Am I just jealous??!!

[oxgirl]

Mother in law is here and she's been telling me with glee all about how her other grandchild (10) is going out to the shop on his own and going to shops with a friend and how it's 'all part of growing up' and how he'll be off to secondary school next year so he'll have to get used to it, etc. etc.

 

Jay is sitting right there and he's nearly 14 and I'm terrified that he'll never have these things and I feel so hurt. She doesn't seem to understand how upsetting it is for me to have it rubbed in my face like that. Is she being insensitive or am I being over-sensitive or am I just jealous of this cousin and wish we had that for our lad? I felt so upset by her lack of understanding for my feelings that I almost cried.

 

~ Mel ~

[pumpkinpie]

Stupid woman. I dont think you are being oversensitive at all.

There are times when reality comes a bit too clse for comfort. I would either have a quiet word with her , at a time when you are feeling more calm or teel your hubby how his mothers insensitivity has really upset you. <'>

[barefoot wend]

I have every sympathy. I think that some people truly don't 'think'.

 

My sister was babbling on when we were out the other night saying how she'd read an article about what good employees AS people are and that they are highly sought after - particularly by Goldman Sachs.

 

I'm not saying that that is an impossible scenario - great for them. Somehow, I don't think all our children will be getting a job with them - the same as not all our children will end up being Bill Gates or Einstein.

 

A couple of years ago I went to hear one of my sons give a reading in the local church for his school Xmas Service when suddenly it hit me that Kerre (who'd left the school the previous summer due to his complete breakdown), 'should' have been doing this. I got some pretty strange looks blubbing in the pews. It seems sily now as I quickly realised that he's an individual with his own strengths and weaknesses and you can't equate one child with another.

[phoebe]

people just dont think do they??

 

Well, intruth, they simply have no idea!

 

At times like these, especially when you are perhaps feeling a little less up beat than normal, you start to reflect a bit and it resurfaces the post diagnosis mourning I think.

 

Take care of you - hope you feel better tomorrow, and if you feel able to mention it to her without getting emotional, it may make her think before she trips over her big feet again!! Of course, it may not!!

[Bard]

I get on much better with my mother-in -law now...

I even polish the urn.

[Bard]

Dear me, Bard, that wasn't very nice.

Well, I'm sorry then, but my MIL was a nasty, racist ignorant woman who was very unpleasant. I was polite for several years, didn't let her hurt me, and she died about 8 years ago.

And I don't miss her one little bit.

[brooke]

i quite often get frustrated about these things too but she probably just doesnt realise how upsetting it is. If you dont live with it everyday its difficult to understand. I have given up trying to explain to people how it feels cos they just dont get it

[elun1]

<'> Have the same thing with the inlaws - I tolerate them to a point but never choose to spend time with them as their cluelessness never fails to amaze me. My dh will never hear a word from me against his mother though which I could scream about - in fact I have screamed about it in the past!!

Elun xxx

[mumble_rocks]

My gran has consently compared me to all my other cousins who I rally see (there life in Scotland!) and she tells me what there have achieved and then says not that you will understand dear!! (thats one thing that always puzzeled me!! Dear isnt that an animal! Mum explained about 1 month ago! !)

 

Some people just dont understand!

[oxgirl]

Thanks for the replies, guys, I knew you lot would understand, you're the only ones who do!! <'>

 

I think that's why it's so upsetting, because I know that if I tried to explain then she'd just look at me blankly and just wouldn't get it.

 

I was crying to my sister recently about what would happen to Jay when me and hub were gone, who would look after him. "Well, there are Social Services homes, aren't there", she brightly informed me!! I was fretting about who would CARE for him, who would LOVE him and she's blithely suggesting that, if I put my son in a home, then that would all be okay then, wouldn't it. I was speechless. People just don't get it, do they.

 

~ Mel ~

Edited May 31, 2007 by oxgirl

[Bard]

I was crying to my sister recently about what would happen to Jay when me and hub were gone, who would look after him. "Well, there are Social Services homes, aren't there"

 

I'm sorry Mel, but that is a much worse response than the one from your MIL.

