!

 

I'm sorry I can't give you any advice.....having spent most of my adult life wriggling out of emotional commitments

 

Flora

[Noetic]

It's a two way game though - it's not just you who has to learn to adapt, he has to accept that there are some things he has to interpret differently about you, too. If you're not aware that you are "being rude" then sulking etc. won't help, and he has to understand that NOT BEING AWARE of things really does mean "I am not aware, so I cannot consciously influence this". He has to learn to cue you when he notices something that comes across as rude, but WITHOUT making it "your fault" or stifling your train of thought.

[baddad]

Be myself or act the diplomat?

 

I think you have to try to be both (which you seem to be doing successfully now). That's a really 'pat' answer, I know, but I don't think there is another viable answer...

I think the underlying principle is true for everyone, and each person has to make their own choices about the amount they compromise and the things they will or won't compromise on - the being true to yourself part of the equation. The difference is that for many on the spectrum (and as you have highlighted above) that is not an 'intuitive' process, and the unintended offence is the hardest part to negotiate. Having a supportive and accepting network of people who can help you toward recognising those things is a major bonus, but it can sometimes be hard too to accept that what they are telling you is 'fact' in the same way that it can be hard for them to accept that you really can't 'see' the problem. That's a two-way process based on mutual trust and faith in the other persons judgement, and that can be really hard too

I think there's another part of the equation too, and that the autistic persons responses (the things he or she might take offence at) can be equally incomprehensable to the NT network - that they won't have an 'intuitive grasp' of that perspective; so in the same way they have to be allowed to get it 'wrong' sometimes too...

 

L&P

 

BD

[Mumble]

I not sure that there's much I can add to what Baddad has already said. It is about understanding, but it is not just about AS individuals understanding NTs. AS individuals have difficulty understanding some aspects of NTs, but NTs have difficulty understanding some aspects of AS individuals. Equally so, though, NTs seem to have diffciulty understanding some aspects of other NTs and AS individuals have difficulty understanding some aspects of other AS individuals.

 

The focus needs to be not on difference as wrong or on misunderstanding, but on helping each other (NT or AS) to understand and help each other.

 

I've been very cross with someone (NT) recently who I have felt has totally misunderstood me and made bad decisions about my support which have had a negative impact on me. However, thinking this through, she has only misunderstood me in the same way that I misunderstand aspects of NT behaviour. It doesn't mean that either of us is wrong but that we both have to help each other appreciate different ways of being.

 

So as to being yourself or acting the diplomat, can't part of yourself be diplomatic - does it have to be an either/or? Isn't NT behaviour in a large part about exactly the same dilemma?

[Noetic]

I think there's another part of the equation too, and that the autistic persons responses (the things he or she might take offence at) can be equally incomprehensable to the NT network - that they won't have an 'intuitive grasp' of that perspective; so in the same way they have to be allowed to get it 'wrong' sometimes too...

Very VERY good point. That's one thing that does rather irk me on some autism forums (and other forums about neurodiversity), when people rant about how NTs are so mean because they don't treat them (the Aspie Person) better than other people, and because the NTs around them "fail to" ignore all the stuff that makes them (the AP) look like they are callous or rude etc. I tried to explain to a person once that:

 

"So... people can't tell the difference between a rude person and yourself, you said this yourself. So how is the NT supposed to know that you are *not* rude and selfish and nasty to people, that your social interaction is just different? How can you demand that they treat you better than they would treat an NT in this situation? They can't tell you're *not* an NT! TELL them you have AS if you think they are making false assumptions about you, then you're on even ground!"

 

The irony was in this case, the person was talking about a situation that happened decades before they self-diagnosed AS. So she basically expected all the NTs around her to "diagnose" AS in her and thus treat her better than others, even though she herself wasn't even aware that she was different (she thought of herself as being a strong-willed, wilful and rebellious NT)?

 

Back on topic: I think the main point is to think about your own behaviour and interactions, both of you do that, each for themselves, and then sit down and try and explain to each other what things look and feel like from your own perspective. Perhaps write it down too, and copy it so you each have a list that you can read when you are feeling upset with each other. As a reminder that in fact something that just hurt or offended you was not intentional or has a different meaning for the other person.

Edited April 28, 2007 by Noetic

[hev]

if i see a word i dont understand i have to find it out,what does analitycal mean,sorry if wrong spelling

[Mumble]

if i see a word i dont understand i have to find it out,what does analitycal mean,sorry if wrong spelling

 

Hi Hev - I do that too - anything I don't understand I can't let go until I've found out what it means. Totally exacerbates my university supervisor, although since my diagnosis he does understand why I question him about 'irrelevant' details!

 

Analytical just means using logical reasoning. So in the original post of this thread it simply means to approach things in a logical fashion (and logical for this poster was to read about communication and approach it in an academic manner). Saying it runs in Asperger's could be a bit misleading because of course we're all different - it's a bit like saying we're all systematizers (prefering systems, e.g. engines, wheels, computers etc. to people) - many are, but not all.

[gladysmay]

this is a really interesting thread, blimey, seems like I do quite a bit of this, maybe I exist in that overlap place - NT but other features, I hesitate to say traits, you wouldnt say oh that AS person has NT traits?

 

anyway, the misunderstanding thing, I recently had a communication problem with the college and their lateness policy, I think my son took it so seriously and got really stressed about it, that he would be kicked out, fail the course and so on. they had a three strikes and your out policy, so I contacted them to say you need to work with my son and if their is flexibility say so, do not imply terrible things will hapen and then expect him to intuitively work out that you dont mean it really??

 

I am pretty cross about it because they drop in throwaway comments that can cause a lot of anxiety and I wonder when he comes home that he is totally driven about this one small thing. I am doing backflips and somersaults just trying to keep up with the demanding schedule he places on himself to comply. But it is difficult to get involved with the college as they see him as the 'student' self, all coping and hardworking, great for the academic world, why would they want to change that.

 

obviously this is also just an interpretation because I am talking about someone elses experience and I certainly agree with the NT need to move to see where the AS person is coming from, and vice versa. this is where social stories help but when these messages conflict, this can cause real upset.

[Canopus]

Job interviews are another area where you are not supposed to literally interpret questions. Interviewers regularly set trap questions where you have to give a diplomatic rather than a frank answer. One of these questions is about bad things about your previous organisation.

[lynda4]

Deleted

Edited May 7, 2007 by lynda4