None of us worry about what will happen to our children if one set of parents dies, because that's what FAMILY means. We would care for the children of our siblings if needed come what may, and for as long as necessary.

How can you be sisters?

She is a different kind of being.

 

Have you read A Christmas Carol? Scrooge says something along the same lines to the two philanthropists that ask him for a donation. At least he wasn't related.

[Guest Lya of the Nox]

<'> <'> <'>

[Bagpuss]

We've had similar with our family Mel <'> I know when our youngest dd was dx with MD and we were told about her life expectancy, it was horrific, I can't even begin to put it into words. One of the things a relative closest to me said was "Well, by the time she's in her 30's, your'll be in your 70's" ....oh well, I obviously won't give a monkey's by then I suppose unless your in someone's shoes though, it must be so hard to find the right words, and I know we've had things said to us which have hurt, but I know it hasn't been intentional. My BIL has a daughter, only a few weeks between her and our youngest dd, and I found the continual updates of how well their daughter was doing, sitting, walking, talking, potty training really hard after a while. Another neice is pregnant at the mo, and I'm so pleased for her and my sister (her first grandchild), but I'd be lying if I didn't admit that I do get a twinge of sadness......I know that I'll never experience that with my youngest dd and possibly my eldest dd. I found the counselling really helped with my fears for the future and I find if I dwell too much on that I hit rock bottom. I've also found we see less and less of peeps who show little or no understanding, including relatives, and hang on to and value those who do. Take care <'> <'>

[hev]

I get on much better with my mother-in -law now...

I even polish the urn.

[/qu

know i shouldnt laugh but that really made me giggle

[suzie-girl]

I know it hasn't been intentional I found the counselling really helped with my fears for the future and I find if I dwell too much on that I hit rock bottom.

[pquote/

people just dont think they couldn't they dont live our lives and untill you do that then people might understand beter.

ive got horrible fears for the future worrys me constantly

[curra]

That sounds like something my sister would say. She always compares her son and other nephews/nieces to M to rub in how "immature", "spoiled", "unpolite" etc my DS is. She has said things such as, " my son never received so much dedication and care and look how intelligent and successful he is". Once I sent her a copy of my parental reresentation for the Statutory assessment by email, so she could understand once and for all what my son's real difficulties are (and mine), but she didn't. Her only reply was "I read it but I prefer not to comment". She lives in the USA and has seen my son only once when he was 6, but she thinks she knows all. She has also told me that if anything happened to me she would not be able to look after M. I have now very little contact with her and I must say that I'm happier that way.

Mel, I think that your MIL may be jealous of your husbands's devotion for Jay. She's not first in his list. Try not to worry about her.

 

Curra <'>

[dolly]

My mom rings every morning to see how ds has slept. He hasn't slept in 7 B****y years will she ever get it .

[hev]

my thing what really gets me is when my sister says that steven is just like her boy hes nothing like her boy,steve got aspergers her boy hasent,her son is nt and totally different behaviours,it drives me mad

[Bard]

My son's Head of Year thinks he's going to grow out of it. He's got a long wait.

[Bard]

I've always found it interesting how much more intolerant and annoyed I can be of family than I am with colleagues, friends or strangers.

It's almost as if I expect more of them, which is unfair, and then I get cross if they fail to live up to my expectations of them.

Although the rest of my family are pretty good about things usually, and we tend to be quite tactful as a group. Perhaps the fact that I have 6 Scottish uncles who often wear kilts with daggers down their socks helps everyone stay calm.

[oxgirl]

I guess I find it so hard because these people are all I've got. I've got no parents myself and my sis is the only one left. She probably would take J if something happened to us, but one day we won't be here and she won't be either, and it's that that I was referring to. Jay will be an adult, but he'll still need someone to look after him, and who will love him?!

 

I feel very disappointed with my in-laws. They're good people, but they just WILL NOT discuss 'it' with me, they've been here all weekend and haven't asked once how I am coping, how things are with school or Jay, etc. I'm desperate to sit down and really TALK to them about Jay and his problems and my fears and sadness and make them understand, but they just refuse point blank to hear it and I find it so hurtful. We sit there in ever so polite silence or chatter away about insignificant things when inside I'm screaming for them just to show some ounce of understanding about how much we're suffering here. It's all smiles on the surface, but inside it really cracks me up. She's always rambling on about Jay's cousin and his super duper life and all his friends, doesn't she realize that that's what we want for Jay, that he'll never have these things and how much it hurts to be having it rubbed in our faces all the time, or am I just a bitter old witch!

 

~ Mel ~

[Bard]

You're not a bitter old witch, otherwise every time anyone posted anything positive about their child, you'd be pouring doom and gloom and bile on them.

Bitter old bags don't worry about others, or wonder if they're being unfair.

You are just a mum who loves her son beyond reason, like the rest of us. No one can predict the future, not for you or for Jay. Plan ahead by all means, but worrying will stop you thinking clearly.

About your in-laws...

Maybe they don't ask because they are afraid they couldn't cope with the answers, wouldn't give the right response, wouldn't know how to help.

My friend's son killed himself, and one of the things that was the hardest for her to bear was the friends who didn't know what to say, so they stopped talking to her, or ringing her. They probably told themselves that they were being sensitive and giving her time to grieve, but the reality is that strong emotions are messy and painful and hard to deal with. So many don't. They put their paws over their eyes and pretend that everything is fine.

Maybe that's what she's doing, don't ask, don't tell.

How does she talk to Jay? Slightly formal and uncomfortable?

Or as if he is a grandson that she loves?

Have you discussed it with your OH? What kind of a mother was she when he was worried or had troubles? Someone who helped, or someone with their fingers in their ears humming 'These are a few of my favourite things'?

It sounds like you need friends, not relatives.

[oxgirl]

You're not a bitter old witch, otherwise every time anyone posted anything positive about their child, you'd be pouring doom and gloom and bile on them.

Bitter old bags don't worry about others, or wonder if they're being unfair.

You are just a mum who loves her son beyond reason, like the rest of us. No one can predict the future, not for you or for Jay. Plan ahead by all means, but worrying will stop you thinking clearly.

About your in-laws...

Maybe they don't ask because they are afraid they couldn't cope with the answers, wouldn't give the right response, wouldn't know how to help.

My friend's son killed himself, and one of the things that was the hardest for her to bear was the friends who didn't know what to say, so they stopped talking to her, or ringing her. They probably told themselves that they were being sensitive and giving her time to grieve, but the reality is that strong emotions are messy and painful and hard to deal with. So many don't. They put their paws over their eyes and pretend that everything is fine.

Maybe that's what she's doing, don't ask, don't tell.

How does she talk to Jay? Slightly formal and uncomfortable?

Or as if he is a grandson that she loves?

Have you discussed it with your OH? What kind of a mother was she when he was worried or had troubles? Someone who helped, or someone with their fingers in their ears humming 'These are a few of my favourite things'?

It sounds like you need friends, not relatives.

 

Thanks Bard. Yep, you're right, I do need friends, I haven't got any, only the ones on here. <'>

MIL is a good gran really, she is good with him, but doesn't like all this emotional, messy stuff. DH is used to not going to them for emotional support, I think. They're good and practical, but they're keen for him to stand on his own two feet and not bother them with his worries, I think. Consequently, if we've had a terrible two weeks with school worries and have sat and felt helpless and despairing, then when they phone up and ask how we are, they'll get, 'oh fine' as a response! I guess it's their way really, but I find it really frustrating and I want to sob and bawl and be hugged and told that everything is going to be okay, but I guess I'm being unreasonable to expect that from them really. They give what they can, but they can't give me what I need and I end up resenting them for it.

 

~ Mel ~

Edited June 1, 2007 by oxgirl

[Bard]

<'> <'>

And that's where we can't help you, because that's where you need your mum. And not having your parents when you need them is maybe one of the things that makes you worry who will love Jay.

Well, I fell in love with a man that I am 100% sure is an Aspie, doesn't do hugs or emotion or messy stuff.

There will be someone out there for Jay too.

Keep posting, keep running but don't panic!

[elun1]

Mel <'> <'>

I think 'friends' are really hard to keep when you live the kind of lives we do. Before O's diagnosis I was really sociable - gradually they've all faded into the woodwork apart from one or two. People were good at first but our problems never end and most just don't want to stick around.At work I act happy and cheerful and when people say 'how are you' I always say 'Fine' it's easier that way. Family can be just the same with the vanishing act when you need support - they may be there physically but not emotionally.

I've become incredibly reliant on the forum for support - you have friends on here.

Love Elun xxx

[steviegirl]

:r

Mel <'> <'>

I think 'friends' are really hard to keep when you live the kind of lives we do. Before O's diagnosis I was really sociable - gradually they've all faded into the woodwork apart from one or two. People were good at first but our problems never end and most just don't want to stick around.At work I act happy and cheerful and when people say 'how are you' I always say 'Fine' it's easier that way. Family can be just the same with the vanishing act when you need support - they may be there physically but not emotionally.

I've become incredibly reliant on the forum for support - you have friends on here.

Love Elun xxx

I get sick of some of my family who think I worry about Steve too much.. They told me their life stories when things went wrong and they all plonked the kids on me. I have looked after every one of my grandchildren but of course they do not need me so much so they can sit back and critise and say he is just spoilt and they could soon cure it. I notice they soon get fed up after a few hours and they also say Hev should not tell me anything. Also I have been asked if I could have a 19 year old live with me but because he is NT it will be okay as far as they are concerned. I don't mind at all cos I love him as well. Also when they want to go clubbing all night frequently I mind the little girl but thats okay cos shes NT as well. So thats okay isin't it !!! Of course I don't mind at all but I want them to understand that their sister and her boy need some help and a bit of understanding. Anyway Hev has helped them all out and they forget that conveniently. I might have an explosive row with the lot of them soon instead of walking on eggshells all the time. The lot of them should have received their child pyscology certificates by now they are so clever. Maybe they are training at the nightclubs or holiday destinations, they don't seem to have learned much though. Let em all get on with it!!!

[oxgirl]

Thanks all.

 

~ Mel ~

[mandyque]

Oh how I relate to all of this I see other 10 year olds, other 5 year olds, other 3 year olds, who can do more than my dd, who have more understanding, speech and ability than her. I have to block the thoughts quickly or I end up I have no family who are close enough to even understand her, never mind take care of her, they are too wrapped up in their own lives, and don't actually take care of their own children (niece lives with my parents, nephew lives with my brothers ex ) I've 'lost' most of my old friends because I can't go to see them and they don't come to see me. I worry too that when I am unable to care for her, only people who are getting paid for it will take the time to do it. Her father is wrapped up in his new life with his girlfriend and stepkids and never takes her anywhere, especially not on their fancy Spanish holidays

 

I had an operation a couple of weeks back and the worst part was worrying that I would die and nobody would be there for her, not about my own health

[oxgirl]

mandyque <'> <'> <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[hev]

: The lot of them should have received their child pyscology certificates by now they are so clever. Maybe they are training at the nightclubs or holiday destinations, they don't seem to have learned much though. Let em all get on with it!!!

that was good mum

[elun1]

<'> <'> <'> <'> Mandyque <'> <'> <'> <'>

[mandyque]

aww thanks for the hugs <'> back atcha It's just so hard to deal with sometimes isn't it, I read this thread with tears in my eyes because I know exactly what it feels like. I think it's only natural to feel envious when others don't have the difficulties we do.

[oxgirl]

Last night Jay was having a freakout and getting really distressed about the windows. He's obsessed with having the windows shut and he was pacing up and down and up and down, couldn't settle in bed and took hours to settle him. He was totally irrational and rambling. Father-in-law, in very off-hand manner, says to me after I'd come down for about the fifth time, 'ah, he'll grow out of it'!! 'No he won't' I snapped. 'Well, he won't be like this when he's 20 will he' he laughed. Well, yes he WILL actually, he won't grow out of it and it won't go away it will probably just get worse.

I despair at their lack of understanding and flippant manner sometimes. Why won't people at least TRY to understand. Don't they realize how alone we are with this and how we need some support and not off-hand comments that just trivialize it.

I'm fed up.

 

~ Mel ~

[pearl]

Aww, mel its tough at the mo for you isnt it? Your FIL is partly right though. He wont be like this when he's 20. A lot of the things that freak him now wont bother him then. Your comment about windows made me remember - JP was just the same for a while, & now - that has gone. The same with the balloon phobia, the paper phobia..... theres lots of residual stuff but his phobias don't dominate our lives like they used to.

 

I think the length of this thread demonstrates just how many of us feel the same way about people's (especially families) lack of understanding.

 

I could tell a few stories (and indeed have ) but I'll just confine myself to one.

When JP was 5 & newly dx'd, I was talking to my brother in law & telling him how many hours of classroom support etc he was getting.

 

"What an expensive little boy you have" he remarked.

He teaches in a Special School, which is why I thought I was safe talking to him.

For years after that, I confined my conversations with him to nothing deeper than the weather.

[Bagpuss]

Mel <'> <'>

 

We've had an awful morning with the girls, supposed to be going out, now it's lunch time, and had to deal with endless tears over one thing after another, like the colour of the rolls from the bakery and how sandals feel on feet.....so I'm feeling like that too hun. Wished we lived closer, we could both try to escape for abit <'> <'>

[oxgirl]

Aww, mel its tough at the mo for you isnt it? Your FIL is partly right though. He wont be like this when he's 20. A lot of the things that freak him now wont bother him then. Your comment about windows made me remember - JP was just the same for a while, & now - that has gone. The same with the balloon phobia, the paper phobia..... theres lots of residual stuff but his phobias don't dominate our lives like they used to.

 

I guess my worry is that one worry will disappear but will just be replaced by something different and the overall problems that cause them will still be there. That's what he doesn't understand really. He thinks he'll grow up and be completely normal and happy and everything will be fine, he'll suddenly have friends and independence and a job and a flat, but I'm not so sure he will.

 

I could tell a few stories (and indeed have ) but I'll just confine myself to one.

When JP was 5 & newly dx'd, I was talking to my brother in law & telling him how many hours of classroom support etc he was getting.

 

"What an expensive little boy you have" he remarked.

He teaches in a Special School, which is why I thought I was safe talking to him.

For years after that, I confined my conversations with him to nothing deeper than the weather.

 

Yikes, that's painful! I think it makes it worse when you feel like you have to give up with a family member and just talk about surface stuff, that's when I end up resenting them. I sit there smiling and chatting about the weather, but underneath I long to sit down and have them really listen, maybe I'm too critical and should learn to lighten up on people. <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[oxgirl]

Mel <'> <'>

 

We've had an awful morning with the girls, supposed to be going out, now it's lunch time, and had to deal with endless tears over one thing after another, like the colour of the rolls from the bakery and how sandals feel on feet.....so I'm feeling like that too hun. Wished we lived closer, we could both try to escape for abit <'> <'>

 

 

Aw, sorry about your rotten morning, Bagpuss. <'> <'>

We tried to take Jay out for a walk and a quick frisbee game, but within a few mins he was fussing and fretting about being hot and pacing and getting frantic and it just wasn't worth it, we had to come home. It's soul destroying when you can't even do the most simple thing with them without it ending up an ordeal, isn't it. I end up feeling like I'm trapped in the house with him as his prisoner, I can't take him out, but I can't leave him either so we're stuck here doing what he wants to do.

Yep, wish I could pop round to yours and sit in your garden and have a cuppa (I'd leave him at home with hub, of course). <'>

Hope your day improves. <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[pearl]

I guess my worry is that one worry will disappear but will just be replaced by something different and the overall problems that cause them will still be there. That's what he doesn't understand really. He thinks he'll grow up and be completely normal and happy and everything will be fine, he'll suddenly have friends and independence and a job and a flat, but I'm not so sure he will. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tearful.gif)

 

Well I still cant part quote so I'll try colouring it instead!

Yes I know exactly what you mean Mel. The underlying problems will still be there. But I have to say that for JP they are certainly lessening, its often only when I am reminded of something he used to do, like your post today, that I remember how bad it used to be.

 

Neither JP nor Jay will be completely "normal", but that doesnt stop us & them having hopes & dreams. In an ideal world, JP would have done exactly as all his cousins did - he would be leaving home this September & starting university. Instead he is starting his apprenticeship in August & will be living at home. But that is FANTASTIC & right for him. He's already working out how much he can save over the next couple of years, & is v keen to buy his own flat. And you know what, it suddenly seems achievable. He might just do it. Its also looking like he will pass his driving test.

 

Ten years ago we had no idea of what we might hope for him. Jay too will find a path that suits him. It wont be the same as JPs or anyone else's but will be right for him, & with a great mum like you behind him he will do just fine. <'>

[oxgirl]

I guess my worry is that one worry will disappear but will just be replaced by something different and the overall problems that cause them will still be there. That's what he doesn't understand really. He thinks he'll grow up and be completely normal and happy and everything will be fine, he'll suddenly have friends and independence and a job and a flat, but I'm not so sure he will. (IMG:style_emoticons/default/tearful.gif)

 

Well I still cant part quote so I'll try colouring it instead!

Yes I know exactly what you mean Mel. The underlying problems will still be there. But I have to say that for JP they are certainly lessening, its often only when I am reminded of something he used to do, like your post today, that I remember how bad it used to be.

 

Neither JP nor Jay will be completely "normal", but that doesnt stop us & them having hopes & dreams. In an ideal world, JP would have done exactly as all his cousins did - he would be leaving home this September & starting university. Instead he is starting his apprenticeship in August & will be living at home. But that is FANTASTIC & right for him. He's already working out how much he can save over the next couple of years, & is v keen to buy his own flat. And you know what, it suddenly seems achievable. He might just do it. Its also looking like he will pass his driving test.

 

Ten years ago we had no idea of what we might hope for him. Jay too will find a path that suits him. It wont be the same as JPs or anyone else's but will be right for him, & with a great mum like you behind him he will do just fine. <'>

 

Oh, pearl, thanks so much. <'> You're so positive and reassuring, you do give me hope for the future. I hope in a few years I'll be able to reassure others with younger ones, like you do. It's such a long road, though, isn't it. <'> <'>

You must be so proud of JP and how far he's come, sounds like you've done a wonderful job with him. <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

[pearl]

Oh, pearl, thanks so much. <'> You're so positive and reassuring, you do give me hope for the future. I hope in a few years I'll be able to reassure others with younger ones, like you do. It's such a long road, though, isn't it. <'> <'>

You must be so proud of JP and how far he's come, sounds like you've done a wonderful job with him. <'> <'>

 

~ Mel ~

You are very welcome darlin. I receive as much help as I give out on here, I love this place, it feels so safe. I wish I'd found it years ago. And yes, we are proud of JP. I like him better than most teenagers I know. The lads next door - both NT, both college drop outs, both spent months unemployed, both now in dead end jobs. Driving their mother (& us) insane by trashing the house with their unsuitable friends. Drugs & drink. They have had every advantage in life & have just thrown away their opportunities.

 

I know which "type" of teen I'd choose to live with. At least we wont have those kinds of problems, mel.